<p>Unless my child had crippling social anxiety or had a miserable high school experience (due to bullying, for example), I would insist that he/she go to graduation. Part of growing up is learning that you have to do some things that you consider boring or tedious – work meetings come to mind. Also, you learn to be appreciative for support from your parents, neighbors, friends, church, school, etc. Sitting through a few hours of graduation is a minutely small sacrifice compared to the years of support received.</p>
<p>One of my kids didn’t go to her (entire) high school graduation - the only one with a halfway-decent high school experience. It conflicted with an important final opportunity in her EC, so she walked in with her class but kept on walking out of the building to the car. The vice principal presented her diploma before the ceremony.</p>
<p>I think a parent’s wishes are important and should be respected - but I think a kid’s wishes are important and should be respected, too. If a kid has been frankly miserable throughout high school, I wouldn’t exert pressure to make the kid go because I wanted to see him/her cross the stage for 8 seconds. If I thought the kid might regret not attending later (though how many people think about their high school graduation afterwards? I never have), I’d probably still let him make the decision and then let him realize later that he made the wrong one. </p>
<p>I’m not a big event person. Although Marsian’s point about putting up with graduation to show appreciation for family support is a good one, I wouldn’t feel unappreciated if my own kid didn’t go to graduation. Many kids are not supported by neighbors, friends, school, or even parents, so I think those kids might reasonably be excused.</p>
<p>^^^
I get what you are saying frazzled, especially with the child that might have had a miserable HS experience. But in a case like that, my advice to the graduate would be to definitely go. That would be a statement to all those who excluded or bullied the child that they didn’t win. He/she is graduating with everyone else and will walk with the rest of the class to receive the diploma. Not going in a circumstance like that would indicate to others that the bullying/excluding had its intended affect. </p>
<p>My daughter isnt going to her university graduation ( although she is going to her college ceremony).</p>
<p>I agree it depends on how the parents feel.
But in that situation ( not having other relatives who would also be disappointed if they didn’t walk), I would expect them to be present at a small party, but allow them to skip graduation.
( however, I think both kids schools may have required walking with your class, in order to participate in the class party).</p>
<p>I think there may be many good reasons for a student to skip graduation. But I don’t think feeling that it’s boring, or not caring about ceremonies, or just not feeling like it, are good reasons if it’s important to other members of the family. Those are purely selfish reasons. This would be the time to remind the kid of all the things those family members did for him or her, despite not really feeling like doing them, starting with carrying him or her for nine months.</p>
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<p>Yup.</p>
<p>And I’m in the first camp. I think it’s a great teaching point…namely, at 18…28…58…your personal accomplishments are not achieved in a vacuum. If you’re lucky, there are people in your world that support, encourage and help direct your journey. It’s not all about you. </p>
<p>Do you think his name might be called out for an award or community scholarship, either known now or by surprise? If that’s a possibility you could insist that he personally notify the school in advance of an intended absence. </p>
<p>Tradition and ceremony can vary widely. Should this be about requiring an adult child to comply with a parent preference? Perhaps it is one of those conversations that could or should be on-going throughout adolescence, thus avoiding a preventable conflict.</p>
<p>As I read through these thoughts, I am struck that graduation ceremony attendance is one of those issues that rarely gets discussed during the years leading up to the event. I can picture myself using humor to express the expectation that while kids do not always love tradition, parents seem to value it. And kids, of course, indulge their parents’ wishes and attend ceremonies!</p>
<p>In my household of origin, there was discussion of all sorts of significant events, but not about graduation ceremonies. There was an implied expectation that one would complete a course of study, but not that one deserved to be honored for less than a doctoral degree. I did not attend my graduation from a large state university. My parents lived several states away and never suggested that they were interested in attending. Later, as I earned 2 different master’s degrees, I attended both ceremonies because I felt connected to the students in my programs. No family members, except my future husband, attended any of the ceremonies.</p>
<p>Mr merlin and I have made a point to honor our sons and attend their ceremonies at their small liberal arts universities. Any debate will be about where to dine afterward.</p>
<p>OP,
Good for you!!! Will save you time and money! Kuddos to smart S.!
