<p>Thank you Himom, I was going to post that.
Ive just been thinking about what I had to do to heal & how long it took.
I also had to move and pretty much cut ties with everyone I knew. ( except for family & my now H)
Most of the time that worked well even though I didn’t move that far.
Except for one evening when we were at a charity function and one of the auctioneers was someone who had stalked and harrassed me that I had never told my H about.
I tried to avoid him seeing me but unbelievably he came up to talk to the group we were with and ( I had had a few glasses of complimentary Champagne) I fled in horror. My H thought I was just crazy.
I was afraid if I went back in I would try out the hand forged carving knife ( with a steel & a birdseye maple case) and see how sharp it was.
I don’t know if he was so absolutely clueless, he thought it was a good idea to approach me in that setting, or if he was sadistic as well as being a moron.</p>
<p>I’m so sorry to hear the stories of the rape and assault survivors in this thread. My heart breaks for all of you. How awful that you had to go through that. </p>
<p>I hope your speaking out here will make some small difference in how others view the crime of rape. The people responsible for rape are not our nice CC friends whose posts we read all the time, but the criminals who attacked them. The people who are responsible for all rapes are the rapists.</p>
<p>Yeah it reminds me of a HS reunion I foolishly attended. Loyal sidekick of bully was mourning his recent death and asked me if I was also sad. I was stunned at the question since bully made my grade school living hell by hitting, punching and taunting me with loyal sidekick and two other goons by his side. I said calmly and loudly “I was glad he died as I had no fond memories of him and the beatings and bullying I had suffered from him.” Sidekick was stunned, “But you’re a girl! Girls aren’t supposed to be hit.” I said, “Well I was a girl then too when it all happened. I do not miss your bully friend.” It felt cathartic and confirmed my belief that people have convenient amnesia when it’s convenient.</p>
<p>As a follow-up to poetgrl’s post #700, rather than use a negative system to ding schools for the # of reported rapes (which as was said is likely massively incorrect) how about one put a positive spin on it and give a positive rating to schools trying to address the issue head on and deal in a positive, productive way, with student assault and the perpetrators?</p>
<p>^very good article…</p>
<p>hope we can help all who’ve been victimized to truly believe they are not to blame. women survivors I’ve worked with invariably report the mother’s, brother’s, pastor’s comments casting blame on them/even just questioning their choices, as the most painful and lingering aspect of their recovery. even many years later we can fix that by telling people we care about that now we realize it was never their fault. even if we are saying it to ourselves…</p>
<p>Great. Another one.</p>
<p>[2</a> high school football players in Torrington, Conn., charged with sex assault on 13-year-old girl - NY Daily News](<a href=“National News - New York Daily News”>2 high school football players in Torrington, Conn., charged with sex assault on 13-year-old girl )</p>
<p>Not sure if it’s been discussed here yet, but there’s a great article called, “Steubenville: this is rape culture’s Abu Ghraib moment” but I don’t want to link it for fear of breaking a CC “do not link to a none real newspaper websites” rule.</p>
<p>These crimes HAVE to be reported and prosecuted so that people start taking this more seriously and we start developing new social norms about what IS and IS NOT acceptable behavior. We also need to have re-education about SUPPORTING not blaming victims. I am glad that perpretrators and criminals are being called to account. I hope this family and young teen get the support they need and deserve.</p>
<p>It’s sad that some posts are so bullying in tone and seem more concerned with demonizing me than with understanding the points I am trying to make. Some of you aren’t even reading my posts carefully enough to correctly attribute words and behavior. </p>
<p>What does it mean to talk about a rape “culture”? Based on the definition of a culture, I was assuming you were suggesting that there are some shared beliefs and understandings in American society about men’s and women’s roles, sexuality, what consitutes consent, what constitutes rape, etc. that underly this negative culture.</p>
