Your initial instinct - from reading your first post - was that she is a lonely woman looking for some sort of closure. Odd that you got to possibly hiring a PI and filing charges so quickly. Does she seem like a legitimate threat?
FWIW, I would listen to her story and say some words to comfort her or just send her on her way if you cannot help. We field constant questions about my FIL and MIL - both had lots of friends and distant relatives who loved them. We hear from some who we don’t know, but it’s obvious that they had some contact over the years - after talking, all understand the situation and don’t press to meet them.
I’m with Gourmetmom. I’d listen to her story and say some kind words. That’s not much of a commitment, and if she is a lonely woman looking for closure what’s the harm in giving it to her? And if there is a situation about an unknown relative she placed for adoption, well, that would be interesting.
Time enough to go for law enforcement later, if she doesn’t stop pursuing the situation after you hear her out.
I also had responded above about listening to what the woman has to say. She may have had a close friendship with the man. I hope if I have something to say in my elderly years before I die I am not turned away and threatened with harrassment charges.
If this woman and your FIL cared about each other when they were high schoolers and you think she’s a lonely old woman trying to make amends, why would you threaten her? A certified letter at this point seems a little extreme. You heard her out enough to know some of what she wants, so it seems to me that the next logical response is simply a polite yes or no.
I think I’d hear her out. It doesn’t cost you anything but time to show a little compassion to this woman. Maybe just having the opportunity to share her story will be enough. You don’t have to offer any info. about your FIL (other than to say he’s “not well” if it seems appropriate), and you don’t have to involve your MIL at all. If I were your husband, I’d want to know what she has to say.
Jeesh. When my mother-in-law’s dementia deepened to the point where she could not live her own life, it fell to my wife and me to be the gatekeepers. And since my wife was absent for much of that time, I was generally the one at the gate. I will admit that no mysterious strangers showed up to make amends with her, but we learned that she had maintained relationships with the ex-spouses of two of her daughters for decades, without ever saying a word to any of her daughters about it. I wound up having some long conversations with them, and with some others of her old friends.
It didn’t cost me anything but a few hours of time. I learned a great deal I hadn’t known about what kind of person she was. (Well, actually, I had known most of it in theory, but the examples were new.) I also got to put some human flesh on people I had only heard about as characters in my wife’s family stories. They got some closure on what had been an important relationship for them, and acknowledgement that they had been part of her life. It wouldn’t have occurred to me to treat them badly. I didn’t offer to give them access to my mother-in-law, however.
When FIL moved out of his home of 50 years, I forwarded his phone to mine and sent a blanket email to everyone in his contacts (he would no longer have email.) I heard from people for over two years, just an odd person now & again wanting closure after the initial flurry.
I think we would have responded differently had she not shown up on our doorstep. DH & I live 200 miles from where his parents lived, so we felt a little creeped out; had she first sent a letter or called and given us some context, we probably would have been more open to talking with her. We didn’t need to know the details of why she felt she hurt FIL, but something along the lines of “we met in HS, I grew up on a neighboring farm” etc. She’s given us no info.
I have to wonder if the woman is ill herself. Maybe cancer or something that has her trying to make amends before she dies. Since you know her name and address you could easily figure out whether she grew up , lived near him or worked with him in the past. Although if it was after FIL & MIL got married then probably best not to know…
