Son failing at midterm--do we intervene? (apologies in advance for long post)

Parents Forum
1

First, a little backstory. My son was always an excellent student, right up until 11th grade, when driving, dating, and peer pressure took his focus off of schoolwork. When, for the first time, we noticed his grades had tanked Junior year, we intervened with restrictions, punishments, and even counseling because he said he was depressed. 2 separate counselors released him saying there was nothing out of the ordinary. He managed to get his grades back up and miraculously graduated as an AP Capstone scholar with a partial scholarship to a university, but up until the end, he was still late with assignments and not working up to his potential, instead counting on his test scores to pull him out of the hole. Still, we hoped he had learned his lesson and would turn over a new leaf in college. He said that he wanted to be a different kind of student in the fall, and we hoped he would commit to it.

His adjustment to college has been tough–the first week he was desperate to come home. He knew no one, his roommate is never there, and he has been very lonely, choosing to come home and hang out with younger friends who are still in high school on the weekends. He has found some guys to play music with (he is a music major) but no one he feels close to. After riding him over grades for the last two years of high school, we backed off, even after he texted us in a panic the first few weeks because he was sleeping through some of his classes (none of them are early–these are 9:30, 11:00, and 1:00 classes). We have recommended alarm clock apps, sent his old-fashioned alarm clock back with him, and have encouraged him to reach out to his professors and try to see what he can do to get back on track. We know that this is his responsibility and no one can do it for him–it’s sink or swim. But, we can see that this is not a shocker, based on his actions over the last two years. We have reminded him regularly of the GPA required by his scholarship and also by us as a condition of paying the balance of his schooling.

Yesterday he texted me and said he was lonely and depressed and was worried he was failing all his classes (Only two days earlier he had told his dad he thought he had all Bs). He said he feared losing his scholarship and that he was “pissing his opportunities away sleeping.” I recommended the counseling center and reaching out to teachers now while there is still time, but that he has to commit to it. After a sleepless night, I decided today to log in and look at his grades, and sure enough, he has 2 Fs, 2 Ds, and 2 As which are likely to drop to low grades because it appears he has not turned in multiple assignments which have not been graded yet. I also looked into his email and see where multiple professors and TA’s have been reaching out to him over not attending class and not submitting work. He has no idea I have logged in and looked at all this. I also see today he sent a few emails to teachers and appears to be making some attempt to complete some of the work, which made me feel better. He knows his status as an honors student, his scholarship, and his good standing at the college are in jeopardy. The scholarship chair has requested a meeting, which I suspect may address these concerns, but he is avoiding it.

I know I am being nosy. Please do not abuse me over this. I am also extremely concerned about his academic standing and mental health, so sue me. Plus, he does not know I looked.

There are 6 weeks left in the semester, then exams. Most of his teachers seem willing to give him a chance, IF he will take advantage of the opportunity. My husband is ready to drive up there and have a surprise “come to Jesus” talk with him, reminding him that he has one shot to turn this around, or he is coming home and getting a job. We are torn. We know that failing can be a valuable lesson, and one he may learn regardless of whether we talk to him or not, but we hate to have this knowledge and sit back and do nothing when there may still be time for him to correct course. So my question is: sit on this info and bite our nails for the next six weeks and see if he passes or fails, or talk to him directly NOW and say, “We know the grades–now what are you going to do about it over the next 6 weeks” and reiterate the consequences that will befall him at school and at home if he digs himself a hole this deep?

The only person we are considering contacting is our own son. What would you do?

2

I don’t blame you a bit for looking online. I think a trip to see him is appropriate. I wonder if he can withdraw and take Ws now to save his GPA for another attempt at college at some future date.

I would not find any part of another semester like this. I’d probably have my kid come home, get counseling, and work for a semester while he considers what he wants to do and how he can be more successful next time around.

3

I would call or go see your son in the morning. What is the point of waiting? You would feel awful if he failed and you did nothing to help. Who cares that you read his emails?

4

I think the Come to Jesus meeting is good, but it should include the question What can we do to help? Can we pay for a tutor, review a paper, help organize notes? Do your laundry, clean your room?

He sounds overwhelmed, and he may be. Take one class at a time and see what can be done.

5

I’d definitely go see him. He needs your help.

