This is a spin off of the income disparity at college thread. Someone there said that most people live and work in places where there is quite a bit of diversity in income levels. That is certainly true where I live. My town has both billionaires ( well two) other wealthy people, upper middle class, middle class as well immigtant families with few resources. However, I am aware that our group of friends is very similar in terms of wealth. Our friends, like us, are wealthy by any standard (daily paid for our kids private/pricy colleges, don’t have to think twice about vacation spending or eating at nice restaurants) but also live somewhat below our means with less expensive homes and cars that we could afford. I was wondering how many here feel that their friends are in a similar place to them.
3/4 have less
1/4 have same
Do you find yourself cautious about talking about things that those who have less would recognize as an indication you have more? I ask because my best friend is some who other than me has friends who have less and she’s very cognizant of not saying she’s going on a pricy vacation or going to an expensive restaurant when she’s talking to them.
In my geography, and more specifically friend-group, people know who is who. I think they are pretty much aware of the more affluent people. They also know that those people (in my friend-group) would never intentionally brag. More likely, they would figure out how everyone can enjoy the extras that they might receive by being in the top quarter.
I feel our friends we’ve met through work, the neighborhood and our kids are in a similar economic situation. And when they’re not, I assume it can become uncomfortable, as I have one friend (more of a very friendly acquaintance) that brings it up on a regular basis. I am not talking about a difference where they are wondering about where their next meal is coming from or if they will lose their house, but about being able to fully afford to send their kids to college and help them purchase their first car.
Our town is rather diverse, with many immigrants ranging from 3rd generaion to newly arrived, and I do notice the people we are truly friends with, as opposed to the ones we are 'friendly" with due to sports or other kid activities, are more well off and educated then the majority of our town. I don’t think this has as much to do with bank accounts as it does with similar views on education, politics, and world views in general.
Our long term friends from growing up, college, and just starting out are more diverse economically and that doesn’t seem to cause any discomfort. I feel the difference in these friendship are that we were not already sorted out into our current economic strata when they were formed.
It’s weird because in my town/friend group, it seems to be the people with less money that are going to the fancy restaurants and on pricey vacations. Or at least the ones posting about it on social media.
My siblings are all flying all over on international vacations. We haven’t mostly because of trying to sort out health issues and get the right equipment so I CAN travel internationally. Plus, my volunteer gigs generally have a few trips they want/need me to take in the US, so that is a bit limiting. Sibs seem to have no qualms sharing info about their fabulous trips and meals, etc. Sometimes it irks me be mostly it doesn’t.
I live a great life and we have always been able to pay our bills and live within our means.
Wow, I find this question difficult to answer. I think our friend group is pretty similar. In fact, I think, income-wise, we are on the low end. But also we just don’t spend a lot – never have, never will – so in some ways I feel like we are better off than many of our friends with similar or higher incomes.
I always told the kids that you never know what goes on behind closed doors. So even if someone is living a larger life than us, can they afford it? Beats me. For instance, I have a friend who was a SAHM but whose dh is a lawyer. Not a big corporate lawyer, but I assume that he made a good salary, certainly more than my schoolteacher dh. But they also had six kids. And they are devout and so often take all or most of their family on pilgrimages all over the world. Their house is smaller than ours and not in as nice an area. So, are they better off than us? 
Are they maxxing out their credit cards to finance those trips, or have they lived below their means so that these trips are no big deal? Again
Another friend has two sons like we do and live in a house similar to ours in a nearby neighborhood. She has continued to work part time as a therapist, and he’s a college professor. Surely, they make a lot more money than us. But their family of four has only ever had one car even though it seems like they could afford at least one more. Recently, she asked me for financial advice, and I was so surprised how much they didn’t understand. And I sincerely worry that they are seeking help from people who maybe don’t have their best interest in mind.
Meanwhile, our next-door neighbor didn’t graduate HS and always has worked in physical blue-collar jobs so he needed to retire early, but his wife (I’m not sure whether she graduated HS or not) wisely worked long enough at the state to draw a pension and then got a job with the city long enough to get a second pension. She finally retired last year, and they seem to be doing really well. Every year they spend a month in Europe visiting their granddaughter.
I find people and their finances endlessly interesting. But I just observe and wonder; I don’t stick my nose in their business! lol
We also have no idea if the “people” we know inherited money. Had parents who supported their lifestyle. Paid for college. Paid for vacations. And on and on. I’m not even aware of the jobs they have all the time.
Too many variables.
I played golf last week with 2 retired teachers married to men who both had pensions. One law enforcement, one auto worker.
They all have pensions, retiree health benefits. It’s a good life. I suspected some, but wasn’t aware that actually they are doing really well.
I did at times find out that many of the people who lived in the community where I felt I had less, they had parents who funded a lot of the extras they enjoyed that we didn’t. That community was flashier than the one I live in now. Where people live more simply. Because that is what they are used to.
That is an excellent point about family money. I know none of the three couples I wrote about above has any help from family. In fact, they are the ones more likely to be on the hook for helping loved ones.
