Social skills - where do I even begin?

Parent Cafe
1

I’ve posted here about my challenging 7 (almost 8) yo who fits the classic Aspergers profile. Well H and I just had a quarterly catch-up with the principal and school psychologist who sang from the same hymn sheet. PLEASE FOCUS 100% ON IMPROVING SOCIAL SKILLS AND DO NO NOTHING ACADEMIC BEYOND HOMEWORK. It was quite simple.

I really don’t know where to begin.

I’m very social and am a professional manager. H is geeky but manages quite well in his academic medicine circles. S2 is a social butterfly. This feels like trying to figure out how to teach S1 to be human, and I’m thinking very much about the whole “wrong planet” lens associated with the spectrum.

If anyone is aware of a program or book or anything I can utilize, I’m all ears.

Calling especially @Mom2aphysicsgeek who I beleive saw this coming.

2

When I was investigating Aspie related resources, I found out there are classes, or group sessions, to help kids build social skills.
Good luck to you. Your son is lucky to have you as an advocate.

3

As 1213mom said, there are classes, summer camps, etc. that work on improving social skills for kids like yours. Did the school psychologist have any recommendations? Where we live there are places that do psych-social evaluations and they give parents ideas of good programs. My D is in college but did lots of volunteer work with one of these programs while she was in HS (alongside professional staff) and said that she could see a noticeable improvement in social skills over time. I hope you find a place near you that can provide the support your child needs.

4

I’ll talk to my brother. Niece was somewhere on the spectrum. Now has her BA & MA and works with Asperger/Autistic kids. Who better to understand? There can be light at the end of that tunnel.

5

Many school districts are offering social skills groups for students with ASD these days. Also, check university psychology, counseling, and speech language clinics, especially if you live by a university that offers graduate programs in one or more of these fields.

6

My nephew (HS senior) is an Aspie. Patience is the first thing you’ll need a lot of. I don’t know the details of all that my brother and SIL have done, but it did include a designated aide at school in grades 1 through 3. (Miss S was always in the classroom, ready to help him specifically.) My brother believes that was probably the single most important thing, because a professional was there to assist at the moment a problem was happening, and to guide him toward a better response, day after day, for 3 years. In our extended family interactions, there have been a lot of in-the-moment interventions; one of his parents would say, “It’s not your turn to talk; you’re next.” Things like that. I know that they (the parents) also have had a lot of education along the way about what to expect, what’s helpful and harmful. I don’t know the form of the education, whether it was support groups, or consults with doctors or what. They were lucky that the school was extremely helpful.

For high school, Nephew switched from public school to private, where there has been a lot of support and one-on-one. He blossomed there, partly because he was enabled and encouraged to pursue his interests, music in his case. Just in the last couple of years, he’s become easier to interact with, has learned to recognize social cues better and restrain himself somewhat. I have to say he’s a sweet, smart kid, always has been. He’s going to college away from home next year. So, though I’m not an expert at all, I have seen a success story in my own family.

7

I strongly recommend finding a good autism support professional for your child outside of the school system. Telling you to work on social skills and that is the sum of their advice is not at all helpful. You need professional guidance and support on how to best help your child.

I would search for ABA therapy options. http://www.centerforautism.com/aba-therapy.aspx

That is where I would start.

8

Sounds like an occupational therapy assessment would benefit your child . They often have social skills groups to model proper social skills behaviors and provide an environment where they can practice desired skills. Google Occupational therapy providers in your area . Does your son attend a public or private school? If public , request and OT eval at school. Good luck.

9

PM’d you

10

It was my impression that you arranged with the school district for ABA. How many hours a week are they giving you? Are these hours primarily at home (with generalization to school) or at school as pull-outs, and how many hours of parent training are in the package? Is the person supervising the program a BCBA (Board Certified Behavior Analyst)? How many years have they been doing this, and have they worked with students at your child’s level of functioning? How are they managing unstructured parts of the school day such as recess and lunch? Are teachers encouraged to list concerns?

Did your child have prior ABA programming as a preschooler? At school or at home, and for how many hours per week? Were you involved in n the programming, and were your contributions as a member of the team valued?

It is typical for a student in our public schools to also have access to OT and ST, which will work on social skills development, whether or not they are in a mainstream classroom.The iep will typically provide for both pull-out sessions and work on generalization to the social atmosphere of a classroom, on both remediation and accommodation. Parents have also had educators sent to conferences or gotten grants to go to conferences themselves. The Penn State Autism Conference seems especially popular. Iep’s will also address less structured times of the day such as recess or lunch, and provide support for the classroom teacher when projects will involve group work.

Also, it bothers me that your district has instructed you not to work on academics outside of homework and to concentrate on social skills. (Do they actually mean behavioral compliance?)Your family would seem to do a great job of teaching social skills to a child without an ASD, as evidenced by your other S. If you knew how to do this without explicit instruction and input, you would have done this already.