6

Sorry this is happening. I do agree that I’d go see him soon (although it doesn’t have to be a surprise). Decide together if he is mentally strong enough to pull things through or if he should consider withdrawing so he’ll have a clean slate to either re-start at that school or start another school down the road. Talk to the financial aid office about the implications of different scenarios. His health and well being are the most important thing.

7

I would tell him that it is okay if he withdraws and comes home. Make it clear that he can take some time off, figure out what he wants to do, and there will be plenty of time to go back to college when he is ready. If he does come home then make sure that the university is clear that he has withdrawn for health reasons.

“His health and well being are the most important thing.”

Exactly. There will still be many universities a year from now, and two years from now, and for the foreseeable future. He needs to focus on his mental health first. To me it sounds like he wasn’t ready for this.

I am not sure if any of us parents can be quite sure what will happen when our kids go off to university. It is a big jump.

8

I’ve read other threads on CC that could be tremendously helpful to you, and I’m hoping that some of those posters will respond to your post. Basically, I recall seeing people mention that if you tackle this from an illness standpoint (because depression is an illness, and his issues are all very symptomatic to his illness), you will have a much better result for him as it relates to the school. Sorry I can’t remember more.

9

Thanks for your reply. Unfortunately, he has missed the date to withdraw passing. I don’t know if citing mental health concerns would give the school more flexibility in allowing him to withdraw.

10

There may be different rules for a medical withdrawal.

11

A medical withdrawal documented by a health professional can often mean that the entire term is basically a withdrawal (not a per class withdrawal). However, it may also mean that he must sit spring semester out and have medical documentation saying he is “fit” to return, whenever that is. There are undoubtedly many resources on his campus to help him with any mental health issues, time management, roommates, etc. If he contacts his advisor or the student affairs office, they can give him more info about those resources. In the meantime, I think you are smart to intervene. Perhaps you all can figure out a plan to correct course or alternatives like withdraw.

I recently had a student hospitalized for two weeks with mental health issues. When he returned, his other professors and I worked out a manageable plan for the missed work and he is now back on track and doing well. The number one key to this was communication. He notified student affairs, they notified us/profs, we communicated with each other, and he came to meet with each of us after various emails.

12

Thank you for clarifying how mental health withdrawal works. I teach at a community college but have never dealt with this before. His father is driving up tomorrow to talk with him so we will see how it goes. I wish I could go too but have a full class day. I appreciate your and everyone’s encouragement and advice on this issue and will update. He is resistant to counseling, and I have harped many times about the various support services the college offers. Maybe we can convince him to contact his advisor or student affairs.

13

Kudos for your being nosy! Intervention seems needed. He is even telling you he is depressed- asking for help. Major help from you and the system needed- not just a band-aid approach. The physician in me (different specialty than psych) thinks it is a true illness that needs attention. Just visiting the student center does not seem enough at this point. I would get a thorough mental health screening/evaluation soon/now (not at the end of the semester or the next break). A psychologist can test him and determine what may be needed. Force the issue. Procrastination is easy and the hole keeps getting deeper and deeper. You, as the interested other person, can get him started.

Your/his situation is different than that of most freshmen. He CAN’T get himself to do what he needs to do, he needs his parents’ help. Knowing what to do is not enough, he needs you to get him to the help. Good to hear his father is actively helping with the trip. Very hard thing to do but needed.

Best wishes to you and him.

14

Nothing to add but HUGS. This is so hard, but jumping in is the right thing. This too shall pass, but he does need some help getting beyond this point and into a direction that is yet to be determined. He seems stuck and needs a loving push to get on a new path. Best to you all…

15

Has he been to the college counseling center? Or the tutoring center there?

16

I have a little different take on this – and you may not like it. We see a lot of threads on CC about failing students, and first of all you need to realize that this isn’t unusual (although it is unusual for you, I’m sure).

Okay. First of all, you need to face/admit/deal with your own parental feelings. Failure? Shame? Embarassment? Fear? Absolutely normal. But not at all helpful. Take a look in the mirror and be honest with yourself. Your son has not murdered, raped, or stolen. He’s just failed at school in this moment. His life will go on. He will recover. Will he finish a degree? Will he stay at this school? Too early to know.

