Social Death after a Cheating Spouse

Parent Cafe
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<p>Thanks Mousegray, you are right I do deserve better. My husband claims that he was trying to get out, she was threatening, he was paying her off (another issue) she got shriekier and threatened more. Oh, and she threatened to hurt herself. It is like some sort of bad soap opera, and I can’t believe I am a part of it. </p>

<p>But, if this were happening to my friend, rather than me, I would be leaning in- not pulling back. No matter how icky it is. Whoever said that people respond out of fear is right, I feel that is true.</p>

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<p>Many moons ago, a very close guy friend of mine told me about his affair. He was thinking about leaving his wife. I talked him out of it because he told me that he still loved his wife and they had 2 young kids. He then tried to leave his mistress and she threatened to tell his wife and hurt herself, which she never did. She finally left him. He never told his wife and I never did either. There were times when I thought maybe she knew, but she never said anything. I didn’t tell his wife because he wanted to make it work. They are very happily married today. I am very close to him, and I know he has never cheated on her again.</p>

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<p>That’s a terrible, callous thing for your so-called friend to have said. Blame the victim. What a comfort she is!</p>

<p>I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I’m trying to imagine why your friends are not being more supportive, and the only thing I can think of is that they knew about the affair or heard rumors and kept quiet and now they’re feeling awful that they knew, and didn’t tell you. Or maybe one of them is friends with or knows the girlfriend. </p>

<p>IME, this kind of news can’t be shared with friends if you all have the same set of friends. You either share it with close family members or friends outside your daily contacts – old college buddies, people who don’t live in your town or who don’t interact with you and your husband socially.</p>

<p>You must feel doubly betrayed – first by your husband, now by your friends. I am so sorry.</p>

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<p>First, I am by NO means excusing your friends behavior. It has hurt you and for that I offer my sincere condolences. I have no words for the behavior of your husband. I hope you come to peace with his betrayal. No one should have to go through that.</p>

<p>A very close neighbor of 15years went through a separation due to a cheating spouse 8 years ago. It was NOT pretty. The girlfriends tried to be supportive, however I am quiet sure along the way we said some things that if taken out of context could have been hurtful. We felt we were in a no-win in the early months and years. They were apart - together - apart - together…we never knew what to say or who was going to answer the door. What were we supporting this month? ALWAYS our girlfriend, however HER desires for the relationship changed often (as is understandable), which upon reflection would put our words of support one month possibly at odds with her wishes another. It became a very, very fine line to walk. We have learned to simply listen actively, but it took time for all of us. Give your friends time. They may need your lead in this.</p>

<p>Hugs to you as you navigate this difficult part of your life.</p>

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<p>So, I don’t know any of you… but I wrote ‘to you’ and you have all been kind, and supportive.
I wrote to my closest friend of the last 8-10 years, and I get a 10 word reply. It is my nature to ‘assume best intentions’- but this is really hurting. </p>

<p>The other woman is definitely not someone in our social circle, not someone my friend knows. I understand how people won’t know what to say, if they don’t know where things stand with me and my husband. But this just feels so callous. Her husband is definitely a ‘know it all’ (but so is mine…). The other people have responded, will see.</p>

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<p>Only you know if ‘clearing the air’ with your friend is worth the emotional energy, something you are certainly in short supply of right now. I would be inclined to approach her and say “I know you didn’t mean to come across as hurtful, but it really hurt when you said… It’s because I know you didn’t intend it that way that I wanted to clear the air with you. I just really need my friends right now.” At that point she has the option to see that she really hurt your feelings and apologize, or not. Either way I think you can move on easier having told her how you feel. Again, only you know if you have the energy to invest in this right now. I’m so sorry you are hurting right how and do hope that you find support in both expected, and unexpected places in your life.</p>

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<p>I had to make a similar decision about my closest friend, after she bombarded me with hurtful comments about how we handled a difficult family issue this past year. She called to apologize, but I told her I just didn’t have the energy to invest in the friendship right now. I can’t walk on eggshells, wondering when she’ll pounce again! Ugh, it’s so hard. She and her husband are in our will as the guardians of our kids if something happens to DH and me. I guess I need to change that now.</p>

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<p>OP, you can not control how other people react to this, you can only control how you react. If this were me, I’d be hurt and angry but then I’d move on from this friend. You’ve told her what is going on, surely she knows you are devastated. If she can’t muster anything beyond 10 words to you, then I’d just let it go. You don’t need to spend your energy worrying over that, trying to figure out what’s going on, whatever it is. </p>

<p>Spend your energy on yourself. Be good to yourself. Take up the offers of help - in whatever form - from those who have offered. Someday (if you want) you can close this loop with your friend, but right now I’d try to move on.</p>

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<p>Once when I was experiencing a personal crisis a friend responded very strangely. That instance was the point at which I reevaluated the relationship but her odd response wasn’t the reason I distanced myself from her, it was 100 things leading up to it. During this time of crisis I just had some clarity and I said to myself, enough, this friendship isn’t worth it.</p>

