<p>My son participates in a sport with his best friend. His mother and I take turns driving. I am becoming more and more irritated because this boy is always, always late. He usually takes my turning up at his house as a clue that maybe he should think about getting ready. This has been going on for several years. When the other mother is driving, my son is always out front with his equipment, waiting for them (and they are usually late). I hate being late, partly just because I hate being late in general, and partly because this is a very expensive sport and losing 15 minutes out of a 1.25 hour lesson is significant. </p>
<p>I should say that I love this boy and his mother. They are the loveliest, kindest, warmest people around. I have asked the boy a couple of times to be ready on time so that we are not late for the lesson. He says that he will, and I am sure that he means it, but nothing changes. I am sure that he gets to school on time every morning, so it should be possible for him to be ready when I get there. </p>
<p>Oh, I have tried having my son call him 5 minutes before we get there to say that we’re on the way. I have tried texting him myself. Nothing works.</p>
<p>I’m like you - I HATE being late for things. I like showing up early, actually. I think if it were me, I would explain what you did - that losing 15 minutes of the lessons is just not working for you. I would say, “You know I love you, but I can’t keep waiting for you. In the future, NYSon will call you when we’re on our way over, and if you’re not coming out the door when we get there, we’ll have to leave without you.” And then DO it. You’ll be doing him a huge favor if he can train himself to be ready.</p>
<p>If this doesn’t work, you might have to skip the carpooling.</p>
<p>He’s not going to change. You even mentioned that when it is their turn to drive, they are late picking up your son. Being late is normal for that family.</p>
<p>I think you’re going to have to find a gracious way to suggest you no longer carpool. Only you know if following the suggestion already posted will put a strain in your relationship with the mother.</p>
<p>There is no solution except not carpooling. You can make it your fault. “I know I’m probably a little OCD on the subject, but I just hate not getting places with time to spare.” I have been known to lie about start times for people who are habitually late. Our son used to tell us concerts started 15 minutes earlier than they really did because he got so tired of my husband being late. I have a cousin who is so late that if you don’t have a cocktail hour built into your dinner party plans you must tell her to come at least half an hour earlier.</p>
<p>I hate being late, but I also am apt to cut it close, so if I run into traffic I get in trouble. I’m very good about calling if I am running late to a meeting.</p>
<p>MaineLonghorn, I know that your suggestion makes sense, but I could not bring myself to do it. It would not fit in with the relationships we have with this family, we are mutually supportive and they’ve helped me out a lot, and I’ve done the same for them. I can’t take a hard line and leave the kid behind. And my son would be horrified if I did. </p>
<p>The lesson is far enough away that it would be a real burden to do all the driving. And there is a built-in social component because the boys have dinner together afterward, either at one of our houses or out. </p>
<p>I’m probably going to have to either tell the kid every time that he needs to be ready, and say something to him when we’re late because of him (i.e., you boys are 15 minutes late, XX, you really need to be ready at the specified time), or give up and accept the situation. </p>
<p>Or I could try talking to the mother. She is very relaxed about time, but very conscious of the cost of the activity.</p>
<p>Would your son feel comfortable saying something to him? Like for instance, my mom is really upset I’m missing practice time because we have been late. Could you maybe be ready a little earlier so she doesn’t think we’re wasting money? Do they have a pretty close relationship?</p>
<p>You could be describing my childhood best friend. Even today, when I’m in his city and we are scheduled to get together, I will call him at the designated meeting time and he will tell me “I just have to one more thing and then I’ll be ready to come over” </p>
<p>The irony is that I married a woman with same habit. I like to say “I spent the first half of my life waiting for BFF and the second half waiting for DW”.</p>
<p>How far away does the kid live? Can you send your son over early to get the boy ready? </p>
<p>Or could you just show up 15 minutes early?</p>
<p>Or could you go into the house, gather his stuff up and he can get ready in the car as you drive or when you get there? </p>
<p>People who are chronically late are being disrespectful of your time, the coach’s time, the other child’s time, and of your money. If lessons are $50/hour (and I’d expect they’re probably more), 15 minutes is costing you $12.50 every time the child is late being ready. That’s a lot of money, and it adds up quickly.</p>
