<p>My 26 year old son is in a serious relationship, not engaged yet but headed in that direction. His girlfriend will finish her doctoral program in our city in a few months, do a short postdoc, and then look for a job. She’s been away from her tight-knit Korean-American Seattle-based family for six years now.<br>
So she dropped the bomb I’d been dreading yesterday after dinner, she’d really like to move back to Seattle, of course with our son. She said they’d been discussing plans for where to live this weekend. Of course we’d always hoped she’d want to remain here; obviously she’s just missing her family. And her mother has been actively campaigning for them to come to Seattle and has mentioned companies where my son, an engineer, could find employment.
My greatest wish for my son is a happy life and I feel I can’t in good conscience get involved in the decision, that it should be his/theirs without parental involvement/guilt. My husband and I are fond of his girlfriend and would like to see them together. But he loves New England, his job, the environs.<br>
How have other families handled this? Is it fair to suggest they move to Seattle but keep open the possibility of moving back to the East Coast in the future? We’re so parochial having never left New England ourselves, it’d hard to imagine young families not staying in one spot – but maybe that is the way of the future, I don’t know. But I already have a hole in my heart thinking they won’t be here.</p>
<p>You raise them and then you let them go especially when they are 26.</p>
<p>It sucks, but there really doesn’t seem to be anything you can do about it.</p>
<p>"My greatest wish for my son is a happy life "</p>
<p>Then, be happy for him as it seems he’s in love and is very happy.
Know that you can travel to see him, and vice versa.
Let him and his wife determine their future. Don’t pressure them with your wishes.</p>
<p>As Hodding Carter said, “The greatest legacy we can give our children is roots and wings.”</p>
<p>Hugs to you.</p>
<p>The world is much smaller now than it used to be. It should be possible to see them several times a year even if they move to Seattle. You can think of it as being fortunate that they will be living in an area which many people visit as tourists, so you will have an interesting place to visit when you go see them. My son went to school in California and we live on the East Coast. He is now working in San Francisco and I feel lucky that I have been able to learn a lot about a different part of the country. Our family is very close, and we speak to him frequently, probably more frequently than some other parents speak to their young adult kids who live nearby. You can still remain close to your son even if he is living across the country.</p>
<p>I agree with all the posters above, but I think it’s perfectly alright to say that he can keep open the possibility of moving back to the East Coast in the future.</p>
<p>Sit tight and see what happens.</p>
<p>It is truly a new work world and your son will probably find himself moving a number of times in his carreer.</p>
<p>Husband and I have decided to find a spot that both kids would love to come vacation at and we will retire there. Big enough so that they can come visit with friends and family especially when they don’t have much money for other vacations. Who can turn down free room and board? That’s the plan. I’ll let you know how it works out in 15 years. :)</p>
<p>I wouldn’t suggest saying that because her S and his girlfriend may feel the statement is pressure.</p>
<p>I also don’t think that the statement needs to be said. It’s not as if the S and girlfriend will be burning bridges as they leave New England. Also, given the mobility of today’s society and the high prices in Seattle (and places like Boston for that matter), they may end up moving to a more affordable place anyway when it comes time to buy a house or raise a family.</p>
<p>Seattle may seem a world away but look at it as a way for you and your H to leave the New England area to visit. Make each trip an adventure knowing at the end you will get to see your S.<br>
I am sort of going through this with my own son who will be getting married in June and his fiancee wants to move “home” which is only 3 hours away but a world away from the area he is teaching in and she working in the pharmaceutical world. I have to keep saying to myself, sometimes through the tears, I have raised a wonderful son and if this is what he wants to do, I have to learn to accept it and move on.</p>
<p>I can’t improve on the above advice. However, I’ll add this. My D’s ex-boyfriend has parents who are VT fanatics. D sees her future in NYC. They preemptively destroyed the relationship to ensure that their son, now 24, would return to VT. So, the boy waffled and broke up with D and got back together several times until the final break. He found a girlfriend to follow him back to his hometown in VT. He wanted to go to law school but parents convinced him this would be a waste of money, so he is a low paid paralegal. In VT you need only pass the bar exam to practice as a lawyer, so that is his plan. </p>
<p>However, he is miserable. He keeps emailing D complaining about his current girlfriend. He claims he can’t stop thinking about her. This of course drives D nuts because although she has dated quite a bit, she hasn’t found a serious long term boyfriend.</p>
<p>D is off to London in Jan., something these parents also wouldn’t “allow” their son to do.</p>
<p>I know you wouldn’t do any of these things, nor were you thinking of doing any of them. </p>
<p>We all want our kids near us, but we want their happiness more, as I know you do.</p>
<p>One of my dear friends watched all her four children relocate to the West Coast. She’s planning a move to Oregon when they retire soon.</p>
<p>Watch how all this sophisticated thinking dissolves when it’s my turn!!!</p>
<p>Hugs to you. I am looking forward to on screen video chats with D in London. With all our technology they are just a gigabyte away.</p>
