This concert talk reminded me of a pet peeve. The kids have this with DH as well and we’ve turned it into a family joke. He will fuss about not going to something that he has no interest in going to. I now ask him if he wants to attend things (knowing the obvious answer) before buying tickets, I do find and plan outings that I know he will like so it isn’t a matter of leaving him out. When the kids were younger we would ask if he wanted to go to a specific movie with us and he would decline. Later he would act like we didn’t take him of left him out. “I can’t believe you saw that without me!” He has no qualms about going fishing on his own (with a friend) for the day or weekend but somehow doesn’t see that in the same category. The most recent was my HS reunion. He went 10 years ago and had a bad time. He had to be up early and would not only have had a bad time but gotten in about 5 hours past his bed time. Still he acted as if I was not-including him. Why would I spend $80 to take you to a function that you have no interest in going to? My mom often takes the family on an outing to the local musical theater production over the holidays. This is not his thing at all and he would have a bad time. I opted him out then he acts like his feelings are hurt that he wasn’t included. “Look, YOU would hate it and it would drag down the vibe to have you there to feel included even though you’d really rather not be included. I’m doing you a favor here.” I am not going to force him to attend a function that he doesn’t want to be at ad would, therefor, hamper my own enjoyment of the event. I now specifically say to him if he wants to go to a concert with me I have every intention of dancing (if I do) and no intention of cutting out early.
We also have conversations like this when I do offer the outing:
ME: Sweetie do you want to go to X? You don’t have to but I thought I’d offer.
DH: Do you want me to go?
ME: Not if you don’t want to go. I only want you to go if you’re going to like it.
DH: So you don’t want me to go?
He manages to throw it back around so it is me excluding him from things that he never wanted to do in the first place. Grrrrrrrr
In defence of NEpatsgirl’s husband, we also don’t share appetizers and nor do any of our friends. Occasionally someone might not be so hungry and will ask does anyone want to share xyz but that’s the extent of it.
We all will prioritize in a way what things can possibly be respected by spouse with communication - like H not eating leftovers meant for a lunch. Some old dogs can learn new tricks.
The main thing is getting along together.
I agree when someone is sick and tossing in the bed, the other person doesn’t get good sleep.
Sometimes one (and on this thread it seems to be the H, but there are some women that have been raised as ‘princesses’) is just not thinking beyond either how they do things or their own world. Something doesn’t bother them, why should it bother the spouse?
We all have our ways to either work around things or learn how to cope.
I do enjoy the DVD where you can stop the program, re-play something missed.
Football season always makes H happy. That and his hobby. His work is good, stress in life is probably lower than ever for him. Kids are on track and doing well. Sights are on retirement; seems we have done well enough with our investments. We are trying to stay healthy, and getting enough exercise while eating healthy and trying to not gain weight.
Sometimes others can and do change, but one can most influence themselves - how you feel about certain things, how you can modify yourself to have a happier attitude about things, avoiding certain situations, and how you react. Sometimes deciding to be a happy person. Learning from past outcomes with various situations.
However if spouse is in the mode of ‘misery wanting company’ - it may be you leave them alone to not pull down your mood.
And one does learn new things from spouse after many years - peeling the layers back. I guess in their mind it was never important enough to reveal.
Oh I forgot one thing watching 3 programs at the same time, flicking from one to the other during ads and never getting back to any in time for the start of the next act. Thank goodness for laptops and streaming so I can tune it all out!
The kids have this with DH as well and we've turned it into a family joke. He will fuss about not going to something that he has no interest in going to. I now ask him if he wants to attend things (knowing the obvious answer) before buying tickets, I do find and plan outings that I know he will like so it isn't a matter of leaving him out. When the kids were younger we would ask if he wanted to go to a specific movie with us and he would decline. Later he would act like we didn't take him of left him out. "I can't believe you saw that without me!"
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I’m a BIG believer in asking each and every time, even if I’m sure the answer will be, “no”. I want a record of the “no”. I don’t want to later hear, “I would have gone,” or “you never asked me.” Heck, I’ll even sometimes ask by text to have a record of the answer! lol (H has a terrible long term memory for such things, so a record is nice to have!)
