<p>I read this differently and am inclined to suggest forgiving this friend, depending on how the timing was in fact. </p>
<p>If your friend took back your unique situation to her husband, some time passed, and then she came back to tell you he said that about your particular marriage, that’s bad and unkind to you.</p>
<p>OTOH, if it was a first reply when she heard your sad news, and she was just parroting something her husband has said in the past, in general, about affairs…I’d be inclined to forgive her. It could have been thoughtless prattling on her part at that moment. Sometimes people just fill in air time, when very surprised, by saying the first thing they can think of on the same topic. It’s no deep criticism of you or him, but instead her communication error.</p>
<p>If you like her otherwise, this might not be the time to drop her. You need all the friends you can get right now; it must be very hard.</p>
<p>So sorry to hear that you are going through this. This isn’t an easy time in your life. I am glad you are getting counseling. Frankly, I am appalled by the responses from your friends. I have found that comments like this are either due to gross insensitivity or more likely, just a way of reassuring themselves that this couldn’t happen to them. When your friend says to you that it takes 2 people for this to happen, she is really saying to herself that it won’t happen to her because they are both committed to their marriage. Well, I will tell you a secret - it only takes one to make this happen. </p>
<p>I am sure you feel quite lost right now. Your best friend, the one you can always confide in and trust turns out to be your husband and he has betrayed you. Then your friends don’t offer much support and you feel betrayed again. I suggest you find some friends that live closer to you to talk to. Friends that you can stop and visit and get a hug. Maybe find a close family member to confide in too. It will help a lot. </p>
<p>I hope you are taking care of yourself. Make sure you get some sleep. Eat - it is so easy to forget to eat and to lose an appetite. Be prepared for quite a roller coaster of emotions over the next months. This isn’t easy to get through. As other posters have pointed out, there is life after infidelity. Whether you decide to reconcile or divorce, you can still go on and have a good life. Good luck and my best to you.</p>
<p>I lived this. Lots of “friends” simply dropped me. A few tried to reconnect about 5-10 years later. I can’t be bothered. I don’t hate them or anything. But if a friend isn’t around during bad times, (s)he isn’t a friend. </p>
<p>I was stunned though by some of the people who did step in and help. I had no expectation of help from them, but they gave it. </p>
<p>I disagree about not wanting to know. Several of my friends knew before I did. They didn’t tell me. That hurt. It also gave my ex time to do things like clean out joint accounts which he would not have had if someone had told me. </p>
<p>So, you have every right to be hurt. It isn’t about you–it’s about them. </p>
<p>It is a difficult situation for friends, because if they come down on him and you reconcile, the friendship will be strained.</p>
<p>*I do not feel that I do not want to hear bad things about my husband, but I did not appreciate hearing: ‘My husband says that he thinks it takes 2 people to make this happen’ (implying of course that I was in the wrong) from one of my friends. Nothing like blaming the victim!</p>
<p>*</p>
<p>*Assuming the reference was not to your husband and the other woman (but rather to you and your husband), I think that was a very insensitive thing for your friend(?) to say to you. *</p>
<p>This is a very odd thing for a friend (who knows YOU!) to say to you. Yes, in some cases, it can be argued that it takes 2 to tango. I can remember telling a friend who would go months without having sex with her H (she claimed to always be “too tired” - and he was such a sweetheart to her…a super H!!), that if her H were to leave her or go off and have an affair, she couldn’t claim total innocence. </p>
<p>However, there are many cases where the victim spouse has done nothing to deserve this and the affairs were just the result of some sick aspect of the philanderer’s excessive need for excitement and “extra special attention” from the opposite sex. In such cases, the philanderer is going to cheat no matter who their spouse is.</p>
<p>I totally agree with you Jonri. I have no idea if people knew before me, but anyone I would call a real friend would not have kept me in the dark if they knew. Sure I expect that from mere social acquaintances, but not close friends! </p>
<p>Why would a close friend let me be unwittingly exposed to STDs? Why would they let me continue to be in an embarassing situation where others know but I do not (or worse, look like a schmuck of a spouse who puts up with it or is too clueless to know the obvious)? Why would a close friend let me remain so vulnerable to a loss of funds going to another woman, a sudden divorce, or my spouse getting the other woman pregnant? Why would my friends let me be blindsided by the news by finding out the wrong way or at the wrong time (or even my children finding out first?). </p>
<p>If it has a cataclysmic effect on the family that would not be MY fault as the messenger, but rather the adulterer’s fault. At least my friend would have a chance to make important choices with full knowledge, and proceed as they so choose as volitional and informed adults. I trust my friends would have that ability to decide if and when they wanted to stay in the marriage or not, and how they plan to handle it and whether it is ‘cataclysmic’ or not.</p>
<p>I think it’s a total cop out when people say stuff like “oh they probably know anyways, or don’t want to know”. Bull poop-- tell them and let them decide if they want to know or not. In hindsight, I was probably in denial and overlooked things I should have seen, for subconscious reasons, but that doesn’t mean I would not want to know if others had facts!</p>
