<p>I don’t think Chinese college students are expected to work while they are in school. I haven’t read all of OP’s posts…but I gathered that OP came to US without the son, he may have been raised by his grandparents or relatives. This type of arrangement is quite common with many Chinese immigrants. OP may feel guilty about leaving the son behind and hence spoiled him when he finally came to the US. The son may had difficulty with English in the beginning, so he may have been focusing on his English rather than doing internships. The parents may not be equipped to guide the son as to what is the “norm” in the US. If OP didn’t “raise” the son, he/she may have a difficult time to enforce rules. (If my assumptions are wrong, I do apologize)</p>
<p>OP has been given a lot of good advice on this thread, I hope he/she will follow through.</p>
<p>Interesting to read all the different perspectives. I wonder if some of the difference is due to where evey one lives. it is so expensive to live in the NY suburbs that kids with lower paying jobs tend to live at home - at least for a year or so. Those that go to Wall St or accounting can afford apartments (often shares but still apartments) but those with lower starting salaries - even teachers - and certainly those with minimum wage jobs usually need some parental help for a while. </p>
<p>There is a difference between wanting your son to have a job upon graduation and kicking him out of the house. You need a plan that you are comfortable with and that is reasonable. Most kids are anxious to get out on their own and live their own lives. Hopefully, your son is one of them.</p>
<p>As others have said, the first step is to set clear expectations - starting with a job. Then you can move on to the living arrangements. Personally, I would not be paying for anything beyond the basics. But would likely not kick him out. </p>
<p>All but two of my younger son’s close friends are living at home, though nearly all of them have some sort of job. His girlfriend has a job in the city and is sharing a small apartment with two friends, another also is sharing an apartment somewhere in Harlem. One is living on the West Coast. But they are all working and all eager to earn enough to get out.</p>
<p>Well, that may be so for well-heeled college students who graduate in 4-5 years. But even in those cases, don’t they want/do internships or other research opps to have a good resume? It seems to me that even in cases where parents are footing the entire bill, the students still seek internships or other career-oriented activities to do in the summer.</p>
<p>But, in situations like the OP’s, where education seems to be going on and on, and the student is now 26 years old and graduation is still about a year away, there needs to be some tough love applied. The mom is posting because she knows that something isn’t right. This isn’t a case of a diligent student who just happens to be supported by a parent. </p>
<p>Some of these “Failure to Launch” kids need a kick in the pants. </p>
<p>Some grown children live at home, but I don’t think it is their first choice to do so. Economics may make this a necessity, but the kids I know would rather not live with their parents, even if they have great parents who they care about. This is usually a motivator for them to look for work and a place of their own. </p>
<p>It’s unusual to see a college senior who has not made some steps towards working- even as a volunteer or unpaid internship- to get experience. Does this student have US citizenship and is he able to be employed here- or is he thinking what’s the use if that isn’t possible? Does he want to be here or is he homesick for China? </p>
<p>I wonder if there is some emotional component here, for this delay in wanting to be on his own- such as depression, or some sort of social- emotional delays. I also wonder if there isn’t some sort of learning issue that causes him to be depressed. Sometimes learning difficulties can be attributed to language differences but the student is actually having to adjust to both. </p>
<p>While the student is in college, he has access to both the career center and student heath counseling. I would have him consult both to see what kind of help he needs. </p>
<p>Chinese students in China might not work, but once the Chinese students are in college in USA, they should learn the American way because that’s how they are going to get jobs. It’s very competitive even for menial jobs. There is something educational about applying for jobs and getting jobs, keeping jobs. All those stuff are part of the learning process, not everything can be learned from books. Both of my kids had menial jobs and so did I, learned tons of things from them.
I think OP has already cut short the learning process for her son by selecting his courses and such because that’s also a part of the learning process. I never get involved with that. </p>
<p>At the very least have him go by the career center and have them help make him a resume, such as it is. They will know how to make one up from academic points of interest.</p>
<p>He’ll get a job. Just stop giving him spending money. It’s not like he has no education. he’ll be fine.</p>
<p>Not to say it is true in this particular case, but I think some college grads are content to live in parents home simply because they would not have the standard of living they were used to if they instantly became a self-supporting adult.
