<p>My professional musician son played in numerous ensembles throughout school. He earned money babysitting.</p>
<p>Jym, we have joint accounts with more than enough money to pay for the clarinet. But they are joint accounts and Hubby doesn’t want his money used for this. It is important to our son and it is important to me, so I want my money used for this purchase. I don’t complain about their boy trips every year, I don’t complain about golf, but I want this instrument (or whatever his music teacher thinks is best at the time) and since I put every penny into the 401-K, I think I should be able to borrow against it without anyone’s consent.</p>
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I’m sure my son will do so when he is older than 13. I can’t imagine anyone leaving anything other than a cat in his care right now. But the point is that I want to give this to my son as a gift from me. One D got an expensive piece of jewelry from me when she was 16. The other got a very expensive prom day from me. I want my son to have this as a gift from me. When the girls were younger, the economy was better and overtime was available so I made it up that way. That’s not possible anymore.</p>
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<p>Actually, I’ve been seeing more restaurants…including pizzerias and bakeries with “Hiring” signs in many parts of NYC. In fact…several have been hanging the same signs for nearly a year without any takers judging by what I’ve heard from the proprietors. </p>
<p>Common rant I kept hearing was the current generation of junior high/high school/college kids aren’t interested in getting their hands dirty and/or their parents strongly discourage them from applying thinking “they’re too young.”</p>
<p>That sounded weird to my ears considering I worked similar jobs when I was younger than 13…much less a high school/college-aged student.</p>
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Exactly, and since he contributes almost nothing, the money we budget for his discretionary expenses every month is in his pocket, while mine is mostly in my 401-K. And he could borrow on his pension (he never has) without my consent.</p>
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I sometimes wonder if you’ve ever actually been to NYC.</p>
<p>But in my area, kids would be thrilled to get their hands dirty, particularly African American boys, but nobody will hire them.</p>
<p>Is there any way that hubby would consent to a disretionary fund that you can stash? While he plays golf, can you set aside the same amount for you, for whatever you would like to use it for? Spa, kid’s clarinet, etc? If he spends $75 on golf, you put aside $75 for you. It doesn’t have to be defined, today. </p>
<p>I understand that setting up a new account would be a “bomb” for your marriage. That would be bad. </p>
<p>I remember struggling with a household budget when my kids were small and I was home full time, scrimping and saving, buying nothing for myself. He was progressing through the career ladder and building a retirement fund, while I had three whiny, tiny children at home and no career/retirement in sight. Then one day while in our home office, running across a stash of money (that could have been used for bills) and being pretty irate. We had to have that talk - the one where we defined what was necessary for the home, our kids, ourselves. Sometimes there would be imbalances and disagreements over what was important. He figured that stash was an emergency fund for when the atms were down in an actual emergency (totally legitimate point). I was fine with that. Money issues are usually a big deal in a marriage, especially if you are conflicted between savers and spenders, whether you are married a year, 5 years, 20 or 50.</p>
<p>Sell a piece of jewelry.</p>
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That’s a really good tip. It’s not about the dollars and cents, it’s about not forcing him to do something that he doesn’t support while giving me the opportunity to purchase or do things separately. I think he needs to realize that unless something goes strongly against his conscience, it should be weighed economically, rather than judged morally because we’re different people with different priorities, preferences and histories.</p>
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The only piece of jewelry I ever had was an engagement ring and I sold that in the broke early days of our marriage. (Not a sob story, I’m just not a jewelry person.) However, you do make an excellent point, as always. He promised he would replace it when we were financially secure, which we are now, so I may sit him down and suggest it be replaced in the form most meaningful to me.</p>
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<p>Born and raised in various parts of Queens and Manhattan during the '80’s and early-mid '90s. Came back around 2003 and been back ever since. </p>
<p>If anything, I’ve been wondering whether your perspective on only applies to Staten Island which from my previous visits and interacting with many HS classmates from that borough…is much closer culturally and politically to the more conservative all/mostly White NJ middle/upper-middle class NJ suburbs than the rest of NYC. </p>
<p>Those classmates’…and it seems yours in some ways…resembles more those I’ve observed in my older relatives’ neighbors in a couple of upper-middle class NJ suburbs than most parts of NYC.</p>
<p>By doing it the way I described, you aren’t going behind his back - which would be much healthier for your relationship!</p>
<p>The feelings of not being heard on issues like these are difficult to bear. We won’t always agree on things in a relationship and everything isn’t always equal, but compromising usually works wonders.</p>
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Another example of you not knowing what you are talking about. My neighborhood is probably more diverse than anything you’ve ever experienced. I also work in a different borough, as does my daughter. Perhaps it’s your age, but it’s been my experience in reading your posts that you really don’t have a real understanding of what is happening in the public schools now or what life is like now for kids and teenagers. Let’s just leave it at that, ok?</p>
<p>Sorry to ask for a re-hash, but I think I missed something. As I understand what you’ve described, you want to take a loan against your 401(k) because your paycheck cannot be diverted from paying household bills. If that’s the case, how would you pay back the loan?</p>
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LIke everything else, there is another side. He will say, and he will be right, that I will want to make that purchase about 2-ish years before he retires. He has always been clear that he’s worked very hard and wants to get a condo or something where it is warm and the living is cheaper, which I totally respect. My paying back that loan, even if it’s only about $60 a month will change the amount I will have available to pay bills here and keep myself afloat. I don’t think that’s a significant issue at my salary level, but he has this weird thing about not spending a penny on anything in his last few years of working. I don’t agree with that, but I understand where he is coming from.</p>
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The payment is made electronically by my employer, so it’s not in the actual paycheck. Which is a distinction with a difference in my husband’s mind. Also, my check amount is always different, so it wouldn’t stare him in the face.</p>
<p>Actually, this whole scenario reminds me of the scene in “The Joy Luck Club”. Husband and wife split everything in the household equally. There is a list on the fridge of the groceries bought by each party. One day, mom is visiting and sees ice cream on the list - but her daughter hates ice cream. All this time hubby thinks wife is dieting, but doesn’t take that item off the list as a shared expense. It starts a huge fight and wedge in their marriage. </p>
<p>It’s not usually about the money. It’s just ice cream, right? </p>
<p>It’s a sense of not being heard or understood or maybe even valued.</p>
<p>So I guess this means I am not going to get my $10 referral fee? :(</p>
<p>Too bad you can’t put it on layaway?</p>
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My husband is a very split it down the middle guy. Absolutely.</p>
<p>If I wanted to go buy a car, he would be thrilled because he understands about cars. If I booked a vacation, he would be fine. He just doesn’t understand certain things. I can see the storm clouds gathering if my daughters ever get engaged. He will not be a willing participant in wedding planning and paying. God help me.</p>
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I was just thinking that I should just get a credit card in my name. I don’t have any debt. Why not?</p>
<p>Aha. You are in trouble. Weddings are VERY expensive. ;)</p>
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<p>True, but this is also why many of the posters see this as a personal issue between a husband and wife, rather than a legal problem with how 401(k)s work.</p>