<p>I have a great therapist, we are seeing a marital therapist (we will see… )… but I feel incredibly isolated.</p>
<p>Along with a great therapist, you need a great lawyer- you mentioned earlier you were going to get one in the States? Are you & your H back in the US?</p>
<p>Thanks to everyone… It helps to hear everyone’s thoughts. </p>
<p>I have ‘standing’ only in the country I live in and have a lawyer here. I am clear on what my rights are here and how/what I need to do if I feel I am heading towards divorce. To this point my H has been willing to do whatever I have asked from a financial perspective (funds have been secured, etc). He has repeatedly articulated a hope that we can reconcile. I feel like it is too early for me to know what I want. Thus far I have decided not to decide anything. </p>
<p>None of my friends knew anything before I did. A woman who has worked for our family for a long time was the person who told me. My H had deliberately let her find out what was happening. He wanted her to tell me and she did.It is complicated (what isn’t) </p>
<p>I have tried to put myself in my friends’ shoes- it has not been all that difficult, to be honest, because my sister was in my same position as me a year ago. I listened, I let her talk, I called, I showed up (she lives very far away). I know how often I said to her “I don’t know what to say” and how it felt to support her, to share her anger with my brother in law, and yet to still feel sad about him- he has been a wonderful brother in law and uncle. </p>
<p>I am still thinking about how to bring this up with the friends. I want to, and I need to</p>
<p>If I were one of your friends, I would want you to call me up and say “I need more support from you; here’s what I need. You haven’t been responding the way I hoped.”</p>
<p>I would probably be feeling confused, conflicted, and guilty. Your call would give me a chance to step up and be a good friend. Or to try to explain to you why I was acting differently, and how that didn’t mean that I didn’t love you. Or whatever – it would let the friendship dialog continue, and give me a second chance.</p>
<p>Now, some people may NOT step up and be a good friend. You may have a difference of opinion about what’s appropriate for them to do. They may be afraid of catching some sort of victim-disease from you. They may think less of you for being unable to keep your man in check. If that’s the case, so be it. You may find out that not all your friends are what you thought they were. But that’s where you are now, and you haven’t helped them show you that isn’t the case. Give them a chance. Talk to them honestly.</p>
<p>Your husband is right – but not about you. The woman who had a 7 year affair with him surely knew he was married. She is disgusting. I hope every one of her family members finds out what a horrible person she is.</p>
<p>It is true that when a bad thing befalls someone, the people around that person may not know what to say to be supportive, especially if they have not experienced the same bad thing themselves.</p>
<p>When I was diagnosed with cancer, I had some inappropriate things said to me by different people. But I knew most of them were trying.</p>
<p>The same thing happens with miscarriages, death of spouse or other family member, etc.</p>
<p>Actually, the comment was made to me by a friend… based on something her husband said to her. Her husband was implying that both partners in a marriage contribute to the affair. Not exactly a comforting comment. My contribution was that I trusted my husband. Period. </p>
<p>Yes, the women who cheated with my husband have to live with their own behavior. I could care less about them. They are not worth one iota of my energy. </p>
<p>I need to give the people I do care about a chance to help me.</p>
<p>OP, you have a great attitude. I hope that your friends come through in a more supportive manner.</p>
<p>Unfortunately, some people react to bad news from friends by either whistling in the dark–s/he did [this thing] that made it happen to him/her–or by avoiding one as if the lost job/illness/cheating cooties were catching. My H and I certainly saw some of this behavior when he lost his job. Some “friends” disappeared rapidly. Others will stand by you. </p>
<p>One of my dearest friends discovered that her husband of about 30 years was not only having an affair, but had been consorting with hookers to the tune of $60K per year at times. She discovered that this went back over a decade. Meanwhile, she had moved several times for his career, to the detriment of hers. They had 4 children. Although she is still doing very well, financially, she is not doing as well as she could have been. Frankly, I never liked this guy, although I was a bridesmaid at their wedding. I had to be very careful about what I said (as I had been throughout their relationship ) until it was crystal clear what the depth of his betrayal had been, and that they would definitely NOT be getting back together. I’ve had a couple of female friends who have confided in me that they were having/had had affairs, when their husbands were also my friends. Although in both cases I understood what motivated them, it can be very difficult to be supportive on the emotional level and neither disapproving nor enabling of self-destructive behavior.</p>
<p>Your case seems a lot more straightforward to me. I hope your friends come through for you, and wish you the best.</p>
<p>TTA, so sorry to hear what you are going through. I too would be disappointed in the reaction and lack of support from your friends. I can’t really think of an excuse for them. But I think you are right to tell them of your needs and disappointment and give them a chance. Good luck. You sound very grounded and balanced. I wish you luck.</p>