Those with physical or mental challenges aside, I think “the economy” is Sometimes an excuse, not a reason.
Here in the U.S. it seems to me parents job is to raise a happy healthy self-supporting adult. Those who make it too comfortable for a kid to stay home after college grad are doing the offspring no favors.
As I said in previous post, I did not help coach and encourage my child to go to college, and graduate college so he could live at home. Had I desired that, completing high school would have been enough. I wanted my S to have opportunities for a happy, successful career as an adult, and to strive for and be proud of his independence.</p>
<p>Self-reliant is a trait highly desirable in USA. If you ever work with an American born , regardless of what race, you’ll find out. They rarely give up trying. I’ve learned tons from my colleagues that way.</p>
<p>thanks for that perspective @DrGoogle Being born here I rarely consider what traits we consider desirable. But it is true that the whole aim for my kids, FROM my kids, is self-reliance. I remember when the oldest started working and worked all the way through college. We never suggested it, but she really wanted to be “independent” was how she labeled it. The next one works in college, too, but also not at our suggestion. We would have given them spending money. they “see” themselves that way, though.</p>
<p>I will say the job the oldest got did lead to her first career job out of college even more than her degree. Without the degree, though, I don’t think she would have been considered for the position. So, there’s that.</p>
<p>The main thing, here, though, is that the kid has a useful, employable degree. He’ll be fine once he realizes he has to pay for his own gas and lunch.</p>
<p>A child becoming independent from parents is a two way street. I personally think it is a normal developmental milestone towards autonomy, along with the others we are familiar with such as the “terrible two’s” and adolescence. </p>
<p>But these stages are hard on parents too. We need to keep in mind that our goal for our kids is their independence, which will leave us alone, with an empty nest. Sometimes that is hard for a parent to manage and keeping the child dependent in some way makes the parent feel better, but it can hurt the child in the long run. </p>
<p>I personally think a child and parents who can manage all these stages will also manage the grown child leaving home one. There is always the possibility that circumstances lead to a grown child living at home, but even that arrangement can be worked out in different ways, and without changing the goal of independence. </p>
<p>While I suggested counseling for the son, I will add counseling for the parents. I don’t know many parents who could just show their grown unemployed child the door, knowing that child had nowhere to live. I think a transition period for seeking employment if needed for some adult children is reasonable. However, all children whether they live at home or not need limits and sometimes it is very hard to set limits. Counseling can help parents deal with how to set reasonable ones. </p>
<p>I think a lot of it has to do with work ethic. I know both of my kids (seniors) are very busy putting together resumes and cover letters, attending presentations, applying for jobs, etc. – so if worst comes to worst and they don’t have jobs come May, I’m happy to have them live with me for a bit while they continue their job search. (What’s a bit? A year? I don’t really know.) I know both of them want very much to be independent, and since I have few worries that they are slacking off, I’m fine being the safety net. I’d feel very differently if I felt they weren’t motivated to get a job. </p>
<p>^PG, exactly, mine is getting stressed out about applying for internships. She is only sophomore. I told her to relax, she is still early but it counts if she puts in the effort.</p>
<p>Thank you all for the feedbacks! I certainly appreciate your time and insights! </p>
<p>@oldfort, your assumptions are close enough to bring up an interesting point to this thread: the parenting styles between the US and China. Without into a scholarly discussion, in this particular situation - grown up in China and started college here - S, as being joked about by my colleagues, got the “best” deal from a selective combination of both parenting styles: having freedom of choice without taking responsibility; being fully taken care of without having to do what was told. </p>
<p>Intellectually, I see it. But I spoiled him more or less as redemption to my own youth - grown up with hardship and found way pushing through. A complicated psychological phenomena. Selfish? Perhaps, but real!</p>
<p>He is a smart kid with good social skills. The key issue is motivation. And that, as many folks pointed out here, has to do with his taken for granted that I will back him up. Kids in his generation simply refuse to grown up. To setup a deadline for him to be independent is not a money issue, rather a desperate attempt to give him an external “motivation” with which he would hopefully face his future. But, it’s obviously he has not taken it seriously. He simple doesn’t believe I would let the landlord (he has his own apartment) kick him out upon graduation. </p>
<p><<<
But, it’s obviously he has not taken it seriously. He simple doesn’t believe I would let the landlord (he has his own apartment) kick him out upon graduation.
