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He will retire at 54, but I plan to retire about ten years later than that for a bunch of reasons. He will be mostly wherever he gets the condo (or house, whatever) and I will probably come on vacations (although I have no interest in golf, whatsoever, although my son wants me to take it up) and stay up here where the kids and my job are.</p>
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<p>DH once gave me a VERY expensive pair of hunting binoculars for Mother’s Day.</p>
<p>What the *&%$#?</p>
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So he hunts?</p>
<p>Are you okay with that decision? It’s difficult to have a long distance relationship. </p>
<p>His living expenses will be paid by only the pension? </p>
<p>Will you have to take money out of your shared accounts to visit? Will he visit you and the kids? </p>
<p>Sorry - if it’s too personal, I don’t want to intrude. Just wondering. This seems like a HUGE issue. If my hubby decided to retire and go elsewhere but I could visit, I suspect it would be a permanent arrangement. But then, that’s my Sicilian blood talking, I guess! ;)</p>
<p>LOL, Nrdsb4. A boomerang gift!! My soon to get hiking shoes are “sorta” like that. </p>
<p>And zooserdad is buying a condo for his personal interest (near golf)? Whoa. No wine for him!! You don’t get a say in the purchase, even though its from his retirement package??? </p>
<p>I know what it needs as a housewarming gift…
well you know.
.
.
.
.
.
.a clarinet.</p>
<p>Jym,
Ha ha!</p>
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He has this lump sum thing (I forget what it’s called) which will make the downpayment, and his pension is very large, so he will pay his living expenses and then some. He wants me to retire when he does and come down with him. We can afford that, but I have no interest in living my life that way.</p>
<p>He thinks I’ll be tempted by a life of leisure and sun and will come with him. I think he will be bored and lonely and end up here all except vacations. We’ll see.</p>
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I could raise a fuss, but in the legal sense I don’t have to sign off on anything to do with that lump sum. He gets it, he can do what he wants with it unless we divorced, which we won’t. He’s not planning to leave me high and dry, he has been preparing for a long time and if it was our shared dream I would be the most grateful woman in the world, but it’s not my dream. He really thinks that he is doing a great thing for us. I don’t agree.</p>
<p>I’ve read the thread and I think I have a sense of things.</p>
<p>Your husband, while frugal, basically sounds like a reasonable man. How committed are you to hosting a wedding for your daughters? I ask because it’s not something I want to do for my daughter. I just find it an extravagance that isn’t important to me.</p>
<p>What do you really want and what are you willing to forgo? It sounds like you really want this clarinet for your son. What do you not really care about that is something your husband might think you are planning on? Can’t you approach him and point out you’re planning to work until you are 65, you are willing to forgo paying for your daughter’s weddings, (as an example), but you really want this instrument for your son? Won’t he see that you don’t ask him for much and since you work hard you are entitled to have something for yourself without working overtime?</p>
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<p>Rarely. But he said he thought I would enjoy them because we had bought a new lake house and I said I loved sitting on the patio just admiring the view. </p>
<p>I thought it was a little odd, but kind of sweet. But when I found out how much they cost, I was rather steamed. Especially given the fact that he often turns the AC up as he is leaving the house in the summer to spend the day in his cold office, or how he snipes at the kids if they forget to turn off a light before they go to school, or how he turns the AC up late at night after I go to sleep, thinking I’ll never notice (fat chance as I am in the midst of perimenopause with the horrible night sweats and hot flashes). </p>
<p>He focuses on the little expenditures but thought nothing of spending a small fortune on a pair of hunting binoculars. Boggles the mind…</p>
<p>He’s a good guy, so this is all small potatoes in the big picture I guess.</p>
<p>Retirement separation package, lump sum severence, golden parachute, whatever you call it, its a windfall. But it should be a JOINT decision, especially if you may someday live there.</p>
<p>Property values are much lower now than when your husband hatched the idea to buy a condo. Get the clarinet with the price differential.</p>
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Not at all and they know that. HOwever, I reserve the right to buy their dresses and/or wedding cakes if I so choose.</p>
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I’ve told him countless times that I’m not retiring with him. He doesn’t believe that anyone would choose to work when there is another option.
We also agreed long ago that we wouldn’t pay for weddings, so that’s not really on the table. We made the deal that we would educate them to the best of our and their abilities and we have done so. The weddings are their problem. Except the couple of things I would like to give if able.</p>
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I think it’s very sweet. At least he gave it some consideration.</p>
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I’m completely fine with him getting a condo and golfing to his heart’s content. I’m just not going to give up my job or move away from my kids until the time is right for me.</p>
<p>Zooser…you need a sugar bowl or tea pot at the back of one of your kitchen cabinets that NO ONE else knows about. Start putting money in it. I know my mom always had a “reserve” account that she kept, and my step mom STILL has one. They both just “sheltered” a little of the discretionary money to THEIR discretionary vessel.</p>
<p>I know most of my friends’ moms did the same thing.</p>
<p>Does he know how important the clarinet is to you?</p>
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He knows but he doesn’t understand. He is completely flummoxed by it.</p>
<p>Could he view it as an investment in future college scholarships? I would also think that a better instrument now might make some sense, if viewed that way. You could point out that your son’s musical talent and hard work have already earned a valuable scholarship. The new instrument could help him do well in competitions like the one NY State holds every year, and gain him valuable opportunities. Building up a musical “resume” will serve him well in 4 years. The cost of the instrument is a drop in the bucket compared to merit/musical scholarships he could be in line for.</p>
<p>Actually, maybe he would understand better if he knew that the instrument was very important to your son. As time goes on, perhaps he will understand that a serious musician cannot continue to play on a student instrument.</p>
<p>That being said…<em>I</em> am flummoxed that it’s OK for him to buy a condo, but it’s not ok for you to buy a clarinet. I don’t “get it”.</p>
<p>I worked a professional job, and earned a decent salary. My husband knew that there were purchases I would make without his consent (usually nothing huge, although I did go on a cruise once). I work…I deserve to have some discretionary money to spend as I wish…as does he. BUT this does NOT include either of our retirement accounts which both of us will need in our retirements.</p>
<p>You say you are financially secure. You say you and your husband will likely be supporting TWO households when he retires…with travel costs back and forth for visits. Seems to me that there should be money in the mix for something important to your son…after all…he is your son AND your husband’s son. I don’t “get it”.</p>