Son accepted, now doesn't want to go??

<p>My son was accepted at BS, but now that deadline is looming, he says he wants to go to local high school. While he didn't jump into this process with both feet, I know he liked the school and the opportunities it would provide him. I think he is nervous to leave home, and doesn't want to leave his local friends. Do I make him at least try it for a year (as I know in my heart he will love it)? I can see how great it would be for him, but he can't seem to see it this way. He's a straight A kid, that hasn't had to try very much -- which has been fine by him. I'd like to show him what it's like to be in a really great class, with teachers that care about him and want him to be challenged. I'm afraid that he'll just coast through public high school without pressing himself to his full potential.</p>

<p>Any thoughts would be appreciated.</p>

<p>Have you revisited yet?</p>

<p>Many children want to please their parents. It sounds as if he knows that you believe it would be a wonderful opportunity for him. Does he have any adult friends you can trust to be a good sounding board for him? If he's found the courage to tell you he doesn't want to go, you should take his concerns seriously. Sometimes, an adult who is not a parent can help a child work through his worries. </p>

<p>He can apply next year. It is not the end of the world. Even if he waits a year (at least), you could find other opportunities for him to experience a challenging class. Perhaps you could arrange for him to attend an academic summer camp, such as the camps the parents are discussing on another thread. </p>

<p>If a child really does not want to go, it's a mistake to force him, in my opinion. In any school, there are too many opportunities for him to get into trouble, or at least, make things very difficult for himself. Sending him to a boarding school will only transform him if he wants to be transformed. Boys change so drastically at adolescence, next year he may be ready to go--or he may be able to articulate his doubts more clearly.</p>

<p>You know your son, and I don't. In my family, I have relatives who have huge fits of temper--and then everything's fine afterwards, all is forgiven. On the other hand, some of my relatives remember grudges for a long, long time. Which do you think is more likely, if you were to force him to go. Would he say, 20 years later, "Thank you so much for sending me to boarding school. I really needed that." Or, "You never listen to me. You never have. I told you I wanted to stay home, and you sent me away." Only you and your spouse know how to answer that one.</p>

<p>Tough call,</p>

<p>My youngest wanted to test drive a BS by going to a summer program. Then got cold feet. The "fantasy" and the "reality" are often very different. Only - once she got on campus, she did everything but shove her foot on our rear ends to get us to leave that evening. Once there, she was grounded and comfortable. After five weeks had to be dragged off campus kicking and screaming (not literally- but you get the drift). She was in love with the experience.</p>

<p>I think for many kids, the idea of actually "going" is tainted with the fear of the unknown. Some adjust quickly, others never recover. It depends on the kid. </p>

<p>You could "defer" a year - but that just makes it harder to say goodbye to friends and it doesn't guarantee you'll get a spot the next time.</p>

<p>I would say a revisit is in order. A revisit is a lot different than an interview visit. He'll spend more time going about a normal routine with his host. Then see how he feels.</p>

<p>But the big question is - whose idea was it to apply - his or yours? The answer to that may be the answer to your dilemma.</p>

<p>I had regrets when I first arrived on campus back in the stone age. It lasted until that evening when a student a year ahead of me came down to my dorm room and said "hi." Never looked back. </p>

<p>But every kid is different. </p>

<p>Best wishes - I hope that you both can figure it out.</p>

<p>You would at least save a lot of money by choosing public school (in most cases.) Also, public school can be a better experience for your son. It may give him more practice dealing with different types of people and classes. Both types of schools have their ups and downs. Just make sure your son is sure of his decision. It would be bad if he was partway through public high school and he wished that he had gone with boarding school instead...</p>

<p>Good idea to discuss all the pros and cons with your son. Discuss advantages and dis- advantages of attending BS vs PS. If he got ACCEPTED to a very good BS, talk to him about all the efforts and time he put in. Getting ACCEPTED to a good BS is a major achievement. Talk about all the opportunities. Benefits of Harkness method, student teacher ratio, EC options, sports he can try or participate and the facilities a good BS offers.</p>

<p>Good BS try to help a potential student to be become a well rounded CITIZEN, not just focusing on studies or sports. </p>

<p>If you can convience him to try it for a year it may help. There is no downside in not going for a year. He can always come back to public school anytime if he dosen't like it.</p>

<p>Trying to get in next year is harder since number of opening reduce as you apply for higher gardes.</p>

<p>The fear of unknown may be playing a roll in his decision. Talking to him about his fears and overcoming is something you need to work with your kid. A good BS is an opportinity.</p>

<p>IF he needs more time, you could enroll and sign up for a reinbursment plan. If he changes his mind within the next few months, you may only loose your deposit and part of enrollment fee. </p>

<p>If you can afford it, it is better to admitt by April 10, before you give up your seat. This option will buy him some time.</p>

<p>sully1 - </p>

<p>What are we talking about here? BS halfway across the country or 45 min. up the road from your house? It makes a difference, I think.</p>

