<p>My D has become friends with someone at school. Wonderful kid, she reads a huge amount, great school performance, is interesting and sweet, and just an all around kid you’d be proud of (my D has a great circle of friends like this). </p>
<p>Here is the hitch. My D asked her about the upcoming dance and learns she can’t go, can’t EVER go. Then we learn she is not even, ever, allowed to go anywhere with a friend anywhere. Nor even visit anyone’s house, even if the parents have met! She’s 14 years old! How the girl describes it is “they trust me, just not anybody else.” </p>
<p>What’s more complicated is she HAS come over, and I just assumed it was a non-issue as it is for these girls at this age (we live very close to the school). The group of girls have also gone into town often with friends to eat/shop after school. All this time she has been lying to her parents and hiding her activities from them. </p>
<p>Have you ever heard of such a thing? I think it’s sad because the parents have created a scenario where her child is repeatedly hiding things from them (or missing out on an important part of being a kid). I also find it a bit awkward now having this knowledge and not sharing it with the parent. </p>
<p>As background I do not really know the parents. In normal circumstances I’d try to get to know them so they can see her D would be safe at our home. But they live an hour away (this kid commutes to school with her parents driving). And on the one meeting with the mother, it was strained. (some might recall my thread about the awkward introduction I had with a mom who referred to herself as “Dr. X” which was quite odd where we live).</p>
<p>If I remember right, the other parent is Indian? I find that this is if not common, then not unexpected in the Indians that I have known. They are very strict and the girls are very sheltered. My D had a friend and her parents were very strict. The girl’s parents were concerned about her grades and she did not have a social life.</p>
<p>Where do the parent’s think she is when she is out with the other kids? If they live far away and drive her to and from school, they must think she is somewhere.</p>
<p>Is this girl allowed to have any of the other girls over? Maybe if the parents got to know some of their daughter’s friends, over time they will loosen the apron strings. If it is a cultural thing, I am unfamiliar with the strickness.</p>
<p>My daughter attended high school with many Indian students, and their parents were extremely strict. One boy she was friendly with was not allowed to ask out a girl. One of the girls was not permitted to have a cell phone because her father thought she would use it to talk to boys all the time–and this was a top student.</p>
<p>IMO you should not call the mother and invite her daughter over–because when the mother says no, then you really will be an accessory to her daughter’s sneaking around.</p>
<p>We have friends who are similar. They are not Indian. In addition to not allowing dating till at least 16 they do not allow the kids to go to movies, dances or to just hang out with other kids. They also only allow their kids to be driven by a few people other then themselves. They have allowed their kids to come to my house but that is after knowing them for years. They do allow the kids to have friends come to their house. The family I know is also very strict about grades, what the kids eat etc. They have quite a few kids close in age so the kids do not lack playmates. They also all participate in sports. The parents also take them to the beach almost daily where they can interact with friends.
I don’t always agree with them but their kids are great kids who have avoided lots of the minefields of high school. They have allowed them to all get drivers licenses and go off to college. Though at college they are also supposed to still follow their parents rules. For example child 1 goes to an urban school in a high crime area. She is not allowed to leave campus.
Our friends have lightened up over the last few years.
I know the kids do things they are not supposed to do when they are not around their parents. I think their parents know it too.</p>
<p>Thanks for your thoughts. Yes, they are of Indian descent (my D is too partially, so you’d think we’d know this but our extended family is generally different). </p>
<p>The friend is defnitely allowed to have kids over to their house (and they have, but its rare given the long commute). </p>
<p>When D goes out and about, the mother thinks the D is still at school, working in the library or doing homework.</p>
<p>I am a Southeast Asian. Amongst Indian immigrants as in any religion, you get all types of families; those who adhere very strictly to religious Hindu teachings/values, those who are much more liberal and progressive, and those who try to be in the middle. Unfortunately, amongst my Indian friends, I have found that level of education has little or nothing to do with the stringent upbringing within these families. On the other hand, I have liberal friends whose children have married Protestant, Catholic, or Jewish counterparts. It really depends on what each family really values and tries to inculcate in the next generation. It’s not that different from looking at Jewish families. You can find both right wing and liberals in Jewish families too.</p>
<p>I have always believed that raising kids with staunch and rigid practices of any religion can have negative effects on our kids. But parents can’t do this forever, anyway. Once kids grow up, they will do their own thing. I grew up in an incredibly staunch Hindu family years ago. Once I left India, I have never once been to a Hindu temple nor have I practiced any rituals that I was forced to practice back in my childhood. I remain spiritual though. </p>
