<p>Yes, our family has the power to help us or further victimize us. I hope you were able to support your niece in her healing from the rape. It is so wrong that we as a society and people who should know better re-victimize the victim. It is bad enough that the person was attacked and violated but to have to endure attacks from loved and respected family and authority figures is beyond awful.</p>
<p>I know my mom (in her 80s) still idolizes sports figures and figures any sports person who is accused of sexual assault is being wrongly accused by someone out to get money from him. I sometimes wonder (and am sure she must as well) how her ideas and mine are so sharply divergent–maybe it was good peer influences because all my GFs, like D & all her GFs are very strong, confident women. Mom was raised that her place was to be supportive of her H, and “nice girls don’t get raped.” Any female who has had sex outside of marriage is automatically a “slut” and not a person with feelings and worth. I have tried to calmly discuss this with her because it honestly baffles me, but to this day she feels badly for athletes who have been wrongly accused and had to pay to settle sexual assault cases against them. Obviously there are a lot of folks who share my mom’s attitudes (male AND female, young AND old). Not positive about how dad feels, as it has not come up.</p>
<p>Silpat,
Your story about your niece is horrifying on so many levels. Am so glad she had a friend’s family to live with. Sorry her mom chose the prepetrator/abuser over her D. I’m sure the rapist said that the D seduced him or some other lie, if the mom even found out. AWFUL. Hope the niece got/receives counseling. Shame on your brother for not supporting the niece and heaping further blame on her!</p>
<p>Oh my, Silpat. Your experiences are sadly all too common. Breaking the silence is so difficult, and trust is so fragile that when you are able to feel safe enough to take that leap of faith and share, if the veracity of your report is questioned, or partial blame is implied, this can be devasatating. </p>
<p>Hang in there silpat and every other poster who has experienced an assault.</p>
<p>Slightly off topic,
We learned when I was in HS that my dad had benevolently decided it was a good idea to pick up female hitchhikers at the HS so they wouldn’t get mugged by a predator. We pointed out it was also a way for him to put himself at risk for blackmail or possible assault if one of the females decided to claim he did ANYTHING to them. We pointed out that he had a LOT to lose by offering them a ride and encouraged him to offer them bus fare and advise them to catch the bus but NOT give them a ride in his car. Fortunately, after we framed the issue to him and pointed out danger to HIM, he stopped. It is sad, but we felt it was important for him to be protected.</p>
<p>Does anyone have any information (Poetgrl?) on the frequency of false reports (such as HImom described above)? Hopefully the number is small, but the fact that it does occur and that we have to think this way is both a sad reflection on our society and a cause for some to justify disbelieving true victims.</p>
<p>I believe the number is small–one of the many materials I’ve read on this thread said 8% or less. The CHANCE of sexual assault allegations is one of the reasons all OB/GYNs I know have a female present in the room throughout the exam. It is also the reason many insurers require background checks of all employees if you want insurance, especially if you provide one-on-one service to the patient. It is also one of the reason many offices had a top panel of office doors clear glass.</p>
<p>Silpat, I also suspect your ex-SIL may be probably a domestic violence victim or at least a victim-to-be, in having a BF that would rape a young female as he did. If you still have any connection to her, she may need info about domestic violence hotline and/or other services.</p>
<p>Here is an older article from the NY times about the harm we do when we blame the victim. It’s from their “modern love” column and generated more responses than any other article for that column. Let’s not blame the victim, each other, or ourselves! It’s the rapist and the tolerance for rape that is to blame.</p>
<p>Thanks for this report, 07DAD. The numbers in your report range from 2-8% false reports. Given that, would folks reading this thread </p>
<ol>
<li><p>pick up or advise anyone you cared about (like your kids) to pick up (especially young women) hitchhikers to reduce their risk of becoming victims, as dad was doing or </p></li>
<li><p>would you give them bus fare and recommend that they catch the bus or </p></li>
<li><p>do something different or nothing? </p></li>
</ol>
<p>Just curious & something to think about. The HS is still on the main highway and there are still people trying to hitch rides from it. I’m sure there are similar situations in many other locations.</p>
<p>I think one of the reasons women so harshly blame women victims is in a mistaken way to try to disassociate and distance themselves from the victim. They want to cast the victim in a light as different and deserving of the poor treatment so they are not vulnerable to being victims as well.</p>
<p>I have always found pack mentality extremely cruel, especially when women turn against women. I have been the subject of it, as has my D. We are fortunate that we had other resources to help us get through, but it is devastating.</p>
