<p>I’m Catholic and admit that I’d be really upset if one of my kids were gay…but (s)he would still be my kid. </p>
<p>When I went to my kid’s college graduation a few years ago, my kid told me not to say anything about the sexual orientation of a friend. Because of one incident, I knew he was gay. His parents did not. He sent out an email to everyone in his dorm and other friends asking them to please refrain from saying anything that would let his parents know his sexual orientation during graduation weekend. Believe it or not, that caused two other gays in the same dorm to send out emails saying the same thing. I didn’t know those kids and my kid felt no need to warn me–just told me that had happened. But because I did know the first, my kid was just worried that I’d say something in the course of casual conversation that his parents might overhear. </p>
<p>As upset as I know I’d be–no lectures please, I’m just being honest–I think I’d be more upset if my own child felt the need to hide something (s)he was so open about with everyone else from me. (The first young man came out to his mom graduation weekend. She told him she had suspected so for some time, but also told him not to tell his dad because shen she had tried to raise the possibility, his dad had said if he found out his son was ___, he wouldn’t pay his law school tuition. She told him to wait three years. SAD. )</p>
<p>So, while I understand the OP’s reaction, I think the best thing to do is to just say something like “I love you son and I always will, no matter what.” He’ll know what his mom is talking about. Let him take the lead for where you go from there.</p>
<p>I guess I’m an anachronism but my kid knows he is loved unconditionally. Whether he has a boyfriend or girlfriend, is thin or fat, obeys the law or becomes a felon, he’s my kid and I love him.</p>
<p>I want to say that even though I assume that we love our kids regardless , we have on CC discussed how hard it is to let go of preconceived ideas, even regarding our child’s choice of a different college than our alma mater or one that we would have liked to have attended. </p>
<p>While whether or not my daughter marries and has kids, I will still love her, but having a same sex partner is still different than my own experience and in some parts of the world and some parts of this country, not tolerated.</p>
<p>There is still much fear and anger regarding GLBT . Federal law still permits discrimination in housing and employment, even if some states are more supportive. I don’t think anyone would * wish* our child to be different, so naturally there is a grieving process for our idea of how their life would be.</p>
<p>I would like to think I would be able to handle it well because I would never stop loving my kids no matter what, and I would not want them to feel I didn’t love them any more. But I do question on I would act under pressure, so my hat off to emeraldkity4 for doing such a good job.</p>
<p>Our kids are entering that time in their lives where they will experiment and make lifestyle decisions that may not mesh with ours. It is a balancing act as old as time as to when to stand firm, when to look the other way, when to not care, when to support, when to hit the campaign trail. I know that at my college reunion, some of the gay/bi folks were now old traditionally married/divorced/dating folks. There are also some very much entrenched in same sex relationships that were surprises, including one guy who used to be a flamboyant womanizer. I certainly could not predict most of those results, and who knows what’s still in the closet or yet to be. It’s not even an area that I want to contemplate. Private business that does not change my relationship with the person unless he happens to be my husband. I just won’t get into that one. </p>
<p>There was a thread on kids sharing bedrooms during home visits. It gets difficult when there is an intimate relationship involved. Some people just have poor judgment and bad manners and I don’t want to be uncomfortable in my own house, so I’ve become the prude in this area. Having younger kids and having had a brother who had many live in girlfriends has colored this whole thing. The way it works now, is that give the guests the guestroom regardless of sex.</p>
<p>It’s a little sad that in 2008 the news that someone sits somewhere in the LGBTwhatever alphabet soup can still provoke such reactions from people…</p>
<p>OP, as someone who is in a position similiar to that of your son with parents who are equally unsuspecting, I can tell you that this is not something you can wish away. He has probably been fighting this for years to maintain the respect of his family and his peers. It is an unfortunate case of genetics that I personally would give up anything to change. My guess is he recently realized that living a lie is stupid as he would never get these years back. Can you remember your first love? What if everyone had expected you to a date and later marry a girl?</p>
<p>I’m sure he is a smart kid. If there was any chance at all that this isn’t who he is, there is no way in hell he would be putting himself through this. </p>
<p>Please be 100% supportive on the outside. Unlike most parents, you have time to prepare. Otherwise you will be making it that much harder for him. He already will have the rest of the world against him.</p>
<p>“What business is this of your daughter’s? It would seem a good situation for her to steer clear of, with your strong guidance IMHO.”</p>
<p>The sister knows about the boyfriend because her brother told her. Her being in touch with her brother’s boyfriend is no different than are the many instances in which girlfriends establish friendly relationships with their boyfriends’ sisters. </p>
<p>“If it were my child and they just didn’t seem gay to me, I’d be supportive but in a rather casual way (i.e. not treat it as earthshatterin news, etc.) If your son is just exploring, you don’t want to go overboard and embrace the boyfriend so much that your son feels like he has to stay with him.”</p>
<p>Regardless of their sexual orientation, most college romantic relationships are explorations and will not last permanently. Consequently, I think it’s a good idea for all parents to be casually supportive to their teen and college age offspring’s romantic relationships, but not to become so involved that their kid feels pressured into a permanent relationship that s/he may not be ready for. </p>
<p>As for some posters’ ideas that one can tell if one’s offspring is gay, that’s not true. While there are some gay men and women whose behavior and dress are stereotypically gay, there also are plenty whose behavior and dress are similar to that of heterosexuals. There also are people who are attracted to males and females and who also may not “look” or “act” gay.</p>
I cannot advise and was just reading this thread out of interest since I know someone who is over 21 and has never come out to his parents. However, this struck me as a totally bizarre thought. If your kids tells you they don’t want children, will you disown them? What if they can’t have their own biological children? Force them to adopt? Just curious. To me this is a very strange reaction.</p>
<p>My parents were very accepting of my brother when he ‘came out’. they were (and still are) ashamed of me because I had a child out of wedlock (raised him all by myself, no help from his dad or my parents).</p>
<p>Gay men make Awesome uncles and my brother has been the most important male figure in my son’s fatherless life.</p>
<p>A few months ago I heard a guy being interviewed about his book on NPR (don’t remember his name.) He was raised by a very flamboyant, self-centered single mom. When, as a young man, the author came out to his mother, she said, “Of course you are. What other type of son does a woman like me have?”</p>
<p>hmmm. He’s wrong, though. Sexual orientation is not a matter of choice or upbringing.</p>
<p>True. After my father died when my brother was a very young teen, my mother refused to discipline him, because in her mind- if she did, he would become homosexual.
Even if that were true,( which it is not) I would rather have a gay son, than one who is an ass and expects to get away with anything. :p</p>
I find your question quite strange, as well. I said I would be “less fine.” I didn’t say that I would disown anyone or that I would DO anything. I would be sad. I would be entitled to be sad. I would not be entitled to act upon that. I think you created a scenario that wasn’t present in my post. If my children were unable to have children of their own, I’d hope that they would adopt.</p>
<p>I too had the impression by saying " less fine", that it implied you would be discussing that choice with your child, perhaps because the OP was going to discuss what she feels to be his choice of sexual attraction with her son.</p>
<p>I think sometimes our hopes for our children say more about us, than it does about them.
Neither of my kids want to have children, but they have already made room for children in their lives- being a parent is not the only option.</p>
<p>That’s quite wonderful. For myself and my life, I hope for grandchildren. My kids do know that and tease me about it. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with that as long as no pressure is applied. On a personal level, I think parenting is the best option, which is why I chose it for myself.</p>