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<p>Yes. This. When we told my kids (then 9 and 6) about my dad (who lived 2 miles away, ADORED his grandchildren, and they ADORED him), the words we used were:</p>
<p>“Papa had a disease in his brain, and he died.” Which was, and is, the absolute truth.</p>
<p>Of course, as a survivor, saying these words and being able to truly believe them sometimes are 2 different things. :(</p>
<p>Nature’s first green is gold,
Her hardest hue to hold.
Her early leaf’s a flower;
But only so an hour.
Then leaf subsides to leaf.
So Eden sank to grief,
So dawn goes down to day.
Nothing gold can stay.</p>
<p>-- Robert Frost</p>
<p>Hello Heavyheart,</p>
<p>Checking in with you. How are you doing? How is your nephew?</p>
<p>I attended a funeral for a 19 y/o suicide victim today. Grief beyond understanding. My thoughts are with you.</p>
<p>Hugs to both of you.</p>
<p>To all my friends at CC,
I want to thank you once again for all your suggestions and concerns. As far as how I am doing, it depends on the day. I know this, I will NEVER be the same. I feel like this event has changed the quality and yes, even the quanity of my life. Many of the symptoms of grief are physical and yes, I feel them daily. Where I used to look forward to each day as a new adventure to be experienced, I know now that the day may turn out very differently than what I expect. My son is with me, ALWAYS. This is not always a good thing. I can be enjoying an experience and he is there to remind me, everything is different now.
Please don’t get me wrong, I am not as depressed as I sound. I have the support of an excellent counselor, many brave and compassionate friends and the support of a large and extended family. My biggest heartbreak is watching others whom I love become “stuck” in the grieving process. This is especially true for my husband and my mother-in-law. They have suffered a lot of loss in their lives (two of my H’s siblings) and never really grieved for stuff that happened over 35 years ago. They are of the mind set that “they will get through this on their own” (In other words without counseling or medication to help them sleep)
My counselor and I feel I am ready for a support group. However there are no suicide specific support groups within an hour and a half of here. There is a Compassionate friends group about a half hour away. I have read alot about suicide and I do feel the grief is very different, although there is a feeling of kinship that I have with other parents who have lost children, regardless of how. So I will probably start there.
I am still struggling with where to go with this. I feel this sense of looking for purpose; which I feel would have happened at this point in my retirement anyway. My son’s situation seems to be pointing me in a way to help prevent this from ever happening to another family. While this seems worthwhile, a lot of what I’ve read about suicide prevention seems hopeless, along the lines of how do you help people who deny they want help, refuse to get help, and isolate themselves from others. I’ve read about the deaths of other college athletes (like my son). One family has come forward and stated that the death is a suicide, others have not, but I suspect this is the case. Why does it matter? Until we can erase the stigma of suicide and mental illness, how can we help? Please don’t get me wrong, families need to do whatever they can to preserve themselves and their own sanity to get through this. It is NOT MY decision to make about what is best for them and their family. I have found it helpful to me to know that I am not alone in this. I found an excellent book that describes what happens after the suicide of a loved one. For me it was spot on. “Healing after the Suicide of a loved one” by Ann Smolin and John Guinan. I highly recommend it.
My daughters are doing well. They are on their own and succeeding in life in an amazing way. It is bittersweet for me. I need them more, they need me less. We recently spent a week with our extended family on vacation. Everyone was there, including my nephew, who did not come last year and was shutting his parents out. The first day was hard and also driving home. (Last year’s vacation was the last time was my son was with the whole extended family) However, it was a great week and I am grateful for what I have. However, there is a large void that will never be filled. And that is my reality.</p>
<p>Heavyheart, I am so glad to get an update from you! I was thinking about you following a local student suicide. Too many happening this year. </p>
<p>I read your update, and a few things in it hit me. </p>
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<p>You seem to have found a way to continue to function through this very difficult time, you seem to have a very good handle on the fact that others will find different ways to cope, and you have been very pro-active in educating yourself. There are many people that would not even know where to start. And you seem very open and accepting of peoples differences. </p>
<p>You are right, you can’t stop most of these suicides. But you may be able to help others pick up the pieces after going through such a tragedy. </p>
<p>I admire you, and I admire your strength. I do not even know how I would be able to take the next breath if I were to go through this. You are amazing.</p>
<p>Thank you for opening up and sharing your journey heavy heart. I send warm thoughts and healing vibes your way.</p>
<p>I know one family who lost their teen son to suicide some 20 years ago. Time took away the physical pain of lose and has helped insulate them from the jarring emotions. </p>
<p>Know that others are forever sending you their caring thoughts.</p>
<p>Thank you for the update. I have thought of you often and have wondered how you and your family were doing. </p>
<p>You are a remarkable woman of great courage.</p>
<p>Dear heavheart, my thoughts and prayers are with you. We are five years past our dear brothers’ suicide. Not a day goes by that I don’t think about him. Sometimes it is just a fleeting thought, but sometimes, it really hits me. As my son has grown, he reminds me more and more of my dear brother, who he did not know well. Just the big bear hug he gave me the other day, I just broke down. I had not had a good bear hug like that since I lost my brother. My brother’s twin still struggles every day. He’s struggled with alcoholism, unemployment, marital strife, and mental illness. It is painful to see how much he’s aged in the past five years. What’s more painful is to see my brother’s children and his widow moving on, enjoying life. Why do they not feel the pain that we do? We no longer even see my brother’s family. Our own family, though, has become very close, and we try to be there for each other, in many ways that we never were before. We want each other to know that no matter how hard life is, what failures we have, or how bad our marriages or financial situations become, we are family and we will always be there for each other and love each other unconditionally. And we all have a deep faith that we know that we will all be together again one day.</p>
<p>*What’s more painful is to see my brother’s children and his widow moving on, enjoying life. Why do they not feel the pain that we do? *</p>
<p>I feel everyone grieves in their own way.
