The situation: My 16-year-old S has been invited to spend spring break at a buddy’s beach house along the coast of Florida. It’s not a Daytona-level party area but it’s within 20 or 30 miles of the big party areas. The parents have invited 5 boys total and I’m the only parent who hasn’t said yes yet.
My qualms:
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The other kids aren’t big trouble-makers but they aren’t angels either…it wouldn’t be far-fetched to imagine things going awry. And a couple of them are 17 and can drive other kids…so now a car is part of the equation.
The parents are looser than me. They’re nice people but they’re just much more lax (like letting the boys when they were 12 see an R-rated movie at a home birthday party). They assure me that there will be strict curfews etc but i don’t know.
Even if they are strict, I just don’t know if I want him to see the scene down there…yes, it’s not the craziness of the 90s but i believe it’ll still be pretty wild.
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To make it more complicated, his sister went with friends to a beach cottage during spring break (with parents) last year while she was still in high school and that’s being brought up now by S. He wants to know why I agreed so readily to that and why I"m against this. The answer is because 1) she was much more conservative 2) her friends were cool nerds who didn’t drink 3) the parents were really hard-asses (my favorite kind of parent But I can’t say any of that.
I was the mean mom who wouldn’t allow any of my children attend senior week at the beach following graduation. I do agree you are in a sticky situation since you let the daughter go. When is their spring break? Does it match up with the colleges(usually half way through the semester)? If it isn’t the same time, then there probably isn’t a whole lot of difference then him hanging out with these friends when he is home.
I think that is a tall order supervising five 16 year old boys especially around water. My rule with my own children was that they were each permitted to invite 1 friend along on vacations where we were expanding beyond family. Even then I never really relaxed at the beach. I felt I really had to keep my eyes on the them when they were in the water. I know my own are strong swimmers but you never really know with other people’s children despite what they might have told you. And it was always an issue as after the age of about 12 they thought they should be going to the beach alone without parents. I spent all my summers at the beach growing up and I have seen too many bad things happen in a blink of an eye, so that never worked for me.
Mine vacationed with other families but only those we knew very well. It’s a hard call and you hate to be the odd man out, but I would go with your gut instinct. You know your child and this family best.
You can say all that. I was also the mean mom to my daughter last summer when I refused to let her go to the beach with her boyfriend and his parents (and other friends). To put it simply, I didn’t trust the parents and each scenario the BF’s mother put forth made me even more uncomfortable. I felt uncomfortable not allowing my child go but friends told me to trust my instincts (which were screaming No). My daughter totally understood and didn’t argue. In the end, she and another friend were glad they didn’t go.
I also don’t know why you wouldn’t share those “reasons” with your S - if they are truth, then they clearly explain your apprehension - give him the opportunity to convince you otherwise on any of those - don’t make it a battle, make it a discussion.
Under what circumstances WOULD you allow him to go? Can you draw up a list of those? Things like:
must call me once/twice a day and relay your comings and goings.
will be also checking in with the parents in charge a few times to check on behavior.
absolutely no getting in the car of any driver who has had a single drink
etc…
I’m just making these up - but draw up a list and see for yourself what it would take for you to let him go. If you can’t come up with a list, then maybe you just really can’t even see a reason TO let him go - because nothing would make it do-able for you.
I’m the mean mom and I would say no in this situation. However, I would tell him the reasons exactly as you described in your OP. 5 16-yr-old boys with 2 lax parents? My son wouldn’t even have asked…though he was more like your daughter.
I hear you all. But I really can’t tell him it’s the parents (S’s friend will ask him why he can’t go…S will say “my mom just doesn’t trust your parents”…friend will tell his parents…and our family friendship is then over)…and if I tell him it’s the friends, then S’s friends will ask why he can’t go and S will say “My mom just doesn’t feel that it’s safe for me to hang out with you” and so forth. And then you’ll advise, “tell the son not to tell them the truth that you told him” but then I’ve got a disgruntled kid on my hands who is even more likely to tell them why.
Ugh.
But I do like these suggestions and i’m going to go with my gut on this…right now, I’m just trying to figure out what he’ll do all week while his friends are at the beach…
Really. Well your rationale for not wanting to tell your son would, If I were the parent, double my commitment to ensure he did not go on that trip since he must be very immature and you can’t trust his judgement.
This is the hardest part of parenting…but stick to what your instincts are telling you. I agree with @abasket. Think it all the way through and decide if there are any scenarios in which you would allow him to go.
I am a pretty strict parent when it comes to many things. My younger son asked to go to senior week, and I let him. I made him pay his own way (but I gave him that amount of money plus for graduation). He had done nothing to make me not trust him, and we had lots of talks before he went. Do you trust your son? If yes, then I’d let him go. If not, or if you don’t trust him with this group of friends, then no is a fine answer. But my guess is he may be cut out of similar invitations based on the responsetothis invitation. Safety is the first concern though. If you don’t think he will be safe, do not let him go.
