<p>I just wanted to talk to someone, so I’m posting here. Not really asking for advice…S2 just told me something and I cant talk to S1 about it and it’s too late to call my friend.</p>
<p>S1 graduated college in May, he met a girl (not sure how, possibly facebook but she is local). She is only 19 or 20. She works at a daycare and isn’t in school. Not sure if she plans to or not. She seems nice enough and treats him well, helping pay for dinners out and stuff. He is currently laid off from the job he got after graduation. They seemed to get along well and I was glad because when he has a girl he doesn’t go out as much with the guys. I worry when he goes out with the guys because I’m afraid someone will decide they are ok to drive when they aren’t.</p>
<p>YES, he is too old for me to worry about, but when they still live home you notice when they haven’t come out and stuff. Can’t stop worrying just because they hit a certain age. Anyway, they seemed to get along so it was nice. She wasn’t what I would pick if I could choose (education/ job training) but whatever, it was a new relationship.</p>
<p>S2 is a junior. He knows of the girl from HS. He told me he didn’t like her and wouldn’t say why. Said it was personal. Today I mentioned that S1 hasn’t had girl over in a few days and maybe they broke up. He said they probably did. He told S1 that he could do better. He told me that girl was a “ho” in HS. His friends told him he should tell S1. I don’t think he told S1 about the “ho” part, but he told him something. That would explain why girl hasnt been around.</p>
<p>I feel bad for girl. Maybe she straightened out. She was younger than S2 so maybe his knowledge of her is a couple of years old. I feel bad because I think she really liked S1, she got tickets for a sporting event for them. I don’t think she has the same easy life my kids have (2 parents, nice house, spoiled) I feel bad for S1 if he actually liked her. I don’t know what S2 told him, and I don’t know what he told girl. Did he just tell her he didn’t want to see her? Is he avoiding her? Did he tell her that S2 said something to him? I’m pretty sure that if it’s over that it was his choice. She was so willing to come over anytime and even accepted him being able to go out places with the guys that she couldn’t go (under 21).</p>
<p>Its not the end of the world. I didn’t even want him to be with her because my dream is for him to fall in love with a teacher or a nurse (flexible careers with decent income). I just hate to see anybody get hurt and wanted to vent/talk. Thanks for listening…</p>
<p>I hope S1 didn’t just take S2’s word about her high school reputation. It’s very easy for rumors to start especially when kids are in high school and most of the time they aren’t true…</p>
<p>S2 had good friends who had close knowledge of her. For all I know he did! He did not tell for a while, so I don’t think he took telling lightly and would not have told on just gossip. I don’t know exactly what he even told S1, it might just have been vague, as in “I knew her in HS and you can do better”. S1 could probably guess. S2 didn’t want to talk to me too much about it, when he first told me he didn’t like her, and that he was surprised brother was with her, he only told me he didn’t like her for personal reasons. He wouldn’t say that based on rumors. He doesn’t want me to say anything to S1 (like I said, he might not have told him she was a “ho” he might have alluded to it without giving details) If he did, I hope S1 didn’t confront her. I think she was too young for him anyway, partly because of age and because he’s graduated college and she hasn’t started, don’t know if she plans to. </p>
<p>I feel bad for her, and for him, and I hope he doesn’t start going out a lot again. </p>
<p>This is so stupid. I should not know any of this. It’s not my problem but it’s the mom in me…we always want everybody to be happy.</p>
<p>Would you want someone to dump your son because they heard a rumor he was a jerk in high school?
He has a college degree but doesnt have a job and is living with his parents?</p>
<p>Speaking as someone who had a loose reputation in high school, because I misread the boy that I became involved with, I have to say that those reputations are rarely if ever deserved. Any girl that is halfway attractive, especially if curvy, gets talked about unfortunately.
Some boys talk about them even more if they get shot down, because their ego can’t take it.
