<p>I haven’t posted in a while. I have been frustrated with S all year. He has pretty good stats and is ranked #1 in his class. Still waiting for decisions. S has been taking an on-line AP Course and has basically done nothing. We got a letter from the university the course is offered through explaining lack of progress. S told us he would catch up. He has reported to us that the majority of the class is now complete. I just checked his course summary page and found nothing has been done since the letter was sent. He has this course listed on his college applications. I guess he will get an F (too late to catch up now). </p>
<p>We have tried to ask him what is up with all the procrastination, we have looked into drugs/alcohol, we have asked him if he wants to stay home, etc… We are at the end of our rope. His GC is also at the end of his rope. S is able to maintain his HS grades but EVERYTHING is at the last minute and of a much lower quality than normal. I know he is under a lot of stress due to a very difficult load (also has 3 college classes) and we have assured him he doesn’t need to work this hard nor be valedictorian. He is also a varsity athlete on a state championship team.</p>
<p>Is it time to get professional help? Where do we start? What if anything should he tell the colleges? I am sure they would rescind any admissions offers with him earning an F (the course is extra, however, not required for admission). Has he just thrown 18 years of hard work down the drain?</p>
<p>As a side note: S has been taking Accutane and we have been on the look out for depression (S says he feels fine) as it is a common side effect. He has been extremely irritable (not sure if this is just a teen thing) and does seem to be a little withdrawn from social activities. Depression runs in the family–could this be an explanation?</p>
<p>To be honest, it sounds like your son is doing topnotch in absolutely everything except one online course. He’s top of his HS class, taking 3 college courses, varsity athlete, etc. He sounds like superman to me.</p>
<p>Or superman in danger of burning out. He’s probably been going full steam for all four high school years (or longer), and now he’s got an incredible workload. </p>
<p>Question #1 - you called it an online AP course, but you also say it’s through a college and he’s actually enrolled in it as a college course. So is it a college course he’s taking to prepare for taking an AP test in the spring?</p>
<p>Question #2 - Can he withdraw from the class? A “W” is not going to kill his college apps. he can simply write to let colleges know that he realized the extra course didn’t fit into his schedule on top of a full high school load and 3 other college courses. </p>
<p>Question #3 - is his sport over for the year or just beginning? </p>
<p>I think he needs someone to tell him he’s got too much on his plate and that smart successful people realize when that’s the case and figure out what they can drop. I’d make the first priority telling him it’s not a failure to reduce his course load. Then help him figure out what stays and what goes. </p>
<p>I’d also tell him you aren’t disappointed that he couldn’t do it all - it sounds like it was an unreasonable schedule. But I’d also tell him (after the dust has settle from figuring out what he needs to eliminate) that going into denial was a mistake and one that will bite him again in life if he doesn’t figure that out. Let him know that ignoring problems never fixes them, and that lying to people about problems only makes them worse. And try to say that part in a loving, firm, I’m-on-your-side, but no nonsense way.</p>
<p>And PS - it’s really easy to ignore an online course. He isn’t the first to do it.</p>
<p>We have tried this approach. He seems unwilling to cut anything. The AP class is indeed AP, but it is not offered through his HS (it is beyond any courses they have). The course is offered through EPGY at Stanford. The grade will not show up on his transcript but like I said, he did apply to colleges with this course listed. He doesn’t really have a full HS load as he has taken pretty much everything they offer. He is taking the college courses because they are the logical next step for him.</p>
<p>I agree it is too much–it has caught us by surprise as he has always seemed to know his capabilities. I think it has a lot to do with class rank and his desire to be #1 (I wish they didn’t have class rank!). We have never had to monitor his progress before as he has always been so self motivated and conscientious. </p>
<p>I will talk with him about denial–should be a good conversation and a life lesson–thanks for pointing that out.</p>
<p>You can correct me if I’m wrong but can’t you just keep taking courses forever with EPGY - you just pay to keep going? Do they actually issue a grade or do you just have to keep progressing until all of the material is covered?</p>
