<p>A bigger question for you all is WHY in this day and age is it incumbent upon the male to put up an expensive piece of bling as a good faith gesture for marriage? Shouldn’t the female have to put up a security deposit too? Women earn well nowadays.</p>
<p>I can appreciate a token gesture of sentiment. But why does it have to be big and expensive? Is this like flaunting an expensive handbag?</p>
<p>to quote DeborahT: “cats and dogs” :)</p>
<p>I suspect many couples forgo the expensive diamond. However, many women cherish their engagement rings and it is a tradition, just like many others. I know a lot of young men who put a lot of thought into the selection of the engagement ring, and are glad to be able to offer it to their fiancés. </p>
<p>“What about paying full freight for college, would that be misplaced sense of values? What about spending thousands on a bike, racing gears, motorcycle, expensive china, silver? I guess we would have our priorities straight if we have your (this is a big you) sense of values.”</p>
<p>Exactly. I can think of posters on here who spend lots of money on things I wouldn’t ever spend a lot of money on. Consolation’s got umpteen place sets of fine china – I’ve got one set with dust on it that I’ve seriously thought about selling. Cardinal Fang’s got umpteen different bicycles. MOWC spends a small fortune on racing gear that she looks awesome in :-). Different things bring people different amounts of pleasure / happiness and different people have different perspectives on what is something worth investing it. </p>
<p>Suppose oldfort’s daughter and boyfriend decided that instead of saving $xx for a diamond ring, they were going to save $xx and go on a blow-out honeymoon in an exotic destination. Would that be better? Worse? Either way, it’s only between the two of them.</p>
<p>I think guys are getting away cheap. We will be paying for the wedding and the wedding will cost more than the ring.</p>
<p>“Suppose oldfort’s daughter and boyfriend decided that instead of saving $xx for a diamond ring, they were going to save $xx and go on a blow-out honeymoon in an exotic destination.”</p>
<p>If the daughter said that she wouldn’t marry a man who didn’t treat her to the blow-out honeymoon, yes, I think the reaction would be similar. And unless I’m reading wrong, we aren’t talking about “they” saving for whatever luxury they want, we’re talking about the man paying for it alone.</p>
<p>@Hanna, you’re batting a 1.000 :)>- </p>
<p>This discussion reminds me of a recent Say Yes to the Dreas, where the bride demanded a certain ring and it took the groom either 11 or 12 years to buy it for her. I am reminded of the Biblical story of Jacob and Leah and Rachel (but without the extra bride.)</p>
<p>I think man pay for the honeymoon and woman pay for the wedding, at least in this country. </p>
<p>The wholt idea of an engagement ring “upgrade” is foreign to me. I mean, it’s not about the ring, it’s about the symbol. I would never ever want to change my engagement ring. It’s what my DH saved up and bought and it is not something disposable. </p>
<p>If and when the couple has more money and wants to buy an eternity band or a third ring that’s great. But why would you want to get rid of the ring he bought when he proposed? </p>
<p>I guess it goes without saying that the size of the diamond or stone is not relevant at all to me. Some of those girls with big bling might be wearing very poor quality but large stones and some with smaller stones might be wearing a meow valuable piece if it is higher quality. </p>
<p>I inherited my grandmothers ring. The diamond is so tiny you can hardly see it as they were dirt poor. But I love it and I would have worn it my whole life even if I won the lottery because of what it meant. </p>
<p>In Germany when the couple gets engaged, they pick out their wedding bands and wear them on the left hand. Then when they get married, they wear them on the right hand.</p>
<p>I truly think that a couple builds a life, starting small and growing. And I hope that the bride who is so concerned that someone would make a question that may never come re the question the blood diamond…or wants a big diamond…because she will wear it everyday of her life…run</p>
<p>But back to the halo setting….I have a smaller diamond that was given to me by my father in law. It is approximately 1/3 ct. It is also set into a men’s ring. I have thought about having it reset into a halo setting. I tried one on recently when my sister wanted to show me a ring that she and her husband are looking at for her. But at the moment, a new furnace is more pressing 
. Maybe for my birthday next year.</p>
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And why should a woman be walked down the aisle by her father (or parents)? And why should she be “given away”? Easy. As Tevye said, “Tradition!” </p>
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<p>YMMV on the fungible part. Whether the money is fungible depends on what types of assets, what state one happens to be in, and how the assets were used/misused by each spouse. </p>