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<p>Well, you have to do something in the meantime to let him know you mean business. </p>
<p>Or face the possibility that you want him to move home.</p>
<p>Seriously, the peer pressure to have an internship is overwhelming. For the OP’s son to avoid the path that probably all his peers took–a summer internship–raises this possibility.</p>
<p>My parents were first-generation Americans (technically anchor babies I suppose, three of my four grandparents remained the US illegally).</p>
<p>Thus, I assume it was no surprise that my siblings all lived at home for around 5 years. Once the last sibling started college, the oldest moved back in. He was able to help around the house and save up, and only moved out when he got married. Same for all of them except me (I was dumb enough to start a long-term relationship at 19 ).</p>
<p>Note that my parents never charged rent, and my mom even made lunches for my siblings and I when we were living at home after college (though I lived there a very very short time compared to the others, maybe two months at two different points after college). Why? Because when you graduated HS and got a job in their families, you never moved out. Why would you move out? Not going to college made it more natural to stay home, find a job near your house, and live at home until you got married. My mom lived at home until she was 30. My dad live at home until he was 32 except for college and the two years he worked near where he graduated from.</p>
<p>Too much attention is paid to “how TERRIBLE it is for someone not to be able to get an apartment of their own right after college!” because living at home = slacker. Instead, and I think the age of the parents matters a bit, it is HONORABLE to live with your parents and help them out (we all did chores when we lived at home) while you are able to save money, money that of course you would later spend to help your parents.</p>
<p>A corollary to this is that my friends who never married but moved out of their parents’ houses right after college have much less money than I and my friends who did marry. Living at home gives the cost savings of being married.</p>
<p>Perhaps the son having his own apartment that you pay for is part of the issue. In my family, he would be at home or he would pay 100% for his own apartment somewhere else (another reason why my siblings all lived at home after college). If you mean the apartment is only for when he is at school, that is different.</p>
<p>Different perspective. I think being on my own house helped me getting married. I can’t imagine dating my husband living in my mom’s house.
So for men it’s even worse I think, how many women want to date mama’s boys. Even independent women want men to be able to take care of themselves.</p>
<p>Staring at a blank piece of paper and hoping for a resume to appear can be overwhelming. The first one does’t have to be the final. Just getting the format selected and all the dates/experiences corralled is time consuming so maybe set a smaller goal such as a skeleton/basic resume by Thanksgiving and a more professional one completed by the New Year. </p>
<p>And I agree with others who suggest he get a part time job right now. Most engineering programs will have 10-15 hour per week jobs available…but he has to make time to talk to professors and the office folks associated with his major.</p>
<p><<<
Thus, I assume it was no surprise that my siblings all lived at home for around 5 years. Once the last sibling started college, the oldest moved back in. He was able to help around the house and save up, and only moved out when he got married. Same for all of them except me (I was dumb enough to start a long-term relationship at 19 ).</p>
<p>Note that my parents never charged rent, and my mom even made lunches for my siblings and I when we were living at home after college (though I lived there a very very short time compared to the others, maybe two months at two different points after college). Why? Because when you graduated HS and got a job in their families, you never moved out. Why would you move out? Not going to college made it more natural to stay home, find a job near your house, and live at home until you got married. My mom lived at home until she was 30. My dad live at home until he was 32 except for college and the two years he worked near where he graduated from.
<<<</p>
<p>@rhandco </p>
<p>I don’t think we’re talking about the same thing. If the OP was complaining that her soon-to-grad son was going to get a job, live at home and save money, and help out, that would be a DIFFERENT story.</p>
<p>My dad was Italian. He and his bros all lived at home til they were married or nearly-married. (My dad had to move across country with his job a year before he married). They all WORKED full time, gave Grandma a bit of money, and SAVED like fiends. They bought investment property, stocks, etc. They weren’t moochers!!! They weren’t couch potatoes. They weren’t “using” their mom. Grandma loved the extra money she was getting from each son. </p>
).</p>