Sorry, but that instruction just seems more than a bit patronizing even if it is coming from the school’s behaviorist, and especially if they are not directing you to “extended day” programs or one on one home programming, although they might mean that it is not productive to allow your child to spend all his time at home following his own agenda without interruption and without learning to accommodate feed-back from other people.

Sometimes parents flip normal expectations and do academic instruction at home (where there is less likelihood of sensory over-stimulation that would interfere with learning, and more latitude in accommodating initial difficulties and resistance) and program for generalization and development of social skills at school. I would also take an especially close look at what is happening during unstructured times of the day such as lunch and recess, and make sure there is programming for these times.

I don’t know how much you have already read about ABA, but if you are starting out I would recommend browsing the Different Roads to Learning catalog as well as the website suggested above. My own experience of running a full-time ABA program for a several years was that books are a start, but it is also necessary to “apprentice” to someone ho has practiced this with success for a number of years.

If you haven’t already, I would also read Neurotribes and In a Different Key. Also whatever Temple Grandin has written. Also (for an Aspie) Tony Attwood. From there, you can branch out into memoirs, including parent memoirs. There are several of these that describe ABA programs, and I would find it very surprising if you were to have an “aha” moment and decide that the child in a memoir exactly mirrors your child, but you might get some ideas of how parents work with schools. Ketchup is My Favorite Vegetableis a recent memoir that I seem to recall describes a parent who is working with an ABA program.

If you are serious about diving into ABA, I would also suggest reading some critics such as Barry Prizant. My own experience is that some of the criticisms are valid for some programs, although over the decades programming has become much less rigid. Many of us do end up synthesizing several approaches as we individualize programs.

Perhaps others would have different suggestions of favorite autism books.

11

Fantastic feedback all around. Thank you sincerely!

S1’s services include:

  • 10 hours / week ABA therapy (delivered at home) including 2 hrs with supervisor that can be used for planning and school contact
  • 45 min / week CBT for anxiety delived by a social worker
  • 45 min / week 1:1 with director of an autism service
  • full-time para professional (school aid working with him 1:1)
  • placement in and ICT co-teaching class (two teachers, one sped)
  • speech in school 2x 30 min (pull out)
  • OT in school 2x 30 mins (pull out)

He also does a few hours on the weekend of math tutoring (online class), takes a weekly piano lesson (practices daily 15 mins). His main preferred activity is reading (wide variety of fiction and non-fiction). He just learned how to ride a two wheeler and has proclaimed that biking is “his sport.”

The ABA and CBT therapists were working on reducing anxiety around his most challenging academic subjects, writing and math. We are not pivoting to supporting interactive social skills with adults and peers.

I really don’t know how to wrap my head around all of the skills that are needed from maintaining eye contact during conversation to reciporcation to undertanding that some comments are rude “football is dumb.”

12

@frazzled2thecore’s post is excellent. I don’t know how things work within a school bc we have always homeschooled. Based on her description I am left wondering what services the school is providing.

13

We cross-posted. Seeing the list of services he is receiving, have you connected with a local autism support group? Meeting with other parents might be a good source for you to ask questions to help you understand the big picture better and find social skill classes.

14

A friend’s daughter on the spectrum has been in a social group since age 9-10. She is now 17 and the improvement in in her social skills over the years has been tremendous. In addition, it gave her a social group to go out and do things with - especially in high school when she wanted to be out and making friends was a challenge. I believe this recommendation for the group came from her neurologist/psychiatrist and the woman conducting the group is actually a speech-language pathologist . It helps to network with other parents of kids with the same challenges.

15

We have this social skills group in our area and I have known some parents who liked it: http://www.blastedu.com/

16

My now 17 yo Aspie daughter has been in social skills groups of one kind or another since she was about 5. Some have been more effective than others, but overall they’ve been somewhat helpful. She is still struggles socially, but she does know how to behave a lot better in social situations than she used to. There’s a program that I’ve heard recommended for children your son’s age that you might want to look into called Secret Agent Society. It either didn’t exist when my daughter was that age or I wasn’t aware of it. I would also highly recommend any of Michelle Garcia Winner’s (she’s a speech-language pathologist) books about social thinking. There are several, some written for parents and educators and some written for kids. I’m currently reading one called “Socially Curious and Curiously Social” written for teens and young adults. I’m hoping it will be helpful for my daughter who’s going away to college this fall. You can find more information about her books and her approach at:

https://www.socialthinking.com/

17

https://www.aspergerexperts.com/basics/were-more-than-just-aspergers/
Best resource I’ve ever seen, as it is written and produced by people with AS and has an on line community, videos and webinars.

18

Thanks for the clarification. It seems that your S has a pretty full schedule, inside school and out. You ought to be able to ask them which “academic” activities they think you should let up on, and what types of activities you might substitute to promote social skills and well-being.

I don’t see taking piano lessons per se as a solitary activity, or math tutoring where there is back and forth with an instructor, and at least in our schools, proficiency in these will give a child some social capital, especially as they grow up. It is true, some solitary practice is necessary to develop proficiency, but this shouldn’t be an issue unless it completely displaces other pursuits that are important.

