If he can’t go to sleep at night, insomnia or anxiety, that could also be signs of depression. I really think a medical intervention is important. Especially because how is he going to handle complete failure when all of his grades slip to D’s and F’s. You don’t want him to spiral out of control or make stupid choices.
I’ll PM you
I really do appreciate all the comments and advice. What a great community that can provide dozens of thoughtful responses to a serious problem in such a timely way!
We have investigated the process for a medical withdrawal that would allow him to withdraw without academic penalty, so we now know how to proceed there if he chooses that route. There is no guarantee they will approve it, however, which is pretty scary.
We definitely are listening to his statements about depression, especially because of a long family history of depression and other mental health issues. We do take it seriously. I spoke at length with a counselor on campus so we know their hours and process for getting him there as a starting point. Whether he needs the documentation for a medical withdrawal, or uses the center to help support his efforts should he be able to work something out to salvage the semester, it will be beneficial. We are willing to walk him to the door if need be, as we are not sure how willing he will be to go on his own.
His father is there now, waiting for him to finish up a couple of classes–(he got up and went, so that is a plus) and they will have an early dinner together. Our plan is to offer loving support, ask open-ended questions, and identify, as one poster recommended, possible paths we can shine a light on. We plan to let him know that he can choose the path and we will support him no matter what (although we certainly will highlight the pros and cons of each). I will update as we figure out what to do. In the meantime, send all the parental wisdom vibes you can to my husband, who has this task on his shoulders.
Thanks again to each person who took the time to comment. I truly appreciate the different perspectives and they help.
Do not internalize this too much. Our children do not often have the drive we wish they would. Sure we can prod and nudge but at the end of the day it is the student who must study and take the test. Forcing a child to stare at a paper for 12 hours would not mean he studied for 12 hours. There is only so much we as parents can do.
First things first is get the depression question figured out with medical help.
From what you have posted it seems he might be better off taking a gap year or a break from college at this time. I think a healthy thing would be for him to step away and regroup. Tell him you love him and want him to become a productive member of society and that you will guide him any way you can. But you also need some tough loving at this point to explain to him that he NEEDS to figure out (on his own if he does not take your advice to do the college route) how he will ultimately support himself. It sounds like your son is very creative and loves music. These individuals can be challenging for parents because they tend to experience life differently than others.
The college path is still viable. The best bet to wipe the grades from his GPA is to transfer to a community college to get back on track and then transfer to another school (NOT the same one) to finish up.
There are many paths in life. The current path might not be suitable at this time but may in the future.
Best of luck to you and your son.
@sdwm70 My son went through a bad period second semester sophomore year. And my brother had to drop out and lost a full scholarship. But he went back and completed his degree. The world won’t end if he has one bad semester. It happens all the time to kids. Stupid choice can be forever. What ever it takes to help him get to a healthy place. Your unconditional love is most important. Probably feels like he is drowning. It must be crushing for him to see his grades. Just love him.
I’m sorry that you are going through this. I think the best thing that you can do is support your S with unconditional love and no judgements. It’s important that he doesn’t feel the pressure of your catastrophizing and doesn’t experience your anxiety to compound his depression. I think you are doing the right things researching how he gets help, researching a medical withdrawal, and so on. It’s important that he not catastrophize where he feels like he’s ruined his life and beats himself up. It’s important that seeks out joy in his life, and it’s great that he has the music to do that with. It’s not being irresponsible at all, it’s important self-care. It’s important that he feels empowered to make decisions and all of those be his and if he fails and loses the scholarship, you show sympathy and support not show disappointment and judgement. Failure is not the worst thing that can happen. It’s actually kind of empowering because it happens and the sun rises the next day, and you get back on the horse. Overcoming failure is very powerful. The worst thing that can happen is that his depressions worsens to a dangerous condition. You can’t be nagging him all of the time because that often increases the pressure. He needs to decrease the pressure. I wouldn’t discuss that you logged into his account. I would seek counseling for yourself about how to manage your own anxiety. Good luck.
I would definitely have a complete blood panel done. He might have mono, or thyroid issues. My D had both, and the fatigue was unbearable for her. Not saying this is the case, but it might be contributing to his feeling depressed.
There is also the slight possibility that he isn’t actually depressed, but so fatigued due to insomnia that it’s presenting as depression. Its very hard to be motivated or feel good about life when we don’t sleep.
I know this will probably sound dumb, but there are recent studies on how severely iPads are impacting sleep quality. It can be very addicting. I had this issue and it triggered insomnia…every night I’d wake up at 1 am. I’d watch Netflix until 4:30am then I’d finally fall back to sleep. Like any habit, it was incredibly hard to kick, but once I did, I started sleeping better.
Another issue could be his blood sugar, and/or adrenal function is all out of whack. If he’s suddenly eating a high sugar diet and not enough protein, this impacts sleep quality as well. He may be allergic to chemicals in the processed foods, and it’s presenting as depression. I know this sounds like voodoo medicine to some, but my D suffered from severe migraines for years until we had a complete food allergy panel done, as well as adrenal tests and thyroid tests.
She had high intolerances to many of the foods she was eating (dairy, wheat, soy)–things that most people consider
“healthy” were actually creating havoc for her system.
