<p>Even if the high school stories are entirely true, so what? People often mature and change a lot. It’s possible that she’s no longer around because her family is urging her to get a boyfriend who has a job.</p>
<p>I agree with those who said 1) that it’s not your business, and 2) that if they broke up for whatever reason, it’s not a big deal. Life goes on. But I might want to try to find a time and place to ask S2 to reconsider value judgments based on what happened or may have happened in high school, plus the sexism revealed by talking about girls as “hos.” What does he think of a guy doing (or rumored to do) the same thing? </p>
<p>Of course he’s in college now, and it’s not an Afterschool Special, but pop culture often gives us many examples to discuss and ponder. Everyone makes mistakes and can recover and thrive as long as the mistakes are not major-league, and certainly anything happened or was rumored to happen in high school that could give a girl a reputation as a “ho” should be looked at, if at all, in context and of rapidly diminishing importance.</p>
<p>We had a story like that in our family once, there was a girl one of my relatives dated in high school who had kind of a reputation-- at least that’s what that relative said, no idea if it was true. Some time well after high school, that boy’s younger brother started dating her which caused quite the stir as I am sure you can imagine. But they dated forever and eventually got married, and the younger brother was the best man at the wedding and everybody got over it. She’s the sweetest, nicest girl and a great match for my relative.</p>
<p>But, you don’t really know what’s going on, and if it’s as your S2 says I am sure the last thing your S1 wants to discuss with you is what a “ho” his ex-gf turned out to be. I get needing to talk, it can be perplexing when what seems like a good relationship falls apart without an apparent good reason. It might have been a good reason, it might not have been. But if he broke up with her without a good reason, she wasn’t the one for him-- plain and simple! The girl also may not have stopped coming around for the reasons you think, S2 sounds like he is either giving you half the story or just guessing. Maybe she dumped your S, you never know. Maybe they’re just busy, maybe they both mutually agreed to see less of each other. One way or another, it seems maybe they weren’t as good of a match as they looked like. </p>
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<p>I hope as the OP reflects upon this situation that she will eventually come around to what I think was the most disturbing aspect of this entire story: her S2’s language and perceptions of women. </p>
<p>I think the bigger issue here is that S2 needs a lesson on how NOT to stir the pot with rumors.</p>
<p>I have sons and daughters. If it was my older son I would just ask him. Easy peasy. If it was my daughter I would just ask her, but if she was the GF in this scenario I would have cautioned her early about the “spoiled BF” since she isn’t from a “spoiled” background. And I say cautioned not judgemental, just a heads-up that he might not always understand her point-of-view. Having an upbringing that results in a more determined, driven and hungry individual(my daughter) can make it more difficult for successful relationships where one doesn’t have the same perspective.</p>
<p>Again, difficult not impossible. As far as her being a “ho”, is your son(s) also a “ho”? Could that be what they had in common? I only ask because there must have been some attraction? </p>
<p>Her working at a daycare is a FANTASTIC vocation!!! Heck it as been my avocation for 30+ years! I was a nanny before I had children, raised a bunch and am still a nanny today! My kiddos think I did an okay job, and I have thoroughly enjoyed all my kittens! Trusting someone else with your most precious and cherished gifts is a huge leap of faith and says much about the caregivers’ character. </p>
<p>So she liked your son, regardless of his flaws, she cares for others’ children, pays her own way and was a nice person to be around…I have 3 sons I’d love for her to meet.</p>
<p>I taught my children who you are is not defined by what you do to make money but rather what you do, how you act with the gifts you have been given/have earned…whether that is money, a talent or ability. Similar to the mantra here on CC that it is not the college you attend that matters most but rather what you DO at the college. And whatever it is, they strive to do that to their very best.</p>
<p>“to whom much is given, much is expected”</p>
<p>Kat</p>
<p>
IMHO, the upbringing environment is more important than the resulted achievement of an individual. For the young generation, I think many of them (esp., those attending the so-called “top” colleges) grew up in a well sheltered environment just because of how their parents raised them. My child accused us of “overprotection” on several occasion in the past (quite late stage, in his 20s) so we ourselves are somewhat guilty of this.</p>
<p>Recently, I read an article about a research in which the author/researcher claims that the perception of “good match” is different between the young adult him/herself and his/her parent. The former pays more attention to genetic traits (physical attribute) while the latter more on whether she/he would/could provide the care of themselves as a new family and even grandchildren.</p>
<p>OP, It is really not easy to “talk” or deal with this kind of topics.</p>
<p>My oldest is in his 30s. A lot of his peers and friends from high school and college had some years where they were “ho s” and worse. Some did some time. Some were in a psych unit. Some did some terrible things. Most of them seem to have settled down from those insanity years when they were transitioning into adulthood. Some have not. Oh, the stories I could tell. But they were young, and are pretty much making their way into responsibilities. </p>
<p>One young mother I know was a stripper and probably a true wage earning “ho” for a few years. She’s now a soccer mom with three little kids, and you would never know. I do, because I know her mom well and my shoulder ache (as did my heart and hers) when she soaked them with her tears, and I cried too, during those years. </p>
<p>I can’t afford to hold those kind of grudges. Know too much about too many to do so. Maybe someday, you can have a word with S2 about these things in general without getting specific about that girl. It’s a wonderful thing for all not to have taken those risks, and gone through that mill as one gets older, but sometimes it’s wise to case a blind eye on those who did not. Have the same general talk with S2. I wouldn’t waste my time chasing down rumors and stories about these sort of things. I just let them go whether they are or not.</p>
<p>Can we please stop using the word “ho”? It’s really derogatory and there really isn’t any kind of appropriate context to use it in. </p>
