Sport A vs. Sport B. Need help with indecisive teen vs. frustrated parents

Parents Forum
21

I’m not in the exact position as you but I just wanted to say that I totally get where you are coming from. ECs that take a ton of time and/or money are exhausting for parents. I can’t tell you how many times I wanted to tell S19 to stop XC/track. He was in the middle of the team. A strong runner but our top seven all went D1 (top seven runners get to run in the best meets and get the most attention from the coaches). But that didn’t matter. He still ran 60+ miles a week, had injuries on and off, had coaches yelling at him, and got home exhausted every day of the school year to face five hours of homework. I just wanted it to be OVER.

But he loved it. Those were his best friends. He got to spend hours and hours with them during training. So many tears fell when they all said goodbye to each other this summer as they are now all over the US for college. In hindsight, it was worth it. On the day to day basis, I was so done dealing with the coach’s attitude, the obvious exhaustion of S19 throughout the whole year, the trips to PT to see if that nagging injury could be worked out. So many things he could have been doing with that time!

And you know what? He’s doing it again in college. Coach was excited to have him and he’s in the middle of the pack again. It’s taking three hours a day M-Sat. He and I were both hoping he’d have time for multiple ECs in college but XC/track looks like it will be a time suck. He is able to pick up a few clubs here and there so it’s a little better than high school, but the sport will be his biggest EC if he sticks with it. I asked him a few days ago if he thinks all of the time is worth it when there’s so much more to experience there. He said unequivocally yes. I think sports is more than the sport for the kids. It’s a sense of belonging that rewards them with best friends. There’s a teamwork aspect that isn’t always part of other types of ECs. Working out and pushing each other bonds them for sure.

All of this to say that I get it. In your D’s case, it doesn’t sound like she wants to quit volleyball at all. I would just let it go. If she can be on both the volleyball and the softball teams in high school, that’s great. You would know by now if she was recruitable in either sport so I say just let her do what she wants. She can play either or both for fun in college via club or she might just find something completely different. Maybe something like ultimate frisbee…sounds like a lot of kids love it and switch to it as a club sport in college. Who knows!

22

Well - how competitive is your daughters HS volleyball team? And how fair is the coach?

My lacrosse player was a bench warmer on varsity for a good portion of her junior year. She started a few games as a senior because of injuries and played very well. Her team was super good and had a bunch of superstar like girls on it that really ran over the others. AND I really do think her coach played favorites.

But my D loved lacrosse. Fast forward to recruiting – she played on a club team (and it was the B team) but you know what? She found a great spot on a D2 team and her first college start as a sophomore she was voted defender of the week in the conference coaches poll. And her college team is a top 30 program in the country for D2.

The lesson is that you cannot always go by the coach making her warm the bench.

23

Great advice!

24

D gave up vball and bsktball in HS to focus on softball. The time commitment would have been too much as our district had away games 2 hour bus rides away. There were a number of girls on her sb team that got scant PT, but they were happy in their roles and enjoyed the camaraderie. Some of the most memorable times for the team were the long bus rides. Sounds like your D.

I think if your daughter has any aspiration of playing sb in college, even D3, she’ll need the travel ball rep’s. Unless your HS plays in a very competitive district/state, the talent will be very uneven in HS ball. As a junior, to have any shot at recruitment, you will need to hit the showcase/camps hard this summer. You need to contact schools she’s interested in asap through their online recruiting questionnaire and send emails directly to the coaches with both an academic and athletic resume, along with skills (hitting, fielding, throwing, pitching (if applicable)) and game video.

Walking on is a possibility, but most teams will have tryouts because of practice rep and cost limitations. As an aside, D was able to pick up vball again in college as the sb team banded together to be an intramural vball team. They had fun and did reasonably well since they were all good athletes to begin with.

25

That’s what I’m thinking too. If she wants to do softball in college, now’s almost too late so I need to make up for lost time. I am going to let her know that the decision is hers, but if she even is contemplating college ball then all of her energies need to refocus on that. IF she is happy just playing both sports (and her HS is NOT at all regionally competitive) then that is fine. But if there is any ideas in her head of pursuing one or the other then that has to be decided now.

26

My daughter played club VB for 5 years and was on varsity for several years. Her playing time was wildly different each year. Some years she played very little, some years I think she really had too much playing time and we both would have preferred her to sit out and let some of her friends in the game. I have always tried not to discuss my irritation with playing time because in our case across multiple kids it has tended to even out over the years.

