<p>Agree w/ Biel. And to add on – I’ve definitely had times where a relative/fam friend will be in town on business or whatever and now as an adult, I am expected to go to lunch with them or be a gracious host to them for a few hrs even if it inconveniences my plans to hang out. These are skills you indirectly learn in college when you have to accomodate your parents’/siblings’ phone calls or visits. There’s no need to lecture about this but requiring some communication or expecting some accomodation for a short visit isn’t over the line and over time they’ll start to realize that in the real world they will have responsibilities to others.</p>
<p>My first job at a bank after graduating from college, I heard an associate of mine(same year as me) making a hotel reservation in the City. I knew he lived in the City, so I said, “hot date this weekend?” He said, “No, my mom is coming into town, my apartment is too small for her stay at, so I am putting her up at a hotel.” We were both making decent money, but we also had a lot of expenses living in the City, so I was surprised he was going to pay for his mother’s hotel. He told me it was his responsibility to have a place for his mom to stay at when she came to visit.</p>
<p>I think it is all part of upbringing on how much respect we show our parents. I tell my girls to always check out potential boyfriend’s relationship with his parents. It tells a lot about a person, and the family.</p>
<p>Agree with Mythmom and Beil1958. OP you are not alone. Check out this thread with pages and pages
on this very subject.</p>
<p><a href=“http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/parents-forum/237053-we-miss-him-maybe-he-doesn-t-miss-us.html?highlight=Helms2Lee[/url]”>http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/parents-forum/237053-we-miss-him-maybe-he-doesn-t-miss-us.html?highlight=Helms2Lee</a></p>
<p>
Very good point. I tried telling my D that about her ex who has an awful relationship with his parents and treats them abysmally - especially his Mom. She believed all the tales he told about how awful the parents, sibling etc were. Now she knows better! Oh and she now realizes the ex g/f was probably not such an awful b*tch after all now that she has been cast in that role herself :rolleyes:</p>
<p>Thanks for the responses so far. Seems that some parents feel as I do and some that feel that it’s best to just let them be. I think there’s a balance and it’s tough going from being very close and talking a lot to almost nothing. He doesn’t answer my emails but will answer txt messages usually. I’ll keep reading all the valuable insights and find the balance. Not going to visit though before Thanksgiving as some work conflicts have come up. Thanksgiving seems so far away but I’m it will be here before we know it.</p>
<p>Just keep telling yourself you are happy that he is so happy and smile :D</p>
<p>I think the ease of communication with the internet and cell phones etc makes us expect and want more contact than was the norm or our parents when we left home in the olden days. </p>
<p>Thanksgiving is only a little over a month away.</p>
<p>It is true that electronic communication has skewed expectations…My parents expected a phone call a week maybe less…and it was short because it was a pay phone and a long distance call (calling collect would be too extravagant). And there were other people waiting to use the phone in the dorm. Some letters were expected as well…but really --they knew way less about my college life than I do from reading the college website and newspaper on line!</p>
<p>I’m a student. Not a parent. Here’s my 2 cents:</p>
<p>He is growing up. Give him some space.</p>
<p>I feel like so many parents come on here to whine about how their kids “don’t love them”, etc, and it bugs me.</p>
<p>Tough luck. Half of the time it’s the parents’ faults anyways.</p>
<p>This is normal, in time it will all change and he will actually seek your advice. Have been there in this situation.</p>
<p>Halie: He has plenty of space. Some day you will understand when you have your own kids.</p>
<p>Hi SDiegoMom:
We don’t hear from our son much, either. As you can tell from my screen name, we are from Oregon (Go Ducks! But don’t let my OSU grad dad hear that! :rolleyes:). Our son is a freshman this year, 3000 miles away from home. There was a family weekend at his college last weekend, and my husband went. They had a nice time together, but I don’t expect communication to suddenly increase. I think that’s just the way our son is: independent, having a good time, staying busy. He probably just doesn’t think to call. He will answer (most of) our emails, so we prefer to contact him that way. He doesn’t get much time off for Thanksgiving, so he will not be home until Christmas. It seems like a long time away but time is going by so fast already, it will be here before we know it. Anyway, I have no advice but wanted to let you know that you are not alone. Hang in there, SDiegoMom. HUGS :)</p>
<p>Thank you oregonianmom: I remember you from previous posts about U. of Oregon and other things I have read. I am very happy for him and thrilled that he is enjoying Eugene so much. I just miss him and love to hear all the fun and exciting things he is experiencing in his life. Wish I could turn back the clock 30 years and go there myself!</p>
<p>Normal son. Ours is a junior and now in an apt (I know I DON’T want to see it now- they’ll probably still have plenty of cleaning products sent by mothers at the end of summer…). Freshman year especially they need to become independent and don’t need parents interfering in their lives. Do not expect to hear about roommates, either. By junior year we can call and actually have our son tell us things and ASK US how we are and what we are doing- a shock the first time he did it. There are past threads that deal with being mothers of sons- and their lack of communication.</p>
<p>
