I think I may have found a good therapist to deal with a combo of exhaustion from my Aspie 9yo and trauma from being the child of a alcoholic mother (who died from her addiction). I’ve signed up for this webinar:
Healing Trauma Through Parental Self-Care
Caring for children who have experienced trauma can take a toll on parents and caregivers, and affect our mental or physical health, as well as our ability to parent effectively. This webinar helps normalize such reactions, known as “compassion fatigue”—the consistent outpouring of care without adequate replenishment of personal attention—by discussing factors that put us at risk and ways to support resiliency and improve self-awareness.
Many Dino, NYU Child Study Center
It’s in a couple of weeks. If she is not taking patients, she may be able to refer me.
Link is here if anyone is interested (it’s a webinar so no need to be in NYC).
I’m also REALLY determined to get back into shape after so many years neglecting my physical health (along with my mental health). This week I’m focusing on one goal: bed by 10pm every night, up at 6am every morning and GET OUT OF THE HOUSE starting with just walking to work every day (it’s three miles, which I can do no problem).
S1 is doing SO WELL and S2 is in a groove. NOW is the time.
H said he’s covering getting S1 and S2 off to school every morning (that he’s not traveling) so there is nothing holding me back from getting some desperately needed exercise most mornings (except my own will power).
I’m 43, 5’2" and 164 as of right now. Was in the 120s for most of my pre-kids days. Walking to work is traversing Central Park. Guys I can do this! The new sneakers are on my feet! I think this will help A LOT of things.
Walking for starters, then I’ll try mixing in some jogging/walking intervals.
If anyone has a good eating plan I’m all ears. I’m going to try to avoid refined foods/carby stuff. I’ve already cut out alcohol (after what it’s put me and my sibs through, alcohol can kiss my tush).
But the initial focus is on an exercise habit, and getting a therapist.
Long story short, I have a STEM PhD and went into scientific publishing so that between H (a now-tenured professor at one of the big research unis here in NYC) and I, one of us could be an available parent. We did NOT anticipate just how much parenting one of our baby chicks would need. But at least we had pre-designated a lead parent. (So we never had to fight over who got to go to conferences and who had to deal with the kids. I did almost everything in the kid sphere). When things got VERY tough with S1 I left my academic publishing career and took “a job” at our Natural History Museum (in communications) to even further downshift.
Anyway, through my network, I was offered a job last fall working at a top-tier scientific research lab in a management role (finances, grant and manuscript editing, some staff management). I was a HUGE salary bump (which we need to pay for special needs summer camp) so I jumped. It’s not my field and I’ve been really struggling with getting up to speed with the science (cancer) but I’m valued by my boss for my other skills.
I will always wonder ‘what if’ and harbor some jealousy that I work with ‘real scientists’ as more of an administrator.
But then I want to smack myself that I have a well-paying f-l-e-x-i-b-l-e job and I’m surrounded by brilliant colleagues, I get to go to scientific meetings and I’m part of the army of people who want to eliminate cancer. It’s not a bad deal AT ALL.
Sorry for all these posts… just feeling very renewed in spirit.
If weight loss is a priority for you, you might take a look at the Weight Watchers program (and the active thread about it on this forum). The self-care way of looking at things that you talk about is very consistent with WW’s philosophy, and it’s entirely possible to do WW and avoid refined foods/carbs if you want to (although it’s also possible to do it in other ways).
OP-some would say you have it all. You have a PhD, H and kids (plural) plus a job utilizing your skills. The imperfect part is the special needs. No person’s life is perfect. I look back at choices I made and those Mother Nature dictated and see where you can wish for more. Life just isn’t fair.
Enjoy being able to work with well educated peers. Enjoy having had the hands on mothering experience. Enjoy having a supportive husband. Forget past possibilities- any other paths taken would have had bumps as well. I tell you this in part to remind myself to do the same. It was, and still is, hard for us STEM women. I hit Medicare soon, different stage in life than you are. Enjoy this stage of your life.
I was part of the increasing numbers of women in sciences and medicine. Most of you have many more peers than we did. Wish there were more my age to encounter. H sees so many more retirees with our credentials, I get to hang out with so many women on the other side of that watershed, sigh. And today’s young women don’t seem to realize what we went through for them to be where they are today. I get tired of those traditional things women with time and money do. Not sufficient numbers of women close by to relate to. Plus- when working we were all too busy spending our off time with family so connections not made. There’s my rant- 60’s background and age.
You’ve got this. You recognize what’s going on, and will recognize more after some time with the therapist. You’re intelligent, talented and focused. You’ve got this.