I would let the daughter decide what is the most fun for her.

Regarding someone’s Comment above about how their daughter would be pulled from a club if playing time were bad- at the most expensive club my daughter played for, it was in the contract that we were playing for practice time not playing time and the club director routinely went after parents who tried to leave without paying for the season. He bragged about it. We only did that club for one year and the playing time decisions were insanely unequal (worse for other kids, not great for my kiddo) and D and I had the only dry eyes on the team when the team was finally defeated in Orlando. Thank god the season is over, we both said. LOL. I am having playing time drama flashbacks. So OP I do have empathy for you.

27

I survived (barely) the club soccer industrial complex with two kids, so I can sympathize. :smile: If I’m understanding correctly, your daughter’s sports schedule is (1) fall - HS volleyball (2) winter - free (3) spring - HS softball (4) summer - club volleyball?

Let her keep doing HS volleyball: she’s having fun, she’s staying fit, she’s socializing, she’s learning time management and teamwork skills – all great stuff, for her, and for college admissions. But YOU should feel to disengage from volleyball as much as possible: don’t go to the games if you don’t want to, cut back or eliminate volunteering. It’s HER thing, and clearly you are not enjoying it anymore, so it doesn’t need to be your thing too. (This was a hard lesson for me, because my kids’ sports had become like a hobby for me.)

I think parental input is more justified for club sports, because they cost money and often involve more travel than HS sports. Go ahead and encourage her to rethink her summer plans (and winter plans too, if she does in fact play volleyball over the winter). Maybe switch to club softball over the summer – or use the time to do something entirely different, like a job/internship/volunteering/pre-college program. Maybe use the winter months to explore school activities, or to do some indoor batting practice or pitching lessons. Get her thinking about other uses of her time, but I wouldn’t demand she quit club volleyball unless it was truly a financial and logistical hardship for you.

For softball, again, follow her lead. Let her do club softball over the summer if she wants to. Maybe she’ll love club softball, but still want to return to HS volleyball in the fall. That’s fine. Maybe she’ll get so fired up about club softball that she’ll want to quit HS volleyball senior year and do fall softball. That’s fine too. But the decision should come from her. Her recruitment chances are probably pretty slim, so I wouldn’t make that a big factor.

28

You are correct with her schedule. Last summer she worked at a local mini golf range (which gave her time to do her homework) and did VB twice a week but at night. I actually go to very few of her games since I have Two other children (including a very young one who wouldn’t enjoy sitting through games).

I am really glad I posted here since I was really ready to pull the plug on volleyball. Hearing from everyone has convinced me that I should just LET her do this as a fun EC and not to push or pull in one direction or the other.

29

When reading thru the thread, I was thinking I was glad you posted too!

Seriously, even though there is a range of perspectives, everyone is so wise. Definitely helped me clarify some thinking too?

30

And you want to add a travel team sport to this? Why?

31

My D19 bagged her two sports senior year of HS. So instead she worked a ton more especially 2nd semester. The world did not end. It was her choice. I would have supported her either way. Luckily playing HS sports is basically free and she has a car so she could drive herself if she had played.

We only have one rule in the house regarding sports/activities. It is if you sign up for a season you finish the season no quitting in the middle of anything.

D19 really liked making the extra money. She went so crazy working during HS and Summers she doesn’t have to work right now in college.

32

A few comments:

–Playing on HS teams is not always free. I paid $1500 for my daughter to play on a private HS team as a freshman, and it would have been $850 at the public school. California HS teams are not subsidized by the school districts. Some have found ways to cover the costs, but others just charge the parent. In Florida it was $60 plus whatever the coach wanted to charge for extras like warm up suits. I’d say it was about $200/yr, another $75 for game day meals, more money for coaches gifts, clinics, cleats, sticks, under armor shirts she wore for 5 minutes and found ‘too hot’ … $$$.

–Every team has players who ride the bench. Nice coaches will try to get everyone some playing time, but it is hard to work them into game because the starters have a rhythm going on. My daughter played college lax and there are 12 on the field at a time. Usually 15 of 22 players got playing time in a game and those other 7 just sat, game after game. One girl in my daughter’s year was on the team all 4 years and probably played in 5-6 games while the other 6 started every single game and played almost every minute. She came back year after year, her parents came to almost every game, hosted parties, etc. One team in our conference had 36 rostered players! That’s 2/3s of their team rarely seeing the field. They were the NCAA champs twice so you have to figure the coach knew what she was doing. In fact, the NCAA only allows 24 kids to dress for the playoffs, so 12 players couldn’t even be on the field. The coach at Rollins College platoons his players in like a hockey team so he uses 22-25 players in a game but that’s a rare style for lax. Great coach, great guy. I would have loved my daughter to have played for him but it would have meant her playing time was cut in half.