<p>But in the end, either way, I think I'd have to agree with Periwinkle . . . It is your responsibility to do what's best for your son, but if what you're talking about is sending him away from home, when he doesn't want to go, I think you need to think twice about it. A push to get a kid to go away to summer camp for the first time is one thing. If it doesn't work it, it's not the end of the world. A push to get the kid to leave home for eight months of the year is something else altogether.</p>

<p>I am blessed with a kid who can't wait to get away from me! (Should I admit that?) :D But if he didn't want to go, BS wouldn't even be on our radar . . . I'd find local community college classes, online classes, whatever it would take to supplement what he's able to get in our local school. Find a way to challenge him without his leaving home.</p>

<p>What about talking to a counselor or administrator the local school about the curriculum? Parents, too. If your son is moving up from middle school, you may find that he will be able to be more challenged than he was in middle school, so it may be a better academic option than you think.</p>

<p>the realization of going might have finally set in. like instead of originally applying thinking oh, i wont have to decide for a while and then now needing to decide so fast, while knowing his whole life will change if he goes to a bs next year, is a little scary.</p>

<p>Is he proud of being admitted to the school he is considering going to? A certain degree of "feeling special" - though not something you can rely on for long term satisfaction - is a strong motivator. Help him imagine what it'd be like to be part of that school focusing on things he'd not be able to do in his local school. Listen to his concerns carefully and try to determin whether they will be overcome easily with time knowing who your son is as you do. If he's serious (before and after revisit) about not going, don't force him. It'd backfire big time.</p>

<p>Ok … so more details … yes we revisted to the school Thursday. The school is only 1 hour away from home, and I work maybe 20 minutes from the school. It’s tough to really understand what he’s thinking. In the last couple of months, he’s really come into his own at his middle school (girls are starting to be in the picture). So part of my thinking is that he feels pretty good right now where he is, the people that are around him. He does have a fantastic group of young boys as his friends – they come from great families, do well in school and sports (and none of them are leaving to go to a different school). So there is no problem I’m running away from. Our high school is well respected. My issue I guess is that I think he would grow so much at this private school, and really come into his own. He would be challenged to explore things that I know he wouldn’t do here at home. His whole world would change to what he’s exposed to, how he thinks, etc. Neither my husband or I went to BS. Honestly I was hesitant at first for him to even apply boarding, but having gone through the process, and visited the school several times … I just love it! I think my son has just gone along with the process more for us honestly, but I do think it’s his decision. I would just hate for him to kick himself down the road. I’m trying to talk him into just giving it a try.</p>

<p>If he is entering 9th and unsure I would recommend waiting a year- or two- and going later. I was shocked as to how common this is in the bs community once we arrived at the school. Since neither of us went to BS we thought it was "better" if you were there for all 4 years- which now I think does not really matter- but may more experienced parents can chime in on that?</p>

<p>I think entering 10th grade is better for some kids. The downside is that they have one less year to get used to the BS, but they grow mature in one year and have more time to develop their interests at home when life is not as hectic as in BS. Entering at 11th grade is tough. You face a tougher competition to get in and you must hit the ground and run at full speed, which is challenging.</p>

<p>If your high school is strong, and your son has a circle of great friends, your family is blessed. It sounds like he's been a good egg. He's humored his mother. </p>

<p>If this has been your project from the beginning, you should listen to his decision. Many kids can't stand up to their parents, but it sounds as if he can, without shouting, anger or tears. That's an admirable strength of character.</p>

<p>Perhaps he will decide he would like to board after he experiences the high school. He will grow so much in the next four years, no matter what school he attends!</p>

<p>Sully..</p>

<p>It also depends on which BS he got admitted to. Some are great BS, while other you need to approach with caution.</p>

<p>I dont know much about loomis, but mabye someone who knew the school better could tell us a bit about it? My dad met there dean of admission and he said they had a great time talking.</p>

<p>I think what is important, while you are discussing his options with him, not to antagonize him. My parents and I have had some disagreements over a particular school-- they wanted me to go, I didn't really. And we got nowhere when all they would do was say how great the school was. I felt like they weren't listening to me at all and it pushed me farther from wanting to go. Just make sure he feels like you are on his side. Discuss the good things about public school, some of the bad things about BS. Just don't let him feel ganged up on or antagonized, because once I talked to my parents about the way they were coming off, they changed their stance a bit and now I am much more excited about this school.</p>

<p>Lommis Chaffee is a great BS school that has tradition and culture. You are likley not to go wrong with it. It was one of our short listed schools. Similar to Taft. This year it seem harder to get FA at Loomis Chaffee. (must be ht eimpacts of economy)</p>

<p>It is one of the good BS that gives your kid a great opportunity for the future.</p>

<p>I really thought Loomis would be the perfect place for him ... we're going to sit down tonight and try to list pros & cons of both. Thank you all for your thoughts.</p>

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I really thought Loomis would be the perfect place for him ...

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<p>And it may be the perfect place for him. And he might still prefer less perfect and more familar . . .</p>