<p>Our son just started U. of Oregon a month ago. He absolutely loves it which we are thrilled about. My husband just visited and when he said he was coming our son said “oh good I have a list of stuff for him to get me while he’s here.” When I aksed about if he enjoyed his Dad’s visit he said “yes, I got a lot of cool stuff.” My husband told him I was going to visit a couple days before Thanksgiving and he said “why.?” My husband felt like he was imposing on his busy life and I am now not planning on visiting. Is this normal? Didn’t expect this at all.</p>
<p>It’s healthy- he is 18/19 and in charge of his own life. He will reenter your life a little later.</p>
<p>It is not “normal” in a sense that it is not how it usually is - but it is how you should want it to be!</p>
<p>It varies from kid to kid. My son we hear from now and then but not as often as I would like. Sometimes it is like getting blood from a stone trying to get a word out of him. Other times he talks for ages. I admit I feel I have not quite figured out the balance with him of staying in contact but not intruding. And he is 22! My daughter (19) we hear from frequently - varying from a 2-3 word text one day to a nice phone call another. I text her rather than call if something pops into my head that way she can get back to me on her schedule.</p>
<p>I think it is healthy though sometimes hard. We saw much more of our daughter last year but realized it was because she was in an unhappy relationship. She is so much happier this year and having a lot of fun with friends so we see less of her. Knowing the reason we see less of her is because she is so happy in her life makes it easier to deal with.</p>
<p>Totally normal. We are getting in the way of their good time. They love us but want us to wait for Thanksgiving and other appropriate times when they can visit on our turf. My parent’s ability to pop in at will was the only thing I remember realizing I had not thought through in choosing a college! It’s the kid’s who are clinging to us because they’re unhappy at college we need to worry about.</p>
<p>Our son is a freshman at Penn State and never calls (unless he needs something!) And I’m thrilled, but a little sad at not knowing much about what’s going on in his life. I’m thrilled, though, because our daughter had a very tough time her freshman yr at U. so.Carolina (a terrible fit for her) and so I much prefer my son’s happy situation. We went to visit him on parent’s weekend and ended up coming back early because he had plans for Sat night and didn’t want to get up early for breakfast on sunday. I told my husband that “I’m off duty” or something like that - I don’t have one of the jobs I used to have (managing son through college process) but I’m free! (for now).</p>
<p>My son was “very independent” for the first semester. That changed after awhile…</p>
<p>When we visit our son at college (he’s a sophomore, 5 hours from home), we feel like he’s always happy to see us come… and happy to see us leave! It’s what we want, but it is only natural to feel left out.</p>
<p>That said, if your son ONLY talked about the stuff his dad brought him, you might want to toss in a question (in a light way), like, “Oh, and did you enjoy visiting with your Dad, too?” And if he says, “Why are you coming?” You can say, “Because I want to see you! I miss you and maybe you can show me around a little bit. I promise not to pry too much.” in a lighthearted tone. It might remind him not to take you for granted, which sounds like what he’s doing. It’s normal, but not really right.</p>
<p>Disappointing as it is, it sounds pretty typical–and particularly for boys. I found it incredibly hard until I had a chance to visit campus and see his life in more detail and that allowed me to at least picture more clearly what he might be doing–even if he wasn’t communicating much. But there is a definitely a drought of information and it is such a contrast to the preceding 18 years when we knew more than we wanted to know sometimes…They are entirely absorbed (and usually happily if we are hearing nothing) in their new universe and developmentally it is an important phase of adult independence from parental oversight. It is also a gift we give them that they can be responsible simply for themselves and their education. More gratitude for that would feel great–but they are often not THAT mature yet. It does come with time. Mine is now a junior and actually has taken to (gasp!) writing letters (occasionally) that come in an envelope in the mail!</p>
<p>Think back - did your parents visit you twice before Thanksgiving your freshman year? Did your H’s? Would he have been happy to squire his mother around town for the weekend when he was just finally feeling settled in and balancing school and social life and such? (Gee, it’s easier giving advice once my own son is out of college!)
Your son’s comments about getting stuff are pretty typical guy talk - they don’t want to say “It was good to see Dad.”
