Spring break & high school students -- can you offer advice?

Parent Cafe
41

@gouf78 has a very valid point. You do take the risk of your son not bring invited to more things and being left out. I reread your original post. The parents did say they would have strict curfews. I would talk to the Mom about your concerns of them driving…I think that is acceptable. I think they need to know you are very concerned about that.

If I had a heart to heart with the Mom and could come to an agreement concerning that, then I would let mine go. Are you comfortable they won’t be serving alcohol?

42

I understand what you’re saying, @gouf78. My kids had plenty of friends, especially ds2. He still gets together with the group on school breaks, but in HS they knew that he wasn’t going to do the things they did and were OK with that. At graduation, a number of them told him how much they admired him for sticking to his values and not being like everyone else. The other night, he met this group for dinner and then they were pre-gaming, then using fake IDs to get into clubs. He’s still not 21 so passed (and he was leaving early the next day to go back to school). He does plenty of underage drinking at college, where, again, he’s one of the very few in his friend group without a fake ID or parents who load their kids’ dorms up with alcohol (his roommate’s parents did that this year. Argh. I’m sure he appreciates their generosity very much). His thinking is he’ll let others use their fake IDs to buy alcohol and assume the risk! He does chip in, of course.

For the most part, I adore these kids. One was arrested downtown at 19 for public intoxication (he’s the one I never cared for), but most are really great kids for whom I’d do anything. Thanksgiving of freshman year in college many of them came to a tailgate I was having even though ds didn’t come home for the holiday. None of them tried to drink the alcohol offered up to the adults. I’m glad they respected me enough to not even try and that they felt welcome in my home, even without ds a draw. Seriously, it was one of the best days having all these kids around and took the sting out of missing ds.

I guess I’m just really old school and don’t mind saying so. My kid said no plenty. My policy was senior year I didn’t call ahead/follow up or anything. If they hadn’t learned by then, not much I can do in that last year before they went off to college.

My reaction to OP is because her gut tells her not to fully trust those parents. I think she should listen to that instinct. Additionally, here HS spring break just isn’t a thing. He’s got his college years to do the whole crazy spring break scene. I really know no one who sends their HS kids on spring break parties so it might be a regional thing.

43

I must be really naive because I wouldn’t even consider that a parent would serve alcohol to a group of 16-year-olds on vacation.

44

Your son knows you and may actually be depending on you to say no.

I was a strict parent when my daughter was in high school but my daughter was very, very trustworthy. She asked me to go on a similar trip at that age and my initial instinct was to say no, but after thinking it over, I said yes because she was so trustworthy. My daughter immediately said, “Mom, you’re supposed to say no!” She felt she was going to be in over her head but wanted to be able to truthfully tell her friend that she had done everything possible to convince me. I kind of wrecked that by saying yes, but quickly corrected course with a resounding NO.

Could your son be expecting something similar from you? Kids really count on our acting consistently and in character. If it is in character for you to say no in situations like the one presented here, it will come as no big surprise when you act consistently in this instance.

Oh, and I read some advice once that was really helpful. Just coach your son to say, “My mom’s really weird” when questioned as to why he can’t go (or about any other decision). Worked every time for my daughter!

45

From old fort
In the US it is also legal to have kids drink alcohol when there are adults around, depending on the states. I wouldn’t serve alcohol to kids under 18 without parents’ knowledge, but after 18 (as an adult), it it up to them to keep their parents informed. When my kids went to parties in the states and alcohol was served, I was always informed by my kid and friend’s parents

She assumes that her state is US law, but reflects little knowledge of state liquor laws. Wanting so much to insert imoge faces here! Serve alcohol in WA to minors :frowning:

46

There are states where people are allowed to drink under 21:
http://drinkingage.procon.org/view.resource.php?resourceID=002591
http://blogs.findlaw.com/law_and_life/2013/10/legal-for-kids-to-drink-alcohol-with-parents.html
http://www.alcoholproblemsandsolutions.org/state-washington-alcohol-laws-whats-legal/
@dragonmom - are you aware that it is legal to serve alcohol in WA to people under age 21 on private premise with parental supervision?

I am not off the boat that I am not aware liquor law is different from state to state, even from city to city.

47

I had very, very permissive parents but even they wouldn’t have served alcohol to a group of 16 year olds. Let me have it? Yeah, sure, of course. Alcohol was never off limits to me (and I can still count the number of times I’ve been drunk on two hands) but to others? Not generally unless we had the parents’ OK (which did happen a bit towards the end of high school- we’d have a limited amount of beer and wine coolers at sleep overs). Yes, it was probably illegal but I doubt that ever really occurred to my European mom who spent much of her childhood living over a British pub.

