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<p>hayden, #438 - I think your post is really interesting. After inadvertently hurting Consolation’s feelings, it’s probably best for me to just read along rather than post here. </p>
<p>All, I hope you didn’t think I meant to criticize you in any way whatsoever. I just meant that I had a different understanding of the term, nothing more than that. Please, comment away!</p>
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<p>I think there’s just as much pressure for a guy to ante up for a big ring (the size/$$ figure may be different across economic groups) in working class groups as in upper-middle class groups. In fact, in the neighborhood where I grew up (working class), if you didn’t have an engagement ring, people would think something was amiss. My D who definitely lives in an upper-middle class world didn’t have an engagement ring and didn’t want one. She and her boyfriend decided to just get a diamond wedding band. </p>
<p>People do draw lines in the sand with loved ones all the time. Here are examples:</p>
<ul>
<li>Staying in a certain city to be close to one side / enable one person to pursue a certain career, versus moving elsewhere</li>
<li>Raising the children in a certain religion</li>
<li>Saving / allocating money in certain ways (saving for a house, a special vacation, supporting relatives, etc.)</li>
</ul>
<p>^^^Isn’t marriage a whole bunch of expectations? How those expectations are “respected,” not necessarily met will impact the happiness of the marriage more than almost anything else. Sometimes expectations simply cannot be met (“we can’t afford THAT house”) but they should always be addressed. The silent, suffering spouse who doesn’t have an equal voice is the saddest meme.</p>
<p>On that we agree for sure. :)</p>
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<p>Exactly. That being my entire point.</p>
<p>You don’t think it is a slur to say, essentially, if your husband wasn’t so shallow and insecure, he would have chosen someone else, someone with substance (which is not you)? That’s about the most insulting thing you can say to a person! </p>
<p>Don’t mean to provoke an argument here but calling someone a trophy wife is a giant slur to both parties. May fit in some instances, but it certainly is a loaded word.</p>
<p>I don’t think it’s a slur to the woman. </p>
<p>In my experience most “trophy wives” are the second wives of men going through midlife crises. They are often significantly younger and more attractive than the women who were with their husbands through the lean early years, birth and raising of children, etc. They usually know the deal. There is something very transactional about these relationships–they too are getting the “trophy” of a wealthier, more established spouse than they would find in their own age range. They get to skip over the crappy first apartment and ramen every night while the husband is (or both of them are) in grad school. Sometimes they want to start a family with the guy but that comes at a cost too, as he will be significantly older than the other dads in their stage of life.</p>
<p>Do most trophy wives stick around when the older spouse gets up in years and becomes ill or informed?</p>
<p>No.</p>
<p>I think it is a slur to both parties to say, “There’s something very transactional about your marriage.” Why not just assume they fell in love like anyone else? </p>
<p>all marriages are transactions</p>
<p>Ack autocorrect. Infirmed, not informed. ( though that typo made me smile) </p>
<p>I read parts of this thread but not sure I got all of it. The OP said her son’s GF didn’t want a diamond for fear it would be a blood diamond. I don’t think that is an unusual request at all and certainly not a demand. A friend who has children adopted from Africa pointed out to me the negatives about diamonds and that’s all it took for me. I don’t need diamonds and I don’t buy them anymore. I do still have some that I wear (including my grandmother’s engagement ring) but I just don’t buy more because I can’t know that they didn’t come at the expense of someone in Africa. However, I can’t tell if what you are wearing is a diamond or a CZ or old or new, so I don’t judge. </p>
<p>I have a friend who was crazy about animals and shopped with a list of products she wouldn’t buy because those companies tested on animals. Things you wouldn’t think about like tissues and baggies and soap. She knew it wouldn’t stop those companies, but she felt better not supporting them.</p>
<p>We all make decisions, big or small, that we have to live with. I do try to support the views of my friends, especially if it is easy for me.</p>
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<p>If it’s a stereotypical marriage of that type and the wife fits the stereotype…I’d think yes to gain spousal inheritance/benefits unless there was a serious prenup and it’s unlikely the older spouse will last beyond 7-10 years. </p>
<p>“So to ask for a ring is being callous, but to demand a woman to be at par educational or career wise is well thought of and acceptable.”</p>
<p>Callous isn’t the right word, but yeah, I see a difference between substance and surface here. An education and a career are achievements. They are part of who you are. What’s a diamond?</p>
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A very large diamond - part of your achievements. We can all get very hotie totie, but there is really no difference. Someone can be a very good mate without all of that educational or career achievements. Unless you don’t think all of those stay home parent raising those wonderful kids are marriage material.</p>
<p>As a college counselor you should know getting into a top tier school is not alway an “achievement,” it is often how much parents are willing to pay.</p>
<p>Wow, if you see no difference between a medical school diploma and a diamond as “achievements,” we are really not on the same page. I’m not letting the person with the biggest rock on her finger operate on me. </p>
<p>Nor do I view any reality TV star sporting a massive rock from this week’s fiancé as in any way comparable in “achievements” to an English professor, CEO, or scientist.</p>