<p>We need advice. We purchased a very modest 2 br condo for both of our boys to share at University. My older son in 2nd year mentioned that he would like to move in with his girlfriend. We are floored, the boys have always been best friends. Our younger son is in a dorm this year for the experience and was planning on replacing my older sons roommate in the condo next September. He is very shy and was looking forward to living with his older brother next year he doesn’t have anyone he would like to room with . The condo was a huge financial commitment for us. We are thinking of telling our son that he can stay with his girlfriend as much as he likes but we are not paying for half of her apartment. She is funding her own education but we are paying the whole shot for our sons. He has even asked if she can come along on our next family vacation another sticky situation</p>
<p>You pay the bills, you get to make the decisions. Tell him that you are providing a place for him to live - the condo- and have no intention of paying for him to live elsewhere. And that she is not allowed to live in the condo.</p>
<p>If he wants to make grown up decisions like living with the girl friend, then he needs to act like a grown up and figure out how to pay for it.</p>
<p>"We are thinking of telling our son that he can stay with his girlfriend as much as he likes but we are not paying for half of her apartment. "</p>
<p>I completely agree. You purchased the condo for your sons to live in. You should not have to pay for someplace else. The couple can pay for themselves as they “play house.”</p>
<p>“He has even asked if she can come along on our next family vacation another sticky situation”</p>
<p>lol…at your expense?</p>
<p>Ok, I have twice paid for my son’s GF to go to Calif with us. It was MY idea, so I paid. If my son had asked me, I don’t know what I’d think. I certainly would not pay for the two love birds to have a hotel room to themselves. lol… not happening. BTW…the GF’s dad called me and asked me to be sure NOT to provide them with a shared bed. lol </p>
<p>What kind of vacation would this be? A pricey one where more hotel rooms would be needed? </p>
<p>So, she isn’t replacing your other son’s place in the apt, correct? Is his girlfriend going to be living and sharing your older son’s room? If you are fine with that I suppose it could work, but I would not allow the girlfriend to replace the younger child’s space in the apt.
I would also expect her to pay some portion of the rent to live there. You don’t want to be paying her food costs either.</p>
<p>I’m not a fan of inviting friends on family vacations. I know many people who do this, but this is not for me until I know the girlfriend is a sure thing.</p>
<p>I agree. But I would also make it clear that the GF has to have another legitimate place of residence, as she might just piggy back there, and some rules had better be made clear about visitations and courtesies to your other son there. Realistically, she is probably going to be there a lot. So the rules should be reasonable and more about plain old good manners. </p>
<p>As for the vacation, you decide how to handle it. Not ready for it yet, say so. We permit it but the rules are that there is no sharing bedrooms and situations to make others uncomfortable. Which means separate rooms. Yeah, I’m antiquated, but it’s my money, my turf, my rules, my home, vacation. Anyone not like it, then don’t come here. I’ve made up my own mind after seeing families let these things slide and their kids pushed it so that it was ridiculous and then it was done deal and an uphill fight to regain ground. I just put the rules right down from the onset for my own comfort level, reasonable or not and others can make their own decisions. ANd I’ve had no shortage of takers of our hospitality with those ground rules either. </p>
<p>I think he was planning on subletting his room to another boy to live with my younger son.</p>
<p>^^^</p>
<p>So, he plans on subletting and then using that money to fund another place for he and the GF? And what happens if they break up? </p>
<p>Seriously, I would be VERY concerned about couples signing leases for apts. When there’s a break-up, someone gets left holding the bag.</p>
<p>Also…does your son need YOU to co-sign the lease? If he doesn’t have his own income, he’ll likely need YOU to sign on his lease. That could become an issue for you.</p>
<p>Does the condo have two bathrooms? If it does, there should be no problem with three people living there. Your older son and his girlfriend share the larger bedroom, and your other son takes the smaller one. All you need to do is figure out how much rent the girl would pay.</p>
<p>The alternative is that you don’t let them live together in the condo, in which case either (1) she spends most of her time at your sons’ place without contributing to the rent, or (2) your older son spends most of his time at her place, and your younger son is lonely. Neither of these options seems ideal.</p>
<p>I believe her parents would co sign the lease. They dont have 2 cents to rub together but LOVE my son. They allow them to share a bed at her house but we have her sleep in the guest room which they complain about.</p>
<p>I don’t believe people have the right to live together until they can pay their own bills. You bought the condo for both of your boys to live there while they are in school. If S1 doesn’t want to live there, he is not entitled to the money from subletting. </p>
<p>If he wants to live with her, he can pay for it. Nothing wrong with that. </p>
<p>My bf and I lived together for 2.5 years in undergrad so I clearly see nothing wrong with it, but I wouldn’t dream of asking my parents to put me up. </p>
<p>Marian also makes really good points. </p>
<p>As I re read this I have come to the conclusion that my older son is acting like a spoiled brat. I appreciate all the comments! I think we will tell him that subletting is not an option unless my younger son suddenly finds a friend he would like to share with. (unlikely with social anxiety) I don’t want to force him to baby sit my younger son but the condo was purchased for them to share. </p>
<p>My concern about this is that adult activities and decisions require adult responsibilities. Living together and running a household are adult activities. A relationship between two mature adults also depends on them being able to meet the daily challenges of adulthood- the financial responsibilities and challenges that come with that. Playing house on mom and dad’s money can romanticize a relationship, but that does not mean the relationship is viable when adult responsibilities are added. IMHO, a couple should be able to support themselves if they are considering moving in together.</p>
<p>Sigh. I don’t think your son is acting like a spoiled brat. He wants to live with his girlfriend. A tale as old as time.
