It’s because it’s not about the money, it’s about the fact that my son has a clarinet and my husband doesn’t understand why that’s not good enough. I will get the clarinet, there’s no question about it. The whole point of the thread isn’t about whether or not it will be purchased. It will. It’s about my shock in finding out (via my friend’s situation) that I need my husband’s consent to take a loan off my 401-K. I did not know.</p>
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That’s the plan. If he doesn’t get with it when the time comes, I’m going to buy it anyway because I do think it’s important.</p>
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Our situation is different than it would have been otherwise because my husband can retire so young with a local/state tax free pension and lifetime medical/dental/prescription coverage, which is worth a lot of money. I, on the other hand, am in the private sector so I have to save for my own retirement. In the early years of our marriage, he didn’t have the city job, so I was saving for both of us and had employers who were very generous in terms of matching funds, so I have a lot more money than many people my age. The discrepancy between when I can retire and when he can is where the conflict comes in. He believes he is saving and scrimping so we can both retire debt free and comfortably in our mid-50s. I want no part of that and am saving for the time when I will retire in my mid-60s, but I want to live a bit first. The retirement dates and plans we each have just don’t meet anywhere, so our finances have to separate in the retirement context.</p>
<p>Ask him if his golf score would be any different if he played with beginner, middle school level golf clubs or really good ones? Maybe that’s a good analogy he could understand.</p>
<p>I can so relate to this. My husband is exactly this way. We have come to blows (not literally) over the stupidest things. I wanted to spend $300 on a spare refrigerator for the basement because we were have 50 people for Thanksgiving and he dug his heels in and it turned into a prolonged argument (I eventually got the fridge but only because his folks had one they weren’t using). This from a man who has no problem routinely spending $700 for a day of deep sea fishing or $200 for an old non-working Harley that has resided in our basement for 2 years (he doesn’t even ride motorcycles). I have a real problem with the inconsistency. In effect he’s saying if he thinks it’s important enough to spend money on, then that’s okay but if he doesn’t see it as important, then we don’t spend it. I’ve learned to hang in there and advocate for myself until I get what I want or we come to some sort of compromise.</p>
<p>In our marriage, we both have complete access to all our joint assets–joint checking & savings, cash every month distributed evenly, joint credit cards. We have not had any financial arguments that I can ever recall in our 25+ years of marriage. Mostly I buy what I want & he buys what he wants–if it’s a big purchase (over $1000), we generally consult one another. It has worked well for us.</p>
<p>Different families have different set ups. Some have some joint & some “his & hers” accounts so they can have some separate funds to dispose of as they wish, including bailing out/helping family members or “splurges.” Whatever works well for the couple and individuals involved sounds like a good plan to me. ;)</p>
<p>Would strongly advise AGAINST taking a loan against 401K for purchasing an instrument but just having a good discussion with your H & buying it outright unless your family funds don’t permit such an expenditure. Retirement funds need to stay intact so most of us won’t be a burden on our kids when we retire.</p>
<p>It seems very wrong to me that your H would give you a hard time about investing in a better instrument for your kid while he’s free to fritter away money on what HE wants, like golf. Sounds like a very unequal power balance in your family. Wonder if there is a music store that would give you credit for the instrument as a trade in when you upgrade to a better one. The music store that sold us the trumpet & violin would have done so. Both our kids started on excellent instruments and never upgraded.</p>
<p>An aside…if Zooserson is playing a decent student clarinet, and it’s in good condition, you are going to get MORE for it by selling it to a beginning student yourselves (peryaps through the local music teacher) than by using it as a trade for a better instrument.</p>
<p>I would never retire & move away from my kids unless I had a great reason–moving to a condo for golf wouldn’t cut it for me. I could retire in the near future or keep doing what I am enjoying until it is no longer fun or I can no longer get resources to commit toward it–for now am opting for the latter, which H is fine with.</p>
<p>Seems very odd that your H gets this lump sum & you have no say in it–would seem you should be entitled to half like most everything else related to retirements. We have always treated all windfalls to either of us as joint windfalls and put it in our joint account while we figure out what we want to do with it together (mostly max our retirement accounts).</p>
<p>I actually liked the idea upstream about diverting some of the 401K monies into a Roth IRA. That way, the money is still going into a retirement account but can then be used for other purposes without issue. Put $150 a month of the retirement money into a Roth…in three years if you WANT to use that for a clarinet, you will be able to. If you find that funding this instrument a different way is doable…the money will still be there for your retirement.</p>
