<p>Thanks again to all of those who have shared. Several things since I last wrote. Mysteriously all of my pictures reappeared on my phone. I don’t know where they were or why they came back…
We are down south. We are lucky enough to be young retirees. The sun and warmth seems to help or perhaps its just because the holidays are over.
We have been asked by several other concerned parents (friends of ours) to speak to their depressed children. Sometimes this an easy thing, other times not.
My biggest concern now is my nephew who has always had problems with depression. He is a little younger than my son and they were quite close. He is taking my son’s death quite hard. He admits he is depressed, but won’t go for counseling or take his medication. My SIL feels he is starving himself to death. He doesn’t come out of his room except to go to work. He is scheduled to go back to school on the 21st. Her counselor did not yet think they were at the point to get him committed without his permission. I am trying to muster up the strength to call him, but I know he is going to deny his dispair. My husband texted him last night, he said he was “fine”. It is so frustrating to not be able to get depressed people help because they are too ill to get it for themselves. After getting relief from not having to worry about my son 24/7, now my worry meter is sky high. I didn’t realize the situation was as bad as it was, my B and SIL were trying not to lay that burden on us. Any suggestions?</p>
<p>heavyheart, so glad you got the pictures back! I probably don’t need to say this, but see if there is a way to download them ASAP in case that phone breaks, etc.</p>
<p>Second, I think your B and SIL are right in not trying to lay the burden of your nephew’s issues on you. Honestly, I don’t think it’s fair of your friends to ask you to talk to their children either. It’s just sort of too much. You’ve been through enough, and I don’t know that it’s fair to put you in the middle of all of that.</p>
<p>Heavyheart–I am so sorry for what you’re experiencing. I’m sure the angels have returned your pictures so go download them!
I know you shouldn’t be burdened especially now with other people’s emotional problems but I could never blame a parent for trying to get help for their hurting child. Sometimes grasping for straws seems all that is left. I think you know that too but it’s really hard for you. You now have a first hand experience that might help get through to someone else who is hurting. Just try to protect yourself while helping others. It’s a fine line.</p>
<p>I agree. The parents are all scared, because they have seen first-hand that suicide not only can happen, but it does … and to people they know and love. </p>
<p>When my SIL’s nephew committed suicide, his mother told me that she would take great comfort in knowing that her son’s death saved others. The young man’s stepmother gave a very moving eulogy in which she brought the subject right out … and told the church full of young people that it was a permanent solution to a temporary problem. It is still such new pain, though, that it is hard to help others when YOU need help right (coping) right now. Be careful, whatever you do, not to feel as if you didn’t do enough … no matter what you chose to do/not do, say/not say … if another child chooses to end his own life. This is a burden that is not yours. My prayers continue to be with you as you navigate these difficult times.</p>
<p>And leah–thanks for relating your story. It helps explain the irrational thinking behind suicidal thought and helps release some unfounded guilt of loved ones.</p>
<p>We have been very upfront about my son’s death. I think that is why I feel comfortable taking to others. My profession was in education, its hard to stop that now. I feel the same way, if we can only save someone else from this…
I did call my nephew, he did not answer. I later had a lengthy text conversation with him, but when I approached the issue, he stopped responding. Some other family members are going to try and talk to him. I am too far away for a face to face meeting. Hopefully they can get through to him.</p>
<p>Heavyheart, I am having similar weirdness with my pictures on my phone (a droid). They are not gone, they are just stored in a folder which your Gallery app is not looking in (sometime it looks, sometimes it doesnt). I lost some of mine, then they came back, then mysteriously were lost again. Try using the Quickpic app as a viewer, it seems to work better at finding all the folders with pictures (and dont forget to back up your photos to your computer).</p>
<p>My heart aches for you. My dad also took his own life about 11 years ago. The pain and confusion is unbearable. The what-ifs, woulda, shoulda, coulda . I try to look at it the same as if he had died of cancer, heart disease, whatever. Depression is a disease. Sadly, no amount of love can cure cancer, and no amount of love can cure depression.</p>
<p>My son was 13 when my sister took her life. He was just 8 years younger than she was. They weren’t very close, but it was still difficult for him. Telling him what had happened was by far the most difficult conversation I’ve ever had and I honestly can’t imagine ever having a more difficult one.</p>
