<p>Our son graduated, has a job and is moving out of our house next month. He can afford it, so that is not the problem. . He lived in furnished apartments while in school so he doesn’t have anything other than a set of towels and a toaster. Since he is so insistent on doing this, you would think that he would be acquiring some furniture, or gathering some household items, but he is not. We have said that he can take his bedroom set and a chair.</p>
<p>How much do you help our children with this? I will confess up front that I am a little put out by his desire to get out ASAP - although I understand it completely. The way he said it was like a knife through my heart. He would never intentionally hurt me, but his attitude and choice of words were not good.</p>
<p>Of course, his dad and I will make sure he has what he needs, but there is a part of me that says…good luck in the real world kid!</p>
<p>How much have you helped with that first apartment?</p>
<p>I would buy him one big thing. Since he has a job, he can afford the rest. When i got my first apartment after graduation, I had been living with my parents for a year. I saved enough money to buy everything I needed (which isn’t much for an apartment). However, if what he said was totally disrespectful and meant to hurt, I probably wouldn’t buy that one big thing! </p>
<p>Like your son, I was never planning on living with my parents past graduation, and I moved out right away and was very excited to start living on my own.</p>
<p>I too didn’t really have much furniture. I just basically had a futon that my parents helped me by. I don’t think that’s a big deal. Little by little, as you find you need things, you get them. People move out and sell/leave furniture. You get a TV. I don’t really cook, so one pot and one pan have worked just fine for my purposes.</p>
<p>Personally, I don’t see the need for him to go out and get lots of household items. As he discovers what he needs, he’ll get it.</p>
<p>P.S. My friend also just graduated from grad school, and he moved into his apartment with pretty much nothing but a mattress, a folded table, and a few chairs. He got stuff as he needed it and got furniture when someone moved out of the building and sold it to him.</p>
<p>I helped my kids with their first apartments. Nice purge of things. But they did i younger and before they were able and came back. They lost most of what I gave them. So I am glad I did not give them good things like their bedroom set or things I need here. Doesn’t sound like yours is in that situation. </p>
<p>Hugs to you. This is a good thing, but I know it can hurt. He’s spreading his wings.</p>
<p>My oldest shared houses and an apt for several years before she moved into an apt with her bf now H.
She lived in dorms or furnished townhouse while in college, so she didnt really have furniture, but then the shared housing also had accumulated furniture, so she still didnt need any. She did have kitchen stuff from college.
I also brought her childhood dresser down to her after I saw she had a lot of her clothes in laundry baskets.</p>
<p>Youngest moved off campus when she was a sophomore, so we bought her a desk, & bed at that time, which now that she has graduated, she has sold so as not to have to move it.
Her current job/internship is furnished, but when it finishes I expect she will move elsewhere, but as she likely will be sharing a place, she probably still wont need much. She also was appalled at how much clothing she had accumulated while in college and brought home at least 6 garbage bags full of clothes to donate.
Books ( and backpacking & running gear) are the only things she is hanging onto.
She has expressed a desire for Hs old turntable though.
;)</p>
<p>I think its hard on everyone, for them both to move back/move out.
Very poignant.</p>
<p>We cleaned cabinets and let our young adult(s) take what they wanted. We also purchased one - or two - bigger pieces per child. Our oldest daughter chose a loveseat and matching armchair with ottoman (storage) and youngest daughter chose a kitchen table with chairs and a good mattress for her bed. She purchased the bed herself. I no longer remember what our son choose - I think a bed with mattress. The items we bought for them came from Pier One and IKEA. So while a bigger contribution on our part, nothing too expensive.</p>
<p>I also watch the weekly sales ads from Target, purchase an item or two, and when the box fills, I give it to them. The boxes might have something like laundry detergent, paper towels, a baking sheet, a dishrag, non-perishable food items - again nothing big, but these seemed appreciated. I get the “I needed that and hadn’t gotten around to picking it up” comment.</p>
<p>Don’t we WANT our kids to become quickly self-sufficient? Maybe your S was just excited to have found a place and a job so fast. After all those years of doing everything for him, it probably hurts that he doesn’t “need” you anymore.</p>
<p>When my S returned from the military, he asked if we’d go with him to pick out the kitchen/bath stuff, but he paid for it all. He needed all the furniture, of course, since that had all been furnished for him. He found all of it on Craigslist. It started with a futon, but the guy also had a dresser, then added in a desk-by the time he left this one place he had an entire first apartment’s worth of stuff lined up. My younger D just got her first apartment of her own and her dad bought her a bed. She’d been “borrowing” one from a roommate up until then. The rest she got for herself. It really depends on your kid, their income, the kind of place they have and your own mindset. When I got my first place with my ex, my parents were thrilled to purge their home of stuff.</p>
<p>Some are ready for the independence but not all the goods that can weigh them down. Let him decide. Let him go at his own pace and take baby steps, if that’s what he wants. As for the ‘choice of words,’ I try to remember they can show all signs of maturity- and still be growing, in fits and starts. Especially this generation.</p>
<p>After college, we gave our son a gift to be used to furnish his apartment. It was his to do as he pleased, and when. We made sure there was enough for a good mattress/bed. He is still using that gift, and hasn’t yet used it all. He is taking his time. But he has the essentials…a nice bed, kitchen table and chairs, a nice comfy chair in his living room, two nice rugs, and some other pieces of furniture. </p>
<p>OP–speaking from experience, it is very difficult to move back home after being on your own for X years. I have wonderful parents and I am so thankful that they allowed me to come back home while I found a job post-grad, but I am ready to get back to being on my own. It’s not meant to hurt; it’s just an awkward time, and many of us feel that we are failing if we have to move back in with mom and dad.</p>