Reading for hours might be seen as an academic pursuit that would displace social activities, but kids around here will also find it interesting to be around a well-read peer. Knowing how to ride a bike or join in with a group of children are also social/recreational skills. Later on, knowing how to swim or join a pick-up basketball game might be important. He might like to learn a band instrument and be part of the band once he gets to middle school, or participate in a sport.

Perhaps the school meant that it would be helpful for him to get out more, aside from museum visits with parents and the like? (But, getting out to a museum, if that is what it takes to get him out, is vastly preferable to spending all his time at home, imho.)Or to work on chores at home that improve the home atmosphere for other family members, or for guests? Or that a social goal should be incorporated into other activities such as learning a piano piece to perform for his grandfather, or to discuss a book, or to tutor another child, showing off a computer program he has written, or planning a bike excursion?

Do you think he would choose to socialize more with other children outside of school, even for short periods of time, if given the opportunity or that he might initially resist but enjoy himself once he got started? Can you get some ideas of how to make this happen in your community, either through support in places where typical kids would hang out, or in specialized skill groups such as other posters have mentioned? Sometimes if a child has no peers to hang out with, a parent can pay a mature high school student to get them out of the house and doing something interesting.

All of this takes time and to some degree will continue for years. I think you are being very thorough - do not get discouraged!

19

My adult D. has claimed before and continue having the same belief now that being exposed to very many un-related activities at the very young age and going forward (she was in 5 at 7 yo) has helped her to be more socially mature than many others when she started her HS. I suppose she analyzed her skills and compared them to others’. You would think that being the only child would be her disadvantage, but it was not at all. She was out of the house pretty much every evening all thru graduating from HS, meeting all sorts of very different kids in different environments even a lot at different locations at the out of town meets. At college, she made sure to further develop her social skills by being involved with very different students than her immediate surroundings. That was a major reason for her having a Music minor (she was Zoology major pre-med) and getting into sorority (no busy pre-meds were there, only D. and her friend). her efforts paid off. While in medical school, many of her superiors and patients commented on her superior bed manners and ability to connect to people with very different backgrounds.
I do not have an experience with the child “who fits the classic Aspergers profile.” Outside of this group, involving a kid in unrelated activities seem to develop their social skills. I also strongly believe in doing “NOTHING ACADEMIC BEYOND HOMEWORK.” Doing homework well and on time was sufficient for my kids and grandkids to be high caliber students. My effort with my D. specifically was to make sure to get her out from “overdoing” her homework as she tended to get into indefinite re-writing of her papers in pursuit of some kind of perfection. There is no need for it, there is an opportunity cost to such a behavior. It is very important that kids spend sufficient amount of time with their friends.

20

I have an ASD son, now 22. He was homeschooled through 8th grade. Not knowing much about your son, I am wondering what the school means by telling you to focus on social skills above all else. Is it to make others safe/comfortable around your son (stopping inappropriate/disruptive/threatening behaviors)? Or trying to make your son behave like others(forcing a square peg into a round hole-- because “normal, like everyone else” is the stated goal/their measure of success)? Or for the benefit of your son–because he wants to have friends, do social activities, and he is sad/upset because he is not included/invited along with classmates and wants to change his behavior so others will accept him /value/seek his friendship?
I wonder if so many services and so much focus on “problems/deficits” could be causing more anxiety? Sometimes designated social groups only serve to provide examples of more problems/deficits. Every kid is different. My S couldn’t talk until he was 7-8, and is nearly mute. He went to a big public high school with few problems. He is about to graduate from college now. He has never had a friend. That seems sad to people who value friendship, but he doesn’t understand it, he doesn’t seek out friends, and not having them isn’t something that he views as a problem. He doesn’t feel sad, so why should people feel sorry for him or tell him he ought to feel sad? He doesn’t have good social skills, but fortunately no inappropriate behaviors–he knows what others expect/what is conventional, and he is compliant. Sometimes I wonder if he had been in school at an earlier age–would it have been better or worse for him? Too much focus on “abnormal” and “differences” could lead to exclusion/bullying. Maybe this is different in different places, but by high school there seemed to be more emphasis on letting people “be who they are.” Within reason, of course. I would never use a disability as an excuse to allow my kid to inflict inappropriate behavior on others. My kid is old enough/intelligent enough to understand that socially appropriate behavior is for the comfort of others. It doesn’t matter if you don’t feel like greeting someone, making eye contact, replying to small-talk. You do it because the other person expects it and might feel uncomfortable or misunderstand you (think you don’t like them, etc.) if you don’t do these things. Of course stopping any inappropriate/disruptive behavior would be the first priority. For a parent it is a long, bumpy road–not knowing when/if your kid will reach milestones. I have silently celebrated some very late and very tiny steps over the years. There comes a point where trying to turn someone into everyone else is futile. You start seeing your kid’s assets/talents/skills instead of constantly focusing on deficits. Aren’t square pegs OK, too? Under what circumstances do we really need to keep trying to pound them into round holes?