With that said, I did go on vacations with friends and my boyfriend by the time I was 16. I never gave my parents a reason not to trust me so it was always yes until that happened (which it never did… how could it? I had no rules lol.) Even my friends with strict parents generally let them go on vacations. I think it is very possible that the fears around him not being invited to things in the future could be valid. We knew the people whose parents would never let them go and they were rarely ever invited.

shrug

48

So romani - your parents did serve alcohol to under aged with their parents’ OK.

49

I understand the worry about the 17 year old driving. But I would be a lot more concerned about the fact that there is a chance of drinking and drowning. If you have ever been in Florida over a spring break there are usually tons of drunk kids by the water. I would have to say no unless my son promised to NOT go into the water. I don’t care how good a swimmer you are, rip tides are a real thing. I doubt the parents are going to be watching those kids like a hawk at the beach.

50

Michigan-- you need to look up some stats if drinking and drowning is a concern to you. The stats show 1 incidence in past 5 years. And zero last year. Considering the population on the beach that is excellent safety odds. If drowning is a concern, don’t go to the Great Lakes region.

Rip tides can be a concern but warnings of such are usually posted if warranted. Certain beaches can be more subject to rip tides and I’m sure the parents of the beach house are well aware if that is a particular problem in their area.

If you want to warn about anything–it’s lightning strikes. Get off the beach if a storm starts brewing. Period. Easy enough.

There is a LOT of beach in Florida–it is a peninsula after all–not every beach is a “spring break” destination. The big “spring break” craziness is limited to certain towns. The rest just get to enjoy nature at its finest.

51

I’m trying to figure out the deal about the concern over a 17-year-old driving since kids start driving at 16. And I started driving at 15, and that’s how it ought to be.

Cut the cord, for pete’s sake. I think the concern is that the child might sneak a beer. Well, I know in my town there is a ton of beer drinking going on. I’d much rather my son sneak a beer or two with some friends in a beach house than ride around drinking beer like we did when I was in high school.

The last time I went to a beach house with a friend and children there was nothing but wholesome fun. I don’t think any of the kids drank one drop. We went about a half-mile down the road to visit another friend and I must say we drank plenty of drops, but I don’t think the kids did. And on the off chance that they did, it was little enough that we didn’t notice.

52

OP, the fact that you posted about this tells us that your misgivings are well founded because:
You are the only one here who really knows your 16 year old son,
You are the only one who knows the families involved and how they operate,
and finally, you and your family are the ones who will have to deal with the life-changing consequences if anything goes wrong during this excursion.

Your son will have many, many opportunities to party with friends on beaches, in hotels, fraternity houses, apartments and private homes in the future. His life will not be ruined if he doesn’t go on this particular trip. There’s nothing wrong with saying “no” and there’s no risk with waiting until he’s older.

I’ve never understood parents who will go against their own instincts because they are worried about their kid’s social popularity. I also don’t get the mindset of parents who themselves drank and engaged in other high-risk behaviors when they were underage and now will encourage other parents to tolerate their children taking similar risks because, “hey, I did it and I got away with it and ** I** turned out to be just great”.

Please trust your own instincts and don’t let yourself be swayed by the “cool parents” and kids.

53

Driving age is 16 in Florida, and there are no restrictions from Day 1 of getting that license. It’s legal to drive with a dozen other kids in the car, at night, and I don’t think there are any cell phone restrictions; I’m not sure on that because my kids had a million restrictions imposed by ME (they knew/know if they ever text and drive both the phone and the license are gone).

54

I think if I were to listen to my inner instinct (fear), I would have my girls locked up in their rooms until 30, never allowed them to drive (a killer machine), travel abroad by themselves, or going off to college. I’ve had to go against my own fear sometimes so my kids could experience and make some mistakes on their own.

I googled for some stats on young people drowning over spring break, but couldn’t find anything significant. BTW - I don’t think those young adults’ priority is swimming when they are on spring break.

55

My neighbor let her son go on spring break with his friend’s family. Not only did the parents encourage the high school kids to drink, but the parents themselves were falling-down drunk pretty much the whole trip. Duh … I could have called that one. Much of what happens is a function of who is on the trip. If it’s a bunch of people who want to party, that is what will happen. If it’s a bunch of people who just want to go on a fun trip together … but they aren’t wild ones … it won’t be a wild time. D went to FL with a friend for spring break her senior year, and they stayed with the friend’s brother at UMiami. I trusted them, and I know they were fine.