<p>Yes, hitchhikers are abused, of both genders. They could also assault or blackmail the driver who picked them up. It just seemed too dangerous and I have always urged my loved ones NOT to pick them up. If folks want to help, offer bus or taxi fare but not pick them up.</p>
<p>I agree with you, Himom. It seems like denial at it’s most unfair. And of course, we blame ourselves too to deny that anything so horribly bad actually happened.</p>
<p>It is very frightening to think “This could happen to anyone!” This is similar to what happens when someone is diagnosed with a nasty, progressive, chronic condition that is USUALLY caused by lifestyle, like emphysema USUALLY caused by smoking. People are VERY uncomfortable when they learn that the patient did everything RIGHT and can’t say, “Ah, but your lifestyle of course put you at increased risk,” since I live a healthier lifestyle, I’m not at risk.</p>
<p>I definitely see parallels in the blame game and blame shifting–blame the victim/blame the patient.</p>
<p>I don’t think Kelly Dick’s sorority sisters were worried it could happen to them, I think it did happen to them and they took it and turned it around on her that she should shut up and be okay with it lest it cost them access to their desired men.</p>
<p>I agree with your guess as to why the sorority turned against Kelly, and believe it is yet another reason that some women are so harshly judging others. They figured they endured silently and so should others. They might also have been mad at Kelly because a handsome “good catch” was blackballed from the frat and left the U and blamed her for it. They might have also resented that some of the frat brothers took care of her afterwards when no one showed similar concern or help for them. </p>
<p>We’ll never know exactly why any of them chose to close ranks and turn against her or why it appears to be happening to the Steubenville victim or many other crime victims, including in the Sandusky case. It could be other reasons as well, all of these or none of them. The social isolation and pain it creates is still excruciating for the victims who are treated so harshly when they are so vulnerable.</p>
<p>“But, the fact is that if you read some of the links, this is ubiquitious. So, you can try to label the named schools, but do you honestly think there is more of a problem at Princeton than Yale, which is also being investigated by the DOJ?”</p>
<p>I don’t agree with this. It reminds me of the canard that students binge drink at all schools. Well, they do, yet the rates at schools, often very similar in character and attracting would what seem to be similar students, can in fact vary quite widely. And the entire cultures of the schools can be different. Some of it has to do with tone set by the administration, and their willingness to intervene in student affairs. Some of it has to do with the level of coordination/cooperation with local law enforcement. Some of it has to do with how swift and sure the institution’s judicial system is. Some of it has to do with role sororities and fraternities play on campus, and spectator sports. Compare, say (for purposes of drinking), Swarthmore and Amherst.</p>
<p>Now I don’t know the risk factors for rape on campus. So I’m not going to make them up. I;m sure there is some research out there, but not enough. Unfortunately, despite current thinking about serial rapists, there appear to be A LOT of criminals on the campuses for which we have data. </p>
<p>I know for sure that one cannot rely AT ALL on Clery reports - the lack of Clery reports of rape may mean the campus is MORE unsafe rather than less so, and we know from good surveys that Clery reports, when they happen, represent only a tiny portion of all offenses.</p>
<p>Here’s an article about the VICTIM in the trial, with a link to an article about another rape victim who went on to have a productive and successful life.</p>
<p>I wouldn’t disagree with this. At this point, frankly, I have no idea how you would know, though, since I think what we are finding is some really pervasive number fudging, and I don’t think only at the places we know about.</p>
<p>For example, one might look at Amherst as a massive risk. But, Amherst is at least talking about it. Williams is at least expelling students and UNC is at least firing administrators.</p>
<p>I’m not sure what to think yet, since sometimes this stuff is way more counterintuitive than you would assume. For example, I would never have thought Amherst had that big of a problem given the small size of the student body. I would think the problem with rape would be much bigger at bigger universities, which it may well be. Our numbers are off.</p>
<p>We know that big sports teams are an issue, and we know that Fraternities are dangerous for both men and women, but do we know if the same is for marching bands? Turns out it could be. </p>
<p>One big risk seems to be single rooms in dorms as opposed to having roommates. This seems to be a huge risk.</p>
<p>I mean, there’s a lot of stuff to factor in, and I’m pretty sure we haven’t been asking the right questions for very long, yet. </p>
<p>So… I would say right now, the numbers being what they are, I don’t know which campuses are worse. Does anybody?</p>