<p>My son has participated in the choir at his school since elementary school. Last year they performed at a suicide awareness rally. The choir sang and then several individuals spoke about how suicide had touched their lives. I didn’t realize how hard that was for my son until he left the stage. He came up to me with tears still dripping down his cheeks to get a hug. Even though it was 3 years after my sister passed away, he, 16 at the time, came to his mom for a hug in front of all his friends. </p>
<p>Even now 4 years later, he doesn’t like to discuss what happened. If I bring up my sister for any reason, you can see his defenses go up, it is as if he withdraws into himself to avoid dealing with what happened.</p>
<p>I’m by no means an expert and still haven’t convince my mom to go to a support group even though on several occasions I have agreed to drive more than a few hours to go with her, but for your nephew I’d suggest trying to get him to think about the positives instead of dwelling on the negatives. Perhaps tell him that you want to compile a scrapbook and you NEED his help and would like him to gather pictures, write a story about your son, tell you about his favorite memory of your son, etc. Perhaps that will be a ‘safe’ way for him to begin thinking/remembering your son without having to focus on what just happened.</p>
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<p>Dear heavyheart,</p>
<p>I’m concerned that your nephew might have an eating disorder. Isolation and deep depression are often symptoms, and more and more boys are being diagnosed. The latest research suggests that eating disorders are inherited, biologically based diseases that can be successfully treated if intervention is swift. Sufferers are usually unable to recognize that they are ill, and they often passionately deny that they need help.</p>
<p>If I were you, I would suggest that your sister-in-law take a look at the following websites:
[F.E.A.S.T</a>. Eating Disorder Treatment Support for Anorexia and Bulimia - Nourishing Words](<a href=“http://www.feast-ed.org/]F.E.A.S.T”>http://www.feast-ed.org/)
[Around</a> the Dinner Table Forum - Around the Dinner TableSupport forum for parents and caregivers of anorexia, bulimia and other eating disorder patients](<a href=“Forum - FEAST”>Forum - FEAST)</p>
<p>The second website is a support forum for carers of eating-disorder patients. The parents who post there are compassionate and knowledgeable, and their experience might help you or your SIL figure out if your nephew’s problem might be an ED.</p>
<p>Best of luck.</p>
<p>Dear OP, Sometimes young relatives might not want to talk out their problems to known adults or relatives, because they assume one adult will tell another (such as their parent), and they lose control of the communication. </p>
<p>Perhaps in some of those situations, a child might instead be encouraged to phone the anonymous national suicide hotline, or local crisis prevention hotline. Those people are well-trained volunteers. Some of what they do is connect callers to other available resources nearby. In emergencies they might simply talk to the person contemplating the act, keeping them on the phone to distract/delay so they won’t act.</p>
<p>What many young people don’t know is that those hotlines are not required to police-report illegal activity mentioned during the call, unless it’d do imminent harm to self or another person. And so, some people hesitate to call because they’re at the same time smoking pot, drinking underage or something else illegal. Fact is, the hotline worker won’t turn them in for substance abuse if they mention they’re doing that during the phone call. Young people don’t know that and I wish they did.</p>
<p>I would think it’s up to you if you feel like talking to relatives or friends’ children. In the meantime, you could suggest these anonymous hotlines to the parents who are asking you to counsel their children. There may come a future time when it’s therapeutic to you to educate, but please don’t rush yourself. Everything in time.</p>
<p>To tag onto p3t’s excellent post, I want to mention that I made both my sons aware of the crisis help lines and other resources for young people who are not yet ready to discuss their issues with parents (but who are in serious need of a trained ear). Both have had friends over the years come to them and confide about serious personal issues and have been thankful there were other resources.</p>
<p>I had a client whose kid committed suicide.</p>
<p>I also had an employee who I was very fond of who committed suicide.</p>
<p>Unfortunately, there is no coming back all the way from such a horrible thing.</p>
<p>My suggestion would be to do something of a charitable/volunteer nature, perhaps something related to the field of suicide prevention, that would produce something that is at least somewhat positive out of your horrible experience. That might be a good testament to your kid.</p>
<p>But of course, there are professionals out there who know much better how to deal with this horrible situation.</p>
<p>We all wish you the best.</p>
<p>I haven’t yet posted on this thread. I am deeply sorry for your loss. </p>
