<p>What’s the Chinese character for peace mean?</p>
<p>I’m a little surprised by the viciousness directed at bethievt here. Not very nice.</p>
<p>I would rather have taken a beating than live next door to my dear, department MIL, but in this area that’s how a lot of families are. If it’s not for you, then it’s not for you. Live and let live.</p>
<p>I moved back home after college (age 22), lived there for a year, shared an apartment with friends for a year, then moved back to my parents’ place until I was 26. I did have a full-time job, but it didn’t pay enough for me to afford Boston-area rent even if I’d shared a tiny apartment with a bunch of roommates. The one year I lived in a shared apartment used up all my savings from my first year of working. When I moved back home after that, I started saving again, this time for grad school.</p>
<p>When I lived with my parents and was working, I paid them rent that was well below what they could have gotten if they rented out my room to someone else (I think it was about $150 a month, this was in the mid-1990s). During the time I was in grad school, they let me live there rent-free, as I’d done during my summer vacations from college. </p>
<p>My parents bought some groceries, I bought some, and sometimes they’d cook for all three of us and sometimes I would. They paid for my health insurance, but I had no car and this was before the era of cell phones, so apart from a few extra groceries and a little more hot water for showers they weren’t incurring any extra expenses by my living in the house. </p>
<p>I also was able to take care of their special-needs dog; he couldn’t stand being in kennels or taken care of by strangers, so if I hadn’t been living there it would have severely reduced their ability to travel. Besides pet care and some cooking, I helped out with housework now and then, probably not as much as I should’ve in retrospect.</p>
<p>Overall, it worked pretty well, but I think that was sheer luck. I didn’t expect my parents to do my laundry, cook for me or do any extra work. They lived in a big Victorian house and my room was in the attic, the rest of which was used for storage, so I had my own space–I spent plenty of time hanging around with my parents in the rest of the house, but I could get away from them if I needed to. If it wasn’t for that, I don’t think I could have stood it for more than a year. Your mileage may vary.</p>
<p>I didn’t spend a lot of time at home either when I lived with my mother. I was either working, working out or taking classes. Her home was very conveniently located, she didn’t drive so I could drive her if she needed a ride and she was working two jobs anyways so she wasn’t around a lot but liked to have someone around or at least the appearance of a male around the house to make it less attractive for robbers. Her house did get robbed once after we all moved out.</p>
<p>It wasn’t a financial thing in moving back home - I lost the place that I was staying in Boston (don’t remember the reason why) and it was just easy to move back home as I think that I lost the place with little notice. It might have been the guy I was subletting from had his girlfriend move in. At any rate, I had to move maybe one or two years later for a new job. Buying a place wouldn’t have been a good idea at that time because I would have either had to sell it or deal with a long commute.</p>
<p>Adult kids at home - not for me. A quarter century raising the kids is enough for me. I’m looking forward to regaining my freedom. </p>
<p>I also want them to develop the skills that can only be learned by living on your own (or with an apartman/house mate) - like paying bills, taking care of a property, etc.</p>
<p>zoosermom–thanks! I guess some people have had such difficult lives that they can’t imagine wanting to return home to their parents for any reason or to welcome their kids back home. They have my sympathy.</p>
<p>bethie, I don’t think you’re creepy, weird, sick or anything else. </p>
<p>But, of course, I’m the whackjob who is (tongue in cheek) planning to keep my son with me forever and would make THAT WOMAN’S life miserable if she ever married my lambchop. Of course, he’s only 13, so . . .</p>
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My 23-year old is at home currently, working full time and going to grad school. She has two semesters left and the current plan is to get a job and move about 10 hours away. I would find that worse than having her live here. I can understand the desire for freedom, though. My husband and I would like some time and space to ourselves, but that’s not happening for a while! I will say, though, that as a working mom, my daughter’s support for our son in middle school has been priceless. Also, since they are so far apart in age, it would have been easy for them to not develop such a close relationship, but having her here at this age has helped them to really bond. I wouldn’t trade that for all the freedom in the world.</p>
<p>But I still have hope she will get a nice job next year (close by) and also get her own place.</p>
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<p>My two adult kids do not live with us – and my husband would object vehemently if either of them wanted to – but I don’t see a problem with it.</p>
<p>How would it hamper my freedom? They’re adults. Even when they visit, they mostly prepare their own meals and do their own laundry because they live on different schedules than my husband and I do. And if they were living with us full-time, they would have to have their own cars, rather than borrowing mine the way they do when they visit. We live three miles from the nearest bus line. It’s pretty much essential for all adults to have their own cars. </p>
<p>I don’t see how they would interfere with my life at all, except for the trivial issue of people occasionally having to move their cars because they’re parked behind someone who needs to go out. And having extra adults in the house who can sometimes help each other with routine things (“Can you pick up some AA batteries when you go to fill your prescription?”) would more than compensate for that.</p>
<p>The person who really interferes with my freedom is my husband, who has the archaic notion that wives should always prepare dinner – which makes it difficult for me to run errands or do anything social with colleagues after work. I wouldn’t put up with that sort of expectation from a grown child, and they wouldn’t expect it from me anyway.</p>
<p>Post-grad kids living here. Not optimum for any of us but a healthy response to the financial climate kids are facing.</p>
<p>One works and is going to be attending grad school; the other works part time and is also going to be attending grad school.</p>
<p>I am so grateful that I can help them in this way.</p>
<p>I wish I were rich enough to rent a place for them.</p>
<p>I don’t think the goal is getting out as quickly as possible. I think the goal is making the best life possible. I was a bit of a slow starter myself in terms of career. I had jobs, but circumstances (not poor work performance) ended them. I was lucky to have a husband earning a decent salary as a cushion.</p>
<p>I finally landed in a stable and well-paid career.</p>
