It is not lost on us that we may have contributed to this situation by intervening during his high school years. That is why we sought counseling and attended it with him, and twice the therapists said they did not see any significant issues to continue pursuing, cited “protective factors” about our family, etc. Yet, the struggle at school and with meeting deadlines/assignments continued (and continues).
He is sleeping because he stays up very late, often watching Netflix or surfing the net into the wee hours. He has said he can’t make himself go to sleep at night and then can’t get up in the morning. It is our personal feeling that if a healthy 19-year-old can’t get out of bed, then something is wrong and needs to be checked out, so we will approach this with him.
I believe we do recognize that there is an ongoing crisis, but are not sure what will help. I do think counseling could help, but have been discouraged by our experiences in the recent past.
He is at a state university studying for a BM, yes. And you’re right, depression doesn’t mean you can’t do anything at all. But we do feel like while he is at school, his job there is to learn, attend class, and complete assignments, so I suppose we do feel like if he is able to make time and devote hours of attention to other things, it is frustrating that he won’t or can’t turn that attention to the things that he is obligated to do or face serious consequences academically. We have asked each other if he really wants to be there at all, if he is self-sabotaging in some way. We have asked him the same and he says he wants to be there.
It appears it is time to ask these questions again. Thank you for the input on how an evaluation could be helpful in the near future.
My son’s friend was cut from soccer during freshman orientation at his college. He was devastated - we had always joked he was going to college to play soccer & maybe take a couple classes. Apparently, he was so depressed someone anonymously called the counseling center to report him because they were worried about him. His parents only found out when he called to ask them if they had reported him (they hadn’t). But it did help him. Maybe call the counseling center directly and ask for their help. You can request not to let him know it was you that contacted them, but they can reach out to him and help him if he won’t take the first step. Good luck! I know how tough it must be as a parent to watch him struggle.
The other point to consider is the scholarship. Do you need it? If he remains in school, it is most likely lost as those grades are too low to recover. If he gets a medical withdrawal, can he get the scholarship next year? Do you need to be concerned about finances?
My daughter did exactly this - she even got tossed from the Equestrian team and her honors dorm assignment and lied to me about it. She went back and forth saying it was okay and it was not okay – and then saying she was depressed. To this day I don’t know the truth. I should have brought her home after the first semester and let her do another instead which wasn’t better. He is far it the hole at this point. I would probably drive up there and have a talk with him but be prepared to be done this semester. I am sorry it sucks I know.
By all means intervene and get him help if you truly think he needs help. However, not all kids who fail need that kind of help. Not all kids are meant for college and it takes others longer to adjust and get to that point.
I have a child who was similar. My child knew the grades were poor but really never faced the fact until final grades came out and saw the GPA. There was Shock!!! Child came home and went to community college. We told this child that they could quit and get a job at the end of the second semester if that’s what was needed but a job had to be secured. And although this child expressed that’s what was wanted the reality of limited job options was also scary. Ultimately turned it around and got a 4.0 at the community college second semester.
This semester, last minute decided to go away again and give it another shot at a different university and is thriving. When told school was the only option…failure! When given the choice what to do, that reality was scary and ultimately chose school ( we were sure this child would quit school).
You said your son would do anything for his music. My opinion is right now school is not his thing, music is. Give him the choice. Let him find his own way. Ultimately he may come to the realization that school is the answer. Maybe in his case it’s not. It was an extremely tough year for us and our child but it has worked out.
Raising and launching children is not for the faint of heart. Good Luck!!
One of my close friends has a son who ended up not attending college (to mom’s dismay) to focus on music. A few years later he is self supporting at it – not a great living, but he is making it work for now. She really wrestled with it, but now is supportive.
I’m going to ditto wis75 post #12–He is already telling you he is depressed. Take him at his word on this one. It could have started back in high school and this is a continuation. You may not have realized then the energy effort it took him to bring the grades back up then.
Grade drops from a capable student, sleeping all the time are classic symptoms. He knows what to do–he knows how to study, he knows he needs to go to class, he knows he needs to turn in work, he wants to do well. He just can’t.
He needs your help to drag him to a proper medical evaluation and get back on track (INCLUDING medication if needed). And besides depression it could also be another physical cause so a proper medical work-up is necessary.