–there are articles about how good coaches make those practice players feel good, part of the team, important to the team. “Rudy” made a whole career out of being a practice player. If OP’s daughter still wants to be on the team knowing she’ll get no playing time, I’d say her coach is doing a good job of making her feel important and needed for the team to succeed. Still, boring for the parents.

–D1 volleyball teams have many full scholarship players who aren’t seeing playing time. I bet there are 4 scholarship players (of 12) not seeing any floor time in many games. They were superstars in high school/club, got a full scholarship to college, and now are riding the bench. Full scholarship players not playing! A D1 football team has 30+ full scholarship players not playing in the game every week.

–If OP’s daughter really wants to play VB in college, there will be a team for her. It might be D2 or a lower ranked D1 team, but there will be a spot. And playing time may still be a problem for the parents. It always is.

–Picking up a ‘ball’ sport late in high school is pretty hard. Most of those softball players have been playing since they were 6, tossing the ball, hitting off a tee. My D roomed with softball players in college and they were all about softball. They had no time at all during the season for anything else and D had the suite to herself almost every weekend (her team played mostly home games).

33

Just a note, OP has mentioned her DD is not going to be a star, as she’s not even started a softball career and hasn’t broken through in VB yet. Advice about D1 programs or college varsity roles might be more valuable to others than her.

But I’d echo @twoinanddone in pointing out that there are a lot of levels of play, from D1 powerhouses to D3 1-18 cellar-dwellers to intramural leagues, so just about anyone can find a game if they want to play later in life. Keep it loose, survive high school with good memories and don’t get too hung up on perfect solutions. Sports are supposed to be fun.

34

My D played two sports in MS/HS. One she was very good at and one she was OK at. She stayed with the OK one through junior year - captain of JV and leader to younger players - and opted not to play senior fall on varsity (where she likely wouldn’t play much) so she could do college apps/visits, take a heavy class load and work to save money for college. She played the other sport all the way through and started, played a lot, etc.

These were HER choices and I respected them, even though I really enjoyed being a spectator and had been involved in both teams.

In intramural in college and now in a rec league at work, guess which sport she plays? Yes…the one she dropped senior year. Turns out a mediocre varsity player is a fantastic intramural/work league player :smiley:

35

I’d definitely recommend doing some research about softball recruiting for D3 schools and how complicated that can be. Would you be OK with her picking X school over Y school because they need a pitcher instead of a shortstop? Is she willing to practice 4 hours per day on top of her classes and work (plus any unofficial practices)? There are definitely other ways to play sports in college that aren’t so intense. Softball and volleyball are both pretty universally offered at club/intramural level.

36

Let her do what she wants…see if you can car pool with another parent to lessen the pick ups.

37

Well, while I would not advocate making choices in high school based on college admissions, recruiting does seem to be on your mind. So I will just add to the discussion here and say that playing the harp will help her way more than any sport, with admissions. She can do a recording, a music resume, and get some recommendations from a teacher or director and submit it to colleges.

I think a lot of kids stick with sports for social reasons. I always admire the outliers who leave sports to do something else.

Has she entirely stopped with music? Does she take lessons? Perform?

One of mine unexpectedly switched from sports to music and is in a doctoral program in music now.

38

Ok…now I’m confused. One of my kids did two high school sports (swimming and track). That same kid still had time for lessons on two musical instruments, children’s choir in 9th and 10th grade, and precollege wind ensemble and orchestra (all day every Sunday) for all four years of high school at a conservatory. And the kid also played in her high school ensemble, and was in the school musical every year too.

Why wouldn’t this OP’s kid be able to play volleyball and softball at school…and also do her instrument.

And my kid was able to take drivers ed, get her flu shots, and have fun too.

I don’t understand why playing two high school sports is such a huge issue in terms of her time.

39

My kids were able to smash a ton of stuff into a mere 26 hours day as well, but we live near school and they’d spend most of the day there and do homework in the down times and sneak out of lunch to visit teachers they needed to see and took zero hour courses by the fistfull. But I can see running out of time if there’s a lot of driving or she’s slow at homework or needs seven hours of sleep or something.