<p>Neither of my kids has a significant other, and if I am that cushion, so be it.</p>
<p>I was less stressed before they came home, but there are many fulfilling moments.</p>
<p>I am committed to my kids until they are completely launched. That’s just the way it is.</p>
<p>I can’t imagine the pain of watching them flounder or fail when the couldn’t find meaningful work or gain a toe-hold in the society, if that happened.</p>
<p>Of course, here in the NE housing is extremely expensive. The year my D spent in Atlanta it was easy for her to maintain herself on her own.</p>
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Well obviously you wouldn’t want to have naked Zumba with the people down the street if the kids were living in the house, even as adults.</p>
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I feel the same way. I tell my kids that they will always have a home with me. I hope they won’t always need it.</p>
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<p>A little floundering builds character. The birds need out of the nest.</p>
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<p>Agreed.</p>
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<p>Are you raising them when they are adults? What do you lose in the way of freedom?</p>
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<p>If I were the sort of person who enjoyed naked Zumba, it wouldn’t bother me in the least if my kids caught a glimpse of it.</p>
<p>Of course, it might bother them. That’s their problem.</p>
<p>I come from a family where there have been many instances where related adults shared homes either for short or long periods of time. The most notable example is my divorced father and his never-married sister, who decided, in late middle age, to buy a condo together because it was cheaper and roomier than living in separate apartments. They shared a home for 25 years, until my aunt’s death.</p>
<p>On the other side of my family, my mother and her mother shared a home as adults at three different points in their lives, for different reasons each time. The first time, it was because the younger woman was saving money for a house. The second time, it was because the younger woman and her children needed a place to live temporarily after a divorce. The third time, it was because the older woman’s health was failing and the younger one was her caregiver.</p>
<p>And my sister, while in her thirties, lived with family members for several years to save money so she could afford to go back to school and get an MBA. One of the people she lived with was a retired person who was lonely and greatly enjoyed my sister’s company. Sounds like a win-win situation to me.</p>
<p>It’s hard for me to see a problem with any of these things.</p>
<p>BCEagle–I don’t think you are creepy, weird or sick either. We all have different family circumstances and parenting styles. My kid has barely been home for the past 5 years. He helps me in all kinds of ways when he is home. This is a treat for me. Like zoosermom, I hope he will not always need our support. I didn’t often need help from my parents after college graduation, but it was wonderful knowing it was there if I needed it.</p>
<p>I married H after he had lived with his folks most of the 40+ years of his life (he did move out for about 6 years & lived on his own in two real estate properties he purchased but moved back to help the folks, with whom he was living when we met and later married). We have been happily married now for over 25 years. It is not all that rare in HI. </p>
<p>My sister married the love of her life later in life as well. Her H has been living at home with his mother all his life and now my sister lives with both of them, as does their young son. My BIL’s brother lives with is wife and her mother in a combined household as well. In HI, this is called “Ohana” (family) housing and is not uncommon (we have one of the highest cost of living and housing in the US). Relationships among and between the generations are forged–grandchild with parents and grandparents. It seems inappropriate to me for others to impose values or make assumptions about people because of their living arrangements, which occur for many different reasons, some of which is mutual aid and support, some of which is financial. I’m happy that my sister is happy in her household. </p>
<p>Shortly after we married, H & I offered to remodel my in-laws home & move in with them to help care for my MIL. They rejected our offer, so we bought our own home instead but I have friends who have remodeled and moved in with their parents/in-laws to help care for them and it was the right choice for them.</p>
<p>Our neighbors have an adult S with MS or MD who lives with them. Their other adult S also lives with them and helps them care for the one who is disabled. All 4 of them appear to be living in harmony. The sons are in their 40s, I believe while the parents are in their 70s. They are very nice and good neighbors, no wild parties, no fights. My great-aunt & uncle also cared for their mentally and emotionally disabled son in their home as they couldn’t bear to make other arrangements for him and he wouldn’t agree to any. They passed away recently in their late 80s/90s & their S passed away around the same time, in his 60s.</p>
<p>Personally, I feel it is wrong to judge others. As long as the relationships seem to be mutually beneficial for those involved, it seems to be totally up to the individuals involved to make choices that work for them. I do have problems when it appears one or more parties are taking advantage of others in the situation, but even there it is their situation and not one I can do anything about unless I am somehow related to the individuals involved and they ASK ME for help and/or intervention.</p>
<p>I agree that many generations ago it was common for children to live at home until marriage. But it must be remembered that marriage at that time was around the age of 18 or 20. If somone did live at home after that age, they were either a confirmed bachelor or an old maid. Even then, these children were expected to have full time occupations to earn money to bring into the household. The parents did not support the full grown children. Monies earned by the children supported the household. Are full grown adults contributing to the financial care of the household today, if they are living with their parents? Unfortunately, in many cases, the answer is no. And when I say support the household, I mean contributing money to rent/mortgage/utilities, taking care of family members, doing work around the house, working in the family business, cooking, cleaning, home repair work, etc., everything that a regular house-hold owner does.</p>
<p>All the grown adults (& kids) I know who are living with their families in an extended family arrangement do indeed contribute toward the family–financially and doing the things that keep the household running. In many cases, do not believe the elders in the situation could keep the household and be cared for if the younger family members chose to leave to set up their own households.</p>
<p>Of course, there are freeloaders, but among the families I know, those are few and far between.</p>