I think you’re worrying about too many other factors than the real problem at hand - the trip. You’re worried about what “others” will think - the parents or the kids. You’re worried about S and what he’ll do during the week - it’s part of the deal - dealing with it - both him and you!
At 16, unless your son just wants to spite you, he should have enough sense and manners to know what he shouldn’t say anything to offend anyone - he doesn’t have to lie - all he has to say is “for various reasons, my parents are not allowing me to go”. That’s it. If he can’t do that, maybe there is a respect issue that he does need to learn!
He’s probably not going to accept a “no” with a smile. You’ll have to accept that and move on from it. Or, if you say yes with lots of hesitation, you’re going to be a mess until then and during. Is that right???
There will be more trips. Or there needs to be more reason to send him with comfort. Can you get to that point?
Could you plan your own spring break trip so the answer is “no” we are going away as a family? Or plan a long week-end if you can’t do the whole week. Going to be tough to say “no” and then have him hanging around the house all week with nothing planned and his friends all away together. That doesn’t really work either.
If you don’t let him go, you are going to be seen as the mean/strict mom. Own it. There isn’t another way around it. It sounds like you are friends with the parents, and I don’t see anything wrong with telling them you just don’t think your son is mature enough to self police himself and you don’t want the real police to have to do it, nor do you want them to have to babysit as it is their vacation too.
I don’t think watching some R rated movies is horrible thing, but maybe they should have asked. My brothers used to let my kids watch Dumb and Dumber and Top Gun type movies (when they were 4 years old). I actually think the bigger problem is what trouble boys could get into with the mob mentality. Would your son be able to stand up to the others and say ‘Hey, that’s not a good idea’ (to jumping off boats, to drinking on the beach, even to jaywalking)? Some of the beach towns are pretty strict with ticketing any kind of behavior. Although it was in California, my nephew got a minor in possession for having a drink on the beach. It’s a lot of punishment for a minor thing.
16 yr. old immature boys with lax parents, no way. You are the parent and must trust your gut instinct. You know your son and his friends and these parents. I live in Florida and see what happens with a group of young teens and the pack mentality. Throw in alcohol, sun and girls and parents who are lax and it equals the potential for trouble. These kids should not be driving around either. I would simply say that, “I am your mom and love you and do not think that this is as great an idea as you think it is”. If he pushes as to “why”, “don’t you trust me”, “don’t you trust the parents”, etc. I would just repeat that it is your judgement and if he accepts the decision and shows good judgement that you may reconsider in a few years.
D1 was invited to go to Tulleride with 5 other kids (coeds) to a friend’s vacation home. The parents were there to supervise, and they had planned activities for the kids to do during the day - hiking, mountain biking, spa, etc. But at night, I think the parents did allow the kids to drink in the house. I was fine with it because I knew they would be safe. Those parents knew they couldn’t afford the liability if anything should happen to those kids. I don’t think I would have let D1 go if the parents weren’t going to be there.
D2 lived and went to a school where drinking age was 18. For their high school trip (not sponsored by they school), they went to a nice beach resort. There were no parental supervision. I didn’t want to spoil it for D2, so I let her go, but we stayed at a nearby resort in case if there were any issues. We thought we were the only helicopter parents, but turned out other parents did the same. There were so many blades twirling, wondered if those kids heard them. We did tell D2 that she was not allowed to leave the resort. I was able to track her on my iphone while she was on the trip.
I wonder if you could come up with some sort of ground rule with your son, so he could go - must call you X number times a day, not to go to bars (let you track him on your smart phone), be back at the house by certain time. The parents will be there, no matter how relaxed they are, they are not going to try to keep those boys safe under their watch. I give them a lot of credit for hosting that many teens.
And not be be unnecessarily paranoid, but some adults can make incredibly poor decisions even when charged with the responsibility of supervising children. That story of the 2 teenagers killed in the French Alps on Wednesday is heartbreaking. Despite the fact that the run was closed - had signage warning of avalanches and netting blocking the entrance - this school teacher led 10 students down the run right into an avalanche. A 14 year old and a 16 year old were killed. What an incredibly stupid and irresponsible thing to do.
I was always seen as the mean and strict mom. My kids are now 27 and 31 and they thank me now for being so. There were times when I said NO to things…like the after prom party in a family woods where everyone in the senior class was invited. Um no.
Or the time I politely called a parent where supposedly a party was happening. All I wanted to know was if the parent knew about the party (yes) and if they would be home (answer,"we don’t know). I said no to that too. Kid carried on for days,
This is your kiddo.
Just remember that in two years when he is in college…you might not have any idea where he even goes.
Any chance you can call the other parent with some of your concerns (not about her parenting…but about driving and the like)?
But I can’t say any of that.