I think it boils down to has he done anything to make you not trust him? Not sure letting kids watch an R rated movie is a harbinger of poor decision making on the part of the other parents.
Also I have trouble with you having let your daughter go in a similar situation and you seem to be holding your son to a different standard. You’d be surprised what those smart nerdy kids get up to…they are just better at covering their tracks!
At any rate you are the parent you of course have the right to say no without explanation.
I’m not always the mean parent, but I would be in this case. Bad things DO happen on spring break. Of course your son is going to be upset at you. That shouldn’t be a factor in your decision. Sometimes I HATED my parents for being so strict, but I know they kept me out of trouble.
I’d have a talk with the hosting parents to let them know my feelings (not concerns). If it was received well and I felt the right ‘vibe’ I’d say yes after laying some groundwork w son. Otherwise, no.
I was also the mean mom – neither of the sons even asked about “senior week” as they knew we’d just roll our eyes and say “oh yes, your life will be over if you don’t skip school for a few days with the rest of the not-really-your-friends and misbehave”. OTOH, we were also ground zero for all sorts of festive get togethers where we hid upstairs and they had the run of the house. So they weren’t deprived.
The question is, how would he handle the problem parts? Ask him that! Let him talk you into it. Make him think about the reasons you are wary. If everyone is going for a drive to Daytona, parents staying put, how likely is your son to go with despite any promises (oh yeah, those promises are worth the time it takes for you to say yes you can go)…and then how well equipped is a 16 year old to take the keys from the drunk 17 year old and call the parents for a ride? How well does your son follow the rules he doesn’t like at home? Remember, the aggregate IQ of boys is inversely proportionate to the number of them in a room…
I do think letting other people’s kids watch R rated movies at 12 without even asking is maybe a worry. Not a huge, call-the-parents deal, but it makes one pause. If you could call or talk to the parents, or the other parents, about your general concerns, that would help to clarify matters. The peer pressure on this one is huge, isn’t it? Makes it hard to think clearly But if 4 other sets of parents who are generally on the same page as you said yes, maybe you will want to take a leap of faith and say so too. Both you and your son might learn things that way.
Sadly, @SouthernHope - this happened to me. D’s BF didn’t tell his mother but she called me, went on a tirade when I expressed reservations concerning the setup and accused me of not trusting her. I couldn’t disagree. But when we were friendly, in the back of my mind, I knew I didn’t trust she would ever have my child’s best interest at heart. The funny thing is, the BF knew exactly what I was saying and never tried cajoling me. He was sad, but he appreciated my concerns.
fwiw, D and now ex-BF are still very good friends. Everyone in our family is still friendly with him as well.
I hate these situations and I feel your pain. I am a strict Mom. It doesn’t matter in the least if you trust your child or not… Many nice kids are going to sneak and lie…and it has nothing to do with you trusting them or not. That is naive. Peer pressure is tremendous, I was one way with my parents and another with my friends…kids will have a life you are not apart of and know nothing about. And many a nice 16 year old makes bad judgement calls.
The 2 things that would worry me is the loose parents and the 17 who can drive. Do you allow your 16 year old to drive around already with this 17 year old? Do you know if these parents turn their heads to shenanigans including alcohol.
I think you have 2 choices. Tell your kid you are just not comfortable enough on a trip like this without you there. I wouldn’t say I didn’t trust the kids or parents. If he pushes you, just say you just aren’t and maybe next year. You are sorry, but it’s your prerogative as his parents. Be prepared for a lot if backlash, but hang tough.
Or…you could call the Mom. Tell her you’ve always been a little on the paranoid side…put the blame on you not her to preserve your friendship. Tell her straight out that you are uncomfortable them driving around with the 17 year old, and if that’s going to happen you need to think about it. This doesn’t put her on the spot…but gives her time to decide rethink it if she was and change her mind so you will let your son go. I would also ask about any other things you are uncomfortable with. This won’t be a comfortable conversation at all…it’s just a bad situation for you all around.