<p>I have never seen the word “ho” so many times in one thread on CC. This word isn’t even necessary in the majority of these posts. It’s derogatory. </p>
<p>^^^^I agree! I’m glad to see a good amount of offense taken by the young members. Makes me have hope this term is not just flung around as though no big deal.</p>
<p>It’s acceptable in some circles but definitely not in mine. </p>
<p>It is offensive to use that term, especially in the context of someone’s “reputation”. People talk, and it is not always true. Even if it was, it is a terrible thing to brand someone. </p>
<p>My point wasn’t whether S2 was right or wrong to discuss the girl, he said whatever he may have said to brother because he thought it was best. He didn’t ask me…I am a little tired of people discussing him as though he had some horrible motive here when I was happy that he cared about his brother, yet sad that his brother and/or the girl might be upset. Sorry I told you how he described the girl. I didn’t mean to offend tender sensibilities. Are you people that sheltered that you don’t know that guys talk about girls like that sometimes? Maybe they just don’t let you know…</p>
<p>Anyway, I’m pretty sure all he did was tell his brother that he could do better. I assume he mentioned that he knew her in HS, or that he knew people who did, but he probably didn’t say too much because he knew his brother liked her.</p>
<p>Regardless, she was back over again on Tuesday, and again today. I don’t know what went on Sat-Mon but I assumed it had to do with S2 saying something. Maybe it did, maybe it didn’t. Maybe S1 was with her all weekend but just not here. Whatever, I didn’t ask and he didn’t say. Maybe she was away, might have been at her dad’s. Either S2 didn’t say anything beyond what I wrote (para 2) or S1 didn’t care. I guess S1 is making his own judgements. I was in a low mood when I posted…I would have called my friend if it weren’t so late. I guess you all have perfect sons who have never talked about girls in a negative way, or daughters who never talked about the boys who were “players”. (don’t know what they call the boys who are “easy”) </p>
<p>I did discuss the double standard and asked him what it says about the boys that would be with a girl they thought was , lets say “easy” and that he should be careful not to spread gossip. How would he feel if it was his daughter. He admits there is a double standard.</p>
<p>Further, my preference that she have higher career goals than working at a daycare is based on the idea that it is a minimum wage job and frankly I’d prefer him to be married (someday) to someone with higher earning potential. It doesn’t mean she won’t, but it’s getting harder to get good paying work without some skills,education or training, and harder to have a nice home etc without good pay. I have a SIL who is really struggling and things would be so much better if they both had good jobs. He will do fine, but he’s not in a STEM job, or an accountant or a lawyer so it will take a little while to rise up the payroll. If I could do it over I’d be a nurse or a teacher. Get decent/good pay and be off when the kids are off, and/or have flexible hours (nurse). I’m just being realistic here and btw, I never said I didn’t LIKE her, just that I wished she was in school or something. Its what I want and I’m being honest, not politically correct. Sort of like when someone says do you want a boy or a girl and you say “I just want it to be healthy”. No kidding! That’s a given, but I still wanted a girl. So why can’t I say I want him to marry a girl with a good career. It’s a given I want him to eb in love and for her to be a nice person etc, but can’t I ALSO wish for the career?? (I’m not asking for a career instead of a great love, but in addition to would be nice)</p>
<p>btw, S1 is not some loser. He has worked steadily since 16 and even worked full-time part of the time in college and got a full time job starting 2 weeks after graduation. He got laid off in December, ■■■■ happens. He’ll find something and not sit on his butt collecting uenemployment. He is living here because he is saving up to purchase rather than rent. While he’s off he’s been helping his grandpop around his house a couple days a week.</p>
<p>I’m done.</p>
<p>I need a shower. </p>
<p>I get what OP is saying. I have 2 girls. If D1 knew something about the person who D2 is dating that D2 may need to be careful about then I would expect D1 to say something. Of course it would be up to D2 to to make up her own mind, but it is better to know than not. I have posted before how I would be weary to have my kids marry people with large student loans, and I still stand by that. Yes, it is dollar and cents, but what most married couple argue (worry) about is money.</p>
<p>D1 was over last week. She started having a serious conversation with us about her future with her current BF. She is worried about not able to afford private education for her kids, cost of nanny and apartment. She is already thinking about how to fund her kid’s college education. She is coming to realization that her partner in life is going to have to his weight, not someone who is just coast through life.</p>
<p>CC is a good place to vent if you are very PC, or if you really just don’t care.</p>
<p>Romaningypsyeyes, I apologize for the use of the term that offends you. No offense was intended. Not a word I use except as a quote which I did there.</p>
<p>I have no use for those actively pursing the underbelly of life as I really do not want to deal with those elements in my personal life with the risks involved. But over time, in a number of cases, I won’t hold it against a person… Not always, it’s a judgment issue. And a personal one. Without being right there and knowing the details and really what the present situation is (that above all is very important), I can’t say how I would react to certain info about a person’s past. It’s an individual call.</p>
<p>I do not, fwiw, understand the mentality expressed by the OP but then again I want to marry a SAHP and I will not have great earning power but to each his/her own. I’m glad my parents don’t worry about such things 
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<p>I would have concerns about such things if my kids did not have terrific taste & judgement.
I trust themselves with their life decisions. If they want outside opinions they would ask.</p>
<p>OP- At this point a long as your son is happy with her that is what really matters. Plus she’s only 19. She may have career goals that you don’t know about yet. Not everyone has parents that can afford to help pay for college. Maybe she just hasn’t figured out what she wants to do or perhaps she wants to work with children… My oldest son is 19 and honestly I would be concerned if he were dating someone with a huge student loan rather than a someone working in a day care. But then again it took me 10 years to pay off my student loans…</p>