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<p>Been there, heard that. </p>
<p>That’s all part of the denial and memory-less system. </p>
<p>When my H “argued” with his brother about whether his bro would make it to MIL’s funeral on-time, BIL was quite rude about being questioned and stated, “I will be there on time.” …and, of course, he wasn’t. H pointed out to his bro that bro does manage to get to court on-time because we all know judges won’t put up with that nonsense.</p>
<p>Nrdsb4, you have described my H as well. Drives me crazy. He is lucky he has other good qualities. He has become a little bit better over time, but he will never be good. I have left him. He was furious. He has missed planes. It didn’t change the behavior. He has relatives who are worse than him (the whole culture is more relaxed about time) and they drive him crazy.</p>
<p>I have wondered about adult ADHD as well. </p>
<p>There are 7 of us “kids.” Our nuclear family, younger bro and younger sis and dad are the only ones who are prompt and come on time or early. The rest consider coming within an hour or so of the start time to be “on time.” It makes me crazy, but we adapt. </p>
<p>I tend not to want to plan with my sibs who are chronically late more than necessary. They CAN be on time if it’s important TO THEM. </p>
<p>In our nuclear family, we are all prompt (or early), as we taught our kids that it’s selfish and rude to be chronically late. It works for us. We are all very understanding is some random emergency causes an unexpected delay. </p>
<p>I have adult ADHD but I tend to be early because I allow at least 30 minutes or more than I really feel it would take to get there.
I get so distracted, that when I am say working in my yard, and nature calls, I have to constantly repeat to myself that I am going into the house to pee, so I don’t start doing something else on the way.
When I do end up someplace an hour or so early, it is extremely frustrating, because I think of all the things I could have been doing. That makes it more difficult to allow more time for mishaps the next time I think.
Not being able to judge time also makes it difficult as does having no short term memory.
I have put my keys in my purse while I am getting ready, but then don’t remember when I am about to walk out the door, so I spend ten minutes looking for them.</p>
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When I do end up someplace an hour or so early, it is extremely frustrating, because I think of all the things I could have been doing. </p>
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<p>That’s why I love my iPad. I keep it in my purse. It’s great to be able to pass any wait time on an iPad. I don’t even mind waiting in long lines anymore. </p>
<p>My dad was never late to church, work, or important stuff (weddings, etc), but for everything else, he’d always be late. We learned to plan things that would take place right after work/church/etc, because then he would get there on-time. </p>
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<p>And that’s an important distinction, and one that I think is meaningful in the selfish vs ADHD symptom vs teenaged-brain question (pick any 1-3 
). As mentioned previously, DS was late to dates with a girl he really didn’t want to be late for. That wasn’t selfish, since he was jeopardizing a relationship that mattered to him. Maybe she would have done him a favor long-term if she said “if you can’t be on time, never mind, there are lots of boys who would be happy to get here on time,” but that’s not how it played out. </p>
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<p>Sometimes I have those kinds of conversations with DH. He’ll give me a list of the things he needs to get done, then says “I’ll be home by x time.” I have to go, “Okay, hold on. It’s going to take you an hour to do a, then it takes 30 minutes to get to the mall, then you’ll be hitting traffic after that, etc.” He’ll say “Oh, yeah, you’re right about that. So guess I’ll be home at y time.” And he’s much closer to being on target. If we don’t have that kind of conversation, he’ll be late. </p>
<p>I’ve also observed him at home when we need to be getting ready to go somewhere. He’ll be on target, then he sees the Amex bill sitting on the counter, so he’ll just have a look-see, then he gets distracted by the business journal that also came in the mail, and so on. Then he’s getting into the shower at the time we agreed to be leaving, I’m stewing and resentful, he’s annoyed that I’m annoyed, etc. </p>
<p>Maybe I shouldn’t have opened this thread, because I’m kind of getting peeved. </p>
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That’s why I love my iPad. I keep it in my purse. It’s great to be able to pass any wait time on an iPad. I don’t even mind waiting in long lines anymore*</p>
<p>I don’t carry my iPad with me, and even though I have an iPhone I don’t want to be one of those people always staring at a screen and oblivious to their surroundings, so I do stretches or just chat with the person next to me if I am standing in a line. I really need to take up knitting again, since my current crafty projects are mosaics which are not very portable.</p>
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<p>@Nrdsb4 , I don’t know you (but got some sense of who you are on the Ebola thread) and don’t know your husband from Adam. However, I can almost guarantee that he is as about as able to control it as a diabetic can control their blood sugar. Both can be done, but it is not easy, and it takes years and diligence for it to become second nature. </p>