<p>I’m still in furnished apartments (because I work for University Housing and they provide my apartment) so no advice on that front, but just wanted to throw that into the conversation. He probably wasn’t looking to hurt you on purpose.</p>
<p>My D has been in an apartment with friends for a couple years and just moved into a 4 br townhouse with 3 other girls. We bought her a bed for her first apartment, but she has purchased everything else - linens, desk, bookshelves, dresser. All Ikea or Target. Fortunately, her roommates have had sofas and kitchen tables (or they’ve picked them up at garage sales.) I’m very proud of my D doing all this by herself. And I think she’s very proud to be independent. </p>
<p>My suggestion: If you have things that you’d like to get rid of (dishes, kitchen stuff, old furniture) offer it to your son. He’s free to take it or leave it. Ask if he’d like you to buy a bed (or something else large). But if he says no - then just let it go. He’ll be fine. Guys especially often have minimal needs. </p>
<p>Your son may have been tactless, but he’s doing a good thing by getting out on his own. It’s too hard to feel or act like an adult while living in the family nest. I don’t see any need to buy him stuff. You’re already giving him furniture and he has enough money. He can take it from there. Maybe he’s going to be a minimalist…</p>
<p>I could sleep well if I new my son had a clear vinyl shower curtain liner, a bed, couch and coffee table (doubles as eating surface). The rest is “part of the experience” IKEA is great for side tables. Target is great for a lamp, 4 Corelle plates and 4 larger cereal bowls and Home Goods for silverware for 4. The damage deposit and first/last months rent is how I see most of my friends helping out. I am watching my neighbor getting caught up in the emotions of her D’s first move and it is not cheap…</p>
<p>Re: your question, “how much do you help with the first apt” and his initial response to moving - I might ask you, how much does he want you to help with? Has he asked for your help? </p>
<p>I support the idea of buying one or two needed things - big or small - but also encourage you to let him do his own getting ready if that is what he wants. Surely he is capable - or will become capable of deciding what he wants/needs. </p>
<p>By living in a suite style dorm in college my daughter has already amassed (thanks to me - some stuff I purchased and some stuff I “handed down” to her) a nice collection of stuff she will use in her first apartment one day - kitchen tools, plates, flatware, cups, linens (although the xl sheets will probably not work), a vacuum, etrc.</p>
<p>I echo those who say follow his lead - offer him your spare stuff and to gift him a nice bed and mattress.</p>
<p>With older d who went to grad school in another city, we bought mattress and various kitchen items as well as small TV. She bought some items from guy whose apartment she took over and she and her grad school roommate bought some living room things from IKEA. She did take her childhood dresser that we were using for storage with her. With younger d we bought mattress and IKEA dresser and night table. She had small TV from suite style dorm room from sophomore year and some kitchen things that she had previously bought or I had bought for her, like toaster oven or Brita water pitcher. Her current bathroom garbage pail is one that we had bought at a Target when older d did a summer program in high school and her dorm did not provide and that was in my laundry room as an extra garbage pail. They are always welcome to “shop” in my Costco storage area when home for extra boxes of tissues, toothpaste, whatever or if I know they’ll be home I’ll ask if I can pick up anything that they might want from Trader Joe’s. </p>
<p>I think it is terrific that your son has graduated and found a job! Many college students would love to be in his position. Be happy for him and try to keep in mind that boys of this age are not known for their tact or diplomacy. If you are in a position to assist him with his first apartment, I would ask him what he would like you to purchase. That seems to be the most direct and conflict free approach.</p>
<p>First apartments tend not to last a long time, and I think it’s overkill to furnish them with good/new stuff. There is a huge amount of perfectly good used furniture available in the world, and most neighborhoods where 20-somethings have their first apartments also have more than one used furniture store. That’s how my wife and I furnished our first apartments (and house, to a large extent), and we still have and use a number of items we acquired that way.</p>
<p>Over the years, we got some wonderful furniture gifts from our parents, and we gave some to ourselves, but we appreciated it much more when we knew we were living in a “permanent” home, and wouldn’t have to move it when our lease came up or we changed our minds about our jobs.</p>
<p>I know this is not a universally shared idea. I have friends who have spent thousands on new furniture for their kids’ first apartments. I think they are nuts.</p>
<p>Congratulations to you and your son! I guess I find the whole “moving out on my own” thing our kids do really fun and exciting. I’m not the slightest bit hurt that both of mine wanted to move out as soon as possible. I am, on the other hand, really glad that one lives only an hour away, and the other, six hours. No flying across the country anymore, like we had to do for college and grad school.
But his own apartment! What a great time this is for him. You should be proud.<br>
And a bedroom set and chair is generous, imo. If you have any older pots and pans (we did) that are just cluttering up the kitchen, or any old dish sets that you’re not using, I’d offer those, but not worry about buying anything new. Let him do that in his own time.<br>
And again, congrats! Unless he was intentionally rude in his comments, I’d let it go and assume he was just eager to be independent. They have no idea that their transitions are also transitions for us, and sometimes we need a little adjustment time.( And mom, you had his college years to adjust. Be happy.) </p>
<p>Whatever you do don’t go out and buy something without him. When DH got his first apartment his mom went out and bought him a bedroom set, living room set and kitchen table and chairs without him… while the idea was nice it wasn’t what either of us would have chosen… it was years before I was able to get rid all of it…</p>