<p>My family has always been on time. Back in the mid 70s, if my mom was driving 6 of us to a HS football game, if my friends were not ready at the designated time for pick up, mom would give them 2 minutes then leave.I was so not popular.</p>
<p><<<
I’m not sure why people who have disorders and syndromes can get places on time when they have to (e.g., court or other work places). Some - granted, not all by any stretch - of these disorders may be pure selfishness amd nothing more complicated. As Dstark said in his original post, if they can get their act together when it suits them, then they are simply choosing not to get their act together when it doesn’t suit them, and that’s plIn selfish.</p>
<br>
<br>
<p>This is just my unprofessional opinion based on observances…</p>
<p>The ones who can get to CERTAIN places on time do so because they have some sort of stress going on that trumps being late. It may be a fear of getting yelled at by a boss, or fear of getting in trouble by a judge. For the ones who do care about money, the fear of having to pay an additional cost can be a motivation. </p>
<p>My dad would have hated it if my mom had just gone ahead without him when he kept her waiting. If she had done that once, he likely would have been stressed enough to not do it again. Dad hated to waste gasoline, so if his lateness caused them to have to drive two cars to the same location, that would have motivated him enough to change his ways.</p>
<p>My younger brother, who we call by initials (and they aren’t his initials, long story), is often late. We call it the DBK-Factor. However, he is also a sports photographer in his free time, and is never late to those events. He did miss a plane once, but never again…he’s cheap and it annoyed him to pay an extra cost. On the other hand, my MIL wasted money left and right, so missing planes and paying extra fees were of no consequence to her. </p>
<p>Dr. Phil often mentioned the need to find someone’s “currency” to motivate change. For some, it would be the fear of getting yelled at (embarrassed) at work. For others, it would be the fear of paying an extra cost. My H never missed a school assignment (which many ADHD kids do) because he would have rather died than be embarrassed by not having his homework. </p>
<p>A lot of times the incredible effort (and stress) that it takes for an ADHD person to succeed and be on point in one area results in a let don in other, safer, areas. Think of the preschooler who is a gem a school or the homes of others but melts down when he gets in your front door. My newly diagnosed ADHD kid gets migraines. In elementary school they seemed to come most often on Friday afternoon hen he as just maxed out from the effort of staying on task and being relatively “good” all week in school. He was highly motivated not to act out and to get school work done as best he could and to be socially acceptable to his friends. I imagine there is a similar dynamic at play with the person who can keep it together to get to court on time but struggles at home.</p>
<p>Mom2collegekids, I hear what you’re saying, but I’m still having trouble with the concept. I do know ADHDs who get so distracted that they forget the objective, or they have trouble prioritizing. I totally sympathize with that. </p>
<p>Where I have difficulty seeing where it’s not selfish though, is when the reasons they can be on time in certain occasions and not others, include such things as he’d be too embarrassed in front of his friends, or he doesn’t want to waste gas, spend money, lose his job, etc. I’m not referring to your family, but throughout this thread I hear spouses fuming, being hurt, being incredibly inconvenienced, etc. The person who is late doesn’t appear to change behavior because of their feelings. And that’s kind of the original point. </p>
<p>@hayden
I sent you a PM. </p>
<p>Some/many with ADHD are so focused on what’s “here and now” and right in front of their face (tunnel vision) that they don’t mean to be selfish or self-focused, but the results can be a situation where the consequences to others are not considered. Heck, they often don’t consider the later negative consequences to themselves (such as writing a check when they’re not certain that money is in the bank…or dawdling and missing a plane). </p>
<p>It’s almost an obsessive-compulsive thing going on…and maybe some of that is co-existing. </p>
<p>Think of the way some people act…they will leave dirty dishes wherever they are. Are they really thinking, “Let parent/spouse clean this up” ? No, likely they aren’t even thinking about that. As soon as they finish eating, they’re focused on what they next want to do…unless they have been rigorously trained to get up and take their dishes to the dishwasher. (which is why I think ADHD kids can benefit from that kind of repetitive, habitual, auto-response tasks…get up, fix bed, shower, put PJs in hamper, get dressed, eat, clean up, brush teeth, grab backpack, get in car or on the bus.</p>
<p>Exactly.
My birth family was always late when we went to movies ( the only time we went anywhere)
I HATED that. Not sure why we were always late.
We would enter well after the credits, and sometimes would then stay until the movie started again and leave where we came in.
As a result, I get to movies early, although I will not go to theatres which run ads while the lights are still on, then a hour of previews/ads before the feature starts.</p>
<p>I am late when I can’t find my keys, even though I have a hook to put them on.
Don’t hand me anything when I am doing something else, because I will stick it anywhere " for the moment" and never be able to find it later. I really have extremely poor short term memory.
I will sometimes also take the dog out before I leave and underestimate how much time that takes.
I can’t judge how much time something takes. I always, always underestimate and that is WITHOUT traffic, or unexpected hang ups.
I can judge how old a baby or a puppy is. And during the summer, I can guess what time it is by the position of the sun. But when the days are cloudy all day, I have no idea, and in the winter like now- & it is pitch black at 4:20pm, it seems like 11pm for how my body reacts. ( wants to go to bed)</p>
<p>External structure helps.
A court date- is an external structure. An appt with a friend, doesn’t seem to have as much formal structure, no matter how much you enjoy their company, the perceived time is more " wibbley wobbley, timey wimey".
Probably why my siblings found very formal external structures to assist them in life. ( bro joined the Air Force, sis married a CPA who is LDS), I thought my spouse was organized, and would teach me, but it turned out it was only regarding his work tools and didn’t translate to anything else.</p>
<p>I was never diagnosed ADHD in school, because it was long before IDEA.
I didn’t figure out I was on the spectrum till I began reading books on how to help my kids.
But since there are strong genetic predispositions, why do all the parenting an ADHD child books do not take into consideration that the * parent* needs to get support before they can help their child?</p>
<p>The PM from @mom2collegekids was so insightful and educational for me, I want to thank her and say that it has given me a different perspective. That you, mom2ck. And it very nice of you to be willing to spend the time to share. Happy Thanksgiving to you, and to everyone who is helpful and kind on CC!</p>
<p>:)>- </p>
<p>@hayden </p>
<p>Happy to help! </p>
<p>Happy Thanksgiving to you and all!</p>
<p>:)</p>