Spousal/partner habits that drive you crazy.

Parent Cafe
161

In some ways I have had to work around my H, but it was in order to not bring out the negative in him. For example, he doesn’t usually mind me having nice things, but the idea of purchasing things goes back to his father being that way. Also the idea that things last forever, like appliances. I put up with the toaster that has to be fiddled with to get it to drop the toast (a wedding gift 36 years ago; Sunbeam Radiant Control - where the toast is supposed to drop - we have to fiddle with the bamboo tongues until it finally drops; H, an engineer has taken it apart and cannot figure out why it doesn’t work like it is supposed to). I bought a new toaster that has the long slots so you can do 4 slices of bread or toast specialty breads/flat breads, but had to give it to DD because H didn’t want to part with the toaster.

I waited 10 years for diamond (engagement) ring. When we shopped, he was pained over spending the money. We were in our first house earlier w/o the engagement ring purchase, and were in our 3rd house in 3rd city when I mentioned our 10 year anniversary and the ring.

H wanted a new watch a few years ago, but didn’t like the one we (DDs and I picked out) bought him, so he actually shopped and got something he wanted (and he didn’t discuss how much it cost with me either). I was fine with him getting what he wanted, and rather than talking, talking about wanting a watch (and me not reading his mind on the features important to him). That gets frustrating.

My parents wanted me to have certain things, and I know it made them happy on some of the ways I made a few small purchases. They both had Rolex watches (that my siblings inherited) and I bought a used one (parents both had the all gold top of the line models; mine is nice looking but not all gold band like theirs, and was at a reasonable price). H wasn’t keen about that purchase either, although he has a way over-inflated idea of what I paid.

The class ring, I just had it out of my mind with moving where H wanted to go the year after I finished my graduate degree - and we had to be more careful with money as we were more at the start of our careers in our mid-20’s (my career and his earning potential would have far exceeded if we had gone to another opportunity, which I begged him to take). I folded because it was so important to him and there are some things that one senses you have to let the man make his career decision, even if I had to ‘make due’.

H has spent a lot more on his annual camping/fishing trip (primitive, not my idea of a vacation) than I did on the ring. He would go on a ‘one week’ hunting trip (when our children were young) and it included two weekends plus, so instead of 6 or 7 days it was 12 days! He was a total jerk pulling that off, because once his airline tickets were made it would be expensive to change. After that I insisted he check the dates with me before he confirms the air travel. I was furious and told him that he is using all his vacation time away from his nuclear family, and his idea of a week was a lie! Before kids, I would put up with his twice a year hunting and camping and long periods too; after that I insisted he has to curb the hunting to every other year if he was doing the camping/fishing trip. He didn’t like getting limits, but sometimes he was able to tie in some hunting with a planned trip to see grandparents/family.

There are many things one accepts with getting along in marriage. In the end, it may be tit for tat. Or one has a more burdensome spouse who continues down the road of not considering the other person’s feelings. Sometimes early corrections can help in a relationship, and sometimes you don’t want to put the energy in on what is annoying. There are many times I try to communicate but H is not listening. I may have mentioned ordering the class ring but H wasn’t listening. To me, I try to be accommodating for him to be happy. In some ways, he can be very easy and simple. I think retirement will be fine because less stressful life for H. H is doing better with empty nest because he has more time to himself, doing what he enjoys, and the house is quiet. I am just trying to make sure we have enough to make the transitions with retirement when that time comes.

162

We usually check in with each other once a day when one of us is out of town. It would seem strange to me to go several days without speaking. But of course, whatever works. Not everyone cares about that, and as long as both partners are satisfied, no big deal.

163

Most people would faint if they kept up the level of communication I do with my hubby. I don’t think we’ve ever gone a day without talking. We also work together. I do warn him when I’m visiting with my family I won’t be chatting with him except at night or in the morning.

However we’ll go to a party and not even talk to each other. I’m the one who says don’t put me next to my spouse at a party, I talk to him every day.

164

H was shocked a few years ago when I mentioned that all of my GF’s talked with their spouses during the day–we never had–sometimes not even when I was home sick. It was just part of his general neglect --kinda of like I was a buddy. Without any more discussion he began calling every day at noon. Has always called in the evening if away.
He has more time and is more relaxed now.
Still, as mentioned above, long term marriages mellow but there is residue from the younger years.
Our catogories are when H did not stand up for my needs over his families or even his own.
Also, not listening and following through on my needs or wants…still stuggles with this one but greatly improved.
i.e. how difficult is it to remember “I want to go to the art show and buy some jewlery on my birthday”. In one ear and out the next…

165

I do remember telling my husband about the car I’d just bought – and when he got home he looked at it and asked “what is that?” I’d told him, a few times. He just really wasn’t listening, just agreeing.