Adrenals and thyroid function go hand in hand, so a good naturopath might be helpful in running more in depth blood tests.
Best of luck to you and your son.
Been where you’re at, OP.
A retroactive medical withdrawal is a thing.
If you can show a university that your son is suffering from a previously-undiagnosed illness (physical or psychological) the school can retroactively withdraw him. The pro: he has a clean academic record. The con: he will lose his scholarship, he will not have earned any credits - even for his passed classes - and you will lose whatever money you paid for this first year.
I don’t know whether your son has a previously-undiagnosed illness - maybe it’s ADD, maybe it’s executive function disorder, maybe it’s depression, maybe it’s all 3 or none of the above, but simply a lack of maturity. It may be a good idea to have him tested & evaluated so you know what you’re dealing with.
One thing seems clear: right now your son seems overwhelmed, is not succeeding in college and is in danger of, if not outright failure, then certainly academic probation. He needs to understand the repercussions: if he loses his scholarship can he still continue at this school? What does it mean for his next semester?
Do be kind, compassionate and supportive while making it clear that it’s ultimately HIS responsibility to deal with his issues. Whether that means getting the academic and psychological help he seems to need, or withdrawing from school to give him some breathing room and time to grow up a bit. This has to be in part his decision, one that he makes based on your support/advice, and the advice of his academic advisor and doctor(s.)
Remember, he’s suffering and scared too. Try to reassure him, and as you do, look at the big picture: he’s young, he will still have many opportunities even if he crashes and burns now, we’re lucky to live in a society where young people can find their way after getting off the beaten path as teenagers.
Hugs.
Fingers crossed! How good for your son, OP, that he doesn’t have to carry the news about the grades by himself any longer. You will get through this!! Just hang on.
You know some schools allow you to retake Freshman year classes without harming your GPA. Just a thought
New poster here, I am sorry you are going through this, it will get better. You have received a lot of good advice, the only thing I will add is that poor nutrition can lead to depression, and I also know there are other causes but poor nutrition will make it worse no matter the cause.if he is not eating a balanced diet with lots of green vegetables, his body might not have what it needs to make dopamine and serotonin, also getting enough sleep and exercise will help. I will do these asap cause it might mean he will not need to take medications. I am not a doctor all I have is anecdotal evidence.
There were a dozen warning signs in high school that this was a risky kid to send to college. I would be all over getting the medical leave and then let him find his path. He may be a happy musician the rest of his life but it sure sounds like the requirements and deadlines of the educational setting have’t worked for him for awhile. Best wishes…the next short period will be the toughest I think.
Just a side note on his sleeping - as someone that is part vampire, partly due to working third shift for years in my twenties while putting myself through college - just be aware that it can be very difficult to change a sleep cycle. If you spend a week going to bed at 3am and then sleeping your 8 or so hours till 11am, it can be really hard to break the habit. Now your body doesn’t want to sleep before the wee hours, and falling asleep earlier becomes difficult. So the pattern persists. Vicious cycle that kids get into binge watching stuff or studying late – before you know it, your body is locked into it. Not the biggest problem, but his sleep pattern certainly isn’t helping. Sounds fundamental, but a daily workout could help him re calibrate, push some endorphins and just feel better about himself. Just one of many baby steps to consider in the process.
There have been some great suggestions on here, but just want to add that it sounds like he has a wonderful support system in his parents.
@swdw70 Your post hit me hard. I’ve got a similar son. Hugs to you.
Maybe a sleep clinic could help, along with the medical evaluation, psychiatrist or counselor, and possible medical withdrawal. Just a thought.
A diagnosis with documentation from a professional brings legal rights under the Americans with Disabilities Act. So that is one reason to pursue an appointment.
Many on this forum (including me) have been through this. It can take months or years but this can untangle and clarity can happen. The important thing is relationships, which sustain both kids and us during those hard times.
I just want to clarify too that counseling for us, the parents, just us, can really help in a situation like this, mostly for venting and getting clear. I am not sure I ever have followed advice given so much as valued the ear.
There is a good book entitled “The Myth of Laziness.” It is about ADHD. ADHD is not that hard to diagnose with a questionnaire but there really is no good test for it. I like the title, regardless of whether ADHD is an issue here, because often there IS some underlying reason for what looks like laziness or lack of motivation.
Wishing you luck in finding it. You have done an amazing job since posting in getting right on this, and making all the right moves. I thought what you wrote about supporting him and letting him make choices was perfect. Good luck!
Very similar to my son.
Please pull your son out now and withdraw from classes for medical reasons. My son neglected to tell us he was failing for similar reasons and it was a struggle to get the retroactive withdrawal. A year at home in CC along with some counseling, work on executive function skills and maturation have helped my son. He has now returned to university with our fingers crossed.
I’m a sleep medicine specialist. Your son needs a complete medical examination along with a sleep evaluation. Disorders like narcolepsy often first manifest in males at his age.
So many good posts on this thread!
One of our kids got a LOT out of DBT therapy and the associated DBT skills class this particular practice ran for teens.
Good stuff one can take with, in Life’s Tool Box.