<p>BCEagle–not sure exactly how it works. I do know he can continue with the course if we pay for another quarter. We were VERY EXPLICIT with S that this was not in our budget and that he must finish in the allotted time (he begged us to sign him up for the course in the first place and it was a financial burden). I know many of you are probably thinking what will we do when we have to pay for college, but that is another story.</p>
<p>I would be OK with forking over another $450 if I thought S was honestly trying (I know he has accomplished a lot, but he chose this schedule against our advise and we have offered to help him get organized and come up with a schedule but he has denied needing any help). I am just so disappointed in the lying and am thinking there is a much bigger problem here.</p>
<p>This is just not like him. Are we overreacting? Do we back off and let him deal with his own mess?</p>
<p>Pea–accutane is an acne medication. It is very powerful and can have very bad side effects. S has to have blood tests every month to make sure he is not damaging his liver. He also has to see his Dr. every month and go through a lecture about eating low fat while on the medication and the the risk of depression. There is even a website he must log into every month that also goes through a checklist with him about depression. </p>
<p>The treatment takes 6 months (he is on month 5) and pretty much permanently clears your skin. He is VERY happy with the results as his skin completely clear right now.</p>
<p>bovertine–I called him on his cell. He told me he had done the tests on paper and had just not submitted them yet. It was a lie. I called him on it. He is on his way home. </p>
<p>I’m not sure what to say, I am SO disappointed in him. Again, not because of the grade but the lying.</p>
<p>With all due respect, with what you’ve written, I actually think your son is healthy and normal, but the parents have a problem Absolutely back off and leave him alone already. </p>
<p>What I read is a kid who is at the very top of his class, taking a heavy courseload, including 3 college classes and an online class, and is a state level varsity athlete and still maintaining his grades and he will have 10 APs and 3 college courses upon graduation and a fantastic GPA…and you are freaked out because he works at the last minute and isn’t motivated to finish this online course and well, after all of your hypervigilance is not being honest about this one course? In senior year? </p>
<p>Can I ask if perfectionism runs in your family? Or what kind of anxiety you live with? What exactly is your greatest fear here about your son? I mean this very sincerely and not intended as an insult, but it sounds like you could use family counselling. Your son is doing fantastically. All your anxiety is because <em>he’s not doing perfectly</em>. His response is actually healthy and normal, and if nothing more, he is showing signs of actual independence. If he is comfortable doing things at the last minute and is, as you say, still maintaining his grades, what is the problem? Kudos for him figuring out how to work best FOR HIM since he will have to do that in college. And while the online course might be a glitch, if he isn’t freaking out about this online course, thank your lucky stars he is not suffering from perfectionism or trying to please other people as much as you would like him to. It is that kind of mindset that leads to depression and suicide among young people.</p>
<p>Your S may be saying he doesn’t want to drop the course because he may feel he’s disappointing you. A friend’s S was doing poorly in an high level math class that he really didn’t need and he had the choice to withdraw and take another class or stick with it and take a low grade. At first, when his mom ask him if he wanted out, he said no but when it came to the deadline to withdraw, he decided to make the change.</p>
<p>I actually don’t think you are overreacting especially since your guidance counselor is also very frustrated but unless you can get your son to tell you what is going on it’s hard to get a handle on the problem.</p>
<p>From what I am reading he sounds like a overachiever who is buckling under the pressure. I know that you don’t have any expectation that he be so stellar, overachievers put the burden on themselves and it’s hard for them to learn how to not be so hard on themselves.</p>
<p>But I’m just speculating. Approach him with what you now know about the online course. Try to get him to tell you what is going on.</p>
<p>Deal with your disappointment later.
Listen to your son.
Then listen another hour.
Your son is in crisis and his state of mind and attitude must be explored before a course of action can be formulated.
This is not the end of the world, just a correction.
He will be harder on himself than you can be. No punishment.
No punishment because he is an adult who chose to not complete a course.
He lied to you because you wanted him to take this course and had to pay money.