My father died when I was 17. It took me years to process it, it was so intense.
From what I have observed is that sometimes nature helps us to cope with tragedy, by numbing part of ourselves, otherwise we wouldn’t be able to function. Some of us can’t allow ourselves to admit to something unbearable, until enough time has passed to make that safe.</p>
<p>I also don’t feel that we have to shut ourselves off from life to honor the dead. In fact, I believe the opposite. Life is for the living, and as long as we are here, we should feel it.</p>
<p>Thre are some on line support groups that can be very helpful. Perhaps that would be worth considering? Good luck.</p>
<p>heavyheart, I am very sorry for your loss. The family of a young man we knew who took his life (another college athlete) has become very involved with [AFSP</a> Out of the Darkness Community Walk - DonorDrive](<a href=“American Foundation for Suicide Prevention (AFSP)”>http://afsp.donordrive.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=donorDrive.home) Wishing you the best…</p>
<p>Thank you for the update. I’ve been thinking about you. I think Compassionate Friends would be worth a try.</p>
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<p>Perhaps you should start your own support group, as a way to help not only yourself but others.</p>
<p>Hugs to you, heavyheart.</p>
<p>Thank you for the update and best wishes to you in your healing.</p>
<p>To emeraldkity4- Yes, everyone does grieve in their own way. I went south for 4 months and sat on the beach everyday for hours, reading, thinking, crying. Did I delay my grieving process, YES! But at the time, it was the most my mind could process. When we got back up north, it really hit me. It was right at the 6 month anniversary and I think I was finally able to comprehend that this really happened. I didn’t think I was going to be able to handle it. My counselor asked me if I regreted going south and I said No, I needed that time to wrap my brain around the truth.
So to Montegut- please don’t be too harsh in your thoughts of your brothers’ family. What they are feeling and what you preceive they are feeling may be 2 totally different things. It may be that it is simply too painful for them to be around your family. My counselor is constatntly reminding me to take care of myself first. I can’t always manage to do what I SHOULD do. I find it difficult to be around our very close friends whose son was our son’s best friend and roommate. We have also found solace and comfort and a great sense of bonding in our family. For us, it has really brought us together even more, as you stated about your family.
To those who have said I am brave, etc. My counselor says the same thing. I appreciate the thought, but I am just doing what I have to each day to get through the day. Wake up and put one foot in front of the other. I don’t see myself as having much choice in the matter.<br>
To whomever said I should write a book-I had an extensive Caringbridge journal, and many others have said I should write a book, perhaps I should… Any ideas on how to start that process?
Thank you again for all of your thoughts and suggestions. I feel very lucky to have found another source of comfort here on CC.</p>
<p>others here have mentioned AFSP…I am on the board of AFSP in the SE, and in addition to the annual walks, many AFSP chapters offer survivors’ support groups and annual survivors’ conferences. I realize that it is a very personal choice to seek that type of involvement, it’s not for everyone, and also has to be the right timing for each individual but I know many families for whom it was a significant source of healing. please pm me if you would like any assistance in locating resources in your area.</p>
<p>sending hugs, and strength as you go through this…</p>
<p>
Have you heard of Angie Smith? She is a woman who started a blog when she realized that her yet-to-be-born baby was “not compatible with life.” She expressed her feelings so beautifully in her blog, which she later turned into a book. The blog was called Bring The Rain (audreycaroline) and the book is titled “I Will Carry You.”</p>
<p>She is a lovely person, who has been able to connect with other women going through grief. Perhaps she could be a resource for you? </p>
<p>Take care. ((Hugs))</p>
<p>Thank you for the update.</p>
<p>Heavy heart, I think I know what you mean about feeling brave.
To me, someone is brave who chooses to put themselves in an unimaginable situation for the benefit of others. I don’t have to know you well to know that you would have never chosen to experience this.</p>
<p>But your counselor is right too. It can be brave to do something difficult, especially when it is not of our choosing. To carry on, when it is hard to see any immediate difference it makes.
To keep trying, to find something positive in the most dire situation, is the sign of a strong (&stubborn) soul.</p>
<p>It is hard to believe life carries on. This is nothing compared to your experience, but I remember when my oldest was born and was very ill. She was hooked up to respirators and oxygen and iv tubes. She was getting morphine for pain( she had just had surgery), but still looked very uncomfortable. It was opening day of boating season & I could see the Montlake cut bridge from her window. I literally could not understand why the world had not stopped, why the bridge was still going up and down, while D was lying there helpless.
Surreal.</p>
<p>I’m glad you were able to take time for yourself, and I hope you continue to keep us posted, and allow others to support you. I think that is one of the hardest things to do, because it seems our instincts are just to withdraw.To be human is to bleed. But also to smile.
May you find your smiles wherever you can.</p>