<p>I’m kind of astounded that an engineering student hasn’t worked a single summer, but like everyone else I highly recommend at least some sort of part time job now (not necessarily even in engineering) to show that he’s not a total flake. He should head to the career office at his college and get advice about how to put together a resume, do some practice interviews, learn how to dress and find out what scheduled job fairs there might be. I know my older son’s college had a big engineering fair sometime in October and another one in February or so. I don’t think you need to put your kid out on the street right away, but he needs to be doing something productive while he’s with you every day. And don’t make it too comfortable. No clothes beyond interview clothes, no dinners out, no fun money. </p>
<p>" He’s not going to become independent once he graduates if his job starts after graduation."
-my S. has not asked for a single penny after graduation and he did not get anything form us. He just started working. I do not rmember if he had anything or not, but he was always working.
Will see what happens with D. in May of next year. Would be nice if she does not need to move, but it will not be under her control.</p>
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<p>I think the problem is more your anxiety. You anxiously anticipating a problem that isn’t even a problem yet. </p>
<p>He’s a grown man. Stay out of it. The “problem” is most likely to be overcome by events. </p>
<p>If it becomes a real problem, you deal with it then. </p>
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<p>Ok…It now appears that you were here for college, or at least your PhD. If you both just moved to the US (permanently) 5 years ago, then it makes more sense. I was just trying to clarify the dynamics. It was appearing like he had been raised by someone else, then he came to live with you 5 years ago, and then maybe some over-indulging went on.</p>
<p>Anyway, you already know that your son is spoiled, so now it’s (long) time for some tough love …otherwise you’ll be supporting him forever. As long as you are CERTAIN that there are no anxiety/depression/ADHD issues contributing, then some ultimatums with cutbacks NOW, need to take place. (If there are some anxiety/depression/ADHD issues, then those need to get addressed. (I have a BIL who is 61 years old, with a PhD in physics, that has never worked…never got his anxiety issues addressed.)</p>
<p>Frankly, no matter what, I think some therapy would be good. He needs a 3rd party person evaluating the situation and working with him on short-term and long-term goals. His mom/parents may be too close to the situation.</p>
<p>The kid is a MechE major. He should have long had some internships or co-ops or something. HE JUST KNEW he didn’t need to do those things because mom/parents are safety-nets. If he has ADHD, then he may have serious issues in regards to “thinking ahead”, or thinking beyond the here and now. </p>
<p>Any stats about Boomerang kids, etc, really shouldn’t be applied to kids with degrees like MechE that are in demand. He’s not graduating with a degree in Basket-weaving. </p>
<p>If this were my kid, I would:</p>
<p>Get him into therapy. He may resist, but you hold the purse-strings so you have some power, use it. </p>
<p>Cut off “spending money”. That includes gas for non-school activities, etc. </p>
<p>Send him the career center at his college to work on his resume and find a job.</p>
<p>Seems weird to me that a senior in college has no resume… Are you sure he really doesn’t have a resume? </p>
<p>If so, he needs to get one set up immediately and just keep going through it until it’s good.</p>
<p>This is sort of the first step. If he doesn’t have a resume he can’t apply for jobs. </p>
<p>my suggestion is explain to this young person that the point of college was to give him the opportunity for a good career and to become a self supporting adult. It was not so you could support a college grad. In fact, had you wanted to support him at that age, it would have been cheaper to support him without the costs of college.
Tell this kid he’ll have a month or 2 after graduation if necessary, but then he will be expected to get his own home and become a self supporting adult. Thumper is SO right, give a time limit and explain it might be A job not THE job. Hey, there are people 40 or 50 that don’t consider themselves in THE job.
