<p>My 21 year old son, who is entering his senior year of college, has just informed some of his friends and his younger sister that he has a boyfriend. How does a parent deal with this? i am not convinced that he is gay. how do I let him know I love him and yet question his new relationship? Is it not possible that this obviously gay young man pursued my son? Is it possible that this is not truly going to be his lifestyle? Also, my 16 year old daughter thinks this is just too cool and has been in touch with the boyfriend. It is killing me that I do not know what this young man is telling her. Please help me. I am falling apart!</p>
<p>Take a deep breath and let it out slowly. Your son is still the man he always was. There is nothing to be falling apart about just because he is gay. If he’s 21 and a senior in college and says he’s gay, you need to take his word for it. If the boyfriend is relatively close by, invite him for lunch or something so you can become acquainted.<br>
What could you imagine that this young man is telling your daughter? Probably nothing other than getting acquainted. Meet him first and see what you think before getting upset. If there is something personal to this guy that you object to, then fine, but don’t close your mind to him just because he’s gay. Good luck!</p>
<p>Tell him you love him and support him. Don’t tell him you question his relationship. At 21 he probably knows better than you whether he is gay. I would suggest you join a support group for parents of gay children. There are lots out there – they will help you “deal” with this, whether “this” is being mom to a gay or bi son. </p>
<p>Good luck to all of you. Let me just end by saying – it’ll be OK.</p>
<p>If your son is not gay, he’ll figure it out. No matter how much someone is pursued by someone of the same sex, it doesn’t make them gay. Maybe he is “bicurious.” If so, let him figure it out. I can’t think of anything harmful the young man could be telling your daughter. My D has had several really close gay male friends since she was in middle school. A couple of them haven’t even completely come out to their parents yet, but all the friends know it and we’re pretty sure the parents know it too. No one makes a big deal out of it.</p>
<p>While none of our children is gay, my DH and I have discussed how we would handle the news, and it was obvious that I would have no issues at all, while he would take it badly if our S was gay. </p>
<p>I would say that a lot of it is to do with upbringing and culture. I had gay friends, male and female, when it was definitely a hidden thing; 2 of my co-workers were gay males when I was just 20 years old, and they were the most warm and wonderful human beings I have ever met.</p>
<p>Don’t fall apart. Think about what the reasons are for your anguish. If you are concerned about how your friends and family will view him, then that is a completely selfish worry, though not unnatural. If however you are worried about the roadblocks in life, and stigma in society, that is more legitimate, though I would say, thankfully diminishing. </p>
<p>Gay people are heading multinational corporations, are successful surgeons, engineers, chefs, designers, comedians, and loads of fun to be around.</p>
<p>You may not be convinced that your son is gay, and perhaps he is not. But he needs to find out on his own, and needs your love and support. I doubt that a gay person pursued your straight son without any signals from your son. They do have a pretty accurate ‘gaydar’. But if your son is not gay, he will find out soon enough. Just be there for him.</p>
<p>j&msmom -</p>
<p>Zoosermom’s advice is spot on. You’ll be fine. There are a lot of things in this situation that you can’t control - the one thing you can control is how you react. Remember, what our gay kids need most is their parents’ unconditional love.</p>
<p>You say that your son has informed “some of his friends and his younger sister,” which implies he hasn’t told you (not directly anyway). Any idea why? Have you given off any signals that you would react badly to him coming out? Said harsh things about gays in his hearing, etc.? If so, you might need to do some repair work here to convince your son that it’s safe to be honest with you about his sexual orientation.</p>
<p>If your son is 21, I think it’s highly unlikely that he has a boyfriend just because the boyfriend pursued him. If a gay man asks out a straight man, the straight man’s typical reaction (if he’s not homophobic) is going to be, “No thanks, dude, I don’t swing that way.” So odds are good your son is gay, bi, or at least uncertain enough to want to test the waters.</p>
<p>Just let him know you love him whatever. If you question the relationship you are effectively saying “I love you but…”</p>
<p>If he is not gay or at least bi then a gay man pursuing him is certainly not going to turn him gay anymore than a heterosexual girl pursuing a gay man is going to turn him straight. So please don’t somehow ‘blame’ this young man and please please, for the sake of your relationship with your son, don’t imply something like that to your son.</p>
<p>As zoosermom said - he is still the same young man he always was.</p>
<p>My daughter had several male gay friends in HS. When the one who was most afraid to tell his parents finally did tell them they reacted so wonderfully and supportively that it actually brought tears to my eyes. A couple of the others had much less positive reactions such as sending them to psychiatrists and one’s dad even said he would rather be dead than have a gay son. Guess which boy has a good relationship with his parents now.</p>
<p>J&M: He told his friends & his sis, but not you?</p>
<p>I’d be upset, too. It seems as if he’s coming out in a very round about way. I would call him immediately, but not to “question his relationship.” I’d want to talk about why you are the last to know. There is some kind of barrier he is sensing that you two must eliminate. Of course your love for him hasn’t changed. Let him know that. But it’s perfectly normal to be stunned & he should know you need some time to process this news. I’d want to have him come for dinner & talk things through.</p>
<p>look into PFLAG- a support network for family and friends</p>
<p>I guess the biggest question is: OP, how do you or would you feel about your son being gay?</p>
<p>btw it is not uncommon for the parents to be the last to know. The friends my daughter had in HS came out to her and their other close HS friends long before they told their parents. I and some other parents also knew long before they told their parents but felt it was their choice when to tell them.</p>
<p>There is some kind of barrier he is sensing that you two must eliminate.</p>
<p>* Some* kind of barrier?</p>
<p>Apparently her son didn’t feel comfortable telling his mother he is dating a man. Since the first thoughts seem to be have been along the lines of- not really gay- other man pushed himself onto him-wanting explanation of why he thinks he is gay- when really- as an adult- is it really something you want to discuss with your parents when their first thought is to think you don’t know what you feel? When they are a senior in college is a little late to tell them about the birds & the bees.</p>
<p>I would have a talk with the 16 yr old however. Sexual orientation is not " cool or uncool", it just is.
