I would listen to her story and then decide how to go forward. Sounds like your FIL wouldn’t remember.
If MIL lives in the same community as FIL and FIL is visited by this woman, someone will mention the visit and MIL will find out. I agree that this needs to go through you or your H first.
@Gourmetmom’s comment got me thinking. If she is actually someone from his past AND that past was positive, he might remember her. People with Alzheimer’s often have very little short term present memory but can remember the past very well. However, I can’t say that I think she should be allowed to see FIL, especially if it would upset MIL.
I would listen to the story, if she cared to share it, or have your husband do so. Obviously she should not speak directly to him in his current condition. In the last couple years, I’ve had three different people contact me in the course of looking for their birthparents, who were my relatives. Maybe she placed his child for adoption without his knowledge, and that child is now looking for info on the birthfamily.
Apologies should be to benefit the victim, not to assuage the conscience of the wrongdoer. I don’t see how this can be at all helpful to a person with dementia.
To be kind, I might listen to the woman’s confession, but would not arrange a meeting with the person she hurt. I would also encourage her to speak to a clergyperson if she requires absolution.
While I can’t think of something she would do with the information, it would make me very uncomfortable to give a complete stranger medical info about my father (or any member of my family) i.e. telling her he has dementia. So me it just seems like a bit of a violation of his privacy or something. If indeed she is looking for absolution, you or your father can’t provide that, nor can either of you verify her story. In as kind a way as possible I’d let her know that you are unwilling to provide his contact info and wish her well in her future. Less info is better than more imho
ETA do you know how she got your address as a point of contact for your father? Is it plausible she would be able to track him to you - like you still live in the area you grew up, small town where everyone knows everybody, etc.?
There are a number of websites that one can use to find people, especially if one has the person’s exact name and age and the state or city where he/she lives. Also, once you find the information on an individual, some of the sites will also list people who might be related and a list of all the addresses where the person for whom one is searching might have lived before.
I am by nature skeptical especially as this person seems to have hunted you down as way to speak with/see FIL. I would venture zero information about myself, FIL and MIL. I might meet in a public place and listen to their story that they are willing to share and perhaps try to research myself depending on what the story might be. You never know. There was just a piece on network news this week about a woman who had been abandoned in a box by her birth mother and left at the side of the road and how she was able to meet the good samaritan who had found the box and called authorities, saving her life. The birth mother remains unknown.
I am someone with a father in the same condition and a mother with less advanced Alzheimers who live in the same community, and I would let her know that my father is unavailable due to poor health, but if she would like to let you know the story or write a letter, I would make sure he gets it. I would not risk exposing her to either my father or mother. It may be a positive visit, but no telling. If someone came to my dad with a bunch of apologies, he and my mom would be so confused and may (as they are wont to do) develop some sort of delusion around the story.
I now have thought about this…and I grew with @GTalum
I would be intensely curious and would want to know what was what, but it goes through me – which I think is what @GTalum was saying.
I would treat this stranger much the same as I treat unsolicited phone calls. I probably wouldn’t be as rude to someone at my door, but I would say I’m sorry but I’m I cannot help you, have a nice day. I would not encourage them by taking any info, or offer to pass along any message. Maybe my paranoia is showing but I would not agree to meet them especially if I was typically home alone during the day as the stranger would know the home is unoccupied while I waiting at the meeting site for the stranger. If they persisted in coming around I would call the police.
The more I think about this, the more I think you should stop taking her calls. There is nothing of benefit to you or your parents in this situation, and who knows- maybe she thinks he owes her money or is the father of an out of wedlock child many years ago or something and wants to get his DNA from a hairbrush. Sounds like a great tv plot.
My H and I would meet with her immediately. We would ask and, hopefully, figure out what her intentions are and how to proceed.
I next would no doubt hire a private investigator for a bit more information if things seemed odd.
What I would not do is just cut her off.
It will not be that difficult for her to find your inlaws in the future.
You could find out that they had a visitor one day.
Right now the reigns are in your hands and, hopefully, you can make the decisions.
Even if the woman could find the in laws, it would be easy to notify the facility that this person is not permitted to visit. I agree that if she needs to make amends, she can seek out a clergy.
I’m with @jym626 here…
I’m for reporting this situation to the local police. They might not take you seriously, but there might be information about her, and you’d have this on record if she continues to harrass you. I’d be dying to know why this woman wants to apologize, but I wouldn’t let her visit FIL.
So, @yauponredux, what did you decide to do?
H & I have decided to send a firm but kind letter to the woman (that’s my writing challenge for today) telling her that the family does not think a visit is in the best interests of FIL and his wife and requesting no further contact. Will send it certified with proof of delivery so if she doesn’t stop trying to contact us we have gone on record. I will explain that FIL would not be able to respond to her, suggest that it is best for her to remember him as a young man, and tell her that he has had a good life - if she is on the level about having cared for him, she hopefully will accept that. If she continues to pursue this, we’ll look at the path of hiring a PI, notifying law enforcement, and filing harassment charges.
H controls what’s left of his parents’ funds, which are rapidly being depleted by the cost of their care, so even if she had nefarious intentions, she wouldn’t get anywhere. We have a care planning meeting with the nursing home staff coming up this week and will fill them in on the situation.
This has been such a weird, out-of-the-ordinary situation. Your thoughtful posts have brought to light various approaches and factors we had not considered, and as always, I appreciate the wisdom of the CC community.
Good luck. Remember, less is more.