<p>I always found it funny when my mother would want me and my college and grad school girlfriends to sleep in separate rooms because we were sleeping together every night in college or sharing an apartment in grad school. In contrast, my in-laws were brilliant (and I think particularly FIL). I visited them two months after I met my now wife at their country house for a 50th birthday for MIL and they just pointed us to a room. He wanted to keep his kids close in their college/young adult years. He rented a condo in Maui for 3 weeks and said, “Here’s a ticket for each of my kids if they want to come. There’s a bedroom for you and you can bring a spouse, significant other, or friend. I won’t question sleeping arrangements. The spouse, significant other, or friend has to pay his/her way there (not clear on spouse) and I’ll pick up the rest of the expenses.” </p>
<p>We felt much more comfortable staying with them and not playing this hypocritical pretend game that we’d played with my parents or that I’d played with other gf’s parents. </p>
<p>When faced with this situation, I will let them sleep together if they want to. I’d just ask my child whether he/she and the SO will feel more with the SO sleeping in the same room or a different room. </p>
<p>If they are already sleeping together, I’d say why pretend, when pretending seems hypocritical or ostrich-like? We’ve got your comfort and theirs to deal with, but lololu, I wouldn’t assume that the girl would feel more uncomfortable sleeping together than playing pretend. I’d say, treat them like adults and ask what they’d prefer unless it really bothers you to do so.</p>
<p>“Pretend game”? The question is not about pretending, as everyone involved knows exactly what is happening. It is rather a question of simple and pure courtesy. If the parents prefer that the unmarried couples stay apart in sleeping at the parents house, why is it so difficult to respect that desire? Common courtesy. Why make the parents stressed and uncomfortable? They surely know the score, but prefer a more comfortable set of arrangements under their own noses. Can the 21 years olds not respect that comfort? Why grind your hosts noses into what they clearly are uncomfortable with? The sefl-righteous ego of some people . . .</p>
<p>Had this discussion yesterday. Dating for 8 months. S wanted her to stay in his room. I said we will give her the guest room. Both D’s felt she would be more comfortable having her own space. What happens after I go to bed is as someone else said DADT. We have a large house and the kids and guest bedroom are not at my end of the house.</p>
<p>I don’t care if they are sleeping together or not, it is just that any guest in my house is offered the chance to have a little privacy. If she is his room she has no way of “getting away” He knows he can go to the basement, the garage whatever. She has only the space I provide for her. If I provide her only a place where she always has him hanging around I feel like I have been inhospitable in providing everything that she may need. She is not just his bed companion, she is a person with her own needs and one of those is the need to get away with dignity.</p>
<p>I’m 22 and a senior at college. I don’t have a boyfriend but a few of my girl friends have boyfriends and visit their boyfriend’s families somewhat regularly. </p>
<p>Small-town midwest boyfriend’s family requests that they stay in separate rooms (she gets his bed, he gets the couch in the family room) and girlfriend says she prefers it that way–she senses that the traditional family would be uncomfortable with them sharing a room, and doesn’t want to ruffle any feathers. For a few days, who cares.</p>
<p>Big city Texas boyfriend’s family doesn’t care about the sleeping arrangements and also has a spare room. Sometimes they sleep together in his room; sometimes together in the guest room; sometimes separately. The family didn’t make a big deal out of it so neither did the couple.</p>
<p>I for one would feel tremendously awkward if I brought my (hypothetical future) boyfriend home to meet my family and he slept in my room with me. I guess we could be considered hypocritical and ostrich-like (that’s intended to be sincere, not snide) because I’m sure my family would know what’s up with the boyfriend while we’re at school (assuming we’d behave like my friends do, which I bet we would). But to me, it just seems like common courtesy I guess. And if I went to visit his family, unless I got pretty loud and clear vibes it was OK to share a room with him, I’d insist on sleeping elsewhere (couch/air mattress fine by me!).</p>
<p>This is not yet an issue in our house, but I have been amused reading this thread. Something to look forward to, I guess. Nope, my husband will say NO WAY.</p>
<p>I also feel like this is a difference in social behaviors between sons and daughters.