<p>TTA, I’m sorry for you. Do you have any women friends who are divorced, or who have had difficulties in their own marriages? Those are the people who are likely to be the most supportive and helpful now–even if they’re not the ones whom you normally think of as your closest friends.</p>
<p>People often respond the way they do because of their own fears. Period.</p>
<p>Some people truly do not not like to contemplate the idea that their spouse may cheat on them so when they hear that it has happened to someone they know, they run. Others like your close friend (the one that made the ‘contribution’ comment) make themselves feel better by believing that if they are the perfect spouse, their spouse will never cheat. And honestly, the comment from the husband makes me wonder if he himself doesn’t have something to justify because when people cheat they generally try to justify their actions (“You pushed me into it.”) </p>
<p>Sometimes people aren’t sure what to say - they don’t know if this is something you are going to want to rehash. They are afraid if they say too much in support of you and against your spouse that you will then reconcile and resent them for saying anything. Sometimes they don’t really know if you are just informing them or you really want to talk about it over and over again.</p>
<p>One thing you can do is say to your friend(s), “I really need xyz from you during this period”. Whatever xyz is to you. It may be that you need someone you can vent to and just have them listen. It may be that they rally around you and tell you what a cad your husband has been. It may be that they just check in with you periodically to see if you want to talk. Every person is different and it’s hard to know what someone wants. </p>
<p>There is an excellent forum and website called ‘marriagebuilders dot com’. Lots and lot of information about infidelity and how to get your marriage back on track. The forum is pretty active and supportive of those who have been cheated on. Good luck. Glad to hear you are in counseling. Lots of couples manage to get past this situation and go on to turn their marriages around.</p>
<p>*None of my friends knew anything before I did. A woman who has worked for our family for a long time was the person who told me. My H had deliberately let her find out what was happening. He wanted her to tell me and she did.It is complicated (what isn’t) </p>
<p>*</p>
<p>This seems odd to me. I can understand a man doing this when he WANTS a divorce, but can’t get the words out…so he lets the wife find out so she’ll initiate the divorce. In your case, you’re saying that your H doesn’t want the divorce. </p>
<p>Do you have certain proof that he’s ended the long-term affair? Or is it possible that he’s playing you along to get to some desired point? </p>
<p>I just don’t see the logic of having you find out if he didn’t want a divorce. Why didn’t he just end it with the gal? </p>
<p>You mention a family business…is it possible that he wants time to make the business look worthless so buying you out won’t cost much?</p>
<p>To address your husband’s method of having you find out, I think he wanted out of his affair but he couldn’t get himself to end it on his own. You found out, now he has the push he needed to end it. But I’m just speculating. I think you should make sure he is no longer seeing the other woman. You might want to hire a private investigator.</p>
<p>About the inconsiderate remark, your friend was just repeating something her husband said. You don’t know how he said it or what he really meant by it. I don’t think you should hold him accountable for what your friend said that he said. You could ask him what he meant and then maybe you would find out that this judgmental couple is just too judgmental for your taste.</p>
<p>I sent a note by email to 3 friends yesterday morning. 2 replied immediately to say that they completely understand, want to be here for me… etc. The 3rd is the real puzzle. I know she has been on line, so maybe something else is going on. I feel better for having been able to let them know I need their care- and that I just need sympathetic listening, not advice and not berating of my husband (well, only in sympathy that is!). </p>
<p>The person who works for us works for us in the home. We have lived in different locations Monday through Friday for the past 3 years (my husband started cheating 7 years ago…) due to work. My husband let her find out and report to me because the other woman was threatening to tell me, and this was his way of mitigating that threat. The other woman also threatened to show up at his workplace, and he has told his boss. I think he wants out. </p>
<p>My husband ‘feels a lot better’ now that I know. I wouldn’t exactly put myself in that category but not knowing clearly was not okay. I have zero trust in him, suffice it to say. </p>
<p>By the way I am assuming that the comment from the friend’s husband (about both sides being at fault) in my case relates to the fact that I have trusted my husband M-F for 3 years and lived apart on weekdays (and was traveling for work before then but less regularly). Like I said, my chief contribution to all this was to trust my husband, and to no longer be 32 years old.</p>
<p>This other woman’s behavior would suggest that your H might have been promising to leave you and she got fed up with waiting and tried to force his hand. And he is now balking. You certainly don’t deserve this kind of treatment from your husband, and for your friend to imply that you somehow share the blame is incredibly judgmental. You deserve better all around.</p>
) until it was crystal clear what the depth of his betrayal had been, and that they would definitely NOT be getting back together. I’ve had a couple of female friends who have confided in me that they were having/had had affairs, when their husbands were also my friends. Although in both cases I understood what motivated them, it can be very difficult to be supportive on the emotional level and neither disapproving nor enabling of self-destructive behavior.</p>