He’s been the perfect son up to this point.</p>
<p>Its second semester of his senior year. Did you think your S is immune to SENIORITIS? I think he’s in the last few miles of a marathon and wants to walk some of the way. Apologize for expecting too much and ask him how you can help him navigate through the online course issue: have they not updated his work or can he drop, etc?</p>
<p>This…
"not sure exactly how it works. I do know he can continue with the course if we pay for another quarter. We were VERY EXPLICIT with S that this was not in our budget and that he must finish in the allotted time (he begged us to sign him up for the course in the first place and it was a financial burden…</p>
<p>…I would be OK with forking over another $450 if I thought S was honestly trying (I know he has accomplished a lot, but he chose this schedule against our advise and we have offered to help him get organized and come up with a schedule but he has denied needing any help)…</p>
<p>This is just not like him. Are we overreacting? Do we back off and let him deal with his own mess? "</p>
<p>Starbright–I have given what you have said a lot of thought (for many months now). And yes, perfectionism does run in the family (OCD maybe). Our other children are not like this one. As far as us pushing him–trust me, no one could make a child work this hard! It doesn’t matter what he does, it is always done with a lot of intensity. His coaches always comment on how he works twice as hard as any other athlete on the team. He also took 3 college classes last year (but on top of a full HS schedule) and aced every one. He has always been rewarded for this personality quirk (great grades, great athlete, etc). I know the dangers of it.</p>
<p>I know people think we are super hovering parents–this has absolutely never been the case. We have never needed to. Now we are feeling guilty as others have said we neglected to guide him in choosing an easier schedule. ??? I guess he could take culinary arts, ROTC and acting (trust me, he would go crazy).</p>
<p>He was tested in the 3rd grade for GATE. They said they didn’t know his IQ because he got every question correct (I believe they used the Raven). They recommended he get further testing–we didn’t, because we didn’t care. The funny thing was he couldn’t read! So a learning disability on top of a really high IQ. He has managed to get around it.</p>
<p>I can understand that S may feel guilty about the $$ down the drain. I will try to make that a non issue. And I do know how much an on-line course sucks and that you have to be super motivated and independent to get it done. I also know the DH and I could have never accomplished what this kid has accomplished (and it makes me tired just thinking about it).</p>
<p>His “Midas Touch” has turned out to be a negative for the family (even his siblings find him intense). Thanks for the advice everyone, I am seriously reading it all and giving it a lot of thought.</p>
<p>My first priority would be your S’s mental health. He can drop the class if necessary. He can explain to colleges if necessary. Better that your S learns to <em>deal</em> with his problems while he’s still at home and not next year in college. Talk to the doctor about the Accutane; the risks of depression are real.</p>
<p>He needs to learn that he doesn’t need to be perfect, that he <em>can</em> drop a class or make arrangements if necessary, and that people will not condemn him for doing so. Even brilliant kids hit a wall; as I told my kids, the challenge is to have the right equipment to know how to scale that wall when you come to it. Second semester senior year is a time of many emotions, as these kids prepare to launch into college. They’ve worked so hard to get there, but the transition can be scary as hell. Listen to him. Why did he feel he couldn’t tell you the truth? You may be faced with some tough commentary on your parenting. Don’t be defensive; listen. The lying is a symptom of a deeper issue. Find it. With a counselor if necessary.</p>
<p>I had a senior last year that was stressed to the point of migraines and anxiety. This was not how any of us had hoped his senior year would unfold. He learned a lot about himself and stress management that semester (and summer) and went off to college with the tools to cope. Second semester senior he dropped a course, decided not to take an additional AP as self-study, worked with teachers on extensions, and focused on making healthy decisions based on an honest assessment of what he was capable of accomplishing. He also learned to stand up to us and say that these were choices HE needed to make, and asked to respect his maturity and to trust our parenting as he went about finding solutions. </p>
<p>Boy, it was hard to sit back and let him take the reins. But it was absolutely necessary. It was a huge growth experience for him (and us).</p>
<p>Oh yeah, and he got into the colleges he wanted.</p>
<p>OP – $450 is nothing compared to a semester’s worth of college tuition if he crashes and burns in college.</p>
<p>As the parent of a kid with a high IQ and LD, I can tell you that the kid may be able to work around it and do brilliantly, but it comes at a high price. These kids spend a lot of mental energy focusing and struggling to do things that come automatically to most other kids. They see the dichotomy between their intelligence and their challenges, and it can be very frustrating. They can feel like a fraud, because if they were REALLY smart, it wouldn’t take five hours to read a chapter/write a one-page essay/draw & color make a poster for a Biology assignment which he understands better than the teacher. </p>
<p>Teach him to be kind to himself. It is a priceless gift.</p>
Absolutely back off and leave him alone already. </p>