I know that if I or if any of my girl friends hypothetically brought our boyfriends home for an overnight stay, the parents have a “protect my daughter’s virtue” mentality, and want to automatically separate their daughters from their boyfriends at night. </p>
<p>I don’t know if having a son really makes a difference, but I do believe that if parents are okay with their son sharing a room with his respective girlfriend, then they are more relaxed with their son’s activities.</p>
<p>Something tells me that the girlfriend didn’t request for this rooming arrangement herself. I know that if I was dating someone and potentially staying over at my boyfriend’s house, I would want to give a great impression. I’m pretty sure that your son would have requested this independent of her, and if she knew, she’d be mortified by what you thought of her. I know I would feel…sort of like a skank?</p>
<p>^^^ Yeah, you really have no way of knowing what their relationship REALLY is. This could your son’s wishful thinking. If she is in the guest room he can invite her into his room, she can invite him into her room, but the choice is there.</p>
<p>There are a lot of things I can imagine my son does/will do at college that are not on the approved list in my house…and I would hope he would never think to ask me if he could do them in my living room/bedroom/or garage! I hope I don’t need to turn my home into a frat house for him to feel comfortable visiting me!</p>
<p>Also, there are younger children in my house to be considered.</p>
<p>In my opinion, that feeling of “uncomfortable” that we all “vaguely” seem to have but try to squelch as old fashioned is called a CONSCIENCE! When did that go out of fashion? Geez. I HATE when people apologize for having morals! Any chance the girlfriend will ADMIRE a nice family she might want to marry into some day?</p>
<p>I am not uncomfortable with unmarried adults sleeping together (intelligently), so I wouldn’t find it disrespectful for young adults who are sleeping together elsewhere to sleep together under my roof. But, I would ask them what they’d prefer. If the girlfriend wants to sleep separately, that would work for me as well. If it makes you uncomfortable, you’ve got to be clear. </p>
<p>However, when people slide from “I am not comfortable with my children having premarital sex in my house” to jrpar’s DADT and the kabuki dance that the kids do of getting together after the parents go to sleep and then separating later, I think we’re now talking about something different than respecting the parents’ wishes. I’m a whole lot more comfortable with the former (“no sex in my house”) than with the latter (“have sex if you must and I know you will but don’t let me see it happening”). </p>
<p>kellybkk, if you don’t want them to have sex in your house, say so. I respect that. I’m baffled about why one would prefer DADT / kabuki dance to either clear, direct, honest communication one way or another. What do you find self-righteously egotistical about that? </p>
<p>I want my kids to talk openly and honestly about what is going on with their lives even if they know it is not something I would like. I’ve been very clear that dishonesty is far worse than the other things they could do. My son earlier this evening came by and said, “We’re going over to X’s house. When we go there, we’re likely to drink. Y is going with me and won’t drink. He’ll drive me home and if he leaves before I do, I’ll stay there overnight.” I said, “Thanks for telling me.” He later came back in and said, “We’ve decided to go sledding instead.” I’d rather there be no drinking but I’d also rather have the honesty. He did tell me about a music festival he was going to attend last summer and said he had a ride with Z, whom he suspected might bring drug paraphernalia. I said, that makes me uncomfortable because if the car gets stopped on the way, you could get in legal trouble even though you’ve done nothing wrong. He made some calls and got a ride a day later with someone who wouldn’t carry potentially problematic stuff. But, I only get my input if he knows he can be honest with me.</p>
<p>Except the OP said she didn’t have a moral issue with it. People often feel uncomfortable not because of morals but social norms, and well, just not wanting to think their kids have sex. </p>
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<p>What does nice and admirable have to do with anything? Oy. I know plenty of very well adjusted, happy, healthy families that would not have an issue with this situation (and just as many well adjusted, happy, healthy families where the parents would object).</p>
<p>Intellectually, I can agree with Shawbridge, but for whatever reason, I am just not comfortable with it. And I completely understand the DADT view. </p>
<p>A million years ago my parents offered to let my fiance (now husband) and I share a room while we were visiting them, but WE didn’t feel comfortable doing that - we were 25. I was impressed that my parents offered so you would think that that 25 years later I would feel differently than I do, but I guess not.</p>
<p>So, for this visit, the guest room it will be.</p>
<p>No drama at our house on this issue.