Common sense healthy diet - whole grains, fruits and veggies, beans, lean meat. Avoid fast food, even salads, it has tons of hidden calories. Bring your own lunch, it takes 10 minutes to put together a nice salad, or leftovers from dinner. Don’t eat anything for at least 2-3 hours before bed. Don’t eat when you’re not hungry (I snack often from pure boredom, have to kick the habit).
My work and family situation resembles yours in several different ways. Good luck with everything!
“I will always wonder ‘what if’ and harbor some jealousy that I work with ‘real scientists’ as more of an administrator.”
At some point, you will stop wondering. Scientists NEED administrators, because scientists are absent-minded professors and are not good at those tasks you have been taking care of for them. Don’t dismiss your work as unimportant or second tier. Speaking from experience.
If you are walking in the morning, have a banana for the potassium…and above all, drink LOTS of water. Buy yourself a fun bpa free colorful water bottle and take it with you on your walk. And fill it during the day…
OP, thanks for the link. I’m 15+ years ahead of you. Aspie Son took 8+ years to finish college but he did it and is now an employed school teacher. I’m a generation removed from the alcoholism (both grandfathers). Gaining weight because…well, 60 years old. Have a job for which I should be grateful. Starting therapy next week.
@missypie That is GREAT on all counts. @wis75 I appreciate trailblazing women – across all spheres, walks, flavors and especially in STEM.
Guys I walked 3 miles yesterday + 3 miles today.
The beauty of Central Park in early spring is its own reward!
The boys HATE botanical gardens “so boring” which is exactly where I’m dragging them to tomorrow. I just have to decide which one. Probably Brooklyn Botanical Garden which is so easy to get to vis subway (we are carless).
I’ll throw in a movie night as compensation for their pains.
I mentioned in another thread that I’ve found tracking food & calories in MyFitnessPal to be very helpful.
I am largely ignorant of portion size and the calorie count on various foods. Using the app is a good teaching tool.
The database is shockingly thorough. Archer Farms Cashew Cranberry Almond Trail Mix? In there. Wholly Guacamole Minis? In there. Trader Joe’s Dark Peanut Butter Cups? In there, and so not worth the calories.
In today’s food environment – easily accessible yummy calorie dense foods – it is very easy to rack up the calories & blow past a daily goal.
My sins are: popcorn from the local health food store, conveniently free of calorie info; mint chocolate chip frozen yogurt; sesame bagels with cream cheese and lox but the worst… KID LEFTOVERS.
@Aspieration : I’m so jealous you live in Manhattan. I did for 17 years, once I got out of college, and now I only get to the city once every other month or so. It would be so convenient to live in the city!!!
Oh, these kid leftovers! I found only one way to deal with them. Put them in the back of the fridge to eat tomorrow. Forget all about it. Find them when they turn green and throw away.
Re kids leftovers - this may sound silly, but I decided I’d rather be thin and poor than fat and poor.
That philosophy helped me not stuff unwanted calories into my body and stay in relatively good shape for a long time.
Now I’m in my mid-50’s, and wish it were as easy as that…
Healthy ways (physical edition) seem to be coming naturally so far. It helps A LOT that H is a heath nut and we lots of greens, leans, beans in the house. My legs are sore, but in a good almost pleasant way.
What has been unexpected (here am at 1:30 am) are intensified self-scrutiny, self-judgement and worry (about the boys, their future) as I lay in bed WIDE AWAKE and with racing thoughts.
What is S2 studying in Spanish? Where will S1s bus pick up/drop off for summer camp? Is it OK that I let S2 read so many graphic novels - should I restrict? What if it turns him off reading? Should I make S1 practice drumming or be OK that he goes to band practice willingly (S1 was so prickly about piano lessons his devoutly Christian pino teacher of THREE YEARS finally FIRED him as her student and since S1 was ‘excused’ S2 joined in being excused… and what do I do now about that which was last summer?!?).
I also have dark sad corners of self-judgement and worse. I feel like S1 put me in the position of constantly making nice-nice (often groveling) with everyone in his sphere, in a ‘thanks for putting up with him’ way, and somehow this has seeped into my personality. I’ve lost my assertiveness, H is SUPER ASSERTIVE (and successful) and so I am self-critical of being spineless and… I can say this here… I think I let my kids walk all over me to (get me water, that’s my spot on the couch, put on my socks).
I have a prescription sleep aid, but I’m afraid to take it. So now that I’ve put this out there, I’ll try to go back to sleep.
This feels like normal worries dialed up too loud.
In the short term, I recommend meditation. I have the headspace app and I meditate right before bed. It’s really helped me calm my mind. There are other meditation apps, I tried a few but liked the voice in the headspace app.