Your son should mind his own beeswax.</p>
<p>“S2 had good friends who had close knowledge of her. For all I know he did!”</p>
<p>I only have sons but this story doesn’t sound right. I have to wonder if this is a ■■■■■. However just in case it’s not… Why is it fine for your son and his friends to have sex with her but she is called the ho?
and BTW This may be College Confidential but there is nothing wrong with working in a day care.</p>
<p>If you live in the area where this young woman lives, I’m sure there are PLENTY of rumors for both kids and the girl to hear. I’m sure folks notice who is being seen with whom and it wouldn’t take much for tongues to wag with truth and lies. I wouldn’t want any BF who would judge me on a HS rep, especially if it was mostly or totally untrue (even if it was and I had matured since then). If this young woman was really dumped by S1 because of rumors, it is HIS loss and he doesn’t deserve this young woman. </p>
<p>I hope she finds someone who will value her for the thoughtful, sweet, hardworking young person she sounds like she is. If your S1 is going to be feeling he’s better than her for whatever reason, that’s not a very solid basis for a relationship. SHE has a solid job and he is unemployed. I give her credit for moving forward with her life. I wish both your sons the best.</p>
<p>I really think you need to stay out of it. It is up to your S1 to figure out his own relationships UNLESS he happens to turn to you for advice. I’m sure he gets a LOT of folks who may think she’s young or not good enough for him already. The question is what HE thinks and feels. Sometimes young men really aren’t as emotionally mature as young women of similar age. </p>
<p>Hard as it would be if it were my kids, I’d do my very best to stay out of it and welcome whatever friends my kids made, male and female into my home, WITHOUT judging. People see different things in each person.</p>
<p>Well…<em>I</em> had the rep of being a “ho” in HS, although that wasn’t the word they used back then. The funny thing was that I had had only a couple of dates and was a virgin! High school kids can be VICIOUS. So if anyone came to me with stories like your S did, I’d very likely take them with a large grain of salt. And BTW, daycare and preschool teachers ARE teachers and caretakers of our most precious resource. Surely you’d value someone who did that job. And she does, in fact, HAVE a job and is paying her own way so I don’t see the issue here.</p>
<p>I give my adult kids advice IF they ask. I don’t trade on rumors or 3rd-hand information. Of course I want them to be happy. But the best way to assure that is to offer support and to not manipulate them, and to accept their friends, especially nice ones with jobs who pay their own way.</p>
<p>I am staying out of it. You are right about it going both ways. I don’t know what he knows, but S2 seems pretty sure of it. As far as it being a HS rep, she is only around 19, so it wasn’t that long ago. i am going to stand up for S2 here and state that he is NOT a gossip type. He knew something, but he won’t tell me what. He thought he was doing the right thing for his brother and they generally aren’t in each others’ business. I did probably view it with a double standard because there have to be boys participating to get her a reputation. S2 is not a very judgmental person, he tells me if he thinks i am judging. He likes everybody regardless of their background or history. </p>
<p>In fact, I am so NOT in it, that I’m not even sure they are not seeing each other anymore because I am not asking. I just didn’t see her this weekend, or today, so I am assuming. Don’t worry, he doesn’t let me involved. If I show much interest at all he informs me how he is not planning to get married to this one, so don’t worry about it. My kids know me! They let me know what they want me to, and no more! That’s why I’m talking here. Not even telling hubby so he can’t let anything slip, not that he cares about it much anyway. </p>
<p>Yeah, I also thought about the college boy living with mom and dad. We WANT him to save $ so he can buy instead of rent. He wants to buy a duplex and live in half and rent half. The unemployment was just since December, he has interviews scheduled. I’m not judging the daycare job, per se, just imagining that if he ever gets married he will need a wife with a good income, unless he gets an amazing job. I know that at his age, any girl could turn out to be the “one”. Sadly, daycare is barely above minimum wage. She is young and I hope she gets career training of some type, or college.</p>
<p>btw, she doesn’t look the slightest bit loose. She looks like she’s 15! (tiny)</p>
<p>I am a big one to worry about the “what ifs”. Anyway, I was writing because I felt bad for girl and S1. It stinks when relationships end because too often somebody gets hurt. </p>
<p>Speaking as a 30-something male, college grad S1 needs to figure out his relationship himself. </p>
<p>Moreover, he needs to assess his GF by how she is NOW. Not by high school rumors which is likely to be dated and/or completely wrong. </p>
