<p>To set up the situation, I dated my ex for almost 4 years, but we broke up a little under a month ago. I was the one who initiated it when I realized I hadn’t feeling the same way for awhile–we’d spent a year apart with him still in school and me working full time halfway across the country–and we were about to move in together. I had started talking to a guy I knew via work, and recently we started dating casually, and then after going out with a few other guys, I decided I was ready to do something exclusively with the guy I’d been talking to. Things are going great and I’m really happy for the first time in awhile!</p>
<p>That being said, I’ve experienced some judgement from people for starting to date someone ‘so soon’ after breaking up with my ex. I do realize a month isn’t a ton of time, but to be honest, I’d checked out of my relationship awhile before. It also doesn’t help that he has had a really tough time getting over it and has introduced a lot of drama into my life that allowed me to get over it quicker than I thought. Does anyone have any advice on how to deal with this? My best friends are all very happy for me, but I do get that feeling that some people are socially judging me for it–and that makes me anxious</p>
<p>One of my favorite sayings is: Don’t let people live rent-free in your head.</p>
<p>Meaning… if your closest friends are all very happy for you, then why do you care so much about what the others, who obviously do not know you or the situation as well, think?</p>
<p>It is, however, your job to live with not being able to please anyone. </p>
<p>What kind of “judgement” are we talking about? From whom?</p>
<p>Incidentally, to answer the unasked rhetorical question, people are judging you because you are acting like one of those women who can’t be alone. Or one of those women who grabs a rebound guy, makes him feel special, and then runs off when the rebound phase is over. There are also women (and men - this all applies to men, too) who have zero clue of how to pace a relationship. </p>
<p>Whether or not you ARE one of those people is none of my business. I will only point out that if you ACT like one of those people, the solution to not being treated like one of them is to stop acting like them. You’re 24; give your new relationship some breathing room. If it is meant to be, it will be, even if you take it slowly at first. </p>
<p>Also, see the thread on breaking up long-distance. One parent made an excellent point about being slow with “I love you”, since it can never be taken back.</p>
<p>The OP says her best friends are very happy for her - those are the people that know her best; if she were one of the kinds of people you say people are judging her of being, don’t you think her best friends would be the first to tell her she needs to reevaluate this new relationship? She’s talking about ‘some people’ that she ‘feels’ (so it hasn’t even been validated) might be judging her. If we all went around behaving in ways to please the ‘some people’ in our lives, we’d be miserable.</p>
<p>If it makes you feel any better, I met a girl while I was dating someone else. I broke up with the old one one night and had my first date with the new girl the next. Friends and family were happy for me and we married 10 months later.</p>
<p>I think what you notice is what you pay attention too.
By that I mean that you seem uneasy about coming out of a four year old exclusive relationship and a month later seem to be hoping you are in a new committed relationship.
Are you afraid to have breathing room , to explore how you have grown and changed in the last four years?
Your friends that wholeheartedly approve- are they friends who see the big picture and think that you are being true to yourself or are they themselves anxious to see someone who isn’t paired up?</p>
<p>I understand how you are feeling. There is a lot of pressure for people to “mourn the relationship,” in part in consideration for the dumpee’s feelings. This can be a classy move in a lot of cases. HOWEVER, if he is bringing drama and being immature about the break up to the extent that you are getting over it way faster than you thought, then you don’t owe him any break up etiquette. Yes, break ups are hard, but if he’s going to make your life miserable, then date someone who makes you happy. Your friends are pleased, you are pleased, strangers probably don’t know the whole story. Just let it be, the drama will be over soon.</p>
<p>“By that I mean that you seem uneasy about coming out of a four year old exclusive relationship and a month later seem to be hoping you are in a new committed relationship.