You say he will drop anything to do music.And he probably seems fine and focused while doing music.
I know the flip side is “if he can do music, then he can study and turn in papers too.” But that’s not true.
Music may be the one thing that requires nothing from him in mental energy and lifts endorphin levels in the brain.
It’s a form of self-medication (same with Netflix and gaming).
Please listen to him when he tries to explain how he’s feeling. He may not be able to articulate it well. Don’t dismiss his feelings (which is easy to do with one simple "get over it"comment). Kids want to please their parents–don’t make him please you by having him just tell you what you want to hear.
You know him best. Your gut is telling you something is wrong. You are the eyes that can tell personality changes. No counselor can do that as well as you. If he does come home and start medication for example you are the one who will notice effects first (even over your son surprisingly)… If he is depressed and needs meds–get them. You’d fix a broken arm or take an antibiotic fpr an infection. You’d put oil in your car when the level is low to keep it from burning up. Brain chemicals work the same way–low levels cause depression and meds help raise them up (but it can take 4-6 weeks–sometimes sooner).
Keep posting! You are not alone–there are a ton of threads with stories similar to yours. A lot of caring people here.
@sdwm70 Try for a medical withdrawal. Have him take some time to work on his mental health. Excessive sleeping can be a sign of depression. Then have him start back at a community college where you can help him.
I don’t know any healthy 19-yr olds who can get themselves out of bed for a class they know they are failing. A lot of them can’t get out of bed for anything.
Call him and get the hiding the truth part out of the way.
He can hyper focus on desirable activities. He knows how to do work when external mentors do the structuring part. He hides and evades unpleasant truths, hoping for magical outcomes. He says he wants to be in school, but can’t make it happen. He’s depressed about all this, but unable to change course.
Have you considered screening for ADHD? Also, finding any counseling or medical professional to formulate a plan will take weeks if not months. You and he need to talk about right now – he’s going to be on acacdemic probation – what does that mean? how does it work? how does he withdraw and get reorganized? Whether it’s medical or not really is not terribly relevant. Erasing the record does not change it, nor does it deal with the problem underlying all of this. Maybe he’s just not ready. Maybe he’s clinically depressed or in need of counseling. Maybe he just needs a little breathing room and a chance to fail and not have it be the end of the world.
All of this will take time to sort out. That’s okay. It’s not a race, and there’s no deadline. Keep in mind that legally he is an adult, and medical professionals are really really limited in what they can talk to you about.
Research what the requirements are for a medical withdrawal at your son’s school. Knowing what that takes will help you as you try to help your son. If he really doesn’t qualify for the medical withdrawal, at least you will know and won’t have any regrets.
If he DOES qualify for a medical withdrawal, that is, in my opinion, the best path to take. It preserves the scholarship, hopefully, and allows a path back to this school in the future. Of course, you have no clue how this is going to play out, but keeping doors open for the future is something concrete you can do right now.
His GPA will follow him, even if he doesn’t return to school right away. His transcript from this semester will be required no matter where he ends up attending college. If he gets a medical withdrawal, it really changes the landscape and gives the Future Son who has taken care of his physical/mental issues and is ready to take on College Again a better starting point for Future College years.
Think through what having him back at home right now will look like. Get a counseling appointment for YOU and spouse to help set up some routine for your son as he recovers from this shock and his possible sense of failure. Does counselor suggest letting him have 2 or 3 days to just sleep before you dive into counseling and whatever alternative plans you have for him to find some meaning in his days?
What could he DO with himself for the rest of this semester? Did he have a part-time job during high school? Could he hire himself out for music gigs? Pick up teaching some middle school kids music? Get back in touch with some of his high school music teachers and maybe they have ideas for how he can stay connected with music in some small way?
This is so not how you envisioned his college years. Admit that to yourself, your spouse, and your counselor. Grieve privately, and then move on. Your son needs you to be strong, kind, and supportive of his current situation. He will ultimately be the one who has to make and own decisions about his life. Parents can ask open-ended questions about how he sees things moving forward, and you do have the right to insist on basic house rules and requirements to show he is making an effort in some way towards recovery.
Sending hugs your way. Especially hard for you to feel stuck at work when every fiber of your being wants to be hugging your son instead.