<p>We had someone like that in a carpool for a few months. I finally just said I could not drive them anymore. And that was that. There were five families in the carpool. Four were fine and all wanted to ditch the fifth. It was for a group where being late was a HUGE issue. Not worth the headache.</p>
<p>And just for the record…it was a long drive I would have made without a carpool if my kids had been subject to being late all the time. </p>
<p>P.S. in my opinion…it is NOT being mutually supportive to run late all the time. Sorry…it isn’t.</p>
<p>And I do agree with others. Chronically late people do NOT realize or care that they are inconveniencing others. We have a couple of family members like this. They are late for everything and think its fine. My MIL is chronically late…and I believe is still irritated with me for NOT allowing her to enter a recital hall in the middle of the first piece of a recital. She just had to wait until the end of the piece. It is RUDE to be late like that, sorry it is.</p>
<p>If you want to continue to carpool with this family, you will likely have to accept that you are going to be late every time they are involved. </p>
<p>It’s been going on for several years, and you haven’t discussed this with the Mom?</p>
<p>You’ve ruled out not carpooling, and leaving him behind a few times, then you need to speak with the son and the Mom. The only other option is for you to arrive earlier at his house so he has time then to get ready and you still get to practice.</p>
<p>On the day they are picking your son up and they are late the two of you can leave to get your son there on time. Maybe that will make an impression on the Mom that she needs to get to your house earlier.</p>
<p>Definitely way past time for discussion. Doesn’t the coach have anything to say when these 2 boys are always late?</p>
<p>It sounds like you have tried talking to the kid… but now it is time to talk with the mom. Let her know you have been trying to work it out with her son, but not seeing any progress, and ask if she can help make sure he is ready on time. Not sure what you can do about her being late picking your son up… except making a comment that maybe she is having the same issue when trying to get her son out the door when it is her turn to drive, so maybe he needs to start earlier no matter who is driving.</p>
<p>If you can’t do that, then you either have to drive or live with it. You are as much of a doormat as you allow yourself to be…</p>
<p>I would have my kid gather up his own stuff, go to their home very early, and have my kid get ready THERE while the other kid does, too.</p>
<p>My MIL is chronically late…and I believe is still irritated with me for NOT allowing her to enter a recital hall in the middle of the first piece of a recital. She just had to wait until the end of the piece. It is RUDE to be late like that, sorry it is.</p>
<p>lol…Thumper… My H’s family could have used YOU at two family weddings. My MIL is always late. Here she was, MOTHER OF THE GROOM, and TWICE she arrived DURING the wedding. They waited as long as they could for her to arrive. Then DURING the ceremonies there was this “clack clack clack” of my MIL’s high heels as she scooted up the aisle.</p>
<p>So rude.</p>
<p>(For our wedding, we did most pictures first, and told her that she had to be there earlier than actually needed.)</p>
<p>how old?..does your son and his friend have cell phones?.If so, easy solution, have your son text when you are leaving stating you will be there in xxx minutes and to be ready.</p>
<p>I missed that part. Unacceptable…so basically the kid waits until the car pulls up to get ready even though he was texted ahead of time when OP is arriving? Dump him.</p>
<p>No, he does not get ready when the car pulls up. He starts to think about getting ready after someone (usually my son, me today) gets out of the car, goes up on the porch, rings the doorbell, goes into the house.</p>
<p>I often get there 10 mins early, so they are not usually late, or very late, when I drive. But I don’t particularly like having to get there early, either!</p>
<p>Given the situation that you describe and that MaineLonghorn’s suggestion is not an option (best idea though), I think really your only choice is to show up 15 minutes early to the other boy’s house every time. Assuming he starts getting ready when you arrive, you’ll at least be at the lesson on time. </p>
<p>Personally, I think what these people are doing is very rude. If the other mom is as nice and sweet as you say she is, she’ll probably change if you just kindly say something like:</p>
<p>“We really need to talk. I totally know you don’t mean to do this, but we are always late for practice because either you pick up my son late, or your son isn’t ready to go when we arrive. This is really, really bothering me. It just seems like you don’t care about our feelings, but I then realized I haven’t really told you how badly this upsets me. Do you have any ideas on how we could rectify the situation so that we arrive at the lesson on time?”</p>