It might not be bad for her to realize not evetyone is game with her plan. If you do get some concessions from her, it might make you feel comfy enough to say yes. Be prepared to worry the whole time. I wouldn’t make son contact you…I’d text him when I felt like it for reassurance.
I guess I’m the lone one out here–I’d let him go unless you really feel you can’t trust him for some reason. If that is the case, then okay–and tell him so (he already thinks that anyway by this time). Don’t go blaming his future actions on lack of supervision by somebody else’s parents. He’s old enough to know better. If you have concerns–discuss it.
If the group of friends is tight–don’t pull it apart. Being the “mean, overprotective parent” is not always the best course.
You’re making up scenarios of dreadful things that may happen and probably won’t (already sure an avalanche is not in the picture). . If none of the boys are troublemakers (NOBODY is an angel), then let him go–he’s 16. Not 12.
It’s easy enough to ask what the plans actually are for the week. Hang out at the beach, watch some movies, play video games for hours on end? Eat junk food and sleep all day?
The one scenario I would worry most about is teenage driving–ask the parents if they will even allow it. And if I understand correctly only one kid can even drive–if his parents are smart he isn’t allowed to have passengers.
I never allowed driving of teens by other teens under my watch. Especially in a group. They could drive to my house but my kid wasn’t getting in a car with any of them. Period. If they were going somewhere as a group, either I or my husband did the driving (which of course gave veto power on any outing).
I would voice my concerns and TURN IT OVER to my son for some of the answers (you can double check later)–
“Mom says I can’t go because…she’s afraid of someone’s driving…parties down the beach etc.”
Then his FRIENDS can say–"we aren’t driving, we’re only going to be here, etc ". Or–“see you later dude, bummer”
And showing a R rated movie at 12 isn’t that lax–sounds like normal TV these days–probably better. Hopefully, there are more fun things to do at the beach than watch movies anyway.
I also think it is good to strike a balance. Your son is 16. He is probably going to college in 1-2 years. If you were to say he is renting a beach house with a group of friends, it would be more of a concern. But if they are going to be chaperoned by parents, it is a lot less of risk. For WIW, I am usually a lot more careful with other people’s kids than with my own, and I think most other parents are too. No one has that deep of a pocket.
^^Yeah but you seem to think adults allowing teenagers drinking is acceptable. Maybe it’s legal in other countries but here a minor in possession of alcohol will lose his license to drive until age 18 even if there is no vehicle involved in the violation. And he’d have to reveal it on college and job applications.
It sounds as though your daughter was a senior when you allowed her to take the trip. Your son is sixteen. If he’s a junior I’d probably tell him to wait a year. If he’s a sixteen year old senior this is an example why skipping ahead can get complicated socially.
I think the idea of the driving and that you know some of the kids are partiers is the deal breaker. If you can’t trust the parents to be adults don’t let him go. It’s amazing that these days kids are entitled to a spring break experience. I don’t remember doing anything special until college. And lots of other students worked spring break.
We own a beach house and my kids take friends down but I’m there too and they don’t drink or use drugs. We’ve never taken anyone whose parents I don’t know. My oldest is eighteen and he might get to take a couple of friends one weekend this spring but they have to be eighteen.
In the US it is also legal to have kids drink alcohol when there are adults around, depending on the states. I wouldn’t serve alcohol to kids under 18 without parents’ knowledge, but after 18 (as an adult), it it up to them to keep their parents informed. When my kids went to parties in the states and alcohol was served, I was always informed by my kid and friend’s parents.
We can all start on an alcohol discussion here, but I don’t think it is the main topic here.
In Maine, I would be arrested if I served alcohol to any minor (under age 21) other than my child. I checked, because my daughter’s friend from Germany turned 18 while she was staying with us this summer. Even though she would be allowed to drink at her home, I would be in big trouble if caught serving her.
