<p>I don’t know if this is the right forum for this- moderator-please move this if necessary.</p>
<p>I’m hoping for some pearls of wisdom here. S1 just returned home after finishing his sophomore year and his longtime girlfriend (over 3 and 1/2 years) has said that she may need some “space”. This is his 1st and only love so far. We like her. They have been a sweet couple and seemed to manage being apart from one another while at school. We always knew that he would take this very hard if it happened. He is a serious, very loyal soul. Nobody is the “bad guy” here. And it doesn’t seem to matter what the reason is . I understand that this is life and they are too young to be so serious. I need to know what to say to help him. I am trying to listen as much as he will talk but I feel ill-equipped. I must say that I’m glad she waited until after finals were over. Any thoughts?</p>
<p>no, they started dating in HS in the beginning of 11th grade and went to different colleges. 5 hours away but they managed to visit occasionally.</p>
<p>I would show support for both. You are treading in water, and if they get back together more permanently, you don’t’ want to regret saying anything inappropriate. ex: I can’t believe her, what is she doing, she has no idea what shes lost, etc…</p>
<p>I would encourage a summer to try something different. Is it to late say to try a college level teen tour (rein for example) where they go to Costa Rica? A trip, an extended visit with family somewhere different?</p>
<p>He shouldn’t feel like he needs to hang on to what could be, nor should he feel the need to find a new girlfriend, but maybe encourage him to find out what the boundaries will be. Daily texting? phonecalls? posting of pictures and plans on facebook? After such a long history, while it maybe ok just to say, I am done, I would think that maybe they should be encouraged to find the boundaries so they can remain friends.</p>
<p>Going to different colleges is tough on a relationship…any relationship. I can remember coming home from college with the excited feeling of getting together with my high school friends, but it was just so different to be with them after so much time away. Our points of reference were different, experiences were different. It just wasn’t the same anymore. And as you grow, your tastes in life change, and that is all part of life.</p>
<p>It is so hard to see your kids wrestle with a girlfriend problem. Good luck to you.</p>
<p>It is clear she is taking this very hard too. My son said she was crying and she seemed confused as to what she wants. We will show support to each but of course when you are the one being dumped it is much worse- no control. I like the idea about planning out what the boundries will be but at this point he looks like there has been a death in the family and he is so very sad.</p>
<p>I just sent you a PM. Any breakup, but especially the first one, is a loss that takes time to accept and grieve over. Right now he probably just needs a hug and the knowledge that you’re there for him in whatever way feels right to both of you.</p>
<p>My money is on the girl has met someone else. She is crying because she feels bad and is confused.</p>
<p>I wouldn’t bad mouth the girl, but I would encourage him to move on. My D1 had a few big fights with her boyfriend, few of them were close to a breakup. I tend to just listen. The only time I offer anything up is when she starts to blame herself. Many young people’s self esteem gets crushed during a breakup, especially if you are a dumpee. I would just make sure your son understand it’s not his fault, he is still a good person, and it’s not a reflection on him.</p>
<p>I think setting up boundaries is a good idea.</p>
<p>I agree with Oldfort that the best you can do is just support your son and make sure that he knows he is not to blame. Make sure to let him know that you know he is hurting and try to encourage him to participate in activities he likes and to spend time with friends during this hard time.</p>
<p>My older DD had her first heartbreak as a sophomore in hs and my poor DH (who had attended an all boys boarding school in hs) kept asking me how he could “fix” it for her. She walk around crying at the drop of a hat for a couple of weeks and poor Dad just wanted to make it better! One funny story during this time was that we went to Disneyland for the day. DD was suppose to go there with the ex, so she was teary all day. DH kept telling her “this is the happiest place on earth!”</p>
<p>It doesn’t have to necessarily be someone else. My daughter is grappling with ending a relationship with a young man whom she adores, as do we. They are compatible, mutually supportive, wonderful together. The reason she is considering ending the relationship is because of his parents. They are intrustive beyond what my daughter considers tolerable and she wants to think that through and end it now while she still can if she can’t find a way to resolve that. The parents are just horrible to their son, as well, which is very hard to witness. So who knows what might be going on with OP’s girlfriend. She may not be a cheater.</p>
<p>I ended a four-year relationship as a sophomore in college. Nobody else was in the picture; we were just headed different places.</p>
<p>My mother handled it all wrong, basically taking my ex’s side. It was horrible. Just be there and supportive without saying anything negative (or too positive) about the ex as they may end up back together.</p>
<p>maybe they are growing up and finding out a bit more of who they are. i think it’s a healthy “space” that everyone should appreciate for what it is. maybe she wants some time to stand on her own to see what she can do and what she is made of. nothing to be gained by speculating on “cheating” or other influences. she has probably been dependent on your son since the relationship is long-term. maybe she truly needs some time to be who she is. or to at least figure out who she is–on her own.</p>
<p>Nobody is too young to feel very serious and take it very hard. As a matter of fact I think people of they age feel more strongly and are more easily blinded by feelings than older more experienced people. This will take him about 6-12 months to get over–even if he meets somebody new (which is about the best cure short of her coming back which is unlikely for a couple years anyway).</p>
<p>My HS Junior son is very much like yours. Very loyal to his GF since 8th grade. She is a lovely girl and they are very cute together.</p>
<p>I am dreading the day either of them feel they need more space. Although I know it will (probably) happen and be for the best, it will be very difficult for them both because they are who they are.</p>
<p>Actually, I wouldn’t be surprised if they broke up and got together several years later. At that point, we will all know that it was “true love.” It will just be hard to move on in the beginning. </p>