It is good that he has some people he felt safe to confide in- and just because the boyfriend has been talking to the daughter I wouldn’t think he is sketchy, but I assume you have already had some guidelines regarding kids in high school and friend ships with adults that you don’t know.
It might be time to revisit that discussion.</p>
<p>Emerald, I like your post. Best to take all of this as life as usual. As it is. Some rules stay the same despite changes in reference points. As others have noted, he is still the same young man.</p>
<p>Yes, Emerald, some kind of barrier. It could be religious beliefs that are not open toward gays. It could be a general lack of communication. It could be any number of things. </p>
<p>The OP doesn’t indicate she had suspicions about her son being gay. That seems to me the reason that she is wondering if it’s “truly going to be his lifestyle.” The son has not shared this news with her, so she is really in the dark. We don’t know how close their relationship has been. She doesn’t indicate if they were communicating well throughout his teen years or not. So it’s not surprising that she questions his real feelings. They seem to have come out of left field from the mom;s perspective.</p>
<p>I just read an interview with Cheyenne Jackson, an openly gay actor, who knew he was “different” from the time he was seven. Maybe this kid didn’t have such definite personal awareness (or acceptance) of his own sexuality from a young age.</p>
<p>Emerald, I like your post.</p>
<p>Thank you, however of course I have an advantage in that I have already been through this. 
I found out my daughter was gay/bisexual when she was in high school. She didn’t come out and tell me, but I asked after I noticed she had been checking out a * lot* of historical type books regarding LBGTs ( might as well start to learn the lingo- Lesbian/Bisexual/Gay/Transgender ).</p>
<p>I was befuddled, but as she obviously was the same person, who was the kind of sweet caring happy girl that everyone loved, what was I gonna do?</p>
<p>It wasn’t something that showed an ethical lapse in judgement, it was something that had been part of her, that I didn’t know about, & now I did.</p>
<p>She had always had overnights with friends, both male and female- she came out to friends at school as a junior and came out to me & her dad as a senior- I wasn’t going to all of a sudden say- No! you can’t have overnights.</p>
<p>But she was never an outwardly sexual being like some teens are in high school, so I always just figured she liked her ponies best.</p>
<p>My husband incidentally wasn’t as surprised as I was, even though as a sahm, I had way more one on one time with her- but apparently she had made a comment to him when she was 4 or 5, that he just filed away, but now in context in made sense.</p>
<p>We don’t really talk about her romantic life today, although I did just visit her and ask if she was dating anyone.( she lives with some college friends where she went to college) She has lots of friends all over the spectrum and although she does bring up one of her former roommates who is both transgender * and * lesbian ( I am still wrapping my head around that one)- we are done discussing the transgendery issue. I don’t even like it when my book group discusses sexual topics and I am not a prude.
TMI.</p>
<p>You might poke around on here [PFLAG:</a> Parents, Families, & Friends of Lesbians and Gays](<a href=“http://community.pflag.org/NETCOMMUNITY/Page.aspx?pid=194&srcid=-2]PFLAG:”>http://community.pflag.org/NETCOMMUNITY/Page.aspx?pid=194&srcid=-2) to see if it could answer some of your questions before bombarding your son for an explanation.</p>
<p>( oh- but don’t do what I did- In trying to show my support for my D, I bought a rainbow sticker for my car- however the one I bought had black bars between the colors & I was too " cool" to ask what they meant. My daughter told me they meant " leather" :o )</p>
<p>If it were my child and they just didn’t seem gay to me, I’d be supportive but in a rather casual way (i.e. not treat it as earthshatterin news, etc.) If your son is just exploring, you don’t want to go overboard and embrace the boyfriend so much that your son feels like he has to stay with him. My husband’s college roommate came out sophomore year. He dated guys for a few years, but has been happily married to a terrific woman for about 16 years now.</p>
<p>Though I agree with your advice not to overreact and become president of your local PFLAG chapter overnight, what do you mean by “didn’t seem gay to me”? </p>
<p>OP, how would you feel about saying to your son, “I have heard through the grapevine that you have a boyfriend. While I’ll be honest and say it’s a shock to me and I’ll need a little time to process this, I want you to know that I love you and I want you to be happy. If and when you are ready to introduce me to him, I would be happy to meet him.” Would that work for you?</p>
<p>Just joined. Only one post ever. Why do we fall for this every time?</p>
<p>EDITED: And now the kid who started this thread will post “I am SO a real person! You are a meanyhead!”</p>
<p>Not so fast.
Its quite likely an existing member who has been posting for a while, but does not want to reveal herself or compromise her son.</p>