<p>My posts were designed to spark discussion about what these shared cultural understandings might be, where they originate from, and what can be done to eradicate what is sick and wrong. Can you acknowledge that boys and girls learn attitudes from the world around them? They learn from their parents, peers, books, TV, music, and all their experiences. So when a 7th grade boy loudly tells a girl in the middle school cafeteria that she has big t*ts, do you think he’s saying that because he’s an animal and a budding sexual predator? Or is he saying that because he learned from Dad or some sitcom that that’s how you size up a girl or joke about the opposite sex? When a girl decides that “bad boys,” are fun and cool, and so are “girls gone wild,” where did she get that idea from? I hesitate to give more examples, because some posters will get distracted by the details which are just illustrations, and miss the bigger picture. </p>
<p>My dance story was completely true. If you don’t believe me, it makes little difference to the argument except for the fact that your animosity toward me will impede your comprehension and fair assessment of my ideas. I shared that appalling story to demonstrate that social problems are complex and we won’t solve them by myopic focus on one aspect or one group of people, even if it or they are the most blameworthy (and yes the rapists are the most blameworthy.) Many factors and influences produced that final result. How was that young girl parented such that she didn’t respect herself, her body, or her male classmated? What media portrayals of women influenced her? Was there materialism at work? Poverty? Was she abused by an adult and that distorted her self-image? Why weren’t the teacher chaperones paying better attention to the students at the dance? Were they simply too busy chatting amongst themselves to notice what was occurring, or did they see what was happening between the girl and some boys and choose to ignore it --just like the teachers at that nursery school under investigation where kids were engaging in sexual acts? Why did the father of the soccer player think it was manly or cute or whatever that boys would want to pay for dirty dancing? Why on earth would he have joked about it, much less encouraged it by offering to give his son extra money to engage in that inappropriate behavior at the next dance? Why did the soccer mom think it was smart, daring or enterprising for the girl to plan that little business of hers? Why didn’t she express disapproval instead? Why did none of the parents who heard about this going on decide, like I did, that the middle school dances might not be a good environment for their adolescents?</p>
<p>So when the 12 year old soccer player goes to the next dance with his $5, do you think he really is the only one responsible for his behavior and for the opportunity being available to engage in it?</p>
<p>Ultimately, people are to blame for their criminal actions, regardless of everything. I’m not saying that they aren’t. But I am saying there are many angles to attack in order to change our culture so that there is less objectification of women, a lower risk of men becoming rapists, and a lower risk to women of being raped. Just like in the Penn State case, this case has many layers.</p>
<p>mrs.college, it is okay to link a publication. It is a good article, and here it is.</p>
<p>[Steubenville:</a> this is rape culture’s Abu Ghraib moment](<a href=“http://www.newstatesman.com/laurie-penny/2013/03/steubenville-rape-cultures-abu-ghraib-moment]Steubenville:”>Laurie Penny on Steubenville: this is rape culture's Abu Ghraib moment)</p>
<p>Yes, there is much work to be done from all sides and everyone willing has a role to play. We can make a difference by speaking up and speaking out whenever the opportunity arises, even if it’s uncomfortable and will bring about consequences that may be unpleasant or worse.</p>
<p>I suspect the “dirty dancing” young lady has been the victim of sexual abuse, but who knows? What intervention would you propose, other than deciding whether to have your kid attend or not attend the dance? What did you do, if you care to share? I think when people take a stand as recommended by 1 in 4 and Bringing in the Bystander, it empowers others to take a stand and helps shift the social norms so that people have to stop and think about what is reality and what is media and how they feel about it.</p>
<p>We can also write to companies who have ads that sexualize women and glorify violence about how we feel about those ads and whether it will affect our purchasing decisions, like the ad where the “nerdy” boy kissed dream girl (who was someone else’s date), and was smiling in car with her later mentioned upthread, and other ads where women are dehumanized. </p>
<p>OK, off soapbox for now.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>Yes, what did you do?</p>
<p>Great article, by the way, HImom. So gets to the heart of the matter. Literally.</p>
<p>Mrscollege and Jonri, that is a really strong piece of writing. </p>
<p>The GFG, is you want to know what is meant by “rape culture” read the article that jonri linked. If that was a genuine question, then there will be your answer.</p>
<p>You don’t need to go into analysis to stop child abuse.