I don’t think that’s true at all. Is it normal for kids to not call? Of course. Should we respect their space, ask them when it’s convenient to call or visit, or perhaps wait for them to initiate some contact? Of course. But please don’t imply that kids that do call home frequently are not independent and confident. That’s just not true.</p>
<p>Every situation is so different, you simply can’t generalize. Only a parent can tell if lack of contact might mean something is wrong. </p>
<p>And definitely I agree with posters who say we should teach the kids there are always obligations to other people, even the old parents.</p>
<p>Most independent… does not imply all, there are always exceptions to generalizations. That statement should reassure a parent that being ignored is healthy on the part of the child. It does not imply it is unhealthy to call home, just less common.</p>
<p>Teaching and having the student/child do as they’re taught are two different things, especially at this age where they are trying to separate and define themselves independent of their childhoods. Expect your college freshman to be busy trying out different images of him/herself and not want you to know all the details- give them their privacy. The friends you meet on one visit may not be in their lives the next. It takes time- there is a learning curve- for them to sort things out, so yes, they need their space as mentioned. You do not want to see all of the rough drafts- wait for the version that emerges after their “sifting and winnowing” (a phrase on a plaque at UW). </p>
<p>Parents want to be part of their child’s life, it is frustrating to let go, but you have to. Look at the other side of the coin, see things from his perspective. The caterpillar you raised is now in his cocoon, be patient for the butterfly to emerge. Enough analogies- I’m getting carried away.</p>
<p>Son is a junior and is MUCH better at keeping in touch with us compared to freshman year. I think this is a common story. He calls pretty much every week. Plus he and my H text each other during sports events - H gets a lot of fun out of that. Emails are good for basic communications.
I do think freshman year requires a great deal of adjustment and energy - and boys are less likely to reach out. Although my S is doing better, we hardly heard from him when he went overseas last summer. Same thing, I think - lots of energy devoted to soaking up experiences in a strange and new place…with very little left for the 'rents.
Very normal…but still hard to deal with sometimes!</p>
<p>Reread posts. You can try to establish standards for communication- but you can’t enforce them. YOU may decide once a week or whatever is a good idea but your child may not and won’t be able to disagree due to the still unequal power structure. His way of handling your attempt at imposing something will probably be to ignore your rule. We know our son is unlikely to initiate contact so we call him, and have established when is most likely the best time to call on the weekend (definitely not in the morning or evening…). Remember to keep flexible- you can find out when major exams are and not bother him that week as he will be stressed and it will worry you- a good luck email will let him know you care and not interrupt his studying.</p>
<p>I agree with wis75, agree with your kid on a good time to call once a week. You call instead of counting on him to remember. It’s perfectly normal for a kid to be too busy to be thinking of you, but I don’t think most kids think that being called once a week is too onerous. We usually call late Sunday morning and get him 90% of the time.</p>
<p>We seem to have settled into somewhat of a pattern: Either S or I will email the other something (a question, cartoon, update), and and then a flurry of emails follow that day, then it’s quiet again for about a week. At the very beginning, I texted a couple of times to ask him to call when he was free, which he did.</p>
<p>Except sometimes the pattern changes…
This Sunday we initiated a call because DH is heading overseas for work today. Had a great 45-minute chat with S, and he finally shared news about his life beyond the classroom. Am very happy he has been out doing new things and meeting tons of people, and was starting a humanities paper a week before it was due. (!!)</p>
<p>Then the weird thing happened: he called me at 1 am. Unfortunately my cell was downstairs so I didn’t know about the call until morning, but he also emailed. He was offered a research position for next summer and was totally psyched. He didn’t even tell us he had applied for the internship – he updated his resume, wrote a cover letter, took it all in hand and let us know afterwards. We exchanged a couple of brief emails and then <em>he called me</em> at work to chat as he was walking to the dining hall after class. A Great Miracle Happened Here! </p>
<p>I suspect, due to various issues, he had always wondered if he would be capable of managing his life independently – and this quarter has been devoted to figuring out just what he has to do, and how he can do it without us. It is bloody hard to be on the sidelines, but that’s our job right now.</p>
<p>For any of you who are interested, there is another discussion thread going that touches on the same topic of communication. It is Frequency of Contact With Your College Freshman. I had the same experience as many of you–hearing next to nothing from son, and he’s not much interested in coming home or seeing us. We did visit a couple of weeks ago and what I found pleased me to no end. He’s happy, he’s healthy, he’s made amazing friends, and he really loves his life right now. He also said he’s been busier than he ever imagined possible. Once I discovered that, I could relax. However, it is my intention to talk at some point about expectations for communication, but honestly, it seems most people say they hear much more from their older students than from their freshmen. I think it will evolve on it’s own.</p>