Many years ago, my goodie-two-shoes cousin got pregnant on her spring break trip senior year. I can assure you my aunt & uncle did not discuss drinking and sex with their kids the way I did with mine. I like to think that being open and honest about those things from an early age helped them to have their heads on straight as teens and young adults.

56

One could also have all the protections in the world and still get pregnant. It happens. It doesn’t make me a better parent because my kids haven’t gotten pregnant yet.

57

@oldfort:
In some states it is legal for people under 21 to drink, they cannot order alcohol, but as long as a parent or guardian orders the alcohol for them, it is legal. The kicker, though, is that we are talking a parent or legal guardian. If someone is out with their kids and a friend of the kid, it is not legal for the friend to drink if they are under 21, you can only do so for your own kid or legal guardian. An under 21 staying with you is not considered a legal guardian in the states, so others are right, it is illegal as far as I know to serve alcohol to people under 21 who are not your kid or your legal ward.

Some 6 states have a loophole that might allow someone under 21 to drink, weirdly enough one of them is NJ, where an under 21 can drink in a private place without parental consent, which would imply that in those states an under 21 could drink in the scenario you mention (louisiana, Nebraska, Nevada, New Jersey, Oklahoma, South Carolina). 10 allow someone under 21 to drink in a bar or restaurant, as long as a parent orders it. Even then, only 29 of the 50 states allow kids under 21 to drink with parental permission, so it is by no means unanimous.

58

@oldfort: I wasn’t saying I was a better parent than my aunt & uncle. I said that I hoped being open & honest helped them keep their heads on straight. I believe that arming kids to know about sex and how to handle situations that might arise is wise, and I would be more comfortable allowing an adequately prepared kid to go off to spring break than I would one who has been sheltered … unless I felt sure the kid wouldn’t face any temptations. And yes, stuff can happen to ANY kid.

59

@SouthernHope :

The question I have is about your son, are you based on experience afraid that he will easily succumb to peer pressure and will go along with the crowd and do something stupid? Are the other boys that bad, when you say they aren’t angels, that is different then if they are a bad seed, so do you think they are likely to go wild and do something really bad? In the end, to me, it comes down to how much you trust him and his sense of self respect and such. One of the downsides of making a decision like this is you are basically telling him you don’t trust him and that can strain things, so I would be careful that you really, really feel like the situation at the beach house is a disaster waiting to happen before saying no. Are the boys that bad, and do you really think your son will simply go along with them if something does happen?

In the end, you know the situation better than anyone of us on here, and the answer is never cut and dried, if you really feel like the parents can’t supervise the boys right and/or your son will be led into doing something really stupid, then as a parent say no. I wouldn’t tell your son that you don’t trust the parents, and you don’t have to explain every little nuance of it, just tell him you don’t feel comfortable with a 16 year old going to the beach during spring break like that. If he asks about the S, she was older, and tell him a year makes a big difference, plus the circumstances were different. I would tell you that given the circumstances, it is likely your boy will be okay and will enjoy himself without getting into terrible trouble. One thing to keep in mind is that the parents likely will be more strict in a scenario like this, if for anything these days most parents who have half a brain realize that they could be liable for all kinds of heat if the kids in their care get into trouble, if the kids are found to be drinking at the house by the cops they could go to jail, and if something bad happened they could face other irate parents up to and including a lawsuit, so I would argue that they are likely to be a lot more vigilant then they might be at home.

If in the end you feel like he shouldn’t go, then you can tell him you don’t feel comfortable with it, that you think the combination of teenage boys and spring break is just too much risk for you, and leave it at that (don’t mention the parents being lax). You are the parent, and making unpopular decisions is part of that. Put it this way, as much as we trust our son, and we trust him a great deal (he went to a summer music program with kids much older when he was 11, which didn’t necessarily go as smoothly as we would wish, but didn’t damage him for life), there have been times when we have said no to things he really wanted to do, because we felt it wouldn’t be good for him, and while he could be upset about it, he also respected that. If you generally have shown him respect before this and haven’t been overbearing, he might be upset, but will understand it I think.

60

Are the parent’s partiers? Does the Mom post multiple pictures on Facebook of events where everyone has a drink in their hand? If so, you have a pretty good indication of what will happen on the trip.