<p>I don’t know what you should do about this friend but 10 words isn’t very much. I have as much trouble as anyone when it comes to what to say but even I could do better than that.</p>

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<p>On some level, it takes emotional energy to abandon a friendship, just as it does to evaluate it or to try to reconcile it. I am not sure I have energy for any of it, but even before Pea’s comment, I had been listing (in my mind) previous ‘discrepancies’ that I had acknowledged and let pass in the past. 2 years ago we (my husband and I) had a very dramatic event with our ‘third’ and while ultimately this person was there for me, distance and other factors seemed to make it easy for me to write off some ‘remoteness’ she exhibited. I have felt the way I feel now in the past, that is. This person has been my ‘sister without baggage’ (her words, not mine)-- so this is very tough. </p>

<p>Again, thanks. You are all helping.</p>

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<p>OP, I’m a long-time poster using another name for privacy.
Readers, if you think this will never happen to you, just tuck this away in the back of your brain. Don’t tell anyone. Remain silent. I never EVER thought I’d catch H cheating. (Short term affair–about 3-4 mo) My life has been a like a soap opera the last couple months. I found out in the classic ways–texting–H suddenly needed new phone for work, bank statements–taking out cash, not wanting me to see “dates” on credit card, H changing his appearance, working out, buying new clothes, new haircut, listening to “young” music, etc.–and the last straw, after I’d already confronted him once and he’d lied about it, minimized the relationship as “just friends”–I found ticket stubs to “romantic” local attraction in his pocket when doing laundry. This “girl” is 26, married, with a child. She left her H at one point, gave her ring back, etc. H apparently had promised her that he’d leave me within 6 months!! After a couple crazy weeks, (her calling/texting, threatening to hurt herself, insulting me, etc. her family–who knew all about it-- had to do an “intervention” with her to get her to realize that it was over and she is better off back with her H than with some married guy twice her age. . .) We are in counseling, “girl” is back with her H in another state. H continued to contact her while still lying to me for about a month. . . We’ve been married for 25 years and have kids still at home. I do not intend to get divorced. The ball is in H’s court, and I think he realizes that this was a really stupid mistake. The smartest thing I did was to tell NO ONE (except one friend from elementary school days who lives on the other side of the country, doesn’t know my H, and has no contact with anyone else in my life. We are not close friends–just email a few times a year. After I dumped on her she has written back to me supportively and just sent me an ecard.) I’m also feeling very isolated especially the first couple weeks, but I’ve seen people go though this, blame the victim, assume the wife isn’t a “good wife” if the H is looking elsewhere. If you tell anyone, you force them to take sides, ruin your own reputation, your husband’s reputation (if you want to stay together, you don’t want to trash him), gossip will get around the neighborhood, to your kids, etc. Keeping silent is one of the hardest things I’ve ever done, but I think in the long run it will be for the best. BTW, yes, I was sort of angry at a couple mutual friends/co-workers who could’ve at least hinted to me to “watch my back”–but what could they do? You never know what the response could be in such a situation, so always best to MYOB. OP, if you want to PM me, I’m here.
Seriously, my only consolation lately has been those “cheatin’/revenge” country music videos on youtube! (the ones where they throw the guy’s stuff out the window, trash his car, burn down the house, etc. etc.) The first couple weeks I’d wake up in the morning and think I was having a nightmare. Then I’d think, “Cr*p. This is my life!” Very hard to be going thru hell and pretending like nothing is happening.</p>

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<p>^I tend to agree with this. The less people know the better. 4 years ago my husband and I separated. I initiated it. I was very careful not to tell people anything other than ‘it was mutual’. There was no other person but my sense is the more information you share, the more complicated your life becomes. I did have two close friends supporting me through it all. Long story short - we reconciled six months later and I am ever so glad I didn’t go around bad mouthing him or revealing any of our issues (not saying, OP, you are doing that).</p>

<p>One other possibility about the friend who has been non-responsive…not making excuses for her but maybe she is going through stuff of her own at the moment. Bad marriage? Depressed? Whatever. Sometimes people just can’t muster up the strength to deal with other people’s issues when they have problems of their own.</p>

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<p>While I am not going to broadcast, and there are close friends I have said nothing to plus we have said nothing to our family, my circumstances are such that I am not worried about the neighborhood, his or my social reputations. I am pretty tired of hearing myself tell the story, and do not really plan to tell anyone else anything until we have decided (I have decided) what I want to do… and then will decide where go from there. I knew that my friends felt my husband was ‘difficult’ so what they said when I told them was really not so surprising. They are my friends, primarily. They are our friends because they love me. Our husbands are connected only through us… It is just the way it is. </p>

<p>I think if I lived in a differently structured community, I might have been more circumspect-- and we have been to an extent (I have not told anyone who might have contact with my children or our family)… but for me, to not tell anyone would have further penalized me for his behavior. I understand why it is right for other people.</p>

<p>As for the non-communicative friend… her father passed away a few months ago, but she is not depressed (he was very old, very unwell for a long time, she was at peace with it for a long time), has a good marriage, etc… She seems not particularly busy and happy. Weirdly, of course you think about these sorts of things, the same day I told her about my husband, she and I spent a long time talking about people whose behavior was so inappropriate when her family was sitting shiva… how they were so insensitive.</p>

