<p>Actually Zooser, my kids both took piano lessons as well as their other instruments. If your son plans to be a music major, piano lessons should be part of his plan soon. When we went on tours with our son… And folks asked what the kids could do to prepare, EVERY school said that if the kid wasn’t already taking piano , they should start ASAP.</p>
<p>^^^^^That’s true. It used to be true that most music major programs have a required piano component. Might as well start now.</p>
<p>Music major programs still have a piano requirement. They also have a music theory requirement. Both of my kids said the single thing that helped them most with theory was their piano study. (dd took the ap music theory exam… Got a 5…she was not a music major).</p>
<p>Chedva is right.</p>
<p>These laws had to be made because too many spouses (mostly women) were left stranded because of decisions that they were unaware of… There was a time when wives were often completely left in the dark in regards to family finances beyond grocery money. </p>
<p>Similar laws are in place to prevent spouses from naming a non-spouse as beneficiary of life insurance policies (without spouse consent). In cases where one spouse would get retirement benefits and there’s a surviving spouse option, the spouse now has to sign if the retiree declines surviving spouse benefits. Again, because too many widows were left destitute.</p>
<p>The gov’t does often act in these kind of situations otherwise the victims become burdens to society. It’s easier in the long run to just make sure that there’s some “sunshine” when family decisions like these are made involving retirement accts and such.</p>
<p>I once worked with a many who was having to support his mother-in-law. Her H had not selected survivors benefits when retiring. He only lived a few months after retiring, leaving his widow rather helpless. She had no idea about these options. This was before laws were in place.</p>
<p>Before you invest the money… be sure that you are buying what you think you are.</p>
<p>[What</a> Kind of Clarinet did Benny Goodman Play?](<a href=“http://www.clarinetdepot.com/clarinet-articles/goodmans-clarinet]What”>http://www.clarinetdepot.com/clarinet-articles/goodmans-clarinet) </p>
<p>The point is that he played a lot of different types of instruments in his professional career. I looked this up because I still have a very nice Selmer that I paid $2,000 for in 1982 when I was 16 years old. I used my own money, earned from paper route, retail job, and giving clarinet lessons. I was also VERY devoted to the clarinet (played in every school group I could – bands, orchestra, pit orchestra, etc.), and volunteered at many pit orchestras around my city. Summer camps for clarinet, etc. However… I decided not to major in it at college because orchestra jobs are SO scarce, and I knew I did not want to be a band teacher (the standard fallback for those who do not make it in performance jobs). Your son, although devoted now, may make the same decision when faced with the realities of trying to make a living as a musician.</p>
<p>Regarding the 401K – the creation of the 401K was never intended as a piggy bank for saving for pre-retirement expenses. The rules for getting money out are difficult on purpose to discourage people from gutting their (or their spouses) retirement savings.</p>
<p>I would say that your problem is not the laws surrounding the 401K. It is a relationship issue with the hubby, and conflict over how to spend money period. You say your paycheck goes to household expenses… well, cut back your 401K deposit and put the extra into a savings account in your name to save for this gift for your son if you really want to do it. There shouldn’t be any problem with that legally.</p>
<p>Regarding the weddings… is your H REALLY going to balk at paying a portion of their wedding? It is customary in the US for the bride’s family to pay a good portion of the bill. If he really isn’t going to, you should tell him to let your daughter’s know now that they are on their own for that expense (if he hasn’t already). Might be that their reaction will cause him to rethink (depending on what that is). If all you are talking about is buying the gowns, together that is likely to add up to less than this clarinet. Don’t waste thousands on something they will wear ONCE that has minimal resale value.</p>
<p>Two more thoughts on the instrument. If your son wants to find musical jobs, versatility is important. Many clarinet players own several types of clarinets (not brands, but literally types). He plays a B flat clarinet now. But he will eventually likely need to own other types (eg, an A clarinet, etc.). And if he plays in pit orchestras, they love people who can handle a couple different instruments (eg, clarinet, sax. flute, etc.). If you MUST buy him a “Benny Goodman” type clarinet as a grand gesture, be sure he gets it at least a year ahead of his conservatory auditions. It takes a while to get used to a new instrument, even a really fine one. And he will need an expensive mouthpiece or two to go with it to get the full benefit, too.</p>
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Just to set your mind at ease, at 13 he has an A clarinet (required for a program he did) that we rent, as well as two Bb clarinets that he owns. He plays the sax very well, although we only rent that instrument – which my husband thinks is a waste of money and wants to buy (go figure). He has more mouthpieces than I can count, some very expensive, as well as various ligatures. He took piano lessons for a couple of years, but stopped this year to focus on the high school process, which went better than we could have hoped. He will undoubtedly take back up the piano at some point, although he has a Casio (sp?) keyboard and not a piano. I will probably bust my husband’s chops at some point about a piano, just to make him appreciate the clarinet. Son is very aware of the various clarinets played by Benny Goodman. He has selected one to hope for that both he and his teacher think might be a good fit.</p>