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<p>Completely agree. S1 needs to respect and find out about his GF on her and their relationship’s terms. Not unconfirmed rumors…especially from HS which really should be considered part of their distant past. </p>
<p>As for HS rumors, I am glad they no longer dog me judging by interactions with HS classmates and older/younger alums at some HS alum gatherings. At the absolute latest, high school reputations should be tossed out the window the moment graduation caps are tossed into the air.</p>
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<p>Not to mention there’s the possibility she’s doing more than paying her own way in this relationship considering S1 is laid off, is older, and has a higher level of education. If I were in his shoes, I’d be more concerned I am taking much more than my fair share in the relationship. </p>
<p>OP, It is in general not easy for a parent to talk about this aspect of the life of an adult child. Been there, done that, not long ago. (Recently heard that his EX might have been inviting him to go to one of his favorite places together. She indeed knows very well what he likes to do. Do not know the details. Maybe it is backtracked to the “group date” stage after having been friend-zoned.)</p>
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This is indeed hard, especially the part about “WITHOUT judging.”</p>
<p>Talking about “the kids my kids brought home”, the parents of DS’s roommate in college brought him to their home. Although we appreciated it very much, we did not rile up. Double-standards!</p>
<p>OP, your S THOUGHT he knew something-unless he himself slept with the girl, he DOESN’T know. I had a boy in HS tell me he thought he should not go out with me because the guys on his team were talking about having sex with me. It would have been funny if it wasn’t so completely untrue and hurtful. And I find it a little stunning that you’re so concerned with the girl’s income because your son MAY need HIS bolstered! As my teen says, “smh”. Look, the only thing I want for my kids is that they’re happy. There are a lot of paths to happy, but making sure a maybe possibly future wife can support my son isn’t one of them.</p>
<p>Why don’t you just ask S1 how is girlfriend doing as you have not seen her around lately and then say something nice about her. If he has broken up with her for whatever reason, she will be fine. She may have liked your son but she is only 19, he probably is not her first heart break and won’t be her last. Trust your son and his judgment regarding this girl. </p>
<p>With your adult children living at home, you will see more of their relationship dynamics than if they were not at home. As parents, I don’t think we stop worrying or being concerned, but their relationship decisions are theirs, not ours. I think we can be a resource for them, if they ask. It seems at this point that your S1 has not discussed this with you, so you are not aware of the status of the relationship, and if they broke up, why.
Unless young people are ready to settle down, there will likely be a break up at some point. It isn’t easy to see this because we remember getting our hearts broken too, but it was part of having relationships at that age. If at some point, a young person decides that a relationship isn’t what he/she wants, it should break up, so that the young people can move on with their lives.
If your son was ready for a serious relationship, and he was serious about this girl, then a high school rumor alone would not have ended it. Mature partners have moved beyond high school emotionally. However, there may be current issues in his relationship, and hearing the rumor may have led him to consider them, or not. If your S1 did break up with this girl because he can’t handle the rumor, and she has changed or it isn’t true, then he still did the right thing by breaking up with her because it’s honest, and probably not happy for her to be judged. All of this is speculation, since what went on between them isn’t our business.
What we do know is that your S1 is about 22, living at home, unemployed, likes to hang out with his buddies a lot, and that is a ways from being a responsible husband. He dated a girl and it didn’t work out. This seems like the natural course of things. It may happen a few more times, until one day, when he is ready, it will be for keeps. In the meantime, as a parent, we can offer a sympathetic ear, and advice but only if they ask for it, and even then, without judgement.</p>
<p>I ask myself, “If he was living 300 miles away, would I know about this?” </p>
<p>Almost always, the answer is, “Probably not.” </p>
<p>And then I say to myself (in my best Sargent Schultz voice), “I know nothing!”, and go about my life unless someone asks my opinion about his own life… Not about his brother’s life, about his own life.</p>
<p>Someone who isn’t confident enough about to get his own place after college may not be confident enough to choose his own friends after flak from his family.
And no one needs a boyfriend like that.</p>