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<p>Why on earth would you care about the judgment, let alone want to continue a social relationship, with someone who would blame you for the affair? Why would it ruin your reputation and why on earth would you be so concerned about protecting your spouse? Sure most affairs involve marital problems that take two people to create, but so what? Sure okay don’t put it in the school bulletin or make an announcement at the next block party, but you can’t confide in a friend or two???</p>

<p>I just feel so sick for you that you have to go this alone and have not one trusted friend in your life to lean on. Not one person that you can trust won’t make you the talk of the town and not one person you don’t have to keep up appearance with or continue to impress. Something is terribly wrong here.</p>

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<p>I don’t want to side track this conversation, but several years ago I wrote on CC about moving across country to marry a former b/f. No need to repeat the awfulness that occured. Pertaining to OP’s questions about friends, my single friends back East were terrific. My close friend, terrific marriage, could not relate. Two years later, when I needed the ex- to sell our joint house, she forced me to use her services as a lawyer to get things rolling. She sent him the most amazing letter, and follow-up e-mails. In past 2 years, she has never mentioned anything that I said to her, but includes me in all family celebrations. </p>

<p>My point? Other friends called daily during the year of heartbreak following betrayal. This friend wanted to help, and gave so much in a way that she was professionally competent. When she calls me “another sister”, my heart melts. Different people, different ways to help. </p>

<p>OP, at this point, I think your local friends are confused and don’t know if you will leave the marriage or not. Silence and time give them a safe zone.</p>

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<p>OP, at this point, I think your local friends are confused and don’t know if you will leave the marriage or not. Silence and time give them a safe zone.</p>

<p>I am sure confused- at least it seems things are different than when OP first posted about her H in another country where men just had to repeat “I divorce you” three times.</p>

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<p>luvmykid, my heart breaks for you. What a world of insanity you’ve entered into! </p>

<p>To the OP, I wonder if other cultural factors are at play here, in terms of your H’s actions as well as the response of friends. Americans tend to be more outraged, go right to divorce, and sometimes such things are more condoned in other cultures, right or wrong. Which means nothing in terms of the degree of heartbreak and feeling of betrayal for YOU. It is complicated. </p>

<p>I watched my dad take on the lifestyle of ‘women on the side’ while living overseas, and his excuse was ‘they do things differently here’. Well, they might, but that in no way mitigates the pain caused by adultery. </p>

<p>Despite my first priority being not marrying a womanizer, I lived through this myself, now decades ago. Life takes you down crazy paths. I’m glad to be divorced from the betrayer, and he has not necessarily gone on to a life of bliss with future women, though in my heart I (mostly) wish him well. My friends supported me, but I was in my cozy, family oriented midwest neighborhood. </p>

<p>I wonder what some of the the friends you confessed to might have gone through in terms of betrayal, either themselves or among family and friends. Just a guess, maybe off base.</p>

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<p>* The smartest thing I did was to tell NO ONE *</p>

<p>I can understand that tact. My French relatives used to say that the “French Way” was that when a wife finds out that her H is cheating, that she shouldn’t confront him (if she wants the marriage). She then needs to develop a tactic that encourages the H to break it off (without him knowing that his wife knows).</p>

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<p>star: I agree, many things are terribly wrong, most of which I won’t go into here. It’s complicated.
I hate the idea that I’m suffering to protect his image (this includes an excellent professional reputation, church, etc.) H is very much the public persona of our family, so his reputation = my reputation. So, in my situation, nothing good could come of others–especially our kids–knowing about this. When I first found out, nothing would’ve felt more satisfying than to dump his stuff on the lawn, change the locks, and spray paint, in red, “Cheating Husband” on the back of his car. But after that initial anger, the truth is, I still love my husband and want to work it out. </p>

<p>About the woman being blamed: I think there is still a double standard–if the man cheats, the wife is blamed for “not satisfying him.” If the wife cheats, well, she’s a whore. Not saying I believe this, but many people do still have this attitude. It seems like I would be put on the defensive if I told anyone my husband cheated. I do care about being judged.
(Yes, I’m an ugly, old, mean, frigid b*tch–that’s why my wonderful attractive H is seeing a 26yo. Can you blame him?)</p>

<p>LOL–The French Way–H even tried to talk me into that–where the wife just accepts the fact that the other woman is out there. Oh, and plural marriage/sister wives, that’s another one. Or maybe converting to Islam?</p>

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<p>Like every other complex situation in life, there is definitely no right answer for everybody… My husband used to be the person I trusted most in the world, but as there is currently no trust, of course I wanted to talk with other people I trusted. Neither I nor my husband see these people every day…Husband hasn’t seen 2 of them in at least 2 years, so this was something I did for me-- I don’t have to worry about his reputation, I have to worry about staying intact so I can deal with the mess he made. He claims he wants to remake our relationship. For the time being I have decided not to decide what I want.</p>