No judgment here. I think snooping is completely justified when it comes from genuine concern, as yours has. Very often, it brings things to light that should not remain hidden. I believe we can all think of instances where marriages, careers, and even lives have been saved by dealing with things that are uncovered because someone snooped.
This does sound like depression. He probably fell into a pit and doesn’t have the motivation to climb out, even when others show him the ladder. If this were my child, I would ask for a medical withdrawal, bring him home and get treatment. After he is stable and feeling better, you can encourage him to get a job and then start his college career over again when he is ready.
He is not a failure. He has a whole adult lifetime to sort this out and figure out what he wants to do.
@sdwm70 Lexapro is the antidepressant most frequently prescribed for teens and young adults because it is less likely to cause the side effects of some of the other SSRIs. Both of my kids have been on it–my daughter for the past 7 years. It has been very helpful in managing her depression, and also helps with anxiety in some cases.
OP, I’m sorry you’re all struggling and there might not be an easy answer here, but I wouldn’t let him go down with a fight. I don’t think you were wrong to intervene in HS and I don’t think you’re wrong to support him now. I would absolutely talk to him now. I would tell him what you know and I would tell him that you have every confidence that he can get through this if he works to turn it around, but that he will be okay either way. He needs to know both of those things.
“But we do feel like while he is at school, his job there is to learn, attend class, and complete assignments, so I suppose we do feel like if he is able to make time and devote hours of attention to other things, it is frustrating that he won’t or can’t turn that attention to the things that he is obligated to do or face serious consequences academically. We have asked each other if he really wants to be there at all, if he is self-sabotaging in some way. We have asked him the same and he says he wants to be there.”
I already wrote a long post but need to answer this. There really is not a contradiction between “wanting to be there” and not doing the work. (It may not apply to OP but I bet others may recognize it).
Depression can be a deep dark hole at times where a person just doesn’t “feel” anything. That’s a very hard concept. How can you not “feel”? How is it your feelings can go as numb as your foot falling asleep (and don’t you hate that)?
A depressed person KNOWS they should care and “feel”–and that’s a real frustration.
But they don’t care–there is no feeling at times–like being dead inside.
The manifestation can be acting (which pleases everyone around them)–they know how to properly act around people, know the etiquette to move through life. But it takes a lot of energy. But energy is a limited resource.
This obvious conflict in action is confounding to parents–my kid is great with friends, outside people, makes it through a party even and then collapses to near comatose–on ME! What’s up with THAT!
Because your safe–the energy has been already spent pleasing others… Parents get the dregs. It’s an exhausting existence to be depressed.
And while a true passion may be focused on as a “lift” (a respite from no feeling) the “other stuff” (the stuff that matters to the real world and to parents) will be too taxing.
I would get the depression addressed…probably he doesn’t have the energy to go to the counseling center by himeself…Ask him if he has anyone who could waltk over with him…roommate? RA?
Ask if he would like you to make him an appt and come to campus to help?
My daughter needed to go to tutoring center to get a tutor and wouldn’t do it until somebody went with her (anxiety issue). She needed to go to the ER and I came to campus and took her.
I think he is telling you he needs help…I would go to campus and help.
I forced myself to read through this, even though my S went through something similar and I did not handle it well, or not as I would now. Music, oversleeping, depression, all of it. He left college and hasn’t returned, but he’s also alive and working and doing well, and that last bit is the most important thing to me, now.
Thank you, @OHMmomof2. I am sorry you have had to go through something similar, and am glad your son is okay. Just curious, how would you handle things differently, now?
Thank you, @OHMomof2 omof2. I am sorry you have had to go through something similar, and am glad your son is okay. Just curious, how would you handle things differently, now?
I am so sorry you had to go through this. I went through a ton with my D1. You have a lot of good advice here - but the key is to try to figure out what will work in your particular circumstance. I went up to my D’s college a few times each year and stayed in a hotel and let her stay with me during certain times of struggle. While I was there, I met with mental health advisers to come up with a plan(s) - as it took a few different turns along the way. Sometimes she was just so overwhelmed that she needed some time to decompress. That actually worked for her, and is a senior now and is thriving. Was it a struggle time-wise and financially to go up - sure it was. I don’t think that works for everyone. In our particular case, we thought her coming home would be worse than staying up in school because of social isolation - which was always a big issue. Again - every circumstance is different, and you know your S the best.