PS - I hear the leaves are beautiful in Eugene this week, and the weather is getting crisp and the football team is doing great. Let him miss you a bit before the turkey cooks!</p>
<p>When I traveled 3,000 miles to see D I still had to take a deep breath and accept that while she loved my being there–it was, in fact, her world. It helped a lot that I am an independent person and so would say, “when are you free” and I was (or acted as if I was) perfectly happy to be on my own. This actually meant that over a 3 day weekend I might have dinner alone and see her at 11:00pm. So-the best way to have your S/D happy to have you visit, I think, is to show enormous respect for their life and fit in as if you are a model guest.</p>
<p>From what I can tell of my limited experience with the matter at hand, boys, in general, tend to want to talk more to their fathers at this age about what is important to them rather than to their mothers. It is great that your husband went to visit your son. You will see your son at home at Thanksgiving or winter break to catch up. Most important, be sure that you do not convey anger at your son, even if you really feel that way. Just be happy to see him the next time he comes home.</p>
<p>I have a son who is a sophomore. I disagree a bit with some of the above. We raise a lot of self-absorbed people in this culture, women and men, though as adults men seem to me to often be more self-absorbed.</p>
<p>For instance, most of the care of my 84 year old mother is left to me. My brother, whom she adores, sees her two weekends a year.</p>
<p>I don’t want my son to think that his only responsibilities are to himself, so I let him know that I expect him to stay connected to us.</p>
<p>I would not expect him to put us first in his life, but I do expect him to honor the love and the connection we have.</p>
<p>Now that he has a serious GF it’s even more crucial for him to know that I expect our connection to remain, although I probably will never be the primary source of connection for him again.</p>
<p>OP, go to page 2 on the Parents forum and read the thread about “Frequency of Contact with your Freshman”. You will quickly see that you are not alone. This behavior seems to apply to most males (at least as freshmen) mine included.</p>
<p>Oregon state schools during football season is a very busy time. Perhaps he’ll have more time and inclination for a visit during basketball season?</p>
<p>I think it’s important to recognize that by going away to college, students are learning how to be independent, something that we as parents want them to learn to be because we will not be around forever.</p>
<p>I also think it’s a good idea for parents to ask about whether it’s a good time to visit instead of just deciding to visit when it’s convenient for parents. The students have full lives, and just because they love us doesn’t mean that when we decide to drop in so to speak would be a good time for the students.</p>
<p>I know this is hard for us to consider because we’re used to very different situations with our kids.</p>
<p>Just to say how hard it is to start giving our kids the courtesy that we’d give our friends who live away from us, and whom we would like to visit, H and I plan to visit S in college. H and I planned this trip around our schedules, and view it as important because H is on sabbatical and is getting ready to go abroad until the spring.</p>
<p>The day we will visit is literally the only day that we are able to do that before H goes abroad. Fortunately, when we confirmed the visit with S, it fits into his schedule, and it sounds like he’ll be able to spend a few hours with us. If not, though, we would have had to gratefully accept what he could give us because he does have commitments and responsibilities of his own.</p>
<p>Last year, we ended up visiting S one month into freshman year. There was a conference on his campus that related to H’s work, so H was able to go there as part of his job. The conference also was something that S was interested in, so we saw him a bit at the conference, and hung out a bit with him afterward. Otherwise, however, we wouldn’t have visited so early during his college career because it was very clear to us that S was taking a great deal of pleasure in being independent of us.</p>
<p>I think that if we’d just showed up without having the conference to attend, S would have been annoyed (though he’s too gracious to probably have let us know about that annoyance) because it was a big deal for him to finally be on his own particularly since he is emotionally very close to us and also shares many interests with me.</p>
<p>Back to the OP: I think it would be a good idea to reconsider visiting just before Thanksgiving. Far better to ask your S when would be a good time to visit, and then not to be surprised if S suggests that occur after the first of the year. </p>
<p>Seems odd to me, too, to visit just before Thanksgiving since presumably, he’ll be coming home shortly anyway.</p>
<p>Another thing to consider: When your S comes home, don’t assume that he’ll spend 24/7 with you. If he’s like most students, he’ll want to spend a lot of time catching up with his friends, and perhaps also just enjoying being alone in his room (True solitude can be hard to obtain in college).</p>
<p>Remember when our kids were toddlers and wanted to spend 24/7 with us even when we were in the bathroom? We loved them, but also felt smothered by them, and thoroughly appreciated getting some time away from them. Now the situation is reversed, so it’s important to accept our kids’ independence with love, not resentment.</p>
<p>I agree that we do need to teach them reasonable standards of reciprocal communication (like returning calls in a reasonable time span and responding to email questions that are time-sensitive). At the same time we need to respect their need to feel independent and responsible without constant contact/monitoring by us. I found that explaining that I needed to hear “random non-personal details” about once every week or two in an email was helpful–and I gave completely non-intrusive examples (what do you like best and least in the dorm food? Which prof has the best sense of humor? what is random google fact you enjoy?) of the kinds of things that would make me content–and also explained the “withdrawal” from contact syndrome parents go through. It worked mostly…and now has resolved completely.</p>
<p>also: it is good, as Northstarmom said, to be prepared for them to not be so available when they are home. They are out with friends or in with friends or sleeping until noon or hibernating with their computer…at least more than we might hope. We now spend Thanksgiving in a city near campus (where we have family) because my son prefers it to coming home “because I see more of you guys.” I don’t argue. We soak up time with him then and when he is home a few weeks later for winter break then he can see friends.</p>
<p>Northstarmom:
What you wrote made me laugh out loud -
“Remember when our kids were toddlers and wanted to spend 24/7 with us even when we were in the bathroom?”
I must remember that every time I’m feeling like an empty-nester (although one is still in HS, we barely see him!)</p>
<p>D as a freshman, just did not call. H kept reminding me “now what did you used to say when people asked what you wanted your young daughter to be?” Yes “a confident, smart, independent woman”. Guess what—MOST independent and confident kids dont feel the need to call home. And thats a good thing. BUT it still stinks.</p>
<p>I agree that we need to respect their independence and that this is a time for them to explore new relationships, opportunities and interestes that may not include their parents.</p>
<p>Having said that, I also think we need to share with them that we are still family and that we need to hear from them, perhaps see them and learn a bit about their ‘new’ life. Maybe it’s OK to negotiate these things, but I don’t think parents should give up on being involved in their lives just because they are away at college. </p>
<p>I don’t think it’s out of line to set some standards for communication. I don’t think it’s a big deal to ‘inconvenience’ them to play host to a visiting parent. It’s a matter of respect and maybe a bit of gratitude for all M/D have done and continue to do. I’m not talking about heaping on the guilt trip, but we are still parenting them to a certain extent and it seems to me they can be inconvenienced just a tad. Frankly, it seems a bit out of line to me that a son would balk at a brief visit from his mom, assuming the visit doesn’t conflict with something S already had preplanned.</p>
<p>My mom used to remind my siblings and me: “The world doesn’t revolve around you, you know.” Looking back on it, her speech was a good reminder that there are other people in my life and I have a responsibility to them–parents, grandparents, siblings, etc. I don’t expect colllege-aged kids to come up with this on their own–especially the boys–but a ‘gentle’ reminder of how we feel is often a good thing. It’s nice when young people empathize with others, rather than being so self-centered.</p>