An older woman rang the doorbell and said she was looking for my FIL (who has dementia and lives in a nursing home). She did not provide information about how she knew him or why she wanted to see him, and having never heard her name mentioned in the 35 years I’ve been part of the family, I told her I was sorry but couldn’t help her.
She has since called repeatedly and left messages and written a letter alluding to having hurt him when she was 18. I initially was concerned about a scam but think it likely she is a lonely widow reflecting back on her youth. FIL is not able to say much beyond a kind of “word salad” that is pretty much incomprehensible; I don’t think it would upset him to see someone from his past (if he even remembered her), but I do think it would upset MIL (who also has dementia - but less progressed - and lives in the same community).
What would you do? Want to be compassionate yet protect the well-being of MIL & FIL.
I would invite her in for a conversation or maybe sit outside and talk. Maybe she will tell you her story and you can explain about the dementia. In my family, a few of my relatives were visited by a father and husband who had run off and left them 50 years earlier. It was more important to the guy who ran off to try to make amends than it was to my relatives to hear his story. But they did have a conversation before the man died.
I’m skeptical by nature so I’d have a lot of questions. Is it logical that this woman would find you if she were looking for FIL? What does DH think?
I’m trying hard to see the upside of letting her into your lives. If I were your MIL I would be puzzled at a new woman I didn’t know coming to see my husband. And if FIL is not in a position to communicate, well, like I said I’m finding it hard to justify a potential awkward or worse situation.
I’d be skeptical as well. Perhaps tell her that if she wants to write down her story you will see that he gets it but you are not free to give out his contact information. Let her know that if that option doesn’t work for you that you would like her to stop communicating with you.
Agree you don’t have enough info to make a decision. Someone from DH’s past recontacted him saying she had to “make amends” (or something like that) and it was for something related to an upcoming marriage in a particular religion.
I think the adult child’s duty is to protect the parent who can no longer make decisions for himself or herself. There is no duty to the person who came to the door.
I’m voting with @happy1 – arms length but willing to listen. Not willing to provide any contact information and not willing to listen without more information.
@roethlisburger I would not mention the dementia in case the woman is looking to scam him. Admittedly it is sad that I think people have to be so suspicious.
I fall in the “do what’s kind for everyone” category. You have no idea what she would say face-to-face and it would be inappropriate to allow her to see him now. So I agree, listening to her story would be reasonable and if she wants to write a letter to him you can offer to take it and possibly read it to him with the understanding that he will not comprehend it. And then let her politely know that this is closure on
the issue.
Admittedly I’m trying to read between the lines. If the FIL is as far gone as I think, I would hope someone else has already assumed control of his financial assets. It’s difficult to scam someone who doesn’t have access to money.
I don’t think you need to sacrifice your MIL’s well-being to assuage the conscience of a stranger who turned up on your doorstep. If you want to hear her out, fine, but I would not give out their contact information or tell either your MIL or your FIL about this woman’s visit.
Unless your in-laws are unusually wealthy, I think she sounds too persistent to be a scammer. If I were a scammer, I would start cold calling people over 90. If I ran into roadblocks, I would move on to the next person. People think contact info is more private than it is. Sites like spokeo can provide addresses, dates of birth, cell and landline numbers, and even social media accounts. If she can’t find out how to contact him without you, she’s likely not very tech savvy.
How old is she? If she’s his age and a friend from his youth, I’d sit and chat with her for a few minutes and explain that he’s no longer aware enough to meet with her. The fact that she’s so persistent makes me think that she may have some early stage dementia as well – unlikely looking to take advantage.
My FIL (mid 80s with advanced Alzheimer’s) a few years ago had a newfound interest in HS classmates and people from his past whom he hadn’t seen in 60+ years. His children humored him and actually found a few folks who were still around and in reasonably good shape – there were a few lunches and it was very nice for to reconnect, but that was the end of it. At this stage in life, meaningful relationships cannot usually not be reestablished, but perhaps there can be some closure.
I’d explain that Dad is “unavailable” and a brief explanation of why.
I would not arrange a meeting. Your FIL is in no position to consent. Perhaps she’d be against meeting with her if of sound mind. It’s a moot point anyway given his condition because it wouldn’t be a constructive two way conversation. Your responsibility is to your in laws not some stranger showing up at your door and why risk upsetting MIL?
If this woman wants to unload her remorse to your open ear, provide it. Do you think you are somewhat motivated by your own curiosity anyway?