<p>So many of us have gone through this. I have very sweet memories of my JH & HS (same person!) sweetheart and I was heartbroken when we broke up (I can’t even remember who did the breaking up!). We grow up and move forward with our lives. </p>
<p>I appreciate reading everyone’s thoughts.</p>
<p>Wishing you and your son all the best in getting through this phase of life.</p>
<p>I am sorta with Oldfort on this one - although DD’s experience last year with a break-up is coloring my objectivity. I also believe that we can’t underestimate just how devastating this is to these young people, particularly those who are sincere and loyal. </p>
<p>I found the best tack with my daughter was to listen and sympathize, but corral my tendency to give uplifting platitudes. It also didn’t help to tell her that I remembered how badly I felt when something similar happened to me - hey, I’ve been married to her dad since forever, so how could someone have broken my heart. </p>
<p>What hurt her the most was the deception and the feeling that other people knew before she did. It has been 6 months and she has been dating someone else, but occasionally she will still have a meltdown when she sees her ex with someone else. I really don’t think she would want him back, but she is embarrassed and doesn’t know how to act. </p>
<p>Just be thankful they are not at the same college. </p>
<p>Big virtual hug to you, truly it hurts you just as much as it hurts him (although they can’t possibly know that).</p>
<p>DS had a first-hand experience about how hard it would be to keep a long distance relationship. During the period of 1+ years after the graduation, they seem to be slowly drifted apart. It appears that it is mostly the girl who initiated the break-up, but after several months of “cool-down” period, both agreed at it in the end. DS did feel bad for about a semester or so afterwards. He has not committed to another relationship after that. He kind of said that it would be a long time before he might consider pursuing another relationship. I wonder whether it is because of this not-so-pleasant experience. We believe that, if they go to the same college, it is likely they still maintain their relationship today. </p>
<p>Well…at least it was a mutually-agreed-upon break-up, rather than an ugly one. Maybe another reason is that they were not as deeply involved as the S of OP. They might see each other for, say, a dozen times only over 1-2 years.</p>
<p>The last time they met each other might be for 10 minutes only, at the girl’s college while DS was back in town. He spent much more time with his (male) friends from high school that time.</p>
<p>Well, I let my son sleep late today since I know he couldn’t fall asleep until late last night. He’s seems ok although not his usual self. He asked to take the car to out but not with a destination in mind . He took a couple of books with him and he may end up at a nice park to hopefully relax. He didn’t call any of his friends. </p>
<p>We will see him through this and I appreciate all the advice offered. </p>
<p>We have always liked this girl and we like her family as well. They are warm and friendly. They clearly like our son. The feeling is definately mutual as we have had them over several times for Holiday events etc. I am sure they feel for the kids at this time too. Of course I can’t call. It is not my place and there is nothing to say but it does feel strange.</p>
<p>We just went through this with my son about a year and a half ago. They had been together 2 1/2 years. She was SO clingy before they went off to college. Then bam, 2 weeks into the first semester freshman year, she TEXTS him (after we had just dropped her off after taking her out to dinner) saying she thinks they need to take a break. That started the longest 4 months of my life since his heart had just been broken and he was miserable at his school. </p>
<p>Just make sure you are available to listen to him any time of the day or night. I had so many middle of the night texts and calls from my son. I would get up and help him through whatever emotions he was dealing with at the time. We would also go on IM so he didn’t disturb his roommate. There really isn’t a whole lot you can say, but as others have said, support him and be ready to listen. And it wasn’t another guy right away for her either. I think coming from a somewhat sheltered life, she was now away and on her own with a big new exciting world for her to explore.</p>
<p>Give your son a hug and if you want to chat, just PM me!</p>
<p>Better that the GF decides she wants some space now than after they’ve been married for six months or six years. My advice to parents is not to get too attached to GFs or BFs, especially the HS variety. It’s tough enough on kids to deal with a break-up; they shouldn’t also have to be feeling bad that their parents are disappointed or feeling bad about it.</p>
<p>And while I agree that you shouldn’t minimize a child’s sadness or grief over a break-up, I also think it’s important to point out to the child that unfortunately, few people get through life without experiencing and living through this kind of situation and pain. It’s not the kid’s fault and the kid is not the only person that has had this happen – unfortunately.</p>
<p>DS’s first love broke up with him last year just before his senior prom. Her stated reason was that she needed to “find herself”, and since she “didn’t want to hurt him”, she said they could just take a break. Over the next five weeks, life was pretty miserable for him. The day before his graduation, he told her that they either needed to be together or make a clean break. She opted for the clean break. </p>
<p>A week later, she called wanting him back. After much discussion she admitted that “taking a break” to “find herself” apparently translated to going out with one of his good friends, and taking things a bit too far. Once she found out the grass really wasn’t greener, she wanted him back. He actually felt so deeply for her that he was considering it. He really felt that marriage might be in the future many years down the road.</p>
<p>After much waffling and lots of tears on his part, I felt the need to intervene. I told him that “courtship” was much like a job interview. During an interview, you expect the applicant to show you their very best. Likewise, during courtship people tend to treat their partners the best they will ever treat them. When I told him that, he immediately made his decision and has never looked back.</p>
<p>Many of you might say that I should not have interfered. However, I know that he appreciated my input then, and appreciates it even more now that time has healed his broken heart.</p>
It will just be hard to move on in the beginning. </p>