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<p>Oh Nrdsb4, I hear you. You have described my H. This behavior makes me seethe. He is adult ADD and he’s very aware that tardiness is an issue, but he doesn’t seem to be able to change things. Sometimes I wonder if this has affected him professionally. He chronically underestimates how long a task will take. For instance, out yard is covered in leaves. Its easiest to take the leaves to the recycling/composting place (much easier than bagging the leaves for pickup). The recycling places closes early on Saturday (in an hour). H just went outside to start raking. He will not make any significant progress on the leaves. They will either have to be bagged or wait until next weekend. He has spent the last 4 hours drinking coffee, watching soccer, and playing on his iPad. Wouldn’t it have made more sense to get the raking done first??</p>
<p>My H does take a Rx for his ADHD and it does help a lot. It seems to slow-down his brain a bit so he can consider relevant details.</p>
<p>I, too, used to have to “correct” H’s “I’ll be home by” claims. He, too, wouldn’t consider travel time, or other various aspects of his plans that will consume time. </p>
<p>There seems to be a lack of “growth” in this area as these folks grew up. When my kids were little, they would make this mistake. They hadn’t yet learned to include travel time, etc. They thought that if you had to be somewhere at 8am, then you got into the car at 8am…a very young person’s mistake. </p>
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<p>That’s cuz they prefer to do what they want to do. </p>
<p>There is a certain element of mental immaturity involved with this. They can’t pull themselves away from doing what they want to do. They tell themselves that the outstanding task will only take X minutes, so they can justify doing what they want to do for a much longer time.</p>
<p>Heehee, isn’t that why we’re on CC, instead of doing the weekend tasks (speaking for myself). ;)</p>
<p>Hey . . . I’m multi-tasking . . . on CC, having coffee and “washing out my gray” ;)) </p>
<p>mom2collegekids-although my mother was never diagnosed with ADD/ADHD, etc. much of what you wrote above describing WHY such people are late could have been describing my mother exactly. One in particular caught my eye-she WAS always thinking she could get X done in Y time or could do “one more thing”. She certainly didn’t WANT to be late all the time, and she was the least controlling person I ever met. But she never was able to figure out a way to get it together. Perhaps medication would have helped. We’ll never know. </p>
<p>I am terrible at judging how long things will take. I always have been. (It’s part of the reason that my mom has said since I was little that I need a “wife”.) </p>
<p>My partner has given up asking me when I’ll be home. He knows I’ll be home when I get home- and I generally text before I leave somewhere. He, on the other hand, can generally tell me down to a five-minute window when he’ll be home. </p>
<p>ETA: As for killing time, I read on my phone while waiting for people. I refuse to let a meeting go late because someone was late- especially when I have appointments for work or with my students. I have no qualms about cutting off a student or one of my employees when it is time to move on to my next appointment. </p>
<p>I’m currently interviewing for our data team next semester. Luckily, we have about 4 applicants for each spot so I can easily weed people out. I’ve conducted ~6 interviews so far and 3 of the people were late. C’mon now… </p>
<p>I identify with all the early/ontime folk here, saddled with the didn’t-mean-to-be-late significant others. It is maddening, and i think many CAN change that behavior, if they think it’s important enough.</p>
<p>And my Mom and sister who both have diabetes control their blood sugar just fine!!</p>
<p>It takes time and effort to notice patterns–traffic, work, “one more thing” and others to be able to provide a fairly accurate time estimate. Like anything else, the more one practices figuring this out, the better they can get at it and more accurate they can be. It’s also good to be self amusing, so one can figure out what to do if they happen to get somewhere before others–bring a good book, have an electronic toy, explore the area, or whatever.</p>
<p>It is also a matter of deciding whether you’re OK with arriving early and having to wait or may be late and have others waiting for you. I prefer the former over the latter, but may others prefer that latter as they are OK with being late but HATE waiting. I find it ironic that folks that are chronically late are often very quick to call out others on their tardiness.</p>
<p>lol…I’m multi-tasking…I’m cooking pasta sauce, doing laundry, watching the H vs Y game, and playing on CC. </p>
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As I said it can be done, and is done by many, but I should have said that it takes a while for a type-1 diabetic to do so without excessive need for insulin, and as “second nature.”</p>
<p>^^^
I think when the punishment becomes painful enough, these folks develop coping skills. As I mentioned upthread. BIL is never late to court. Either he learned that in law school or he got bit once from a judge. </p>
<p>For some folks, it had to be REALLY painful. For some, paying money (a penalty) is nothing. In my H’s family, if they missed a plane and had to pay 2-3 times the amount for a new tix, they wouldn’t care as long as they had room on their credit card. lol If the penalty was something that affected their fun/free time, then it might make a difference. </p>
<p>many with ADHD EFD are horrible with money. As long as they can put it on a credit card, it’s painless to them…problem solved in their mind. </p>