<p>A lot of these behaviors are rooted in the belief system that some immigrant families are unwilling to let go.</p>
<p>Oh! By the way, the reason she introduced herself as a Dr So and So, is partly because doctors get so used to introducing themselves to all patients/other doctors/people at work as Dr such-and-such… this becomes habitual. Since they spend incredibly long hours at work, this habit gets deeply rooted.</p>
<p>I suspect the lady didn’t even realize that you might be offended by her introduction. I would give her another chance. Call her by her first name next time you meet. She will naturally accept it.</p>
<p>Thanks Pharmgal. Good to always be reminded few of us fit neatly into boxes.</p>
<p>Interestingly, I actually know they are moderate-liberals (by Canadian standards), and atheists (something this friend and my D have in common in terms of the kinds of things like to talk about…world politics, the most recent Canadian and US election, books, religion). So its perhaps cultural, but not religious per se. </p>
<p>I thought that too about the introduction, that it came out of habit professional. Except probably half the people I know are doctors, the vast majority of parents, and I’ve not seen that happen before. But it oculd be she is socially awkward/got flustered (she did seem so), and that is what automatically emerged as a result.</p>
<p>Having grown up in this culture relatively recently, I would say that their strictness is actually not that uncommon and it is not necessarily religious or cultural. While there are lots of religious people opposed to teens dating or even hanging out with the opposite sex, most are ok with girls hanging out with other girls, esp. inside the home. I think a lot of this strictness has to do with trust. No matter how trustworthy anyone seems, such parents believe that if their kid hangs out in other home - esp where people are a different race – they’ll be up to “bad” things, due to improper supervision, the other parents condoning, different values etc. They irrationally refuse to believe that if a few girls want to get together to watch a movie, they’ll likely just watch the movie and the only negative activity may be a little high school gossip!</p>
<p>In terms of what this girl is telling her parents, you’d be shocked at the lies that some of the strict indian-am. parents are willing to believe! It’s almost always about studying – staying after school for projects, to use the science labs, going to the library etc. Most parents would assume that something was up if their teen wanted to go to the library every weekend night, but such parents don’t – or they don’t want to. I was in my hometown library a few yrs ago, and there’s practically a self-contained social and dating scene happening because it’s the one place that even the strictest parents will allow their kids to go unsupervised.</p>
<p>I would not try to get involved in the situation by calling the parents or anything. As nice as they may be to you, they won’t change their minds and it might get their D in some hot water at home, as they’ll probably scrutinize her whereabouts even more or lecture her about telling her friends everything. If your D and this girl want to socialize, you should welcome it without asking too many questions about whether this girl has permission etc – just trust that she’ll handle her parents. However, I wouldn’t lie for her or do anything that you know would be against her parents’ wishes. When I was in HS, there were a few indian-am girls wanting to attend prom and their parents refused, even to them going w/o dates. A few of them decided to go anyway and enlisted their friends’ help, which was normal. However, a few of the friends’ moms got too involved and were taking them prom dress shopping, having the alterations done, hiding the dresses at their houses etc. Obviously the intent was to help, but even as a high schooler, I thought it was in bad taste to go around someone else’s parents so blatently.</p>
<p>As someone who was raised by parents like this (although not Indian) and knows parents who are still like this, I don’t think talking to the parents will help. The reason they are so strict is because they don’t know how to handle it. They don’t want to face their kids dating, or drinking or any number of other things so they pretend it’s not happening. It’s so easy to lie to these parents because they really don’t want to know.</p>
<p>When I was 23 and dating my present husband, I would tell my mother I was visiting one of my sisters for the weekend. Or I would tell her I went shopping, or studying or anything else she found acceptable. It was easier to her than having her face talking to me about it. It was sad because I would have loved to be able to be honest with her.</p>
<p>As far as the girl’s parents are concerned you are a nice Canadian lady with different morals and values. Even if your morals and values were identical to theirs, they would not believe it and it would take many more years and interaction before they might even think it’s possible.</p>
<p>The irony is that the girl says her parents trust her, and yet she is consistently lying to them. So that is where this whole worry has gotten them!</p>
<p>As I read your post, I immediately thought of a friend of my daughter’s…then I read on…yes, my daughter’s friend is Indian! I don’t think she hides things from her mom, but what has me concerned about her is that she has zero ECs and will probably never have any ECs. She’s near the top of the class. (Daughter says because all she is *allowed *to do is study.) But I worry about her chances at a top school because she’s not allowed out of the house to do anything outside of school hours.</p>