<p>There aren’t that many offered for those who play musical instruments…and the competition to get the ones which exist is such that one usually has to play at near/full top conservatory levels. Even then…it isn’t a given as an older cousin who played in the Symphony Hall Youth Orchestra as a kid found when he got zip for his conservatory-level violin skills. </p>
<p>Reminds me a lot of an older aunt/uncle and some older relatives’ suburban neighbors’ ideas about “investing” in their kids’ sports for potential “athletic scholarships” which usually never pan out and in some cases…ended up being a huge financial sinkhole. To add insult to injury…one of those relatives asked me to help bail one of their neighbors out…the nerve.</p>
This never, in my wildest dreams crossed my mind. But it’s genius! He has two good student clarinets (one is meant for marching band which he hates, but I digress), one of which is his pet. He carries it everywhere with him. Both are in perfect condition, the second is barely used. We could sell that baby!</p>
I get it now. It is you who is the protagonist!</p>
<p>My son plays music because it gives us joy. We can afford his lessons, instruments and even his performance attire! He has also earned a high school music scholarship worth over $50,000. So, you know, not every dollar spent on kids goes into a sinkhole.</p>
I might be entitled to half (and might not) if we divorced, but we aren’t going to do so. We love each other very much. The thing is I’m not opposed to his condo. I just think it should be a little later, we should be able to do other things that make us happy (like buy our girls’ wedding dresses), and it should be a vacation home not a permanent one. So I wouldn’t go to battle to stop him because I think he’s earned this, his timing is just a little off for me. My brother had a vacation home for a few years where they spent a few weeks a year, their kids used the place, until they retired together and moved there permanently. I don’t see anything wrong with that if you’re prepared. I just think 53 and 54 are too young.</p>
<p>Athletic scholarships are rarely full-ride. Only certain sports even get a full tuition scholarship - everything else is equivalency-based.</p>
<p>We spent a lot on kid’s sports - including clubs, private instruction, camps, clinics, travel, tournaments, equipment, gatorade, etc. </p>
<p>We did it because she loved these activities, wanted to play and get better. It has. However, we knew that the “payoff” wouldn’t necessarily be financial when she applied for colleges, and so fortunately it wasn’t a blow when she only received a partial scholarship.</p>
<p>A lot of people have a second home where they spend more time as retirement comes closer, with the idea of moving there permanently upon retirement. ZooserH will be able to take more trips to the second home (since he will have already retired). But I don’t see why this family has to think of the condo as HIS home…</p>
<p>Was just saying that one shouldn’t get a professional instrument in the hopes of a college scholarship for playing a musical instrument…there aren’t many of them and the competition is stiff. </p>
<p>Moreover, I’ve known of several HS/college classmates who got along well with lower-end student level instruments…and then ended up attending some topflight conservatories…including the one at my LAC. From what they’ve related…so long as one doesn’t go for the extreme low-end models…a decent student-model instrument can serve quite well in getting a student to playing at a topflight conservatory/professional level. </p>
<p>Heck, some of them continue to use their student-instruments to teach and to even gig at venues where they aren’t automatically provided with a high end instrument…including sometimes a Stradivarius.</p>
He SWEARS he’s going down wherever as soon as he buys a place and is saving and planning accordingly (which isi great). I SWEAR that when he realizes I’m not coming full time, he will walk it back because he would be miserable without me.</p>
<p>My kids are putting money on my position. But we’ll see. Probably he will have a clearer head when he’s no longer working such a physical job, but I do give him credit for working so diligently toward his goal.</p>
<p>Has he spent much time in his chosen retirement community, zm? I ask because there can be serious culture shock when moving from one area of the country to another, and NYC to a sun-belt retirement community is a big leap. There are only so many hours a day that one can play golf.</p>
He hasn’t researched it much at all. If at all. My brother lives in a lovely area of South Carolina on a golf course. Hubby plans to copycat him, I think.</p>
<p>That may be true. However, $5000 is a huge outlay of cash for a discretionary item to be given to a 13 year old…or even a college kid even from most upper-middle class families I’ve known. Most of them would have their pre-teens/teens work to defray a portion of that amount…even if they could afford it. </p>
<p>The older cousin who was the Symphony Youth Orchestra violinist worked summers/part-time during his junior/early high school years at a pickle packing plant to pay for his instrument…and he paid the entire cost. </p>
<p>It shows the pre-teen/teen the high cost & sacrifice necessary to defray that cost, gives them greater gratification/appreciation for the item since they’ve worked to pay a portion of it, reduces risks of feeling entitled to expect parents/others to pay for high-ticket discretionary items, and will give them an opportunity to learn responsible budgeting skills.</p>