DS has brought 2 different college GFs home over last several years.
When he mentioned that ‘Sally’ was joining him for a visit home, I said that would be great, she’s welcome to use the TV room pull out couch and bathroom there.
If those arrangements weren’t acceptable to him, he wouldn’t have to accept the offer.</p>
<p>DS probably has had different arrangements while at school but none of us including DS think it is a problem to have separate beds for a night or two. These are dating couples with relationships in varying stages, not married couples. Also, our younger DD doesn’t necessarily need to have casual cohabitation in her own home as a role model…just our opinion of course. Not something we would promote for her at her age/development level.</p>
<p>I’m with shawbridge and alwaysamom. While I do think the parents make the rules for their own home and if they are only comfortable with separate rooms, that it is up to them what to allow in their home. However, it does seem a bit silly to me if you already know the couple sleeps together to not allow them to do so when visiting at home. Sure, they can respect that you want separate rooms. But I don’t really see the point. And just because they share a room, it doesn’t mean they have sex while visiting. It does seem kind of “pretend”-like to say they can’t sleep together even though you know they really do when on their own (for adults, I mean, not teens). </p>
<p>Back in the day, when my husband came to meet my family after we were engaged, my parents made him sleep in a separate bedroom. Of course we respected it but it was silly. After they went to bed, we were in the same bedroom for a while. At my future in-laws’ house, before and after the engagement, we could stay in the same bedroom. There was no silly dance of pretending. </p>
<p>While my young adult daughters haven’t had a boyfriend come to stay at our home, if they did, and I know they do sleep together in their own city, I would allow them to share a bedroom here.</p>
<p>Also, by not allowing a young adult couple whom you know regularly sleep together where they live to then do so in your home, it gives a message of disapproval. I surely do not disapprove of my daughters sleeping with boyfriends with whom they share an ongoing relationship.</p>
<p>In my family the SO would not be coming to stay at all unless it were an emergency, which has happened. My fiance is not allowed into my bedroom at night because my mom doesn’t feel it’s appropriate to have an unrelated male on the sleeping floor while my little sister is home. However, in the event that he was here for the night, now that we are engaged she wouldn’t care if we slept together as long as we were on a separate floor from my sister. Before we were engaged she would have cared and it would not have been allowed. It’s definitely a personal decision, everyone feels differently about things like this.</p>
<p>I have been invited to stay overnight at fiance’s parents place and I won’t do it. Personally, I think it’s inappropriate unless there is no other option. I would not sleep with him in their home unless we were officially married, either, if I had to stay over I would stay in a separate room. I am personally kind of shocked that this discussion would come up over a girlfriend of three months, I would be worried about the kind of impression I’d be making on the parents that early into the relationship.</p>
<p>If the couple lives together in the other city and had done so for some time, I might think differently. I mean, if Brad and Angelina came to visit me, I’d put them in the same bedroom.</p>
<p>Okay…an honest question (in other words I am not asking this to make a point, but for discussion purposes).</p>
<p>If you know your son/daughter drinks at school, do you offer them alcohol when they visit home? Or host parties with their friends where liquor is served because that is something you know they do anyway? Is it different because it is illegal?</p>
<p>(by the way, elle, i agree it would be different if they lived together, and were not just “casually” dating, but ideally I wouldn’t want that to happen, either!)</p>
<p>I would not have a problem with it. I would leave the decision to my sons, although I have a feeling that they would probably be creeped out by the thought. Older S (28) will not drink in front of us, even though we have never cared about and he has always been sensible. He just says he can’t do it. </p>
<p>I remember when H & I were engaged. No question of sharing a room, although the subject was never discussed. At his folks house, he came to me (I was sleeping in his room) as soon as his parents left the house. At my folks house, I went to him as soon as everyone was asleep and then later returned to my own bed. </p>
<p>We’ve always been open-minded parents, and since we have no moral objection to it, I would leave the decision to the kids. However, I do subscribe to the view that it’s your house and you make the rules. Those would be mine.</p>