And let him know now, in advance, so he knows well before graduation what will be expected.</p>
<p>So what do they do with him when that 2 months is up and he doesn’t have a job? Where will he live and how? “this kid” is a son that they love. Kicking a person out with no means of employment is fairly harsh, when it is your child and hasn’t done anything wrong or illegal, etc. up to that point.</p>
<p>If the son is actively marketing himself by applying for jobs that’s one thing and the OP probably should just make a requirement of some amount of time each day for that. If, however, the S is just coasting the gravy train has to come to a stop before he deboards.</p>
<p>This may not apply to the OP, but in case it does - or perhaps more directed to parents who may be reading this thread…you need to evaluate your hand holding - be it by 100% financing school, or not encouraging/requiring summer or school year employment or whatever - when kids are in their teens. You can decide if that should be at age 15 or age 19 but the process of being responsible for livelihood does not happen overnight. At age 21+ it does not happen because “we” (parents) demand it. </p>
<p>Look at where you are now. Prepare for the future whether you are a parent of a senior in high school or like OP, a parent of a senior in college who has skated through school and life on your credit card. SIT down and have face to face conversations about expectations - or maybe not even expectations but LIMITATIONS as to what you are willing to do or can do for them. And then follow through. It’s showing respect for yourself, your family and your student. </p>
<p>OP, let S know that at Thanksgiving (or whenever he is home next) there will be a family meeting to talk about transition from student to graduate. Make it positive. Cause it is! Graduating and moving forward is a wonderful thing for most young adults! At that meeting, have in writing in front of you what your role is going to be over the next 9 months or so (paying the last tuition bill, etc.). But first, put S in the driver’s seat - ask him what he is currently doing to prepare for graduation in May - see if he is clueless or if he actually has a plan in mind. If he doesn’t talk through “steps” - if he’s willing to chat about it. If not, then at least clearly state your role as mentioned above and make sure he is clear on it. And then, follow through. </p>
<p>If this were my kid, I can imagine what he’d be thinking, “Relax! I’ve got plenty of time.” Which is kind of my S’s response to everything. In his mind seven months is an eternity! My kid would definitely not see the urgency that some posters seem to feel. </p>
<p>I hate to say it, but I don’t think my D started looking for a job until about March of her senior year. That is why she didn’t have a job until 2 days after graduation. And I know she was lucky. We had paid the deposit on the apartment that she was going to share with friends, and I know she had some savings from previous employment and a decent car. So, we just assumed that she was going to find some sort of job and (more or less) support herself. As I’ve said in other threads, I’m kind of a laid back parent. 
But, eh, it did all work out in the end. Oh, and she graduated with two degrees in Musical Theater and History. So, I think an engineering grad will have an easier time of it!</p>
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<p>2 months is plenty of time to find a full time minimum wage job that pays enough to cover rent and food. I think some people need that kind of harshness to get it together and gain some independence</p>
<p>My S had good grades and worked every summer save one since he was 16. He did one informal internship the summer before graduation. He too seemed unmotivated to search for a job during his senior year - delayed getting his resume together, missed the career fairs, etc. I don’t think he was emotionally ready for “real life.” I allowed him to return home after graduation provided that he get a part-time job (he worked for a moving company) to cover his spending money, gas and incidentals, show me each week what he’d done on the job search, and do chores around the house. It took a few months, but he found a job. I let him live at home for a few more months after he found a job (started charging him reasonable rent after the 2nd month of employment). He had a firm date by which he had to move out. </p>
<p>I think the key is to set clear expectations and consequences, and stand firm. I know this is easier said than done. My S knows I’m a softie so it took some effort on my part to make him believe that I meant what I said with respect to his move out date. I wouldn’t have kicked him to curb had he not found a job. </p>
<p>In hindsight, I’m really glad I let S live at home a few months after he started his real job. He was able to put a substantial down payment on a nice used car and saved about 10k in an emergency fund. So many kids start their life saddled with debt, or struggle to dig themselves out of hole from expenses like car repairs. Starting out with a degree, no debt and some money in the bank has made a world of difference for my S. </p>
<p>I don’t think there’s anything wrong with helping your kids as long as they’re doing their part too. OP needs to require some accountability from her S in exchange for her help. </p>
<p>I find it odd that this kid is 26 and never found a part time whether he needs the money or not. These skills are building slowly. Mine does not like it when she doesn’t have a job at 18. She had to take a job, any job. All of my nephews expressed the same sentiment that the can’t earn a bit of money even if the parents told them to focus on academics.</p>