GFG,
If you want me to understand your motivation for sharing the story you heard on the soccer field, go over again what your response was when they shared it with you.
And what their response was when you chastised them for their behavior, as I am sure you did because silence =acquiesence.</p>
<p>If I had heard about something like that at my child’s school, I wouldn’t run the other way, I would make sure I was in on the planning & supervising the next event.
I did chaperone at my Ds inner city high school & when I saw behavior like that during the all night school graduation party, I broke it up. I had already dealt with the couple before on my bus & they knew not to cross me.
for some reason I grabbed a flashlight going out the door & it came in handy! they wanted attention from their peers, not someones mom shining a light at them. it broke up pretty quick.
I didn’t chaperone the year my D graduated, but I did the other years, it was fun!)</p>
<p>I also chaperoned all my kids events thru middle school. We did stop kids from trolling Waikiki barely dressed and made sure their parent or guardian retrieved them from the school when it was over and that everyone behaved properly throughout the event. I enjoyed attending, even if it was hard work.</p>
<p>Yes, either H or I chaperoned nearly everything.</p>
<p>And at the middle school dances, the parents were really in the thick of it to make sure there was no inappropriate dancing. We had rules on how close they could dance. </p>
<p>there was certainly no dirty dancing.</p>
<p>and, frankly, I don’t believe that story, anyway.</p>
<p>Here’s an article from Harvard on the issue of rape culture on their campus.</p>
<p><a href=“HuffPost - Breaking News, U.S. and World News | HuffPost”>HuffPost - Breaking News, U.S. and World News | HuffPost;
<p>thanks poetgrl</p>
<p>from your link;</p>
<p>“If they’re not kicked out, they’re given the same rights as you,” Julie says. “And that was really shocking.”</p>
<p>According to Diane L. Rosenfeld, a lecturer at Harvard Law School, the implications of policies like these extend beyond the rulebook and into students’ daily lives.</p>
<p>“If women on campus know that a rape survivor has been silenced somehow by the administration or by the school or by just not having a process that has given her any kind of relief, then it’s entirely possible that they are not enjoying equal access to educational opportunities because they know that they too could be victimized with no recourse as well,” Rosenfeld says.</p>
<p>this. is. rape. culture.</p>
<p>Here is a link to the recommendations regarding rape culture on college campuses made just last year by the AAUP:</p>
<p>[Campus</a> Sexual Assault: Suggested Policies and Procedures | AAUP](<a href=“http://www.aaup.org/report/campus-sexual-assault-suggested-policies-and-procedures]Campus”>http://www.aaup.org/report/campus-sexual-assault-suggested-policies-and-procedures)</p>
<p>But, honestly, I think these are going to be less effective than reporting to local police.</p>
<p>In the end, given the fact that many of these criminals are repeat offenders, one report may not cause an arrest, but the second report with the same name attached probably would.</p>
<p>Ever since I heard about this, I’ve wanted Duff to address it in his column for a weekly paper.
( he was the original bassist with G & R)
[Guns</a> N’ Roses Poster In Las Vegas Draws Officials’ Ire](<a href=“HuffPost - Breaking News, U.S. and World News | HuffPost”>HuffPost - Breaking News, U.S. and World News | HuffPost)
He has two daughters & I’ve been waiting for him to address it but I’m losing patience.
( inside joke)
I try & always have my words match my values and my actions back up my words.
Speak up when something isn’t right, even if it isn’t popular, even if it is difficult. If not now, when?
Kids will push boundaries until something or someone pushes back.
How sad that some young kids don’t have anyone who cares enough to expect more from them.
But I have learned that many kids are just waiting for someone to show that they do. Considering that my kids were often in a " mom doesn’t know anything" phase, it was incredibly rewarding to get these kids to open up. Even if the reason why they initially did so, was because they were so mad & frustrated that they couldn’t hold it in.
But it started a dialogue & that allowed calmer conversation.
I even got hugs at the end. :D</p>