Basically, his choice is to live in the apartment provided–no sublets allowed, YOU will pick who lives there, mayb no one at all if he chooses not to live there. If he chooses not to live there, then he pays his own way in terms of room and board, or however you want to work it out. You pay for what you want to pay. </p>
<p>I knew ever so many living arrangements were couples were actually living together but both parties had a place that parents were paying for. Where a student actually lives is often out of the control of the parent. The only place you have say is regarding what you will pay, what you will provide and the rules of the apartment that you have there. When it comes to guest privileges, it gets sticky. Most parents I know say that guests have to have another local permanent residence–can’t have the parent paid place as the primary even if it means the guest is there all of the time. I had roommates with SOs that essentially lived with us, but the rule was that they had to have their own place. That rule can come in handy when space is needed in young relationships and when there are break ups. </p>
<p>Ask him to be his brother’s roommate for one year, he can at least do that for his brother. Revisit the subletting arrangement after that. I don’t really think that he should have to be tied to the brother after a year that he does his duty to put brother at ease, if the room can be rented. Unless maybe it was his idea that you buy a condo which commits him to be tied down to it?</p>
<p>We took my daughter’s bf on vacation with us and grandparents etc.</p>
<p>Huh? I don’t think he’s acting like a spoiled brat at all unless he’s expecting you to put up costs for him in addition to the condo.</p>
<p>I also don’t think anyone should be required to room with their sibling. He’s not his keeper and it’s plenty early enough to find another roommate if he and you so choose. </p>
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<p>This seems reasonable to me. When I was in undergrad and shared an apartment with a girl, her boyfriend moved in. I was somewhat uncomfortable but he was a nice person so I let it ride for a month or two. Then I came home to a poker game and one of the guys asked me what <em>I</em> was doing there. That’s when I demanded that we split the rent three ways.</p>
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<p>Did your son have any say in the purchase of the Condo? If he fully supported it, then this is a time where he has to live with his own choices. If you “forced” it upon him, it could simply be a continuation of him trying to push his independence. I am not necessarily “pro” living together, but I am a realist. I don’t see the point in his girlfriend paying for an apartment and your son living in your condo, yet they share the same bed every night. It is a complete waste of money. If your older son just stays at GFs all the time, you younger sone will only be more isolated and is bound to feel abandoned. Young love is blinding and your older son will not see that it affects younger brother. If the Condo was a stretch for you, maybe having his GF live at the Condo and pay all the utilities in lieu of rent could be a financial compromise. It is up to you if you can handle it.</p>
<p>I agree, if he chooses not to live in the apartment he pays for a different location himself (e.g. with the girl). If he chooses not to live in the apartment does the freshman son not have any friends that might want to live off campus in a nice condo…that feels hard to believe…usually kids are chomping at the bit to live off-campus.</p>
<p>You can, you know, also tell your older son flat out “no” he can’t live with the girlfriend which is probably what my H and I would do with our sons if they pulled this on us. This is one of those cases where we felt and vocalized that they (our sons) aren’t independent in any reasonable way since we pay for them to have this college experience…</p>
<p>It really doesn’t matter if S1 agreed to the condo idea or not, as long as the parents are paying for his expenses. S1 can have his independence when he is paying his own way. It would be no different if the parents had said, “We don’t want you to live off campus. We want you to room and board on campus.” The parents have decided it was most financially feasible for them to get a condo for their boys to live in while they were in school. </p>
<p>The biggest downside of moving in with bf/gf is what happens when (not if) they do break up. At a lot of college towns, housing is very scarce. At my kid’s school students have to find off campus a year ahead. </p>