<p>I don’t think it’s the end of the world to put up a kid for a while IF they are being productive. My slackerish kid graduated with no job offers, but did have a summer job at the university he attended. He’s being doing it three summers in a row and got promoted up a level each summer and he learned some useful skills (both on the computer and managing people skills). At the end of the summer he still had nothing and I was sure we were going to be giving him the lecture, but somehow he found out about a great internship that he’d missed a deadline for, or thought he didn’t want because it was unpaid or something, and he heard they were still looking. A week later (maybe two) he had something to do for the next three months. He says in his line of work, he’s having trouble finding job listings that don’t want you to start right away, so he’s (again!) not looking very hard for what he’ll do in January. He’ll probably continue to live with us until he makes enough to pay rent, or if he gets a job outside the NYC area. I actually like having him around, though we do need to negotiate more of what he should be doing around the house. (He’s helpful if asked, but with the house under construction, I don’t even know what I want him to do!)</p>
<p>I haven’t been in your situation yet, OP, so this is all theoretical, but this is what I think I would do:</p>
<p>I would keep repeating that I expect S to be on his own once he graduates. I would suggest to him strongly that he get some sort of job or internship now. Heck, a little part-time coffee shop job would be fine. He can start wrapping his mind around having a job. I would also make some concrete suggestions to him about meeting with a career counselor at his school and getting a resume put together. If there is some book out there everyone buys to help get a job, I’d buy it. I would take S shopping for interview/work clothes. </p>
<p>Where do young engineers look for jobs? Online somewhere? On campus? Find out and make sure he knows, too. FWIW way back in the Dark Ages my mom found my brother’s first position as a ChemE in the want ads of our local paper. She handed him the paper and said “call this number.” He had never worked either, not even in the summer. He had super grades, he was clueless about what to do.</p>
<p>And if your S doesn’t find a job? Well, I wouldn’t kick him out, not really. But I would expect him to find SOME kind of job and to be gainfully employed and occupied while he was at home searching for a just right engineering job. </p>
<p>Good luck.</p>
<p>If he’s only been in this country for a few years, he may not know what to do next. Has he been to the school’s career center? They have people there to help with resume, interview techniques and looking for jobs. He should ask about whether recruiters will be on campus - many engineering positions are filled at college job fairs. </p>
<p>Also, keep in mind that for students (even 25 year olds) summer may seem a long way away; he’s probably more focused on current mid-terms and finals in 5-7 weeks. That senior year, when you’re trying to complete all the graduation requirements, can be very busy, and summer seems like an eternity away. </p>
<p>All seniors should be going to the Career Center and starting to interview. They can help him with his resume and whatnot.</p>
<p>Agree with @bopper.</p>
<p>But seriously, what was he doing in all of the summers since he started junior college? Was he doing anything in particular, or watching TV? Was there any volunteer work or something that could build a resume without actual paid job experience?</p>
<p>Maybe you can find a cultural organization to help him. But I also agree that other than nudging him into Career Services at his college, maybe he needs to find his own way.</p>
<p>(talk about how you are making a new guest room, that is, his room into a guest room, maybe he will tell you what is going on then)</p>
<p>(And most people should realize, and you should know, that kids live with their parents until married in many cultures including many Asian families. BUT, if he lives with you he has to get a job. I would say give him a year, BUT after two months help him to find a job.)</p>
<p>(and does he want to be a mechanical engineer?)</p>
<p>(but I would not worry about age 26, that is not the point - the point is that he is soon to be a graduate with a bachelor’s degree - I would not treat him different than a 21 year old in this case)</p>
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<p>I would suggest NOT kicking him out, but have a schedule of downgrades of benefits given to him NOW…</p>
<p>For instance…</p>
<p>As of now, no more spending money. You need to fund your own pocket money.</p>
<p>If you don’t have a part-time job (8-12 hours a week) by January 2015, then some other limitation kicks in (maybe gasoline limits for his car)</p>
<p>If you don’t have a job (any full time or near-full time job) by Sept 2015 (or whenever**), then you lose your car/gas except to go to interviews. </p>
<p>If you don’t have a job by October 2015, I’ll take your cell phone and its only use will be to receive phone calls from prospective employers.</p>
<p>I wouldn’t kick him out, but I’d make it so unpleasant for him to become a couch potato that he’ll WANT to get a job to have the Creature Comforts that he’s used to enjoying.</p>
<p>*** I would not use the word “graduate” because if you say something like, “within 3 months of graduation,” he’ll just not graduate. He’s not like other kids who know they have to graduate on time or else. </p>
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<p>Right…because he may have some mental health issue (anxiety? ADHD? Executive Function (EFD) issues? who knows!), and getting a job, any job, may expose an issue that can then be dealt with. Or, if he’s just spoiled, then let the un-spoiling commence!!</p>
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<p>This response isn’t in regards to your son, but sometimes when people have a “got plenty of time so put it out of my mind” attitude, there’s something deeper going on. There are people who unless some deadline is smack in front of their face, they will blow it off as long as they can…and some will still miss (or forget) the deadline.</p>