<p>What you posted about your nephew sounds very serious. I am not clear as to whether going back to school means going away to college, resuming high school, etc. It is the possibility that he might be going away from home that led me to post. What you described sounds very serious and it doesn’t seem like it would be a good idea for him to return to college, if that is the case. He’s not doing well at home. He is not compliant with treatment that has been offered him. He will have less support and more stress in school than at home (unless he is living at home while attending school). Depression can run in families; the risk of suicide is elevated in his case as there is an elevated risk for suicide for family members who are depressed and who have lost a relative to depression. While it is true that his not eating could be an eating disorder, a marked decrease in appetite and weight loss is a classic symptom of a major depressive episode. </p>
<p>I am assuming that he is over 18. I would strongly suggest that your B and SIL contact the the National Alliance on Mental Illness, nami.org to get some support and advice. It’s worth noting that your SIL’s counselor can’t directly evaluate him to assess his level of risk and can only respond to what she is hearing.</p>
<p>I’m torn about submitting this post. I don’t want to upset or scare you, but it may well be that he should not return to school and that he needs intensive help. I felt it was better to err on the side of caution and post. (Full disclosure, I’m a mental health professional.)</p>
<p>As noted I’m not an expert, only someone with personal experience.</p>
<p>In my opinion the problem is most likely not an eating disorder. I suffered from anorexia when I was younger and my sister who took her life was struggling with her own battle with anorexia at the time. An eating disorder is characterized by so much more than ‘not eating’. Anorexia is characterized by ritualistic behaviors and obsession with food and body images. During my struggle with anorexia I memorized the calorie counts of almost every food item and knew the calorie counts of every item I put into my mouth. Due to what I went through I saw the symptoms of my sister’s condition develop long before anyone else. When she was still in high school I started seeing her becoming preoccupied with food and her body image and told my mom to keep an eye on her at the time. My family all told me that she was fine and that she ate healthy meals. Once she headed off to college she started dropping weight at a rapid rate and only then did my mom urge her to see a counsellor.</p>
<p>Your nephews lack of appetite/eating seem to be related to his mourning/depression and an eating disorder most likely would have been evident before now. I know after my sister passed away I ate very little for weeks. When I did eat I usually felt sick to my stomach. I ate enough to survive and little else. But although I previouly suffered from anorexia, what I was going through at the time was not even remotely related.</p>
<p>Also I can see the argument that college could cause increased stress and could make the situation worse, but I believe the opposite could be true as well. If he has a support system there, friends who he can talk to, is looking forward to returning, then being kept from that could result in him feeling worse. I know that when my sister passed away, I only kept my son out of school for 1 day, the day of her funeral. I didn’t want to disrupt his routine. I didn’t want to take him away from friends that he might be able to share more with than he could share with me. I also know that for myself, my dad, and my other sister going back to work was the best thing we did after she passed. It gave us a purpose, it gave us a degree of normalcy in our lives, it gave us a reason to get up each day, to leave our houses, to relate to other people whether we wanted to or not…</p>
<p>For my mom, who still has not returned to work for 4 years, she has none of that. She can sit in a chair each day and dwell on the fact that my sister is gone. She can get trapped in her own thoughts and allow herself to not move on. Having a reason to keep moving forward makes you do so. I’d say that your nephew needs to return to school, needs to return to that routine and normalcy, but that they need to ‘keep an eye on him’, if they find out that he’s skipping classes, that his grades are dropping, that he’s not interacting with friends like he used to, then they should speak to him about returning home.</p>
<p>Jrcsmom, you make some excellent points. There is a lot of information we on this thread don’t know. We don’t know if any other signs of an eating disorder are there or if it’s a sign of depression. We don’t know what his support system is at school, how he feels about school, how far away the school is, how easily the parents could keep an eye on him, etc. This is why I hesitate to post on a message board with advice and why I think it’s best for the parents to contact nami.org and perhaps get into a support group.</p>
<p>I have been coresponding with my nephew by email. At this time, it is what he is comfortable with. I have been giving him resources, just talking things out. He returned to college this weekend (an hour away from home). He is seeing a primary care Doc, who has been filled in by my SIL. We all realize that it is a serious situation. However he is an adult and there has been much written on this forum about the difficulties of getting help for those who are mentally ill/depressed, if they are too sick to realize they need help. We feel he is giving out a lot of signals about wanting help (which my son never did) but isn’t quite ready to accept help yet. I will pass this information onto my B and SIL.