I have friends who “give up” asking their spouses to attend various functions…sometimes the friend goes by herself, with other friends, or doesn’t go at all. One told me that later her H made some comment that he “would have gone,” …of course the friend has doubts that he would have gone. It’s always easier to make that claim after the fact. So, always ask …even if you’re sure the answer will be “no”.
Spouse disappears into the bedroom or basement after a nice family dinner out while the kids and I sit around in the great room laughing, talking, watching TV or playing games.
OK. A bunch of us must share the same husband who talks back to the TV during political speeçhes and discussions. I don’t care if he’s in another room at the time, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to listen to what the politician or pundit is saying.
“my guess is that when another adult leaves behind a “mess” (dirty dishes, crumbs or spills on the counter, dirty socks on the floor, etc), the other spouse can feel like he’s saying, “it’s YOUR job to clean up after me.” …as if the other spouse (often the wife) is some sort of lower class citizen in the household.”
Dirty dishes on the counter are not in the same category as the other items. Because at one point or another, we all do that. So let’s go back to dishes. As far as feelings go, why would one automatically take a dirty dish on the counter as a message “I am the upper class here”? I see this becoming the “final straw” of the partner is a slob… but on its own, a stack of dirty dinnerware on the counter is such minutia, and it would not even trigger any emotions in my brain. Of course, Mr. B would never dream of leaving a spill or put the socks anywhere but the dirty laundry hamper, but he almost never put a dirty dish in the dishwasher. It does not bother me one bit, because it is so minor.
Do what makes you feel comfortable. It’s a marriage and not a power struggle. I cook and he cleans the dirty dishes. Whether the dish is rinsed or not rinsed, he does everything. Never complains. While when we eat out, I’m the one that make sure my husband and the kids have everything like sauces, salsa, water, etc… before I sit down and eat. I’m the last one to sit down and eat whether it’s at home or at a restaurant, not at a fancy one. It may sound like I’m a dutiful mail order bride if you are observing me in the restaurant, but I’m not. I don’t feel it’s a struggle.
Mr. B would never dream of leaving a spill or put the socks anywhere but the dirty laundry hamper, but he almost never put a dirty dish in the dishwasher. It does not bother me one bit, because it is so minor.
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I think that’s often the difference. If the spouse only does one or two of those “offenses,” then we chalk it up to “well, we all have flaws”. However, I’ve heard people say (mostly women, but sometimes men) who will say that their spouses really do have some expectation that their spouses are supposed to clean up after them…pick up their dirty laundry off the floor, clean up their spills, throw away their empty snack wrappers and soda cans that are left where they were sitting, etc. My H would never leave dirty laundry on the floor (gross), but his bedside will sometimes have a collection of several glasses or coffee cups. He will (eventually) bring them to the kitchen. He’s never said that he expects me to do it.
I don’t really care if a dirty dish is left at the sink. You’re right, we all do that. I think those who are complaining are just wondering why the person doesn’t just spend one more second and put it in the DW.
There was a viral video going around on Facebook where the mom (who I think is a teacher) did a hilarious video about dishes left in the sink vs putting them in the DW. I’ll try to find it.
Sorry, I had to come back. I don’t think it’s very nice to comment on someone physical appearance. I’m not sure why you felt that was something to comment about.
It doesn’t matter but I would love to have nice long beautiful hair. I don’t and I’ve learned to live with it. My H is ok with my short dark hair and I guess that is one of his good traits of which he has many.
I know a family who has 2 dishwashers… Dishes go from the clean into the dirty, bypassing the cupboards… and so does the little magnetic sticker on the front indicating which dw is holding what type of dishes at the present time. My next house is going to have 2 dw for this reason - I hate the chore of putting the dishes on the shelves.
Lol, sorghum. Funny you should say this. I was gonna make a remark that “DW” is a shorthand for both “dishwasher” and “dear wife”, but then decided against it.
watching 3 programs at the same time, flicking from one to the other during ads and never getting back to any in time for the start of the next act. Thank goodness for laptops and streaming so I can tune it all out!