<p>Of course you’re right about that poetgrl. The pervasiveness of prison rape humor is also a shocking thing (to me). Rape isn’t funny.</p>
<p><a href=“http://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/she-the-people/wp/2013/03/06/wishing-rape-on-campus-away-wont-make-it-so/[/url]”>http://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/she-the-people/wp/2013/03/06/wishing-rape-on-campus-away-wont-make-it-so/</a></p>
<p>What this works out to is that Princeton has more than two rapes (not counting sexual assaults) per day every single day the University is in session. But rather than do something about it, the University attempted to bury their data (and succeeded for five years). When rape is so common, and so commonly accepted at our nation’s so-called best colleges and universities, one wonders how much this message seeps down to the high school kids, who can’t wait to have more power when they get to go away from home?</p>
<p>How about including rape survey data in USNWR ratings? Can a university where there are more than two rapes per day be considered a “best” university? Is Williams College the number one liberal arts college in the country for the women who have been raped? How about Amherst?</p>
<p>“And you think it is funny? But a CHILD? And you laugh?”</p>
<p>GFG didn’t say she found it funny. She said that other parents did.</p>
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<p>Wow. Sorry you, silpat, and all the others who have bravely found their voice and posted here, have been through what you have. Bravo for taking care of yourself and deciding to work past/through the shame and blame stuff and learn to take care of yourself in a healthy way.</p>
<p>Have you folks seen this? I am truly, sincerely horrified. I just don’t even know what to say:</p>
<p>[Rape</a> charges against Torrington athletes | WTNH.Com Connecticut](<a href=“http://www.wtnh.com/dpp/news/litchfield_cty/rape-charges-against-torrington-athletes]Rape”>http://www.wtnh.com/dpp/news/litchfield_cty/rape-charges-against-torrington-athletes)</p>
<p>silpat - I completely get what you are saying about the weight issues. I feel like I am suddenly connecting a lot of dots in my own life.</p>
<p>More on Torrington - which I had not heard about previously:</p>
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<p>So many aspects of this are shocking I don’t even know where to begin.</p>
<p>Social media is interesting in that it is bringing out into the open what has always been done in private to keep women silent.</p>
<p>What a horrible story.</p>
<p>Did anyone catch the NPR “On Point” call-in radio show on Steubenville? It was interesting & informative–great guests (a legal analyst, a local reporter & NYT reporter).
Here is link: [Justice</a>, Social Media And The Rape Case In Steubenville | On Point with Tom Ashbrook](<a href=“http://onpoint.wbur.org/2013/03/18/steubenville]Justice”>http://onpoint.wbur.org/2013/03/18/steubenville)</p>
<p>One simple and profound statement from this show stuck with me & speaks to the moral lapse shown by so many: “How does it come to be that a sick, passed-out teenage girl becomes an opportunity?”</p>
<p>I’ve been following this thread from the beginning, wondering whether or not to post my experience as “the onlooker who did nothing.” Poetgrl has convinced me that keeping quiet will not solve anything; we should try to look at every facet of the problem.</p>
<p>Incidents like the one in Steubenville were an almost weekly occurrence in my small town when I was a teenager. I’m not at all sure that the boys understood that what they were doing was wrong. I think that everyone at those parties had the impression that the victims (the same two or three girls again and again) were somehow complicit in the abuse. </p>
<p>I remember thinking that it was very unfair that these girls were labeled as “sluts” for being the objects of the boys’ actions, but it certainly never occurred to any of us to stop it. Even if we had concluded that the girls didn’t want or deserve what was happening, the idea of calling the police would have been laughable. In our town, the police would have been more likely to join in than to protect anyone. Calling the girls’ parents was even less of an option. Assuming the parents were sober enough to care, the girl would most likely have been punished (with punishment that was almost guaranteed to include physical violence). Why bring on more pain and humiliation?</p>
<p>Looking back, it’s pretty clear to me that these girls had been sexually abused from a young age. There were some rumors, but even apart from that, all the signs were there. I’m very sure that these girls had either learned to associate the molestation with affection, had never learned that “no” was an option, or both.</p>
<p>I’ve hesitated to post because some people might conclude that I’m saying the girls wanted this to happen. I’m certainly not saying that they wanted to be used and humiliated. I’m saying that they gave the impression of going along with it voluntarily, which is very different. (It’s hard to say “voluntarily” when they were so drunk and/or drugged as to be almost inert, but they did keep coming to the parties.)</p>
<p>We need some serious education and consciousness-raising about what it means when girls appear to be willing participants in their own harm. Look for past abuse; I bet you’ll find it. I don’t know whether teenagers are capable of taking on the kind of intervention required in cases like this, but it couldn’t hurt to explain to them that what they’re seeing has far deeper roots than someone waking up one day and deciding to become a “slut.”</p>
<p>Btw, you can add me to the list of people raped in college – stone-cold sober, in my dorm room, wearing a flannel nightgown. I never told anyone, because, of course, why did I let him in? Until I read this thread, I had no idea how common this experience is!</p>
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<p>Yes, I think this is very true. Some people seem to think that this shaming and bullying was created by social media. I think it has always been there. Perhaps the use of social media is actually serving a positive purpose in that it is exposing to the public view the horrendous depths to which some will sink. </p>
<p>Will this be like lancing a boil? Will society become convinced that rape culture is real and that it MUST be addressed?</p>