Thanks again to all of your support through PMs.</p>
<p>That’s wonderful that you are corresponding and that he is close to home.</p>
<p>Maybe Student Health at his college can help. At my university, Student Health was free and on a walk-in basis. It also included free mental health services, and lots of kids talked with the counselors there on an ongoing basis about problems big and small. I imagine the counselors probably could see the signs if the student was really in trouble and had resources to deal with that.</p>
<p>OP, you are not to blame for this, and your love was enough, and your son did not choose anything at all. I had a friend who died from cystic fibrosis, and she fought so damn hard. There were so many times when she “should have” died, but did not, and bounced right back. But, in the end, after months of fighting (when doctors had predicted she would definitely have been dead six weeks earlier), she said, “Something has to change.” And I knew what that meant. I knew. She passed away the next day. She was such an incredible fighter, she wanted so badly to live, and she deserved to live – she was incredible beyond description, such a bright light in all our lives – but people become so tired when they are sick. Giving up is not necessarily a choice. Sometimes you just… you can’t lift this weight that has become so heavy. You can’t. </p>
<p>I want to point out that Alzheimer’s is another disease that affects people’s behavior because of their minds. Its’ basis in physical issues is more easily established, and so people aren’t so judgmental, but I know families still struggle. This person you love no longer knows who you are. Well, if you think that’s not a choice (and it’s not), you know death from depression is not a choice. It is PHYSICAL. Your son did NOT choose it. YOU DID NOTHING WRONG. NOTHING. Please, please know that. </p>
<p>Escape From Spiderhead, an excellent, unusual, and horrifying short story from The New Yorker is the story I tend to show people who do not understand that suicide resulting from mental illness is purely passing away from a chronic disease that, unfortunately, turned out to be fatal. It is about a near-future society in which prisoners can trade their prison life in for becoming parts of experiments in which their brains (minds) can be played with by drugs being developed to help and/or understand humanity. The narrator is forced to witness someone being flooded with a drug that causes emotional pain. He’s forced to do so for a sort of convoluted social experiment reason, but while being forced to watch, he’s flooded with chemicals that make him more talkative and eloquent.</p>
<p>Here is the whole story: [“Escape</a> from Spiderhead” : The New Yorker](<a href=“http://www.newyorker.com/fiction/features/2010/12/20/101220fi_fiction_saunders]“Escape”>http://www.newyorker.com/fiction/features/2010/12/20/101220fi_fiction_saunders)</p>
<p>But please don’t [read] if you don’t want to read something horrific. If I were posting this on a feminist blog or tumblr, here’s where I’d say <strong><em>TRIGGER WARNING</em></strong> because this could trigger terrible feelings.</p>
<p>I can empathise with the New Yorker’s portrayal of the arbitrariness of pure intense emotion.</p>
<p>On Thursday your mind can be completely chaotic and in a torrent, though it doesn’t compare to the intense dysphoria of two Saturdays ago, then they stabilise you in the psych ward and you feel fine and embarrassed about your previous episodes.</p>