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He will not pay for their weddings. He has already said so and our deal was always that we would educate them and their weddings would be their own business. They both know that and I agree with him on that, but I do reserve the right to buy gowns if I so choose. I think one of my daughters will want a very small wedding, though, so her dress won’t be a significant expense.</p>
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It’s not laws surrounding the 401-K. It’s the rules of my particular plan with which I disagree.</p>
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I don’t think I ever indicated that he wanted to make a living as a musician. I don’t think that’s ever been his plan beyone playing things like weddings and social events with his high school classmates. The kids in the school make some nice money and he wants to get his. If asked now, my son would say that he wants to be a CPA.</p>
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<p>During college summer breaks, I used to work temp clerical jobs. I met MANY people in these dead end jobs who had been performance majors in college, but couldn’t make a living at it. I ended up changing my major (and spent an extra year in college as a result).</p>
<p>Quote:
Regarding the weddings… is your H REALLY going to balk at paying a portion of their wedding?
He will not pay for their weddings. He has already said so and our deal was always that we would educate them and their weddings would be their own business. They both know that and I agree with him on that, but I do reserve the right to buy gowns if I so choose. I think one of my daughters will want a very small wedding, though, so her dress won’t be a significant expense.</p>
<p>???</p>
<p>Is this the same H who (over)paid for his mom’s funeral to make sure every one of her expensive wishes were met? Seems odd to me. I know that you were against those expenses, but they were paid for anyway. I’m confused. Are you saying that your H can veto some of your decisions, but not the other way around?</p>
<p>I can’t imagine not contributing to my children’s weddings…and I have BOYS! If I wasn’t going to contribute, then I wouldn’t feel right about handing over a guest list of people that I wanted invited. At a minimum, I will pay the “per guest cost” for all guests that I want invited.</p>
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Did you miss the part where I said I agree with him? I don’t think parents should pay for weddings, I think that should be up to the couple, with as generous a wedding gift as the parents can/want to afford. We are totally on the same page with this. I do not want to and will not pay for my kids’ weddings, except any particular item I choose to give as a gift. My husband is free to give whatever gift he wants, but we won’t be paying for the weddings and won’t commit to paying for things like liquor, music, flowers. My kids should have whatever wedding they can afford, just as my husband and I did.</p>
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I wouldn’t dream of handing over a guest list. It’s none of my business. I hope they won’t go out of their way to hurt feelings as my niece did last year, but I have no reason to believe they will because they never have acted that way. My D1 is 23 and has been with the same boy for about 3 1/2 years. They occasionally broach the subject. She asked me recently told me that she would like to have a small, initimate wedding in the Hershey Gardens and that she would like her brother to play her down the aisle. I said “great, send me an invitation!” and I meant it. I will only offer an opinion if I’m specifically asked.</p>
<p>I’m with mom2collegekids on the wedding business and I have boys also. I look forward to their weddings some day and hosting a rehearsal dinner . Helping a daughter with a wedding and all the preparations that go with it would seem to be an honor.</p>
<p>I have to chime in and say that I hate the way weddings have evolved to extravaganzas. I didn’t want a wedding like that myself years ago, and I would not want to put on a wedding like that. I loved my wedding, and it was exactly what I wanted. I have sons, and when they marry someday (I hope!), I realize that my prospective DIL’s families may be putting on the kind of weddings I hate, and I’m sure we will subsidize this to the extent that we can. I would want my DILs to have the weddings of their dreams, as I did. But it would never be my choice to do the typical wedding. </p>
<p>I am an involved parent, and I hope to be close to my sons’ families, but it gives me a headache to even think about the time, energy, and money that goes into a typical wedding.</p>
<p>I agree,NYMomof2, Hopefully no major extravaganzas down the road! But I guess that will be up to the bride’s family! Or, the bride and groom (in the scenario like zoosermom’s where the couple would be paying for everything themselves).</p>