Second. Call him up, and say you were worried and concerned, and checked his grades. As mentioned, this is the very worst time to be angry or confrontational. The most constructive response is “what can we do to help you? do you want to take a semester off? what does the school say? and then LOTS and LOTS of listening” He doesn’t need anyone to tell him he’s failed – he knows that. What he needs is for you to be the flashlight, the lighthouse, the map to a way out. Stay positive. Be on his side. We hear from lots of students on CC who want to know “how do I tell my parents, they’ll hate me/disown me/ yell at me”.

There’s a significant difference between being clinically depressed, and non-clinically overwhelmed and shamed. Many excellent students who have been managed and pushed by parents get to college and founder. Remember all the corny bumper sticker sayings at this point — “Not my monkey, not my circus” and “parents lifting weights doesn’t make a student strong”. You have to let him drive, but it’s okay to point out directions he might choose. But he has to do the choosing, and you have to listen. Don’t be angry (or don’t be angry with him)

You will all feel panicky and scared. Don’t turn on each other, and don’t make it worse than it is. Because things don’t go according to a plan we made when we knew very little about college doesn’t mean all is lost. If you are worried about his safety, after you talk on the phone, go see him in person. Give him a hug, assure him that you love him, don’t bend to other parents’ feeling like you should scold and yell. They are idiots. Feel free to tell them so.

Been here, done this, came out the other side. You can too.

17

Thank you, all. He has not been to the resources on campus despite my urging. He is unlikely to go. He does seem able to focus on things that interest him, like his music, and was able to spend an entire weekend composing and recording with a good friend from home. He will drop anything to go do music. He seems to seek escape from his true responsibilities. I think I will start this morning by calling Student Health to see what local doctor they recommend for a screening or evaluation if they are not equipped to do it there. It may be something as simple as intensive counseling or perhaps an antidepressant (though we’ve been leery of the risks due to his age).

18

Antidepressants can take up to a month to begin to work, and even then, May need to be adjusted for dosage. I’m not sure what your concern about his age is-tens of thousands of people younger than he is successfully manage their illness through medication. Finding the right therapist or psychiatrist can take a lot of time and effort and is rarely available quickly. You may wish to assess resources close to home immediately.

19

Sorry, but you continue to sort of leak judgment (He seems to seek escape from his true responsibilities.") I think that he gave plenty of warning that this might happen, during his dip in high school.

As parents, it would seem that you tried to control the uncontrollable with external carrots and sticks. Motivation just doesn’t work that way over time. The motivation needs to come from your son, not from threats or promises from you or from a scholarship board or anyone else. And right now he is not capable.

Why is he sleeping? Have him checked out physically. Does he have undiagnosed mono, or a thyroid problem, or some other physical issue? If not, then it would seem he is depressed. TRUST him. This is not his fault.

Of course he can still do music. That would still be possible during a depression.

I think you need to explain to him that seeing a psychiatrist or therapist NOW for a diagnostic evaluation may make things easier for him, in the form of legal rights to accommodation or to a medical withdrawal without penalties or W’s. The slate would be wiped clean. He would leave for a year, most likely, and then have a reentry interview with a doctor at many schools. He would have to show functioning while home via job or other activity.

In a practical sense, explain that his transcript needs to be protected for future options. If he stays, he will most likely not do well, lose his scholarship and have an unfortunate transcript anyway.

I would seek counseling yourself. Your son is in crisis and has been for awhile now, and you are expressing a lot of feelings and attitudes that are not helping the situation, that you are not aware of. You need to support your son right now. This is not some kind of character flaw. There is something wrong.

Is he in a school of music for a BM?

I vote for him to come home but YOU need to change or coming home will be destructive. Sorry to be harsh. Many of us have been there and can see how this can go down the road. It can work out. There are no disasters. This is an opportunity.

ps any chance you can take the day off?

20

In addition to Compmom’s fine list (mono, thyroid) do you know if he’s eating (other than energy bars and coconut water?)

I think your son has opened the door for you guys a couple of times and I’m glad you are walking through it. He needs your help and seems to be seeking it.

Intensive counseling isn’t “simple”. I think you need to approach this without some taxonomy of “here are the easy fixes, here are the difficult fixes”. There are NO fixes. Just a process of figuring out what’s going on (sleeping through 11 am classes is problematic regardless of whether he stays at college or not- no employer is going to put up with someone blowing off shifts to sleep) and then figuring out how to slowly address them.