166

H always calls me in the evening when he is out if town and vice versa. If there is some need for other contact we either text or email. He also calls me to let me know he is leaving the office and on his way home.

167

Married for seven years before I even became aware that husbands reached out to their wives during the day. I remember where I was standing (in my kitchen with two of my female neighbors) when I expressed confusion after each of them stated that their respective husbands were always interrupting them in the course of the day - calling “just to check in.”

168

I never call my H at work unless it’s an emergency. It drove me crazy when he used to call me on his way home because that’s when I was cooking dinner. I told him not to call anymore after a hundred calls and never ever ask, “What’s for dinner?”
My D gets upset when her H calls on his way home also. We just don’t want to be interrupted.

Both my H and I are very independent. We take a lot of trips together but also travel separately. He likes to climb mountains and has done Kilimanjaro, Everest base camp, Aconcagua and hiking in Africa without me. However, we did do Macchu Picchu together. We’ve gone a week without contact, only when we find wifi to send emails.Next year, we’ll celebrate our 40th anniversary.

I have trouble with women friends who need to be constantly with their husbands. They can’t even go out to lunch if their spouses are home alone. I just don’t get it.

169

Tonight when I got home from the gym, the first thing H said to me was, “Is your email working?” How the hell should I know? I just walked in the door.

I told him I made an appointment for me to get a flu shot with our PCP. He asked if he could just come along to my appointment and get one too.

This man went to an Ivy League school and has a masters degree. Sometimes I feel like he thinks I’m his mother.

170

My husband never calls me during the day unless it’s a matter of absolute necessity. I don’t call him, either. But I’m not complaining. We both want it that way.

Sometimes I will call our home landline to leave a message for him like “I have to work late tonight” but I would never think of interrupting him during the day for something like that. He’ll get the message when he gets home.

171

If I am running an errand and it will be his arrival time home, I leave a note. He very rarely will leave me a note. Sometimes he goes running and my only way to know is that he left the side door unlocked (and we have a key on a very small ring he could take and have our home locked…)

I have had two new clothes dryers in our 36 years of marriage. I wanted the second one last year (better features, less time for me to be fiddling for a long time as old dryer was not heating well, could only handle small loads, and took a long time with towels and bulky items). H wouldn’t agree (I do all the laundry), so I researched and found one at a good price, arranged delivery, and gave the other one to charity (they picked up 2 days before the new one came). New dryer is fabulous! H stopped complaining as soon as old one was gone, because he knew the deed was done.

H would not allow our family to get a SUV in 2001 and we got a large 4 door instead, new, but end of year so got 0% financing. Now H drives the newer SUV and I am stuck driving the car I didn’t really want but had to settle with - and it has been a thorn on repairs, the worst out of all the vehicles we have had over all of the years, so just driving it until the wheels fall off. Oh and the SUV was paid for out of my inheritance money.

Dislike our refrigerator, but putting up with it until it gets to be a priority item. Seals are getting weak. H does see that it needs replacing.

When I buy groceries, H thinks we don’t need for some reason…he somehow thinks I ‘overshop’. Bread, milk, bananas,apples, potatoes, and his trail mix is all I brought home today. He didn’t complain because I was working on a project for him I guess. Plus I had his food ready, and he was bee-lining to his garage workshop/hobby area.

We met up with DD last Sunday and I did bring her groceries she wouldn’t normally shop for herself (spiral ham in plastic container; a large size frozen dinner, and a hamburger cheesy dish that was in a plastic container) - chips, salsa, etc. Popcorn Factory tin full of caramel corn popcorn. That was OK with H.

172

Hmmm @SOSConcern - I would not agree to driving the old car as from what you describe it is unreliable. Isn’t your H worried that you might break down at night when you are by yourself? If he is not, I would gently remind him of that possibility and suggest the purchase of a more reliable vehicle. If he is not in agreement, I would simply insist that he drive the old car or better yet I would simply purchase a new car and let him know I was doing so.

173

H went away this summer for two weeks. It is the longest we have been apart in over 30 years. He was very involved in his Collage Top Administrators Certificate program (or some such name) at Harvard. People came from all over the country, and a few internationals, to attend this Harvard program. Their respective schools paid for this for the most part.

They were all thrilled to be at this and to be at Harvard. They started a Facebook page. Meanwhile, I’m back home alone doing the necessary daily chores. ( I encouraged him to go to this BTW) He calls some, not all, nights and says he is just checking in, can’t talk because he has to go off to a clam bake, cruise, etc.

I am really perturbed that after never being apart for this length of time in 30 years he can barely make time to talk to me. I wish he had just taken a few nights to really talk to me. And yes, I would have liked to hear that he missed and loved me.

174

Sweet.

175

^haha, not sure what that means?