Are you afraid to have breathing room , to explore how you have grown and changed in the last four years?”</p>
<p>What emerald said is what makes me a little uncomfortable too. Initially I was ready to say, screw what people think, there is nothing wrong with going at your own pace, live your own life, etc. But…going from one serious relationship quickly into another serious relationship sounds like a mistake. You need time to reflect, time to be single, to date other people, or maybe not date at all for awhile. You don’t want to date someone just because you feel the need to have a boyfriend. Big mistake, as if you do that, you might never find the right one…you might just end up with the one who is there.</p>
<p>Believe me, I have thought about this, my dear niece is going from one serious relationship to the next. Every time, this is the one! But she’s always attached to the wrong one because she feels uncomfortable without a boyfriend, without considering that maybe she should just be on her own for awhile. </p>
<p>I wonder if that is actually what your friends are concerned about.</p>
<p>Teriwtt: again, an irrelevant comment that does not address the points I made, but is seemingly in contradiction to my points.</p>
<p>Obviously (eye roll), not everyone runs around quizzing the OP’s close friends about the situation. Just as obviously, I never endorsed the judging, just pointed out why it happens. Nor did I tell her to rearrange her life to suit busybodies. </p>
<p>Less obviously, the OP may or may not have the kind of friends who would tell her to her face if she were behaving badly or jumping into a relationship too soon. She’s 24 or 25, hardly at the point at which seasoned friends would tell her to tone it down. It could be a great relationship, or it could be a disaster. </p>
<p>Well, that was a few wasted minutes of my life…</p>
<p>Who are these judgmental people? Friends? Co-workers? Family? How are they finding out about this relationship? If you’re posting lots of pics on FB where it’s going to get back to the old bf, then I’d cool that aspect. It’s one thing to be in a new, satisfying relationship and another to rub it in the ex’s face, because you know he’s going to find out about it.</p>
<p>I’m usually of the mind that if someone has a problem with me that’s their problem, but there is something to be said for being mindful of the feelings of your four-year significant other. That may not be the case here at all.</p>
<p>Sometimes people are just dumb. When I broke up with my HS/college bf of four years, my mother definitely took his side, and I’ve never forgotten that.</p>
<p>Again, you obviously are not 24 or 25 because you have no idea how young adults can act. In a nano second my daughters friends would be honest as all get out if they thought she was in an inappropriate relationship and needed to tone it down, and she would tell her friends likewise. Your generalizations are way off base.</p>
<p>^^^I am in my mid-20’s, and I disagree. Depends a lot on the people in the friendship and a lot of other factors. I think it’s too much of a generalization to say that her friends would automatically tell her.</p>
<p>Soccer, the exact same thing happened to me. Five years with my ex and I started dating someone new within a week. What no one knew is that our relationship had been over for a while just not officially broken up. My close friends knew the truth and supported me. It was less close friends that were quietly judging me. </p>
<p>However, two and a half years later and we’re engaged. Sometimes things are just meant to be. </p>
<p>Your close friends are what are important. They know you better than anyone and they would likely be the first to call out a rebound. Everyone else is just looking in and only knows part of the story so screw em.</p>
<p>If this relationship lasts then everyone will come around. </p>
<p>If it doesn’t you will understand why so many people get so concerned about what appear to be rebound relationships. It is very very easy to get stars in your eyes when you have just come out of something that felt not so great for a long while. To feel attractive and witty and alive. And the high of a new relationship can be amazing.</p>
<p>I’m definitely not rubbing it in on social media, I’ve actually made a point of not mentioning it on Facebook or anything like that just because I don’t want people to be like ugh, she’s just jumping into something. In terms of being over it so fast…he brought a lot of post-breakup drama that insulted me and made me really uncomfortable. In addition, we had spent the last year apart and had been living together in my apartment for the last month, and I realized that we were in two different places in our lives. He didn’t think that, but I saw the writing on the wall–I’m working full-time in a very demanding, stressful career, whereas he’s just starting law school. There also were a few other issues that finally caught up to me, and I just felt trapped. I mourned it for a week or so after the breakup, but after the drama started, I just didn’t feel sad anymore–I just wanted to move on. I’m not afraid of the breathing room, since in fact I’d lived on my own for the last year basically doing just that. </p>
<p>In terms of dating other guys, I went out on a few dates with a few other guys, and I just kept coming back to the guy I started dating for a multitude of reasons that I won’t discuss, but when I’m with him it’s like being with my best friend–and that is something I couldn’t ignore.</p>
<p>My personality tends to lend itself to making everyone happy, which is probably why it bothers me that I can see some people are uneasy. My friends who are happy are my best friends for years, and they aren’t afraid to tell me when something is up, so I know they aren’t just lying to me about that. I also know it’s not the whole ‘dating someone you know from work’ thing since my industry actually encourages it. Coworkers don’t know as we haven’t advertised it and while we work on the same floor we don’t actually work together…a few people suspect it since they see us go to lunch together occasionally and they will see his name pop up on our IM service, but we want to stay professional in the workplace.</p>
<p>soccergurl - you sound like a very mature person, with all the steps you have taken to NOT advertise it. Even though your ex has taken the low road with regards to the break-up, it sounds like you have taken the high road. And you sound like you’ve got a winning group of friends who will hold you accountable.</p>