We moved 8 years ago and this is the first time ever that our new friends are all similar socio-economically . I think it’s a function that most of the new people we’ve connected with are neighbors, where previously it was a combo of old friends, school friends, work friends and other parents we met at D’s school. To be clear, we are still friends with all our old friends too but we don’t see each other very frequently since we are multiple states away from each other.
In terms of your second question about being cautious about what’s discussed, I would say that yes, we are careful to be sure we aren’t oversharing about expensive activities with friends who have less.
I am aware of what our very good friends’ financial situation is because the H had a very high level job at the same company where H worked. They were our friends long before he moved up in his job, so the income disparity was just never relevant for us. I can honestly say that while I think some of our friends have more, some have the same & some have less, it’s more of a guess. We don’t talk about it. Sure, some have giant houses or go on nice vacations, but it’s just not anything that affects us in any way. We have no interest in vacationing with friends, so it’s not anything that impacts us.
However, we are increasingly aware of the changes affecting the small community where our cottage is located. It’s on an island, and everyone traditionally has known each other. We sort of knew that some people were pretty well off - for example, everyone celebrated when the guy who owned a plastics business got a huge contract to supply IBM with computer cases, because it was really exciting. But for the most part, everyone had a summer cottage, nothing too fancy, and no one talked about work or money. Flash forward to today, and the place is populated with people who make it known that they have money. We find it incredibly annoying, and it has ruined things for us.
I feel like I know a lot about my current, close, neighborhood freinds’ finances. We talk pretty openly about jobs, layoffs, how we are financing school, what we’re doing about investments, vacations, etc. I also think I tend to be friends with these people because they are “real” and no one is putting on a show or spending what they don’t have. It’s just the kind of people I value and attack/am attacked to. My closest (local) friend has been involved in a family/business lawsuit that has dragged on for years that has major (negative) financial implications. It’s not something she would discuss outside of our group, but is very open with us about it.
I think when one is talking about income disparity and says “lives in a diverse area” you should look at your neighborhood, not a city. How diverse is that? If you walk the streets in a half mile direction from your house, what is the diversity of income, not race, there? I would guess most areas are pretty uniform. This probably applies more to the other thread.
I don’t have many friends I hang out with. I consider my friends my workplace colleagues. And we are probably roughly the same. I’m likely better off than most most are solid middle class by the national definition with household incomes (most with two people working) around $100K. My kids had friends with people less fortunate - with parents in prison or deported - and better off (doctors/lawyers kids). I am “friends” with their parents but I haven’t talked regularly with them since our kids grew up and left. But if we see each other out and about, we stop and chat for awhile like old times.
In our friend group, we are probably the “Millionaire Next Door” type. If you haven’t read the book, it describes someone who wears a Timex instead of a fancy watch because it accomplishes the same thing. We live below our means, but do own a vacation home so that outs us some. But I mostly wear clothes from Old Navy, Loft, DSW etc when a lot of people I see are in Nordstrom or Lilly etc. Of course there are also several thrift shops that do a good business with folks who can’t afford Loft.
Our close friends are similar enough in that that they can spend on what they value. For one friend, it is travel. Their home is more modest and not updated but they prefer to use their discretionary $ to travel. Another friend just did a huge reno to their home, big fancy kitchen, pool etc but they love to entertain and lure their young adult kids back to visit.
We have friends in all sorts of income brackets though. Our town has an area of older row homes and twins that are popular again, and then developments with expensive suburban McMansions, plus a few trailer parks and several subsidized housing developments. Our school district is 30% on free and reduced lunch, 12% ELL population, but there are several neighborhoods of multi million dollar homes. Part of why we love living here is the diversity of SES, race, ethnicity, and backgrounds.
For sure. I have never tried to guess someone’s status or wealth from outward appearances. At one of my DH’s jobs, we knew executives who lived paycheck to paycheck. Sure they were HEFTY paychecks, but it was all immeditaely spent on private school, country club fees, big car leases, HELOC loans and so forth.
That is not how I want to live. Some people who choose a modest home may have a lot more money in the bank. Or they don’t choose to buy name brand jewelry, or their kids don’t carry around Stanley bottles or wear Lululemon pants etc.
I’m curious if someone was going to tear down the properties next to your home and build section 8 housing, would you cheer the diversity or be upset?
And fwiw I consider anyone making over $500k to be the same. Maybe even $250K. You can buy what you need and a lot of what you want. It’s when you get down to the can I afford to buy this medicine or not vs someone who can afford the fly somewhere on vacation is where the divide begins to occur.
We have Section 8 housing in our neighborhood.
Someone upthread mentioned a half-mile radius … within a half mile of our 'hood/in our 'hood we have Section 8 housing, condos, duplexes and even a tiny home/RV park. About a half-mile or so away as the crow flies are large, pretty nice apartment complexes. This makes our elementary and middle schools pretty diverse economically, although specifically low-SES is probably only about 25-30%. We also have million-dollar homes in our subdvision, but some of those people opt for privates. Most of us who have lived here a while are pretty standard middle class, but some upper middle-class people have moved in because that’s who can afford the remodeled homes. Most of us have not extensively remodeled our homes so won’t get top dollar when we sell.
Also lots of diversity within even a block of us too - rentals, condos, duplexes and single family homes.