176

@morrismm I totally can empathize; I believe W2exhale was being sarcastic. I do think many men get all caught up in what they are doing etc and are totally clueless about how it would be nice to share some of the funny moments etc as well as ask about spouse at home doing the drudgery and suggest some things to lift up the spouse at home.

H has bragged about eating at exotic locations in and out of the country, yet the day we were in San Francisco (took opportunity to tie on a work trip with vacation day) and I wanted to go eat at a place he had bragged about, he had a migraine and I had to settle with a salad at McDonald’s! I was beyond furious as H just has no clue about some of his inconsideration. Some of it is because his dad was allowed to be very inconsiderate for over 60 years of marriage, and that was established ‘modeling’ - although H didn’t like the way his mom was treated, H also defends dad when I point things out when we are 1-on-1. Sometimes I know H is bothered by his dad’s behavior but doesn’t know how to handle other than say nothing. FIL has clipped his nails at the dinner table after a lovely meal (before dishes cleared off etc) as if he can do what he wants because he is the ‘man of the house’. FIL would bark to MIL about something not being on the table (before MIL had her hip replacement and in a lot of pain moving around, while FIL was totally healthy) because in his mind she is there to serve on him. Now FIL needs physical help with showering etc from MIL after a series of small strokes, and some of his ‘demands’ have softened. Out of all of their children, H is the one that is the most ‘soothing’ to FIL and can bring the best out of FIL and have him in a more jovial mood. I am the DIL that is the most supportive in many ways, based on having helpful and supportive input to their situation and being considerate to what is going on and what is needed. Plus H and I produced two grand-daughters that they adore! They only have one other grand-daughter, who is like a dau to them. Two DILs have good intentions but are more needy and have definite draw backs - one son and DIL are in such poor health that I see them not making it another 10 years unless they make drastic health changes (both at least 150 lb overweight; DIL still a smoker; son has progressed into needing to shoot insulin at every meal - all from being overweight - he progressed from oral medication on).

Thank you @harvestmoon1 for your kind words. The 14 year old car had to have with a series of repairs pretty much have ‘guts’ replaced at 123,000 miles some years ago - engine, exhaust system, transmission (had we known at that time, we wouldn’t have dumped $10K into the car - something broke off into the engine is what mechanic thinks happened) - it was an almost luxury car, so we paid a lot to start with; believe now it is reliable but it has some cosmetic things going out and just decide what to have replaced. I did make the mistake of not insisting on H taking this car for short errands the Saturday recently when we had a tire rim repair on the car before the new tire put on (so it was on the small inflated spare), and I got stuck when the spare tire blew and needed to have the car towed (I was not in a good neighborhood, but it was daytime) - thank goodness H didn’t go running and I was able to contact him and he waited with me until tow truck came. Got a newer spare and back on all good tires, but now we know not to ever count for that spare for many miles, only emergency few miles.

H drives the newer SUV sometimes like it is a sports car, and he is a bit prideful. I am much more careful with the newer vehicle. Some of his behavior is because of the delusion with the way he grew up.

We just have to spread the money we have with what is most pressing. I am visiting relatives in another country next summer with sister and want to build up funds a bit - H doesn’t mind not going because he really doesn’t want to go - he likes our relatives, but the language barrier and he has already been. He has traveled a lot internationally for work. Last time I was there was 18 years ago…so it is time.

“Happy wife, happy life.” Sometimes not absorbed! But I am working on it! My outlook is happy, but I am quite cognizant of what makes H happy. H is often clueless, which it is what it is. You can lead a horse to water…

177

“And yes, I would have liked to hear that he missed and loved me.”

Is that not sweet?

Considering @morrismm has all of us spinning into butter with digging deep and laying on the couch here, and much of it has turned into pithy footnotes about our “other,” I was honing in on the desire for connection and the expression of the same.

Sorry about that.

178

^^^

ahh…I think it was confusing because the poster wants that “sweet” connection but isn’t getting it. It would be sweet if she were getting it.

@Waiting2exhale

179

You are mad at your H because he had a migraine? I can understand if you think he was faking… maybe it comes from several years of being single, but unless he needed me to nurse him, I would have just gone by myself. Not as fun as going with someone, but a good meal is a good meal! That is what the ereader is for.

180

@SOS I admire your approach to resolving issues and agree that if you value the relationship, compromise and tolerance are good things to embrace.

I am sure that my tidiness irritates my H as much as his clutter irritates me. And as to his lack of domestic skills, truth be known neither one of us does much as far a cleaning is concerned - just not something we are good at so we choose to delegate those things. I am a decent cook though and he seems to appreciate my efforts in that regard. It’s all about balance I suppose - so long as the good outweighs the bad most of us survive those little irritants in a marriage.