<p>Is it really news to anyone here that rape is a “crime of opportunity”? Of course, all women have the right to drink themselves into oblivion and hang out alone in dangerous places. If one has a daughter I suppose you can impress this fact upon her and if, God forbid, anything bad does happen to her she can take comfort in the knowledge that it isn’t her fault (which it isn’t).</p>
<p>Personally, I’m going to keep stressing that in the wicked world we live in, I would rather have her be safe(er) than right. If anyone thinks that makes me somehow responsible for the “rape culture”, then I will have to consider their opinions contemptable.</p>
<p>P.S. Apparently I’m part of the “burglary and car break-in culture” too since I think it’s very important to lock the doors of my home and cars. If I park my car in a sketchy part of town, leave the keys in it and someone steals it, of course they had absolutely no right to do that. That won’t make me feel better when the car is gone.</p>
<p>I am saddened to hear each of your stories, and so moved by your courage and strong
voices silpat, moonchild, emeraldkitty, kdmom and rockvillemom. The human reaction of terror, denial and shame that follows sexual assault keeps us hidden and afraid to tell, anyone. And then when we tell, especially if it is much later in time, the stories aren’t believed. which only reinforces the shame, and sense of isolation. </p>
<p>There aren’t that many of us total contributing to this thread yet we have many who have experienced sexual abuse/assault and rape. I’m glad for this thread, and for the sharing of information and views. I value and appreciate the importance many of us place on raising awareness, and strengthening each other’s voice---- thank you poetgrl, mini, jym626, momof2, to name just a few.</p>
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<p>Joblue–</p>
<p>I have no problem with educating people on how to stay safe-r.</p>
<p>I also believe we have been discussing and researching how to stay safe-r for over 20 years now. New research is coming to light which points out that these criminals are serial rapists, and that 9 out of 10 campus rapes are committed by these criminals.</p>
<p>It is time also to address the issue of harboring and protecting these criminals.</p>
<p>Both can be done and both need to be done.</p>
<p>kdmom - thank you for sharing your own experience. I am horrified and amazed by how common these experiences are - I really had no idea. </p>
<p>I knew a girl in college who did exactly what you described in hs - she got very drunk every weekend - went off with a different guy every night - and had the resulting reputation. The idea that she had perhaps suffered sexual abuse at a young age and that was a factor in what she did makes sense - now.</p>
<p>For those of you who have bravely chosen to share your story and take care of yourselves, there are wonderful books by these authors to help with the healing process. This is one, and others are mentioned below in the amazon ad as well as inside the book (click on the “look inside” link ) [The</a> Courage to Heal 4e: A Guide for Women Survivors of Child Sexual Abuse 20th Anniversary Edition: Ellen Bass, Laura Davis: 9780061284335: Amazon.com: Books](<a href=“http://www.amazon.com/Courage-Heal-4e-Survivors-Anniversary/dp/0061284335]The”>http://www.amazon.com/Courage-Heal-4e-Survivors-Anniversary/dp/0061284335)</p>
<p>Also agree that education is essential. Education includes not only self protection, but also education about boundaries, behavior and personal responsibility.</p>
<p>And thank you, lintz, and again to to the brave posters sharing here.</p>
<p>We’ve been teaching girls how to be “safe” since as long as my sister and I can remember (I’m 22, she’s almost 27). It’s not working which is why it’s painful to keep reading it over and over again. Teaching girls how “not to get raped” is, again, not working so we need to change our perspective.</p>
<p>If colleges should be ranked by rape stats doesn’t that beg the question, what the hell is going on there? It’s more than just having women on campus. There is some place in this discussion for why rape is more present and accepted on certain campuses than others which doesn’t have to spiral into victim blaming.
I know I have read stats on binge drinking rates being higher among whites, greek membership, rural campuses. Do these stats overlay the rape stats? Not saying correlation equals causation but it doesn’t seem to be working to tell rapists not to rape.
And has anyone studied whether women who have stated yes to being penetrated without consent also would state yes to being asked if they had been raped during their time on campus? Perhaps that definition really needs to get out there to all students. As others have sadly described, there is this notion of strangers jumping out of bushes as rape, but it’s so often someone known to the victim which may make it harder to use the word rape. Think about the phrases “forcing himself on her” or “taking advantage of her” which are ways to avoid saying rape. That language needs to change.</p>
<p>Joblue you said,“Is it really news to anyone here that rape is a “crime of opportunity”? Of course, all women have the right to drink themselves into oblivion and hang out alone in dangerous places.”</p>
<p>with all due respect, have you not read the posters here who have all shared horrifying rape incidents where they were stone cold sober and in their dorm room etc?</p>
<p>and I still have an unanswered question for GFG, when you speak of the “temptation to rape” are you referring to being tempted by females who are looking sexual in some way?</p>
<p>All this discussion of how crime victims need to take preventative steps and are to blame if they don’t…even if they don’t stay it outright as much reminds me of an old saying regarding spreading the blame around or allocating it inappropriately:</p>
<p>“If everyone’s responsible, then no one’s responsible”. </p>
<p>Any discussion of crimes where a sizable portion of the discussion is focused on the victim’s mistakes or failures to anticipate is a distraction which takes away attention from a problem which affects all of us…criminals commit crimes. Moreover, such discussions dumps what is really a society-wide problem completely on the shoulders of individual victims. </p>
<p>If criminals commit crimes, they are ergo 100% responsible for them and any discussions of responsibility should be 100% focused on holding them responsible and punishing them in ways to keep the rest of the greater public safe from them.</p>