<p>For instance, inheritances to individuals in a marriage in NY state isn’t considered marital property unless it becomes comingled by contributions/improvements by the other spouse according to a divorce attorney I helped find to work on a friend’s divorce case involving a greedy financially irresponsible spouse. </p>
<p>Thankfully, since most of said friend’s assets were gained prior to marriage and the spouse not only didn’t contribute to any improvements, but wasted a decent portion of them, the judge ended up ruling the wastage meant the other spouse wasn’t entitled to the remaining assets even under equitable distribution laws and was responsible for all the marital debts as they were all instigated by said spouse. </p>
<p>The friend ended up celebrating the ruling with us friends afterwards. </p>
<p>I don’t believe who pays for what is “written in stone” with regard to marriages in the US. For example, I know couples who paid for everything connected with their marriages. H & I paid for our guests and everything else, but had my parents and my inlaws pay for their guests. It worked out just fine for us. </p>
<p>In our marriage, we have liberally mingled our assets and have common ground about what purchases are good value vs. frivolous. H wanted to buy me a diamond engagement ring that was similar to those his friends gave their betrotheds, so just above a carat (1.01 carat), and excellent quality. I was fine with whatever he chose and have worn it all these decades since. We both got matching plain gold bands for our wedding rings.</p>
<p>It seems that the couple should agree on what they want for an engagement ring (and much more about other expensive purchases) if they are going to have a good marriage together. One or the other of the couple making unilateral decisions or demands may not be the strongest foundation for a solid marriage.</p>
<p>I just expect the guy to give a ring commensurate with their salary. My guess is that D, who plans be a lawyer, will probably marry another lawyer or professional who makes more or less the same salary. We tend to marry our peers, right? So, he should give her a ring within his means, assuming his means are comfortable enough for a nice ring. If she decides to marry a lawyer who is a public defender, then she’ll have to do with something less - that would be her choice. This is several years away, but I really don’t see D caring too much about “the” ring - she’s shown little interest in my jewelry and never asks to borrow anything. </p>
<p>When H asked me to marry him, he presented me with a lovely, conservative looking three stone ring set in yellow gold. Impeccable quality from a top jeweler. Let’s just say that he did not suffer financially whatsoever by making the purchase…it was a little disappointing, smallish and I didn’t like the three stone design. Whatever. I never said anything because I was marrying HIM and the ring was very, very secondary. A few years later, he admitted that he underwhelmed with the ring, and he has since more than made up for it with many other gifts of jewelry.</p>
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<p>I didn’t have an engagement ring–just a platinum wedding band. A few years ago, I was throwing out trash and didn’t know that there was a beehive in the trash bin. Needless to say the bees got me and my fingers/hand swelled up immediately. Went to the ER where the only option was to cut off the band to stop the swelling. That hurt more than the bee stings. There was no way to salvage the band.</p>
<p>Afterwards, my H said he wanted to buy me a diamond engagement ring and band. (Who am I to argue???) A friend of ours is a jeweler who works primarily in semi-precious stones. She called her stone dealer and he sent us to NYC to the diamond district to pick out the diamonds for the two rings.</p>
<p>My friend had several designs in mind before we went to get the diamonds and sent me a few drawings, but I trusted her to come up with something that would work for me. (She’d made other rings for me.) The result was spectacular. I love the rings and never take them off. I get tons of compliments. One thing I’ve noticed is that the people who do compliment me are usually “ring people” who are into jewelry and know about it. Most people don’t notice my rings and I’ve got lots of bling.</p>
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<p>I agree. While I truly didn’t even think about the ring until DH brought it up, I went with him to select the ring and loved it from day one. I still love it, not only for the sentimental value, but because I just think it is lovely.</p>
<p>@surfcity - I don’t think most women “upgrade” their original ring by getting rid of the original ring. My H gave me a totally different looking ring for our 10th anniversary - platinum with an emerald cut diamond. I still have my original three round stones set in yellow gold ring, and I would never consider “trading it in.” I wear both - the platinum set is dressier and the gold set is better for every day. Several years ago he also gave me a very wide (almost down to my knuckle) yellow gold band without any stones - I wear it more than either of the other rings because it is so bold and distinctive. </p>
<p>FWIW I never mix metal colors. </p>