<p>We don’t even have enough people to invite to make an extravaganza possible. Maybe, with dates, we could fill one table outside of the bridal party. I love my daughters madly and we have done everything to make sure that they have the educations of their dreams, but my husband and I believe that the financial responsibility for their weddings rests with the couples, themselves. If they want help planning and running errands, attending testings, that’s great, but that’s as far as I will take it. At least they won’t ever have to worry about having one of those psycho opinionated moms.</p>
<p>Unless the groom’s mom is a psycho!</p>
<p>I think we tend to go by our own experiences. My parents paid for my wedding, and my inlaws paid for the rehearsal dinner and the flowers at the wedding. They have a HUGE family and we do not, but still, with friends, family, parents friends and their coworkers, there were a fair number of people there. It wasn’t an “extravaganza” by any means, it was a Sunday morning outdoor event (can you say HOT!) with a light brunch afterwards and a jazz band playing in the background. Still, it was in the NE and no wedding, invitations, photographer, etc up there is cheap. We subsequently hosted our own reception in the city my DH and I live in which we paid for. </p>
<p>If your daughters wanted even a modest wedding but didnt have the funds to cover all the basic costs, would you not help out at all, Zoos (costs other than the dress, that is)?</p>
<p>
Excellent point!</p>
<p>D1’s boyfriend’s mom actually is a psycho. Total whackjob. Left the home and family to become a hippy before finally returning and getting divorced. THe adult kids mostly support her. Come to think of it, D2’s boyfriend’s mom is a whackjob, too. Maybe worse of a whackjob.</p>
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That sounds wonderful. </p>
<p>
Probably not. Maybe I would have something in the backyard. If they mostl had the wedding covered and wanted a splurge, I would be more likely to do that, but I honestly don’t think I would cover the actual wedding costs because if they really don’t have the money, I think they should either save longer or scale back. I probably sound heartless, which I’m not, but it’s something I really don’t want to pay for. But to be fair, my husband and I have always been up front with them about it. When they do get married, they could expect a large financial gift, though.</p>
<p>Yes, I have to admit I thought our wedding was classy and understated, as was our desire. The buffet brunch was lovely, and the jazz quartet was organized by an old friend of mine from college (a pianist). We had a maid of honor and best man, but no other bridal party (no formal bridesmaids or groomsmen). That said, it was still not cheap, and it was a long time ago! </p>
<p>As parents of sons, I think we’d still be willing to give $$ towards a wedding if either of the boys asked. Hopefully neither will select a spouse who would want a real over-the-top event. I must admit I’venot given a moments thought to what the potential inlaws policy might be about paying for a wedding. In this day and age there are lots of different arrangements, especially as many “kids” are well established intheir careers when they marry and have thier own funds.</p>
<p>Friends of ours son married a lovely young lady whose parents were divorced. Dad was a true butthole and refused to pay for things yet wanted to control everything. His ex wife did not have much money. So our friends ended up paying for much of the wedding because they wanted their kids to have a lovely event. It was lovely. Also not over the top. But not cheap by any means. I suppose if a parent plans to give a large financial wedding gift the kids can choose to use it any way they please.</p>
<p>I would be more likely to give a large cash wedding gift that could be used toward a down payment on a house.</p>
<p>Our wedding was at a historic house in the Boston suburbs that could be rented. There was a lovely pond on the grounds, and that’s where the wedding itself was. The musicians we hired were a large family who all played various stringed instruments. During the ceremony, they played classical music on violins/violas/cellos. During the reception, they played everything including bluegrass, including instruments like banjoes and some instruments I’d never seen before (or since). We had great food, served buffet style, and a lovely cake, and the flowers were things like zinnias. My dress was a sheer white mid-calf length over dress embroidered with lilies of the valley, over a slinky white slip-dress like the one JFK Jr’s wife wore (and at that time my figure was almost as good as hers was!) I had a few flowers in my hair. No veil, no train, no beading, no huge dress. We had a lot of children there. Everyone sat at tables outdoors under the trees. If it had rained, we could have done it indoors in the house.</p>
<p>This thread has evolved, hasn’t it?</p>
<p>The thread is currently (though not originally) addressing what parents may/may not choose to pay for. Its fascinating.</p>
<p>NYmom- your dress sounds similar to mine. Mine was a sheer dress with white embroidery over a spaghetti strap white “slip”. I dont recall what was originally at the waist but I replaced it with a rose colored ribbon and had a matching colored ribbon in my hair with some babies breath. No veil. No train. The only thing remotely “big” were the slightly puffy sleeves that came just above my elbows, held with elastic. I got it off the rack at an expensive dress shop in town, for $109.</p>
<p>I’d prefer to help the kids with a downpayment on a house too, but if the inlaws were “psycho cases” (using the term above) and/or couldn’t/wouldnt help and the kids couldn’t afford the event, we’d likely help out.</p>