Just a side note: there have been two really protective parents I’ve known in my kid’s lives. One was a friend of my D who wasn’t allowed to stay overnight anywhere–but finally her parents relented to overnight at our house–it was a cultural thing. We celebrated the liberation–after all, next year was college!
The other is the son of a VERY conservative mom. I really like her and she is a great person. And she has a great kid too. Always welcome at my house. But she didn’t let him DO anything, spend the night anywhere, come to parties (heck, nothing is happening at MY house!) with his friends during HS. I understand all of that as a parent (it’s what we’re discussing)–it’s totally up to her and her husband.
But here’s the kicker–his best friends in HS (including DS) don’t get it. Nor will ever understand it. And it’s years later as college grads. And the lack of being part of that close knit group during those years is a detriment. He was cut off from a group of really great kids because of his mom’s fears. He’s still their friend but does not have the shared experiences which would have bonded them.
I was the strict mom. Everyone knew it. I didn’t care one whit. I think that my holding the line helped others feel like they then could be the mean ones, too. I bet if you say no another set of parents will change their mind, too, because you’ve given them permission to give in to their gut instincts, too.
I will say that having let your dd go makes me cringe and worry your ds will bring it up, but, hey, my two kids were treated fairly, not necessarily the same. We talked about it all the time that they each get what they need but that that might not be the same.
My D just finished her first semester at college. The one thing she specifically thanked H and I for over the holiday break was for teaching her how to drink responsibly before she went away to college. Her observation was that the kids who ended up being “transported” or those who just got ungodly drunk at parties, were those who had no experience with alcohol before setting foot on a college campus. They simply were not educated and drank with abandon.
My children were always able to enjoy a glass of wine or a beer with us after they turned 16 if they were staying at home that evening. Gradually D learned what she could tolerate and that drinking on an empty stomach can really do you in. I think it made all the difference for her as a freshman in college.
If I were the hosting parent, I wouldn’t host any child in my home whom the parents have different views on curfew, supervising, or alcohol either. My kid had friends whose parents thought it was acceptable for their housekeeper/babysitter to supervise a party, but it was not acceptable to me, so my kid just didn’t go to those parties. It is best to have a discussion to have the host to see if you are comfortable with their parenting style. I did allow D1 to go to parties where alcohol was served (in the US) as long as parents were present and D1 wouldn’t be driving by the time she was a senior in high school.
It really depends on the parents. In my case, the parents were the drinkers so never mind parents policing the kids’ drinking. I was more concerned that the kids would spend their time being designated drivers (This had happened. In fact, in one instance the two families met up for dinner and both parents were already sloshed. It was an interesting experience for my 12-year-old. The BF had to drive them home.), or just having to deal with unexpected situations arising due to poor parental judgement.
Well, as a kid of parents who “didn’t care one whit” and towed the line…good luck. I turned out okay.
But. I WAS the “goody two shoes”. And it sucks. I had friends–total of three. I was blocked out of social gatherings–not because of me but because I couldn’t go anywhere and everyone knew it. When I think about it–I NEVER got the chance to be the person who said NO (and I would have for many events).
It would have been a gift to me for ME to say no to the parties or events–not my parents.
I loved my parents (still do–my mom is gone) but they are not the only force in a kid’s life. Friends are the family you choose. and if they are good influences let it happen. They are important relationships that happen over years.
My son had a good group,of friends. I was very close to all but one of the parents. The boys did a lot of sleep overs. I took one with us to Disneyworld. I continue to have the greatest trust in the parents and the young men.
When son was invited to a new student’s house, one of the regular group’s parents told me they were picking up their son at midnight, and did I want them to get my son too. My son readily agreed.
Another couple hosted a yearly New Year’s Eve party. I suspect it wasn’t so innocent, with the 2 girls hosting a lot of kids. But everyone slept over, the parents were there.
In short, my kid wouldn’t have been allowed to go away for days with a group of kids and parents that I didn’t know well.
But if 4 other sets of parents who are generally on the same page as you said yes, maybe you will want to take a leap of faith and say so too. Both you and your son might learn things that way.