<p>A young man (early thirties) joined our firm last year so his wife could be near her family in Atlanta. They have young children and the husband travels a great deal. His prior job had taken him first to Charlotte and then Philly. The young wife finally told him that moving back to Atlanta so she could be close to her mother and extended family was absolutely an imperative. </p>
<p>I think being close to her mother will be more important once she decides to have children, so I would hate to get your hopes up that they will move out and come back. For most of the couples I know who have had to choose between being near one family or the other, the decision has been to locate near the wife’s family.</p>
<p>I know you will miss him terribly, but I recommend you be encouraging. He is bound to feel stressed already about having to find a new job and leaving his home and family. Making the best of it from the start is probably the wisest approach and it sounds like you are trying to do just that.</p>
<p>I agree with others–especially with the comment about the important legacy of “roots and wings.” We have to let them go and be proud of them. (Fine for me to say–my son is still a HS senior!) I grew up in a family where there was overt pressure to stay near the parents, and it was not a good thing. You may also be feeling some understandable sadness and a big of jealousy that they’ll be near her parents and close-knit family but not you. It’s up to you to build a new, long-distance relationship with your S. It’ll be different, but in this day and age you can do it pretty easily.</p>
<p>The best suggestion others have made is to go visit! My S’s dream is to live in California, 3,000 miles away. I can’t wait for a ready-made opportunity to hang out in the Bay Area.</p>
<p>“but maybe that is the way of the future…”
That is also the way of the past. Many of our not too distant relatives came over on the boat. My parents were second generation, they moved numerous times and my W and I have moved even more. I guess it is nice to have “roots.” But, we only live once. Sometimes I think it is better to live different lives in different places.</p>
<p>Reading all these responses I know I’ll do the intellectually honest thing, as I thought I would, and not assert any pressure on him. I will support him in any move. If grandchildren come, it’d be great for them to have one set of grandparents near by, even if it’s not me and my husband.</p>
<p>But emotionally it’s so difficult, tears are falling already, to think of family far apart. My husband and I have aging parents (four!) here to take care of and will be tied to their care for many years. Other than that I will really WOULD love to live somewhere else nearer where the kids wind up. My youngest son goes to school in Montreal and I’ve enjoyed the visits and experiencing the different culture.</p>
<p>Nowadays it is not uncommon for young families to move back and forth across the country. This move may end up a temporary thing - only time will tell. I have friends with kids in a similar situation as yours (for example, gf wanted to move “closer” to family) who ended up moving back.</p>
<p>On the other hand, Seattle is a booming beautiful city and your son might end up liking it here a lot. Unemployment rate is still very low, and a young family with two working professionals can still afford a nice house or condo - may be not downtown, but not too far away (and who’d want to raise kids downtown?). And all the talk about neverending rain and miserable weather is generated by those californians who moved here and miss their palm trees and eternal sunshine 
By the way, Pacific Northwest is a wonderful place to visit. I do not know exactly where in New England your “home base” is, but non-stop flights from Seattle to Boston (less than 6 hours in the air ) are very bearable.</p>
<p>I would suggest seeing how things play out. There is too much up in the air for you to be worried at this point. Let them make their decisions and then you can make your’s depending on what transpires. If my son moved to Seattle, and he has already expressed interest in doing so…we are also on the East coast…I might consider a move to the West coast as well to be closer to him. As time goes on you can see where they’re at and see where you’re at too.</p>
<p>Devastated?
Wow- I live in Seattle and while the winters are long and dreary the rest of the time is gorgeous.
Id say “be happy” now you have an excuse to come visit!
;)</p>
<p>What are your sons political views? To me Seattle seemed like Hippie central, way too liberal for my taste. You son may get home sick and want to move back fairly quickly.</p>
<p>We live in the west, and my senior D is determined to go to college in New England. You might be surprised at the conversations we moms have from time to time. We know it’s likely they’ll fall for boys from far away, but we also know this is the risk when they leave us. And, of course, we hope they’ll bring these boys home when its time to settle down, but this is NOT up to us. This thread was enlightening to me, seeing the other side and your sadness when these kids think about going west. An interesting thing about westerners is that we are all relative newcomers. That my grandparents homesteaded here in the 1930’s makes me the equivalent of a DAR! We love our state, but are possibly more mobile and rootless than some in the eastern part of the US and many of us think about relocating as an adventure, not a disaster.</p>
<p>In contrast, when I asked an acquaintance where her son would be applying, she said, “Well, only in Texas. We want him to marry a girl from Texas, settle down, and then we’ll move back to Texas when we retire, and we can all be together.” This made me cringe, so I guess I’m ready for D to leave, at least on an intellectual level.</p>
<p>Seattle is a wonderful place to live and work; very few people “want to move back fairly quickly”.</p>
<p>My wife has never forgiven me for taking her away.</p>
<p>It is inevitable for couples from different places - someone’s family is left behind.</p>