If you think otherwise, you can at least respect his wishes, it is his graduation, not yours after all!</p>
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Baloney to this, I say. The kid should respect the wishes of the people who sacrificed for him, unless he has a really, really good reason not to go. If he can’t articulate that good reason, then tell him he needs to get over being so selfish and suck it up for others.</p>
<p>Others includes his teachers. It’s not just about himself and his family. There’s a community of people there who paid him attention, thought about him, answered his questions, made allowances and exceptions. For a successful student to be a no-show seems odd, as if to say none of it mattered enough to show up now that he’s “so over high school” and on to beyond. </p>
<p>Perhaps there are a few teachers, especially from earlier grades, who haven’t seen him recently, who deserve a “thank you” from him. Teachers give up a day with their own families to show up for him and his classmates. Something else to consider, anyway. </p>
<p>OP here. We had several relatives over for Easter, and DS was telling them he didn’t plan on attending graduation. As he explained it, he had sat through several such ceremonies, was hot and bored as an attendee, and didn’t want to inflict the same pain on his loved ones. He really is a kid who doesn’t care about being in the spotlight. Besides, real recognition will be at a separate awards night, which he begrudgingly promised to attend because that is important to me.</p>
<p>I’m leaning towards letting him skip the ceremony, but still having a celebration with family and close friends. I don’t think DS is not appreciative. It’s just not his thing, and I get it. </p>
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<p>This is only a legitimate excuse (in my opinion) if his loved ones don’t want to go the ceremony. If no one wants to go, then no, it’s not worth it to force everyone to go. If you want to go or your spouse wants to go and it’s important to you, then I would encourage him to do it. It’s not a pain if people want to do it. If no one else cares, then there’s no issue–and I assume, you wouldn’t even be asking this question. For some people, a celebration with the family is just as good as a graduation, and that’s absolutely fine. But for others, the ceremony is really important, and in my opinion, unless there’s some other obligation during that time, this is one of those things that is really about the parents or other loved ones, not the student.</p>
<p>This was my exact same excuse every time I had a ceremony or graduation. I hated it and never wanted to go, and I wouldn’t want to make anyone else go. But I knew that my parents would have liked to see me walk across the stage and take pictures and go out to dinner with the family after, so I did it for them because it was the least I could do. So while I often said that, it was REALLY just because I didn’t want to go. If you want to go, then (in my opinion) it’s a nice way to show your thankfulness for everything that you’ve given up for him.</p>
<p>He sounds like a great kid. Have you told him that you’re disappointed? If it were my D (and I can see her doing the same thing), I would be honest with her and tell it’s important to me that she walk and that only family members who want to be at ceremony will be subjected to the experience. </p>
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This excuse wouldn’t survive for 20 seconds at my house. You shouldn’t accept it, either. The fact that it “isn’t his thing” is an opportunity for him to show a little maturity and consideration of others.</p>
<p>This whole scenario puzzles me. You say your son has plenty of friends and a girlfriend. Doesn’t he want to walk with them? Unless things have changed drastically since I graduated, the ceremony was kind of a big deal. Not because of all the formality, but you were there with your friends, goofing around and celebrating in the way teens do. </p>
<p>OP, just wondering - any chance that your S is really sad about graduating and that he may be avoiding the “end” of his HS years so not attending the ceremony is a way to avoid the emotional night of saying “good bye” to HS as he knows it??? </p>
<p>DS is not sad about graduating. He is super excited to start college and begin his grown up life. As I mentioned earlier, he wants to attend the Grad Night celebration, just not the ceremony itself. Also, he and several friends are leaving for Europe two days after graduating, so the celebration will continue.</p>
<p>Full disclosure: girlfriend doesn’t want to walk, either, and I think they are feeding off each other (guessing my son initiated the idea, but it didn’t take much to convince gf). They are also opting out of prom for a “fancy date night”, but I am fine with that because DS has already attended many dances, and they promised pictures from their fancy night.</p>
<p>The prom is about them. The graduation ceremony isn’t just about them. That’s the difference.</p>
<p>I would add that if the girlfriend’s family really wants to see her walk, your son needs to be told that he’s done something really wrong.</p>
<p>I agree with harvestmoon. I remember so many things from grad night with fondness, and none of it has to do with the pomp and ceremony. It has to do with seeing and talking to some of the kids for the last time. It has to do with looking up into the stands and catching my entire extended family smiling back at me, and my little sister waving the bracelet on her wrist that I had given her. It has to do with another sister and some friends in the junior class who had volunteered to be helpers with the evening waiting for me on the field and seeing me “first” as a grad. The after party I barely remember. But walking for my family? THAT I remember. </p>